**So…this story still exists. For real though, I have not once forgotten about this tale. University has been kicking my ass. What else can I say? But, I'm finally done. At least for the summer. So hopefully, I can conclude this tale. I may start breaking down my chapters a bit more, so I can post more often.
Anyways, for those of you still reading this story, I thank you. It's nice knowing people appreciate my sense of humor.
Oh, and I thought I would quickly sum up what has happened thus far:
Hidan is in hiding after possibly killing some hotel servers. Naruto went berserk after finding out Ichiraku was destroyed. Shikamaru, Hanabi and Konohamaru went to investigate a cave, where Shikamaru got a distressed phone call from Sakura about zombie patients
Naruto slowly opened his eyes. His head was throbbing but other than that he felt well rested. He looked around the room.
"Where the hell am I?"
The walls and floors appeared to be made from sand. There was a small night stand with what appeared to be painkillers and water. Near the window stood a bookshelf, filled with sacred texts like The 10 Shinobi Commandments and The Forgotten Art of Eating Ass.
He slowly sat up and took the painkillers, then rubbed his bandaged forehead. He couldn't recall what happened, but he guessed he must have been knocked out by Sakura after he got drunk and tried to sign documents on her chest again. It's not my fault. It was the flattest surface I could find. But he's never seen a room like this in Konoha. He was also clothed in a white robe, and his usual yellow jumpsuit was nowhere to be seen.
The door opened before he could think further and in came a face he hadn't seen in some time.
"Gaara! What are you doing here? Actually, just where is here?"
Gaara smiled. "It's been too long, hasn't it Naruto. You are in one of my guest rooms. Tell me, do you know what happened a couple hours ago?"
"Hmmm not really. I figured I did something stupid and got knocked out by Sakura."
"Well, you definitely did something stupid. But it was not Sakura who knocked you out."
"She wasn't? Wait, did you say I'm in one of your guest rooms? But…how the hell did I get to the Sand Village? I wasn't sleepwalking again was I?"
"You sleepwalk?"
"Only when Shikamaru and I go out for ramen after work. I usually get 4 bowls."
Gaara stared at his friend. "I think you may have a problem."
"I'd hardly call Shikamaru a problem. An annoyance sure, but not really a problem. Anyways, how'd I get here?"
"You were moving at quite the speed. I happened to be gazing out at the world, wondering how things were at your village. I planned on visiting soon to congratulate you on your pregnancy."
"Umm … I'm not the one who– "
"I know you are not the one who is pregnant, Naruto. Anyways, that is when I saw a yellow light from the trees come speeding towards my village. My men are still in shock, especially Kankuro. His new suit is stained with blood."
"I crashed into your brother? Shit! I am so sorry."
"What? No, his suit got bloody from carrying you to the hospital. You collided into the city wall. Though I would have preferred if you collided with my brother. At least the city wall actually does its job."
"Oh. Okay then. That's a relief." He took a breath and tried to think about what happened, but he only drew a blank. "I really can't recall. Have you tried contacting my village?"
"I called your office and your home but could not get an answer. I will try again soon. Anyways, feel free to rest some more." He motioned towards the nightstand. "Take more edibles if you need."
"Cool. Sorry for all this trouble." He took some more water and nearly choked when Gaara's words registered. "Edibles?! Please tell me I heard wrong."
Gaara was confused. "What do you mean?"
"Why the hell are you feeding me edibles? Whatever happened to Advil?"
"My friend, these are nature's painkillers. You think the Sage of the Six Paths used Advil? Now, I must get back to my duties. I will check in on you later."
-Meanwhile-
Shikamaru stood calmly, not showing any hint of fear. Hanabi was nervous but battle ready. Konohamaru was really hoping that was sweat between his ass-cheeks.
The two shinobi facing them had kunai in hand. Neither the kunoichi nor the two shinobi in the back seemed to notice them.
"So what do we owe this pleasure to?" Asked the taller of the two. "The right hand of the Hokage coming down all the way to our little shack? You didn't send us a heads up, or we would have cooked something nice."
"That's okay," responded Shikamaru. "My wife prefers I don't eat food cooked by assholes."
The shorter of the two men started laughing. "Assholes huh? Well, when we're done with you, you'll wish you still had an asshole."
His partner stared dumbfounded at his short comrade. "What the hell kind of insult is that? You have some kind of technique that glues assholes shut? Who even taught – " he was interrupted with a kunai right to his chest.
"Perfect shot Hanabi!" Shikamaru applauded. "Didn't even need my signal." He then used his shadow technique to grab hold of the other man. "He's all yours Konohamaru."
Konohamaru felt a lot more confident and even managed a sinister laugh. He then ran straight at the shinobi and kicked him flat in the face. This was perhaps a bad idea, as the man flew back into the water.
"You idiot!" Shikamaru shouted. "Who the hell told you to kick him? Did you see Hanabi do some flashy Bruce Lee shit?"
It was too late. The kunoichi and the two shinobi in the back were alerted to their presence.
"I – I'm so sorry!" That was definitely not sweat between his ass-cheeks.
Shikamaru threw down a smoke bomb. "Alright children I think it's time we leave."
"What? Why? We can take them!" Hanabi yelled.
"Not with Mr. Eddy Gordo here. Now run!" Shikamaru lifted the frozen Konohamaru up on his right shoulder and bolted towards the cave entrance.
Hanabi felt angry the entire way there. She wasn't taught to be a coward. Konohamaru just stared at the ground in shame, feeling like he's let down his late grandfather and Naruto.
The cave entrance was in sight. It seemed like they were home free. Unfortunately, it's never that simple. The two shinobi who walked out of the cave earlier returned, blocking the entrance with kunais in hand.
Shikamaru dropped Konohamaru to the ground. "Shit! Should have brought someone to guard the entrance."
"I told you that on the way here!" Hanabi wailed. "Choji is wide enough to block the whole entrance!"
"Hanabi! Don't disrespect your elders!"
"I meant when he used his expansion technique, duh." She didn't entirely mean that.
The 3 shinobi from earlier caught up to our heroes, blocking them on all sides.
"Oh isn't this just fan-tucking-fastic!" as skilled as Shikamaru was, he wasn't confident he could take down all these shinobi while protecting his younger comrades. However, it was at this point something very unexpected happened.
Konohamaru stood up with eyes more focused than all the Sharingans on Danzo's arm.
"I am not going to be killed here of all places!"
Hanabi stared at his right hand. A sphere resonating blue aura was growing.
"Kono don't be dumb!" yelled Hanabi. "You won't reach them without getting killed too!"
Konohamaru looked at her and smiled. It was a smile that resonated confidence. It was a look she had never seen in Konohamaru.
All the sudden a shadow clone of Konohamaru appeared next to him, and in mere moments they had formed a far larger rasengan.
"Uhhh, shouldn't we be stopping this?" asked the kunoichi to her two comrades.
"Proper villain etiquette requires we wait for the hero to charge up their attack." responded her comrades.
All the sudden, the rasengan turned into a shape resembling a shuriken.
Shikamaru was in awe of what he was seeing. Damn Naruto. This kid may just be able to take your place one day. But he soon remembered something.
"Wait Kono! If you hit them with that they'll –"
Too late. The rasenshuriken had fired at the three enemy shinobi. But unbeknownst to them, they weren't his target. The rasenshuriken unexpectedly curved upwards and collided with the roof of the cave. The roof fell immediately, and their enemies were buried under a pile of rock.
Hanabi was unable to comprehend what just happened. It was almost as if Konohamaru was possessed by the ghost of a shinobi who wasn't completely incompetent.
Shikamaru stared for a bit too before turning his gaze back towards the two shinobi blocking the entrance. He gave them a smile. "Now, where were we."