15. Hope

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I couldn't bear to let go of Bella's hand. I clung to it even when I heard her father coming. By the time he poked his head around the door I had flipped the bedclothes over our clasped hands and ducked down on the far side of the bed. He left for work completely unaware of the dangerous predator clutching his daughter's hand like a lifeline.

Bella began to stir an hour later, her eyes opening when our joined hands prevented her from rolling over. "Edward," she murmured faintly, a slight smile on her face. Her eyes drifted closed as I pressed a kiss to her wrist, and for a moment I thought she would go back to sleep. Then her eyes shot open. "Edward!" she cried, and flung herself at me, her forehead hitting mine with an audible crack.

"Are you all right?" I exclaimed. "Let me see your head."

She batted my hands away, wrapping her arms around my neck. "I don't care about my head! Where have you been?" She pulled back enough to smack my shoulder then resumed her stranglehold. It was a good thing I didn't need to breathe. "I've been so worried about you; I didn't know if you would… would… Don't you ever leave me again!"

Her breath was coming now in huge gulping gasps, and I could smell that she was crying. I stroked her hair and rocked her until her sobs eased into shuddering breaths. "Are you all right?" I repeated.

"I should be so angry at you," she hissed. Her hands fisted in my shirt, trying to pull herself closer, even though she was already pressed against me.

"You should be," I agreed, my lips against her neck, her scent and her pulse a welcome fire. She shivered. "Uh, does that mean you aren't?"

"I should be."

She still sounded furious, but I decided I would take that as a no. "I'm very sorry for upsetting you."

"I was so scared," she whispered. "Why did you run off like that? Alice said that Carlisle didn't do anything bad, but she wouldn't tell me what happened. She said that you would, if you wanted to."

"Carlisle… I told him everything, Bella. Everything. More than I told you. The longer I talked the sicker he looked, like every word out of my mouth was physically hurting him. I couldn't bear to look at him after a while. I kept talking because I couldn't join their family without telling him everything, yet I had this growing conviction that it was impossible that he would allow me to stay. I wanted to stay, so much, but what decent man would want me anywhere near him? I'm despicable."

"You were despicable," Bella interjected softly. "You aren't anymore."

"I don't think it's that easy, Bella."

"Of course it is. You haven't personally injured any of us. All we want to know is that you're sorry for what you've done and you want to be different going forward, and you've made that perfectly plain. That's what's important."

"I personally injured you."

"Nearly."

I moved her so I could look in her eyes. "I may not have physically injured you, but I still hurt you."

For some incomprehensible reason that made her lips tilt in a small smile. She touched my face, her warm fingertips smoothing away the crease between my brows. "You did. But I've forgiven you, remember?"

"I don't deserve you."

She shrugged and asked philosophically, "Does anyone really deserve the other person in their relationship? None of us are perfect."

I scoffed. "You deserve more than me, not less."

"We could argue this all day. Stop being mean to yourself and tell me what happened next." She put her head back down on my shoulder, her fingers drawing heated patterns on my back.

"After I told him everything, he was quiet. Verbally, I mean. His mind was in turmoil. He was horrified. I tried not to hear what he was thinking. I didn't want to know. I just stared at my hands and waited for him to tell me to leave. And then he… he apologized to me for leaving Chicago." I shook my head, still baffled by his reaction.

"Because you and Tredan had stayed and he thought if he hadn't left he would have found you." It wasn't a question; she said it as though it made perfect sense. "The day we met him and he was telling us his story, I thought the same thing."

I hadn't thought about it at all. "But what I did, it's not his fault."

"No, of course not, but I can understand why he would feel that way when he first heard your story. I mean, if he had found you before you left Chicago do you think you would have led the same life?"

"Well, no, but it was my decision to do the things I did."

"It was. But Carlisle probably thinks if he had stayed you never would have been in a position to make those decisions. It seems pretty normal for him to think, 'If only I'd stayed in Chicago, if only I'd found him, none of this would have ever happened.' It's how I would feel. Wouldn't you feel that way, if the situation were reversed?"

"I... yes," I realized. I would feel horribly guilty.

"See?" She kissed the spot where my jaw met my ear. "So what happened then? He apologized and you got mad? Because I heard you yelling."

I took a deep breath of her scent, steadying myself. "I was furious that he thought he should bear any of the blame. I was so enraged that I don't even remember what I said, but then he tried to touch me. Just to put his hand on my shoulder, but I realized his intention too late and flinched away from him. It hurt him. I couldn't… I just, I hated myself so much. I had to get away, from everything. From everyone."

"Even me." She sounded sad.

"Especially you." She tensed and I held her closer. "Bella, you're so precious to me. There is nothing in this world that is more important than you. I want so much more for you than what I can give, and right then… I felt so filthy. I wanted to run to you. The entire time I was gone I longed for you, but I want to do what's best for you. And it's hard for me to believe that I am the best thing."

"You are," she insisted fiercely.

"I don't see how that's possible. I would like to believe it is, that I can be what you need, but I don't think it's true." I decided I should tell her the full truth. "I wasn't going to come back to you. I planned to let you live your life free from interference, to just watch over you from a distance and keep you safe. But I'm too weak to stay away."

"So, even though you needed me you were going to stay away— you did stay away, for weeks! Why can't you see that you're good? That desire to protect me is good, right? And the desire for me to have what's best."

I thought about that, then asked fearfully, "But what if it's the only goodness I have? It would be better to stay away from you and keep you safe. Not… pollute you."

"There is much more goodness in you than that. I'm not trying to minimize what you've done. You've done some horrible things and I don't understand why you made some of the choices that you did. But you're sorry for it, Edward. If you weren't remorseful I could agree that you're evil. Then again, if you weren't remorseful we wouldn't be having this conversation, because you wouldn't care what the answer was. The fact that you care about whether you're good or evil proves that you're good."

I frowned at her logic. "That seems a little too simplistic. No offense."

"Sometimes the simplest answer is the truth. Occam's razor," she proclaimed triumphantly.

"Oh, well, if you're going to start throwing medieval philosophers at me I shall have to admit defeat."

Her giggle warmed me. "I don't think you've really given up. Do you promise to think about it?"

I kissed her head. "I promise to think about it," I replied dutifully. I would, I just didn't think it would make any difference. "I am sorry I abandoned you the way I did. What happened after I left?"

"I heard you shouting at Carlisle, like I said, and he cried out your name and his voice was so… so tormented. Then everything was completely silent. I didn't know what was happening— I didn't even know you were gone until Alice told me. She and Esme came home a few minutes after you yelled. Esme went in to talk to Carlisle and it sounded like they were crying and I was so afraid you were never going to come back." She shuddered and burrowed impossibly closer. "Every day that went by, I was more sure of it. Alice kept telling me that you would, and that you were safe, but… I was so afraid."

"You were worried I wasn't safe?" I asked incredulously. "What did you think would harm me?"

"I thought you would," she said flatly. "If a nomad passed by, I thought you might do something to get them to kill you."

It was astonishing how well she knew me. "I wanted to, the first couple of days." She stiffened and I tried to inject a little levity. "It was a good thing no other vampires came along to help me, huh?"

"It's not funny, Edward!" She smacked my arm again, then shook the sting out of her hand. "How can you even joke about that?"

I really wished she would stop swatting at me—she was going to get hurt. "Would you please stop trying to injure yourself on my person? Speaking of which, can I check your head now?" I moved her hair so I could get a good look at it and winced at the small blue and purple lump on the edge of her forehead. "You should put ice on that."

She silently took my hand and placed it over the knot and I shook my head, amused despite myself. "I'm not quite as cold as ice, love."

"Shut up and hold me, Edward," she murmured crossly.

"Very well, you tiny despot." I nestled her against me, taking care to keep my hand on her forehead since it was better than nothing. With my other hand I traced words on her back. I love you. I'm so sorry. Please don't ever leave me.

She jerked when my finger drifted over her side. "Ticklish?" I asked, a smile in my voice.

"Don't you dare."

"Don't I dare what?" My other fingers joined in the drifting. "All I asked was if you were ticklish. If you don't tell me, I'll have to find out for myself."

"Don't you dare tickle me, Edward Masen, that's what."

"Or what? Because it's really not wise to challenge a vampire, silly Bella."

"Or I will sit far away from you where you can't touch me."

My fingers were poised to tickle her, and judging by her tension she knew it. "I could make you stay right here."

"But you won't," she stated confidently.

"Why won't I?"

"Because you want me to be happy. And tickling makes me very unhappy. Besides, I would probably pee on you."

"Well, in that case…" My hand resumed tracing words on her back. My Bella. I love you. Don't pee on me.

She still wasn't completely relaxed. "Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"I'm going to ask something of you, and I want you to think about it. Don't promise me unless you really mean it, okay?

"Okay," I agreed hesitantly.

"I understand that you don't like yourself very much. And know you think I deserve better than you. I don't agree, but I know that's how you feel. So I understand why you felt like you had to run away. And if you need time away, that's fine. But… please talk to me first? Or someone? So that I know you're coming back and that you're safe? The past few weeks have been awful, and I was so scared, and—"

"I promise," I interrupted. "I won't run off like that again. However, even if I did, you can always be confident that I'll come back to you. I need you far too much to stay away."

She bristled, probably at the thread of regret in my voice. "You know, instead of wishing you didn't need me you should be glad you have me."

"I am glad," I exclaimed. "Truly, I'm so very grateful for you."

"There's nothing wrong with needing me. I need you, too, you know."

I kissed her head and didn't comment. It wasn't that I thought she was lying, but I didn't see what there was about me that she could possibly find necessary.

After a while she broke the silence. "So, while you were gone I asked Alice to help me with something. Well, it really was Jasper who helped the most since he's really good with computers, and the Cullens have all kinds of search applications I don't have access to. I hope you don't mind that I asked them, but I wasn't able to find too much out on my own and I was going crazy with you gone and I wanted to find her for you."

I pulled back so I could see her face. She was biting her lip. Was she anxious? "You found Emilie?" I asked slowly.

"We found Emilie."

A/N: Sorry for how long this took. RL is nuts. E & B got wordier than I anticipated. But you don't mind, right? ;) Thanks so much for the reviews- I love hearing what you think!