Anger has always been one of your shortcomings but never before had it betrayed you so completely. You feel too hot while simultaneously faint, and the blood is draining from your face despite the fact that you're burning up. However, you're not going to collapse and you're not going to fall apart. Humiliated or not, you've come this far; there will never be a better time to get the truth out.
"I… I have been in love with you for months, Cassian, but for what?! You don't love me back. And I can't ask you to love me back because you obviously have someone else and it can't be me because you knew. So forgive me if I come off cold or distracted, but you have no idea what it's like to have a soulmate that will never love you back! I'm a fighter, I know I'm supposed to just soldier on, but this—" you gesture between the two of you— "is breaking me."
You cut off with a crack in your voice. You can't bring yourself to look at Cassian but the silence feels damning.
You sigh and cover your eyes with your hands, "So… If we could forget all about this, that'd be fantastic… I don't know, I'll get myself transferred to another station or something…"
You step back to leave when Cassian's hand darts out to grab your wrist. You freeze in shock.
"Why would you do that?" His voice is cool, inquisitive, but by the Maker it just makes you angrier.
"Why?! Why would I, the idiot who just proclaimed her love to you, the person who doesn't love her back, want to leave?! Really, I wonder."
"Y/N, let me speak," Cassian is calm and collected, completely in control of himself.
It's fucking infuriating.
"No! I don't want your pity, Cassian! I was happy to leave the matter alone and to try to live my life but you dredged up all this. I was trying to distance myself from you so I could try and cope, and you- you just won't leave me be! Leave me alone, Cassian!"
You throw his hand off your wrist and storm off. You feel thunderous, furious and ready to crack. You're not kidding about being reassigned; right now, you need to be anywhere that he is not. You are not a half of a whole and you refuse to fall apart because your true love is not meant to be. You are a rebel, you think intensely, you don't even have time for love.
Cassian watches you stamp away and curses himself. Again, he had let his insecurity and temper get the better of him. There's no point chasing you now, you have no interest in listening to him. In the distance, you disappear into the crowds and Cassian finally realises how close he is to losing you. It is a thoroughly unsettling feeling.
"How the fuck do I fix this?" The words hang unanswered and unpromising in the air.
You spend the next day rigorously and absolutely avoiding him. You stay confined to uncommon routes around the compound, make excuses of illness, and ignore your schedule. After finding the walls of your room claustrophobic, you creep up to the roof of the compound. It's old, crumbling and difficult to climb, but the challenge is welcome. Sweating and out of breath, you collapse on an even slab of rock and take in the fading sky. The colours are inexplicable and irresistibly bewitching, there are so many that you have forgotten the names for most of them. Eventually, you drag your attention back to the holopad before you. 'Request for Transfer' is bold across the screen but you can't yet bring yourself to send the application. If you did, that would be the end of Cassian for you. This is a dangerous business with a survival rate that plummets everyday; your goodbye to him would likely be your final one. Could you live with that? Did you even want to?
You groan and rest your head in your hands. Life is fleeting and unpredictable; were you better off staying here and spending what time you could with him, even if it wasn't the way you wanted it? Or should you leave and try to scrape together some kind of proper happiness? Your head is so full of questions and anxiety that you don't notice that company has arrived.
"So you're actually leaving?" Cassian's voice is defeated and tired.
You spin to face him, suddenly feeling inexplicably ashamed and embarrassed. You force down your unease and turn back to look at the holopad.
"So what if I am? What's it matter to you?" the words sound misleadingly like statements, but you are praying he answers them as questions.
You need to know what you mean to him, it's driving you insane. He doesn't answer but simply sits flush against you, the warmth of his arm creeping up your side. A moment of silence passes.
"You know, I never appreciated the sky or how much I would miss its colours as a child," Cassian's words are soft, surprising.
You sneak a glance at him in the hopes of gauging what he's feeling, but his face is simply upturned towards the rosy sunset which casts a golden glow on his skin. You don't answer but just look down and fidget with your hands.
He continues, "I mean, just look at that, it's fucking stunning. I never realised how much it would come to mean to me; I just took it for granted and thought it would always be there. But it wasn't and it should have made me understand the price of taking the things I love for granted but it evidently didn't."
Your breath catches as you discern (hope, pray) that his words have deeper meaning.
"Y/N… you can't leave… Please don't leave."
You pause, are hesitant to break this moment, but your need for an answer gets the better of you.
Your voice is soft, "Why?"
"Because I love you."
oh
"Because I've loved you for a year and I've been praying that you would love me back. Because I was so terrified that you wouldn't. Because you mean the universe to me but I would never tell you just so you could find your actual soulmate, even if it wasn't me. Because I never meant to upset you, I just wanted to be sure that it was actually me before I told you. Because I'm a fucking coward for making you wait this long. Because I'm a fucking asshole for telling you I could see colour the way I did. Because I don't know how much time I've got left but whatever it is, I want to spend it with you, Y/N," he stumbles, trips, over the words at time but they are full of so much feeling that you want to cry.
You look up to face Cassian and he's already facing you. He's staring at you like you don't even compare to the sky and you wonder how long this had been going on without you noticing. As he closes the distance between you, you decide you don't really care.