17. Jack

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I stood on the far edge of the clearing behind the Cullens' house, trying to listen to the river instead of the murmured disagreement inside the house. I don't know why they bothered trying to be quiet—it wasn't as though I couldn't hear every word. I seriously considered calling out to tell them so and watched the results of that thought flash across Alice's mind.

We try to give at least the pretense of privacy, she explained.

Would her talent always surprise and discompose me? I suppose not. With a potentially limitless existence stretching before me I have time enough to become accustomed to anything.

The thought made me want to hit something, or to run. Not run away as I had before, just to run: run until my mind relaxed and all I knew were the smells and sounds and tastes of the forest.

Though pulverizing a boulder to microscopic particles of dust sounded pretty appealing at this moment, too.

Not that I could do either of those things with Bella watching me out the window and an argument raging over whether she should be allowed to come out to me.

"He won't hurt her, Jazz," Alice insisted, even as I watched myself pace, turn suddenly with a hand outstretched and accidentally deal Bella a glancing blow on her arm. A glancing blow which knocked her a good ten feet away from me. I shuddered, my hands clenching into fists. Just pay attention to what you're doing and everything will be fine, Edward.

"I'm not saying he'll hurt her on purpose, but I don't like his emotions. He's upset and she's too breakable." After meeting the Cullens I had quickly come to realize that Jasper was always pragmatic. I found it both commendable and irksome.

Esme wanted to support Bella, but she cared too much about each of us to want to take a chance on things ending badly. "Perhaps someone else should go out first and see how he is?" I'm sorry, Edward. It's not that I don't trust you. She's just so delicate. She thought of her perpetual caution around Bella—she was not so accustomed to touching humans as Carlisle was and found it a bit nerve-wracking.

Carlisle was torn. His inclination was to err on the side of caution, keep Bella inside, and come speak to me himself, but he was uncertain what I would prefer to have happen in this situation (he made a mental note to ask me when this was all over) and didn't want to alienate me by doing the wrong thing. And as Bella kept pointing out, with increasing exasperation, she is my mate. He wasn't sure if it was right to interfere, even to keep her safe, but he also knew me well enough to know that if I accidentally injured her I would never forgive myself.

Emmett thought that everyone was being ridiculous, and said so. "I think you're all being ridiculous. If she wants to go outside, let her." Then he thought about how much he liked her. I winced at his mental image of what he thought might happen if I lost my temper. "Or, look, I'll go talk to him first. Cheer him up a bit."

"No," Bella said flatly. "I appreciate your concern, but Edward is my mate and he's upset and I'm going to go talk to him."

"She's right." I watched through Rosalie's eyes as Bella looked at her with surprised gratitude, and the others simply with surprise. "She's human, not stupid. She can make her own decisions."

I didn't particularly like what was in her mind: jealousy of her husband's growing affection for Bella, exasperation with her family's fascination with the girl and with me, but there was something else… Don't you hurt her, Edward Masen! she thought fiercely, then backpedaled rapidly: You'll upset everybody if you do. Haven't you disrupted things enough already?

Yes, underlying it all was irritation at her own unwilling fondness for Bella.

I smirked, wanting in some way to let Rosalie know what I'd realized, but restrained myself. After all, like Alice said, I should attempt to give the pretense of privacy.

I knew I should be ashamed of my own sanctimony, but found myself too amused. And then I heard the door open and shut, and could smell Bella's scent wafting towards me on the breeze. I began to relax even before I felt her warmth touch me.

She stood silently next to me, the sleeve of her jacket barely brushing against my arm, and I reached for her hand, twining my fingers with hers. Her breath caught, and released on a shuddering sigh, and I realized she was crying.

"Bella?" Why was she upset? Had the disagreement inside the house bothered her that much?

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, surprising me. "I shouldn't have… we should have just looked for Emilie, just to see that she lived. That was all you asked me to do. But when I realized how much they could find out about people I was so excited." She swiped at her face with her free hand. "I thought you would be happy that we'd found out so much, but it was too much and we were too intrusive, and I'm really sorry."

"No, love," I exclaimed, dismayed. "It was too much to take in all at once, that's true, but I'm glad you discovered so much."

She asked timidly, "You are? You really don't think we were too nosy?"

"I really don't," I reassured her firmly. "I think it was very kind of you all to go to the trouble."

She sighed again and leaned her head against my shoulder. We stood silently for a time, just listening to the river and the birdsong in the distance. Eventually I felt calm enough to admit, "I feel guilty."

"You do?" she asked blankly. "Why?"

"He was my closest friend, and his wife… she died, Bella, and his babies, and I should… he must have… I know he had family, other friends. I know that. He wasn't alone. But I should have been there for him. I…" My voice shook as I thought about what I had been doing instead. "I should have been there. "

"You would have been there for him, if you could," she replied quietly.

I blurted out quickly, before I could stop myself, "The worst thing is, I can't remember him as well as I would like. I recall some things, bits and pieces, but I don't know if I'm even remembering his face correctly. He deserves better. You know more about him, about everyone who was important to me, than I do." I forced a smile and tried to joke, "I haven't yet read what you discovered about myself, but you probably know more than I do about me, too."

She wasn't amused, but then I didn't really find it humorous myself. Why had I tried so hard to forget my human past? I wished I could go back and change it.

"Maybe as you go through the papers and look at the pictures you'll be able to remember more?" she suggested hopefully.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closely against me, more thankful for her than I could express. "I hope so," I murmured, just as I heard a purposefully loud mental voice from the house.

Tell Bella to ask you, Edward. She's been wanting to ask you something for weeks, and I can see she isn't going to do it now.

"So, Bella…" She immediately took on an air of suspicion at the change in my tone. "Alice says you have something to ask me?"

She flashed a look of pure irritation back at the house. "I don't think I should ask you now. It was a stupid idea."

"I doubt that. Just ask me." When she remained silent I coaxed her. "Come on, ask me. The worst thing that could happen is that I'll say no."

She muttered, "The worst that could happen is you think I'm an insensitive idiot."

"Never," I vowed fiercely. "Look at me, Bella." She raised her eyes reluctantly to mine. Her lashes were wet and her nose was still a little pink from crying. She was so beautiful she made my chest hurt. Her lip was quivering so I kissed it into stillness. "I will never think that of you. Back when I was getting to know you, one of the first things I learned is how you take care of the people you love. I know whatever you've thought of, you did it with my best interest in mind. So. Ask me."

"Okay," she conceded reluctantly. "I don't know if you're going to even want to do this now—I know this is all overwhelming and if you don't want to go it's okay. But in a couple of weeks it's spring break at school and Alice and I were thinking that we could all, well not all of us since Emmett and Rosalie made plans long ago to go to Belgium for the week, but the rest of the Cullens and I, we were wondering if you wanted—the tenants in your house are going to be out of the country, and Esme already arranged to go check on things while they're gone, and—"

"Bella?" I interrupted, a smile curving up the side of my mouth. "What are you trying to ask me?"

She took a big breath and closed her eyes. "Do you want to go to Chicago and see your house? And maybe look in on Emilie? You don't have to!"

I ran my fingers down the curve of her cheek, then gently worked her lip out from between her teeth. "You are too good to me."

Her eyes flew open in surprise. "That… is not the reaction I was expecting you to have."

"I could tell," I teased her. "You were about to chew your lip off."

She huffed and wrinkled her nose at me. "Well?" she asked with some asperity.

I thought about it. If I was honest, the thought of going back made me a little anxious, especially after how overwhelming this afternoon had been. On the other hand, I had a couple of weeks to mentally gird myself… and I did like the idea of showing Bella where I came from…

"Yes," I decided. I ignored the squeal from the house and watched the smile spread across Bella's face.

"Yes?"

"I would love to see my house with you. Yes."

"And Emilie?"

I wasn't sure how that would work. I didn't know if she'd recognize me after all this time, but it didn't seem wise to take the chance. Perhaps the plan was for me to see her in the night while she was sleeping? I'd have to talk logistics with everyone before I decided. "We'll see."

"Okay," she agreed easily, her eyes glowing. "But we're really going to go? See your house and your old neighborhood? I know it'll be different, but I bet it helps you remember things."

I pulled her into a hug and rested my cheek against her head, thinking how fortuitous it was that I did indeed want to go, since I knew I wouldn't be able to refuse her anything that made her this happy. And to think that her happiness was for me, for the memories I might regain and the pleasure she hoped the trip would give me! I was completely bewildered by my good fortune. "Yes, love. We're really going to Chicago."

A/N: Yay! We're going to Chicago! Let me know how you think the trip will go, and if there's anything you'd especially like them to do there. :) I'll be posting more stuff on tumblr- Masen family pictures, Edward Sr and Elizabeth's wedding clothes, and hopefully Jack and Emilie's family tree. I'm whilewewereyetsinners there too- just search for the Love is Sweeter Than Betrayal tag. :)