You take every opportunity you can get to escape outside. Every day more colours are beginning to bloom and you're remembering what true beauty looks like for the first time in years. Blue remains to be your favourite; the vase of cobalt Astorian blossoms you keep on your bedside table is testament to this. However, as much as you love the sky, you really wish you could figure out who the hell your soulmate is as you're at an absolute, fucking loss. Cassian keeps hopefully skipping into your thoughts, but you push him aside every time; that was a dangerous road to go down. Ahmed Sol maybe? You mean, he was handsome (very much so) but there was no chemistry so surely not. It could be Alex from Tactical, but you figured that was unlikely given the fact that you two were only newly friends.
Who the fuck could it be?
You blow the hair out of your eyes in frustration before you jolt upright, nearly falling, at the voice calling from the ground below, "Y/N, should I even ask what you're doing?"
You grasp a tree branch and swing slightly to appraise Cassian before responding, "No. I'm doing exactly what I look like I'm doing."
"Swinging from a tree like an Endor Howler Monkey? I mean, fair enough."
You roll your eyes and sit back against the trunk, "Sure buddy, whatever makes you happy."
He doesn't respond and you think you've pissed him off until the strong rustling of leaves tells you otherwise. You open your eyes and look down to see him just below you.
"Are you going to help me up?"
"No. This branch will break clean off if I pull your ass up here. Find your own."
He stares up at you for a moment like he's going to pull you off. You grasp the tree tighter but Cassian then hops slightly and pulls himself up to the branch right of you. Your breath hitches slightly at the strip of bronzed skin that peaks out from underneath his shirt and the muscles of his arms under strain. You quickly find something of immense interest off to your left while you wait for the blood that's rushed to your face to cool.
"Did I say something to offend you?"
You're surprised, "No, I thought I saw a f-"
"Not today, just in general Y/N."
Confusion painted across your features, you turn to Cassian. He is visibly concerned and your heart drops in guilt. In your mess of finding your soulmate, you had been distracted and even avoiding Cassian because he made the whole fiasco even more baffling.
"No, of course not. I've just been busy trying to find my s-"
"Soulmate, I know. Was that it? I wasn't trying to be dismissive, I promise."
"I know, Cassian. I… I've just been busy, you know? Like, this part is supposed to be easy. I've found the person, technically, so it should be smooth flying but here we are!" You gesture to the world around you in frustration and sit back.
"So you still haven't found them?"
You fight the irritation growing in your stomach, "No Cassian, I haven't - evidently."
"You're right, sorry. It's just… surely you have a guess?"
Your tongue considers his name but mercifully your brain catches on first, "Ahmed Sol? I mean, he's always finding excuses to walk me places."
"The fact that he's handsome doesn't hurt either, does it?" His words are joking, light, but Cassian's tone is brittle.
Who do you think you are, Cassian Andor… Two can play this game.
"I mean, you're not wrong; his lieutenant's uniform is definitely a bonus… Maybe I should go see him before procedures this evening," you look off into the distance in what you hope looks like a dreamy fashion.
A minute passes before he responds, "But he would have said something by now surely if he's as enamoured as you say."
"I never said 'enamoured'. What's your problem, you're the one who asked me to guess."
"Yeah, I just never thought you'd say Sol of all people."
"Oh sorry, your highness. Who would you recommend then?"
The silence is heavy, ugly, and you wonder how everything had gone wrong so quickly.
"… It's been weeks, Y/N. Surely you should know by now."
The calm snaps.
"Do you think I'm making this up? Really, Cass?!"
His examination shouldn't bother you but oh Maker, it really does. Every stabbing little comment is a reminder that it's not him. Or more to the point, that it was Cassian but he didn't feel the same. You push yourself from the branch and the thought from your mind. You would not walk that path. Not today, not ever.
"Of course I don't mean that Y/-"
"Whatever, Cassian," you land with a quiet thump, "Can we just promise to never talk about this again?"
"Why, Y/N?"
You spin back around and look up so you can stare him down, "Why?! Because you keep making these needling, fucking irritating comments like this has anything to do with you! Cassian, if you spent half the energy you've been using on interrogating me on finding your own soulmate, maybe you'd actually have someone."
The aftertaste of regret is instantaneous and potent. You turn away immediately, trying to blink away the furious tears building in your eyes. What were you thinking?! Unfortunately, the thud of boots follows only seconds later.
Cassian's voice calls as clear as day, "Really, Y/N?! I'm only asking because I give a shit. Also, you're the one who came to me about this! Either way, it doesn't matter. I do have someone, Y/N, you just never bothered to ask."
Your tracks stop dead.
No.
He wheels in front of you and crosses his arms as he waits for your response, anger plain across his face. Not that it matters.
You are caving in like a shallow promise under pressure. Your eyes are burning and colours are flashing in and out of focus, mimicking your heartbeat. It feels like there's nothing left in the world to say but how could I have been so stupid!. It feels like Cassian has taken a knife and cut open your ribs, exposing your lungs to the sunshine. It feels like fire crystals are growing in the pit of your stomach, slowly burning you alive. It feels worse than you thought you were capable of.
So, you articulate these feelings as best as you are currently able.
"Bullshit."
His expression is incredulous, "Bullshit, really?! You hypocrite! Look, there's blue, yellow, green." His hands are erratically pointing around you.
You can't bring yourself to look, but deep down you know he's not lying. You shove past Cassian and throw a dismissive hand gesture over your shoulder. You hope this is the end of the conversation, because right now you need to be anywhere he's not. Unfortunately he has other ideas.
"You don't get to start this and then just run away, Y/N! Answer me, Y/N: what is your problem with me?!"
Your lightning-quick sorrow has swiftly turned back to anger and you stomp back towards him, stopping mere centimetres from him. His irises are golden chestnut, warm, flecked with amber and intoxicating; had you not already been drowning in anger, you would have been tempted to try in his eyes.
"I've already told you my problem, Cassian. I don't like all your ques-"
"To quote you, Y/N, 'bullshit'! I know you and that's not it! What. Is. Your. Problem. With. Me?!"
"I love you, alright! I love you Cassian!"