21. Metamorphosis
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"Oh, and look at this one!" Bella sifted gently through the box and pulled out another photograph of me as a baby. I shifted my weight uncomfortably and jammed my hands in my pockets.
It wasn't that I minded her sharing the photographs with the family—in fact, I had been the one to suggest it. And I didn't mind Esme cooing over them with her, or Alice pointing out humorous things in them, and was frankly amused by how badly Rosalie was hiding her interest in seeing them.
No, none of that bothered me. What bothered me was Emmett.
"Oh, look at cute widdle Eddie with his cute widdle smiley-wiley!"
He just. Wouldn't. Stop. And Jasper wasn't exactly helping. He was amusing himself by feeding my embarrassment back to me. It circled, growing deeper each time, until I started growling.
"Outside," Esme said warningly, not even looking up from the photo in her hand.
I launched myself at both of them, and Bella gasped loudly as the three of us tumbled out of the open window into the warm July sun.
"Don't worry, missy," Jasper shouted, as he wrestled me past the tree line. "We won't hurt him!"
"Speak for yourself!" Emmett crowed.
I rammed my shoulder into his stomach, hard, forcing a surprised breath out of him. "Stop trying to scare her!"
He just laughed and tried to get me in a headlock. After a minute, I realized I was laughing too.
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The past three months have been an emotional rollercoaster. My Bella is a perpetual delight, and her love for me is so steady. I can depend on her affection in a way I haven't experienced since being human. The Cullens', as well—I somehow slipped into the space Alice prepared for me in their family with no trouble at all. My relationships with each of them grew so effortlessly that if I didn't know better, I would think I had been with them always.
But I do know better. I think sometimes of the vision Alice had of Bella's father screaming, and I think about the parents of all the innocent people I killed in the last fifty years, the siblings, the friends.
All the people who I left with no trace of their loved ones. Who, whether they vocalized it or not, I left screaming.
I don't deserve any of the good that has come to me.
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My emotional rollercoaster, unfortunately, is also Jasper's. He bore it in silence for almost a month before asking to speak privately with me.
We went far enough into the forest that none of the others could overhear, but not so far that I would be uncomfortable. Jasper is very good like that.
I was concerned about what he wanted to say. I knew my emotional upheaval had to be distressing to him, but I was floundering in my attempts to manage it. There's no escaping what I had done, and no way to go back and change it. It worried me greatly, because I couldn't see a way forward. It was impossible to forget what I had done, but neither could I expect Jasper to suffer along with me in my regrets. I'd begun to seriously consider the idea of living separately from the Cullens—close enough to visit on my good days, but far enough to avoid being a burden to them.
Perhaps it would be for the best. I admire Carlisle greatly, but some of my worst periods of regret have come after spending a great deal of time with him. His goodness can be unbearable. Not his fault, of course, but mine, as I have so little of my own goodness to claim.
I wish I could be as good.
And surely the rest of the family would benefit from some space between us, as my "episodes" (as Rosalie somewhat caustically refers to them) were upsetting to everyone. Hopefully, that's what Jasper wished to speak about, and not to tell me that he and Alice are leaving. Esme would be devastated, and—
"Stop worrying," Jasper interrupted dryly. He dropped to the ground and leaned back against a large boulder, waving his hand at another across the way. "Take a seat."
I settled down, trying to enjoy the heat of the sun-warmed stone against my back.
He began without preamble, "Last week, after we watched that TV show…"
Even with so little description I knew what he referred to. Emmett had finally tracked down the episode of Unsolved Mysteries which included the tale of Carlisle running off with Esme's (presumed) corpse. We were all laughing and ribbing Carlisle, when I looked back at the TV screen and saw a picture of one of the first girls I'd "wooed".
She hadn't been missing long at that point, less than a year, and her mother and best friend were filmed talking about her and her disappearance.
Needless to say, I didn't react well.
"…you said if only there was something you could do, you could manage better."
"Yes," I confirmed a little bitterly, wishing for the umpteenth time that I could go back and change things.
"And I agree," he said, making me look up in surprise. "I don't know exactly what happened and I don't need to, but I feel your regret and your helplessness. Having some way to… not make amends, but to give people closure, will hopefully help you cope with whatever you did."
"I've thought of that," I admitted, "but it's not as though I can turn myself in."
"No," he agreed, and chuckled, thoughts of the bewilderment of the police at my claiming murders far older than I appeared to be, and then their shock at my unbeating heart running through his head. "But I talked to Alice, and she says if we're careful, and do it over a number of years, we can tip off police where the bodies are buried."
I stared at him. "We can do that?"
He shrugged one shoulder nonchalantly. "We can use pay phones in different places or disposable cellular phones to call tip lines and police stations, and I have a guy, Jenks, who handles some things for us. He can do the rest."
I leaned back, letting the heat from the rock seep into me. Jasper was right, it wasn't amends—no matter how I wish to, there's no way I truly can make amends—but it was a way to alleviate some small part of the despair I left behind.
Jasper laughed suddenly. "Hope is a good feeling, Edward. I don't think I've ever felt it from you before."
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Tonight before Bella fell asleep she told me quietly that she'd given it a lot of thought and in a couple of years she wanted me to change her. I tried not to think of the glimpses I'd seen of her in Alice's head and how they had made me feel, and asked her why.
"So I can be with you forever," she replied, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Why else?" I demanded, to her obvious confusion. I ignored the adorable crinkle between her brows so I could think. "There has to be another reason." Please have another reason.
"Why should there be another reason?"
"Because there needs to be!" I blurted desperately. "I can't… I've sworn not to destroy you."
The crinkle deepened into a frown. "You wouldn't be. Do you think Carlisle destroyed Esme?"
"It's not the same thing. Carlisle is..." Honorable. Admirable. Worthy. "Carlisle is different. Better. I'm not worth it."
Her eyes flashed fire, and then as she clearly began considering and discarding possible responses I wished more than ever to be able to read her mind. "You are," she said finally, her voice definite. "You are worth it." She stretched up to kiss me, then settled her head on my shoulder, murmuring against my neck, "There's another reason for me to be changed, since I expect it will take more than my natural lifespan to convince you. Hopefully it won't take all of eternity to make you see yourself as others do."
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I've agreed to do it, even though I know just how abominably selfish that makes me. But if she stays human she'll die. And I still don't trust anyone to burn me.
A/N: So sorry this took so long. Aside from writer's block and ill health and general life mayhem, I really struggled with finding a balance for Edward in this chapter. He's not the same as canon!ward, obviously-he's never had the luxury of being as angsty as in canon and due to his experiences part of him is much more pragmatic than in canon. Yet at the same time he did start out as the same morally upright Edwardian boy, and coming to any kind of terms with what he chose to do (beyond just killing humans) is going to be a very difficult thing. Anyway! I hope you enjoyed- the epilogue will be up tonight or tomorrow. If you have a moment, I'd love to know what you think!