Shikamaru finally made it to the edge of Konoha forest. About 5 miles ahead of him was the sand village. He figured that would be his best bet. Normally he would just call them, but his phone was dead. Sending nudes back and forth with Temari was not the best idea.
First however, he needed a smoke. "Wonder where all the damn camel went. Probably mating again in the forest."
His heart stopped when he couldn't feel his stash in his pocket. "No no no! Where is it? Fuck!" He frantically searched everywhere on his person but had no luck.
Suddenly, he heard some footsteps behind him. He turned around and was greeted by a camel with a small pouch in its mouth.
"Is that…oh shit! You little thief. Give that back!"
It was too late. The camel ate the entire stash. A whole weeks' worth of salary all gone.
Shikamaru was on the verge of tears when suddenly a whole pack of camels appeared out of the forest.
"You guys are too late. This selfish asshole took it all for himself." Shikamaru forced himself to refocus on the situation. He stared ahead at the sand village and pulled out some sunglasses from his pocket.
"Alright, which one of you deformed horses is gonna take –" he nearly fell backwards at the sight of the bright red eyes piercing him. All the camels looked as if they were possessed by the devil.
"Okay now calm down. That was a joke. Just because you have a face that only mother nature could love doesn't mean you aren't amazing creatures. You're beautiful. On the inside. And that's what matters."
It didn't help. They were still bloodthirsty. Shikamaru wondered why the hell he was trying to negotiate with camels.
That's when they charged straight at him, forcing him to run through the sand towards the sand village. He could easily just kill them but no doubt somebody would grill him about it. Shit, he didn't even know who they belonged to. It was probably the only thing Chiyo left in her will. A bunch of satanic camels. Seemed fitting for such a crazy woman.
It had been nearly 10 minutes. Somehow he had managed to outrun a bunch of animals that have evolved to live in sandy environments. His stamina was nearly drained however, and he could feel himself being sucked into the sand as his pacing slowed. He had to think of something and he had to think fast. Think you idiot! You are literally the smartest person on the planet. Why are you blanking? Must be that glass of wine I had last week.
If he didn't spend time insulting his own intelligence, perhaps he would have seen the drop. He couldn't stop himself in time and went tumbling down the tall dune along with the camels. To make matters worse, the bottom of the dune contained a special type of quicksand capable of pulling in objects at extreme speeds. Shikamaru wasn't getting out of this one.
"If I knew I was going to die such a shitty death then I would have developed a smoking habit like Asuma sensei."
Luckily for us this is a fanfiction based on a popular shounen anime, so of course Kankuro appeared at the last minute and threw down a rope from the top of the dune.
"Grab on Shikamaru!"
Shikamaru couldn't believe his eyes. "Kankuro? By the great Rikudō Sennin, is that Kankuro?"
"Yeah man. Hurry up and grab hold!"
"Grab hold? As if I would touch anything that's been in the hands of a traitor."
Kankuro couldn't believe his ears. "Oh my Rikudō Sennin! Are you still mad about that? It's been a year. Let it go and grab the damn rope!"
"We were supposed to be a team! You bring Gaara, I bring the camera crew and Naruto acts as the woman. But you had to pussy out at the last minute, didn't you? I would rather die than get help from you!"
Shikamaru stared up into the sky as his torso began sinking into the pits of the Earth. Soon he would be reunited with mother nature and all his troubles would be over. Shame though; he really wanted to be dominated by Temari one last time.
Speaking of Temari, "Shikmaru you grab hold of that rope or so help me God I will strip you naked and have Kankuro beat you with my fan!"
Kankuro looked fearfully at his sister. "Why am I involved?"
Shikamaru couldn't believe Temari was here. She had just left Konoha yesterday and was already back on duty.
"Babe, that imagery alone is worse than the current situation I am in. So yeah, thanks but no thanks." He folded his arms behind his head and smiled. She wasn't going to get the best of him today. But Gaara would.
He crept up behind Shikamaru and in one effortless swoop pulled him out of the sand.
"Long time no see. Are you having an argument with my sister?"
Shikamaru was left speechless trying to find the right thing to say while he was lifted to the top of the dune.
"Hey Gaara! How've you been man? Listen, I wasn't actually planning to die. I mean, Kiba might be clinically depressed but I'm not haha…"
"I have nothing against you wanting to end your life. I do however have a problem with you and Temari fighting. You two are the most important people to me. I want you to be happy."
"What about me bro?" asked Kankuro ecstatically.
"Oh, are you here too Kankuro? Good, you can save the camel."
Kankuro nearly stumbled down the dune but caught himself and managed a laugh. "Good one bro."
Gaara pierced him with his eyes. "Did I stutter?"
Kankuro would have soiled his pants if Shikamaru didn't step in. "Wait! As much as we would love to see that, those aren't ordinary camels. They've gone mental."
"Mental?" Gaara peered down at the few camels that remained above the sand. He noticed their glowing red eyes and demonic screams.
"So what would you have me do Shikamaru? Just let them die?"
"What we should do is find Naruto and figure out just who the hell is behind all this shit."
"Naruto? He is in my village. He knocked himself out and is currently resting."
Shikamaru's face lit up with happiness. "Thank you ninja-Jesus! Alright then, let's get go - wait! Shit, I just remembered I left a few enemies tied up back in the forest. I was gonna go retrieve them when I found Naruto, but now I'm worried they'll be eaten by whatever other possessed beast is in that forest."
Gaara gave him a nod. "I'll send some men into the forest." He looked back down and watched the last of the camels sink under the sand. I am sorry aunt Chiyo. The emergency food rations you left us are gone.
It took about 10 minutes to reach the sand village via Gaara's flying nimbus of sand. Upon arriving, Temari gave Shikamaru a punch to the gut and a kiss on the lips and then took off to rejoin her black ops team. Thanks a lot babe. Now I'm turned on.
Shikamaru looked at Kankuro. "You want a kiss too?"
Kankuro shook his head in disgust. "No thank you. Okay Gaara, I'm off to my flower shop."
"Wait." Gaara noticed that Kankuro seemed a bit too excited to return to work. "Empty your pockets."
"What? Why?" Kankuro began sweating but did as he was told. "See. It's just my wallet."
Gaara looked inside and found some nude photos from women who had proposed to him.
He shook his head in disappointment. "Just…get out of my sight."
Kankuro bowed his head in shame, then immediately ran off as if he knew the situation was only going to get worse.
Shikamaru peeked over Gaara's shoulder. "Hey uh, I can throw those away if you want. I was heading to the trash anyway."
Gaara turned around and smiled at his friend. "Thank you Shikamaru. You are always so helpful."
After a five-minute walk up a multitude of stairs, they had finally reached the room Naruto was resting in.
"Naruto is resting in here," said Gaara. "He hit his head pretty hard. Plus, the medicine he is taking will no doubt make him a bit slow. Just keep that in mind."
When Gaara opened the door, he was greeted with the overwhelming aroma of multiple meats, eggs, vegetables and noodles. There was a lot of it. All cooked. The entire room was literally filled with ramen.
It wasn't easy to force their way through the bowls of ramen, some empty and some not. Not to mention the smell. Gaara regretted not grabbing some gas masks.
Shikamaru nearly slipped on some rubbery pork but luckily landed right on his boss's lap.
Naruto looked down at Shikamaru with a long noodle string hanging from his mouth. "Damn Shikamaru. Cheating on Temari already?"
Shikamaru quickly re-adjusted himself. "Jesus Naruto. You had us really worried."
"I am still quite worried," said Gaara. "How in the world did you finish all this food?"
Naruto stared at Gaara in confusion. "What do you mean? It's not a lot. You're welcome to some after I finish."
"You mean you're not done?" Shikamaru responded in amazement. "You know what, it doesn't matter. Just sit there and listen to our current situation."
Naruto listened intently to everything his assistant had to say and to everyone's surprise, quickly came to a conclusion.
"I have come to a conclusion," he said.
They were surprised but listened closely.
"I need more salt in my ramen."
Shikamaru was getting ready to throw his fist at his boss's face. Gaara gave a chuckle. Unfortunately, Shikamaru would have to wait on his anger as there was suddenly a violent earthquake.
"Yo! What the hell?" Shikamaru was launched from the bed. Gaara stumbled but caught himself. Naruto's ramen flew into his face.
Then, just as fast as it occurred, it had ended. Gaara rushed towards the window and saw a scene that made him do a double take.
"Oh my lord…what is this?"
Naruto and Shikamaru rushed towards the other window.
Both of them looked in horror at the two giant, star-like eyes glaring down at the village. There was no way this could possibly be happening. Yet it was. The giant sand creature, one of the nine fabled tailed beasts, had appeared right in front of them. Shukaku of the sand.
***Authors note:
Hello everyone. I had a blast writing this chapter but it wasn't until I was almost done that I realized, "Hey. I hardly advanced the plot." I was having too much fun with the banter. Anyways, I hope you still enjoyed. I promise the next chapters will incorporate the humor more with moving the plot forward.