'Commander Paris, I demand that we return and I join my husband on his away team' she raises her supra-ocular implant at me, daring me to refuse. Bitch! I can't help but think.

'Seven, there is no evidence of any concern, it is a simple forage run. We have a timetable and we are going to follow it' said as dismissively as I dare. I will not grit my teeth. What the hell is she doing on the alpha schedule anyway? She is supposed to be on beta!

'The captain and commander should not be in the same shuttle, it is a breach of protocol...' and I try to look like I am listening intently as she quotes the whole damn regulation to me. I fcking know Seven! I had this same conversation with the Captain. I also know that she set this up, an entirely safe and pointless excursion so that she would have the opportunity to talk to the commander without interference.

There she stands, drawn to her full majestic height, interference personified. The days when I would take note are long gone.

Seeing that she is getting nowhere with this Tuvok like monologue on protocol, she has paused, clearly assuming I will bow down to her fcking superior wisdom and order a course change due to her infallible logic. Sorry, no go.

'Dismissed' I say abruptly. She turns and stalks out of the briefing room and out of my fking way.

My tolerance for Seven is at an all-time low.

Running my hand through my all-too receding hair - damn those paternal genes - I stride confidently back onto the bridge. Dammit! Seven is by Baytart trying, no doubt, to effect a course change.

Will the damn woman ever back down?

'Seven, I expect you to return to astrometrics immediately.' and as she turns and looks like she will try again, I find myself in my father's stance, with his surprised frown upon his face as I say 'now' in a quiet crack of command. She leaves the bridge, and I am relieved.

'As you were' I tell the crew 'Baytart, continue on course and Jor, keep an eye on the shuttle, it wouldn't hurt to have an early alert if the commander takes a dive' there is a half-hearted laugh from the bridge team. It is like joking in a morgue

'Ayala, keep an eye on Seven' I murmur as I walk past tactical to sit myself in the command chair.

Shit, but I wish for the old days. It all really fell apart when Chakotay started dating Seven. The signs were there earlier, but B'E and I were so taken up with the coming of Miral that we lived in our own cocoon. We were perhaps the last to know, except for the Captain, and B'E has never really forgiven Chakotay for the deception. Having Seven swan around in her distressingly superior fashion, smirking over her 'win' added insult to injury.

I keep my calm face plastered on. Between the captain and my father, I have been taught well the principles of command, particularly the command mask. Not that I ever expected to find myself the de-facto first officer. Clearly that is still Chakotay's title, but he rarely steps up to that plate now. Instead he captains the beta shift. He does it extremely competently, and the captain gives him his head over it. I support her on the alpha shift, and Harry has the gamma, with alternate back up from the captain and Chakotay as required. Ayala has gradually replaced Tuvok, and moves between all the shifts, technically fourth in command after Harry.

All change at the top.

Tuvok has been running the best alternative to starfleet academy that I know of these past two years in particular. We have lost hope of a quick return home, though we do hope to return eventually. He has a strategy to train us all to be excellent at two areas, competent in another and passable in a fourth. If he can get us all in this programme, we will have the adaptability to run Voyager, accommodate our losses and train the next gen.

We now have whole or half coloured pips to identify excellent and competent specialisms in easy to identify shades. I am depressingly deemed excellent at command and flight, competent at medicine and passable at tactics. Since I am in command red, this just gives me a half coloured deep blue pip. Fcking depressing.

The Captain has a full house, obviously.

The lower ranks have really taken to this though, it has added a boost to a monotonous existence. Well, that and fcking. We have 14 more children born on this ship since Miral, and another 3 currently in the oven.

Damn! I feel my face falter at the memories that flood in. After our last Borg near death experience, when B'E lost the baby the captain and I had no idea she was carrying, we found that we can't have any more. I shouldn't really blame Seven for this, but she left out some key bits of briefing, and I am not alone in wondering whether part of her hoped the Captain wouldn't return. Backfired on her. Chakotay risked everything to get the Captain back. He would have risked Seven too, and it was apparent to all that he was always the Captain's first. The first signs of trouble in paradise.

But for us, it was a disaster. B'E was just caught up in the misadventure. Collateral damage. Irrelevant. I doubt Seven considered for a moment who else would be hurt. The doc blames it on the failsafe device malfunction causing uncontrollable emotions. Well, I have uncontrollable emotions about this too, without having a failsafe at all. I can't give a flying fck about Seven's wellbeing, and struggle to be bothered about Chakotay.

When B'E gets morose, she suggests I father another one elsewhere and I have to gradually coax her out of that. I am gloriously glad of the family we have, but I am jealous as hell of all the expectants.

No children for Chakotay either. Ha! I take a mean joy from this. The lower ranks gossip that perhaps the Borg don't, but as one of her physicians, I know that it is all in perfect working order, she just has her nanoprobes on shoot to kill. We aren't even close to friendly now, and I don't have a death wish otherwise I would ask him just how it feels, to break the captains heart for a mid life crisis with an ice maiden instead of staying true to your fragile, human queen of fire, and now have no chance of children. To have no chance of children... at least we have Miral.

I hope she has ten fat chuckling babies with Ayala. Yep, I really do.

Brooding Bastard. I hope he chokes on it.

'I'm reading an unauthorised power up of a shuttle, Sir' Jor calls out. I'm pulled out of my bitter reverie and look at Ayala

'Her comm badge is still in astrometrics' and I look at him, he knows immediately who is in it, as do I '... and her life signs are in the shuttle bay. Damn'

'Shut her out, power down the shuttle, seal the shuttlebay' I know as I say it that we will not be able to outmanoeuvre her. Borg excellence is unfortunately still excellent even when against us rather than delta quadrant adversaries.

'Paris to Seven' I send out on an all hail since she hasn't got her fcking comm badge on.

'Power down the shuttle and return to the bridge. This is an order.' and as expected she carries on with the pre-flight check without any sign of hearing me. She only irregularly responds to the command structure personified by the Captain, and ignores the rest of us completely.

'Jor, patch me through specifically to the shuttle she is in'

'Seven, desist, return to the bridge. This is an order.' I say with the bite of anger.

'Jor, put the shuttle bay and craft on screen' and we can see the shuttle bay, the various lights flashing on the Sacajawea and the viewscreen link to the shuttle is resolutely off. Damn.

'Doctor, code green' I message him in sickbay. It announces a 'failsafe device' moment. The Captain called it code green in gallows humour. I transfer him to the shuttle. I hardly need a countdown before Seven is on the com

'I fail to see the necessity of the Doctor.' I just ignore her. 'Ayala, take a team to the shuttle bay.'

She can hear me. We can all see she can hear me. She has a choice. She can push this, to disobey the line of command in such fashion that she is likely to see brig time, let alone be removed from duty, and there is nothing Chakotay can or will do about this.

She can back down.

The Sacajawea powers down, as I hear the Doc speaking softly to her. She doesn't want to know, and I can see on the screen a haze to her eyes. Damn, she is going to cry. I don't want to see weakness in her, I don't want to have to forgive her her frailties. I don't want to understand. Anger is all that keeps me going.

'viewscreen off.' Jor complies, and then looking at her I see that this is not the end of it.

'Commander?'

'Yes, Jor?'

'the captain's shuttle? It has just disappeared from the screen'

Fck. that is all I need. Fck! Fck! Fck!

'Could the planet ionosphere be interfering with our monitoring? Is there any other spacecraft activity? Is there a debris trail?' Honestly, she should just give me the damn information'

'I am recalibrating currently, Sir.' I wait, resisting the temptation to tap my fingers. Fck! I know I am going to have to send them out.

'There is something in the ionosphere that is stopping detailed scan resolution to the planet. There is an excess of chroniton activity. There is no obvious debris, and no signs of other spacecraft'.

Fck!

'Paris to Ayala'

'Sir'

'Prep a team to take the delta flyer to the planet.' I needn't say which one 'There are unusual chroniton particles so do not descend, keep a geosynchronous orbit once the shuttle located. Review for lifesigns. Attempt transport rather than rescue if required after suitable communication. Take the Doc and Seven. There is no indication currently of anything untoward, just we have been unable to maintain a review. I will rendezvous with the Atribates as planned at 18:00 and then return to the planet coordinates. Keep me informed as to escalation.'

'Noted, Sir'

I have just given Ayala the most miserable retrieval errand. Seven will be a nightmare, who knows where the Captain has gone with the Commander, and I am aware that he loves her. Like so many others.

'You are the mission lead, and take Rollins'

'Thankyou'

'Paris to Seven'

'Sir' I do like borg sarcasm when it occurs.

'There is no evidence of anything untowards. In light of your concerns, I am authorising you to be on the mission, but let me make it clear that Ayala is sole in charge. Your role is to analyse the chroniton interference and judge what steps can overcome it with the Doctors assistance. Also any additional factors leading to the loss of resolution. Do not take the delta flyer down. Do you copy?'

'Sir'

Jor has placed the viewscreen back to the shuttle bay and has announced they are cleared to leave. Damn you Kathryn! Why can't anything go smoothly any more.

-0-0-0-Ayala -0-0-0-

I'm not sure that I can do this. I have been gradually creeping closer to the Captain with the help of B'E and Tom. They want me to be a Chakotay replacement. I want to be seen as me. There is little chance of that. Can I really accept being the understudy who gets to play the part? Can I accept being the servants portion in the kitchen whilst the grand dining experience goes untouched?

I'm not sure.

The crunch is coming. I guess this trip of hers was to forewarn Chakotay.

Over the last month, I have made a number of clear approaches that I would be 'interested'. What an understatement! She has the last few times allowed me to escort her to events, to hold her waist, and oh so subtle flirting. But I can see the heartbreak behind as she does it. I think she will allow me to comfort her. I am hoping she will allow and enjoy a physical relationship. But I won't get her heart or soul. She will never be 'my Kathryn' .

Can I allow my heart to be rent by loving fully this indomitable woman.

Can I put her needs completely before any needs of mine, knowing that she might care, she might even come to love in a fashion, but she will never truly be mine.

I think of her strength, her determination, her love for the crew. I remember her defending Chakotay and Seven even as her heart broke. I think of the sadness that flickers in her eyes when she thinks no-one is watching.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

'Ayala!' Seven's voice interrupts my reverie. 'The pre-flight checks are complete!' she is full of indignation, every second weighs on her. We have both much to lose.

'Rollins, take her out.' and we are speeding back to the planet.

'Doctor, could you work with Seven to see if we can devise something that will help us avoid the complications of chronitons'

'irrelevant!' Seven barks back as I grit my teeth. 'I can adjust my nanoprobes and also phase slightly so that I can both avoid the chroniton particles and they should have no effect, once we have identified their chromoquantum signature'

'That may work for you, Seven, but there may be the need for additional assistance. Doctor, Seven, if you would be so kind' I say it gently, but I know she is going to carry on her way, with the Doc blindly following her path. Hell! This is one crappy team.

A sniff and she and the doc walk away and commune over the science consul.

Rollins and I scan the planet and take up an orbit slightly further out that procedure to scan for everything we can think of that would destabilise a shuttle. We see it, there are periodic plumes of high concentration oxygen being released from what look like vents on the planet surface. It doesn't take much analysis to confirm that if this plume were to go in one of the lateral vents, it could destabilise the thrusters, causing a temporary loss of intertial dampeners as well as erratic movements. This could pull the shuttle into the ionosphere, and further O2 plumes would worsen the stability. Should be able to land though.

I send back my findings, confirming that in current configuration this shuttle can't go down. Seven is unimpressed. She wants to know where they are. I am tempted to say 'You and me both, baby' but instead nod.

Tom is more appreciative, and says B'E will work on an adaption so that we can make a shuttle recovery.

The chronitons are making scanning for the shuttle position difficult. There are some temporary images of the shuttle in the ionosphere that are confusing our sensors. I have to snap at a frustrated Seven that we will need to do a sector by sector visual approach and we may still only have the most probably endpoint. It does give her and the doc a chance to actually make the chroniton resistant serum that he has been discussing rather than just theorise.

After several hours of close visual scanning we have our first possible sighting. Seven is nearly incendiary with her impatience. Borg brilliance has not come up with an alternative in the meantime, so she has just had to pace. Incessantly. I thought pacing might be inefficient, but that just rewarded me with a glare.

I send her to the back to see if Doc has a working serum, and the next moment she has transported off the ship. Shit! A call, and I realise she has taken the Doc with her.

'Ayala to Chakotay'... no response 'Ayala to Janeway'... perhaps a slight fuzz 'expect incoming' I say.

'Rollins, keep trying the shuttle, and I will try Seven'

'Ayala to Seven' and I hear my voice from the back of the shuttle. Damn! She has taken off her commbadge. There will be hell to pay.

Due to the chronitons and whatever else in the ionosphere, I can't track her. I don't even know if the shuttle is there. Damn. We have no serum to follow her down, and no Doc to synthesise it.

I apprise Tom of our position. He does not sound surprised.

'I suggest you wait for 18 hundred when we can join you, unless you get the option to transport up from the planet in the meantime. Do not follow'

I glance at Rollins. No words are required. We are up shit creek.