-0-0-0-Ayala-0-0-0-

Thank God! Rollins has already activated the transport beam hearing the Docs panicked voice. Shit! I think of both of them as virtually indestructable. I activate the biobed, ready for injuries. They appear on the transporter, doc and Chakotay grouped around Seven, and the Captain gracefully collapses on the ground alone. Damn them for ignoring her!

'Captain' I shout and Rollins is jumping forwards to lift her and place on the biobed whilst the Doc is still fussing around Seven.

'Seven needs the bed' he orders. I am damned if the Captain gets relegated in treatment!

'Doctor, triage the Captain first. Once she is stable, then treat Seven'

I can't believe that he is looking mulish, 'I insist!'

'that is an order' snaps out Chakotay in agreement, and The Doc finally, and reluctantly, lets Seven down to the floor as he strides to where Rollins is reviewing the Captain.

'intercranial haemorrhage, temporal lobe oedema, type 1 tissue necrosis in patches due to hypoxia and increased free radicals' Rollins starts to present his findings...

'yes , yes!' says the doc abruptly and moves back towards Seven.

'you will treat the Captain now!' orders Chakotay. He stands between the Doc and Seven, and immovable wall for an organic doctor, less of an obstruction for our photonic.

They face off.

It is as close as the Doc has ever come to outright mutiny. Rollins and I urge him back towards the captain. There is no way to force a holographic doctor, he is oblivious to threats. instead we focus that she is the Captain, that we can't let him move on until he reviews her. Rollins can support Seven.

The Doc's devotion to Seven has always been clear, and this isn't the first time he has put her above the rest of the crews welfare. I guess this is something to flag up to B'Elanna, that there might be an adjustment needed to his programme

With an eye roll, he reluctantly makes quick work of treating the Captain's head injuries and a huge flourish with his 'magic wand'. He then only a cursory examination elsewhere until Rollins shouts 'what about the pleural effusions and lung contusion?'. Why is he being so blind to her care? This is worrying me, and Chakotay is literally growling with anger at the Doc. At least he can put the Captain first sometimes. With poor grace the Doc continues to treat the Captain until Rollins is reassured. That deep blue pip has sure earnt its reward today. I nod at him.

I go to lift the Captain up to free the biobed, but Chakotay is there first. He lifts the Captain with all the tenderness I would have expected five years ago, no care for his wife. What the hell happened on that planet?

I stay close in case he requires help, leaving Rollins to help the Doc with Seven. I have to agree, however reluctantly, that Seven doesn't look good. She is too still, and there is a dullness to her skin, almost a greyness.

Chakotay rests the Captain securely onto a chair. I expect him to then turn and go back to his wife, but instead he is supporting her in it, stroking her face. I'm fixated, I shouldn't stare! I have to watch. It is the end of my hopes to offer her comfort, that's certain, but I am taken by the rightness of it.

She has a heart stopping, tremulous smile as she opens her eyes to see him holding her, pressing her head against his hand that cups her cheek.

'Chakotay' she breathes, and he shakes his head 'I don't know, Kathryn, I don't understand. I love you. I am only yours.'

'But?' and he stops her lips with a gentle kiss 'only yours.' he slowly leaves her lips, and mine ache at the thoughts of kissing her. I know I shouldn't be watching, I am not a voyeur, but this, this is compelling. This is the completion of a romance that has hovered at the edge of Voyager since the start of our delta quadrant journey. Despite the mess surrounding this, this is beautiful.

'Kathryn, you are the mirrored soul to mine, there is no other that can complete me, partner me in the way that you can. I love you. Down there, I have made a solemn vow to you. I will honour it.' they look into each others eyes, his pleading, desperate, loving. Hers... regretful, uncertain

'but, Chakotay, you have married her, she may indeed be everything I once was. Without our memories, I don't know who I have become, and you may find that she is now all you desire.' She stops his move to talk. 'I love you, it is undeniable this feeling, and I am sure of you too. But this is our 8 years ago selves who love and are sure of each other.' she pauses as a tear falls and he wipes it away. 'I want you to know that if our memories return, and your love is for her, I will cherish what we have had as something precious, but belonging in a distant past. I will make no claims.' God! my heart breaks listening to her, and I am damn sure his should too.

I don't need to be betazoid though to know that what I am seeing is a soul match.

Damn Seven for being bold and damn Chakotay more for being weak. I can't damn the Captain though for not being brave. She used all her bravery for us, all her hope, and left none for herself.

I let the gentle cadence of their murmurings wash over me, ignoring the terse interplay between the Doc and Rollins around Seven. I can't see how this is going to play out. Damn.

When I first realised that Chakotay was dating Seven, sneaking around behind the Captain's back, I tried to give him a wake up call. Tell him to damn well chase the Captain not poor substitute. He nearly knocked me out with the force of his left hook. I left him alone after that. I ignored them both, Seven, with her uppity swagger, her boasting that she was more beautiful, cleverer, younger and clearly superior to the Captain that made me tempted to swing at her and Chakotay with his mooning fatuous look being led by something other than brain, soul or heart. I have let them wallow in the bed they had made and made damn sure not to come near them. It was not the actions of a friend.

Instead, with Tom, B'Elanna, Tuvok and Sam we created a new support for the Captain. We gave her love, time and eventually were rewarded with her laughter. We instigated dining with the Captain, where twice a week 4 lower decks joined the six of us for dinner and a game. Sometimes cards, sometimes pool, sometimes something the lower crew thought she would enjoy. It started off strained, carried by us, the senior staff. Soon, though, soon we started seeing the Kathryn Chakotay had known and we had only seen glimpses of. I damned him for a fool.

We widened the circle with Icheb as well as Naomi, realising Icheb was at a loss with his relationship with Seven. Encouraging the Captain to mentor and coach him, she soon started behaving in a motherly fashion. Picnics, holodeck adventures and now he is as good as acknowledged as her son. Icheb is luckier in his new mother than his old. This one will always value him.

We then added in dancing nights to talent nights and the Captain was a shining star. By default, and in all innocence to start with, I was her regular partner. I knew my wife had moved on, I knew that Chakotay had moved on, but it still didn't seem quite right for me to look for affection or comfort elsewhere. Slowly we have become closer. We haven't got any kind of soul connection, but we can both laugh, comfort and I think be good together. We are both passionate people.

I am brought back by the Doc snapping.

'Ayala, I asked you a question!' and I gaze at him while he asks again 'how close is Voyager?'

'ETA 30 minutes, doc' and he grumbles that he cannot do more with 'these primitive facilities' even if the delta flyer 2 is the best shuttle we have.

'Commander! time to get your memory sorted and get you back to your wife!' I'm not the only one to jump with the anger behind that. Chakotay bristles, and only the Captain holds him back, her hand on his arm until he looks at her and backs down.

'Doctor, what is the procedure and what are the risks' I switch off as the Doc does a self aggrandising talk about the chroniton resistant injection he devised with 'dear' Seven. he should have damn well given it to me or Rollins before letting her beam down to the planet without us. A lot of trouble would have been avoided if the Captain or Chakotay had seen either of us with Seven. He says this will neutralise the chronitons blocking some of their memory engrams. He then says that a guided burst of something or other will let him unblock the old memories, and restore them to themselves. I can see neither of them look very enthusiastic.

'What about our most recent memories' the Captain demands.

'they will be casualties to the rewrite' he announces in his business as usual tone. Damn man. Doesn't he realise what this means to them? The Captain is the first to respond.

'unacceptable! What about a chroniton resistant injection and await events, neural monitoring?' The Doc looks at her, 'timescale and success is already unknown. What should happen if the Borg attack?' and he raises an eyebrow 'neither of you remember your past moves or defences. We are weakened by your memory loss. Voyager needs you back in position'

Damn but he is good. The Captain's shoulders slump down.

'No!' Chakotay is determined 'we will wait for Voyager, and see if there is another way' he looks at the Captain 'I cannot risk losing you so easily. If a Borg cube appears, then do your worst, but until then, we have time.' and they both smile.

'Chakotay' and he smiles at me. In this reality of his we have yet to fall out over his choice of bride. In this reality there would be no cause to. 'Why don't you make a joint log whilst we wait? we can then clear it from the databank, and you both can have a copy. An insurance policy?' He grins at me, as the Captain blushes. I join Rollins and the Doc with Seven and ask for a report so that it is harder for us to catch their log.

The Doc's shoulders slump, and Rollins looks concerned, and he isn't Seven's biggest fan. In fact, over the last three years her fanbase has eroded to just Chakotay, allthough few are as clearly unfriendly as myself, Tom and B'Elanna. 'Her cortical implant' He says 'The phaser was on stun, otherwise she would not have survived so far, but the effect of the phaser whilst she was slightly out of phase to avoid the chronitons has damaged her cortical impant. It has moved further out of phase and I am unable to reach it with my standard instruments to correct.'

I'm not sure quite what this means for her, but the doctor carries on.

"Without a functional cortical implant she will die, probably within a few days, a fortnight at most. This happened once before, and Icheb donated his cortical implant. Now, we are nowhere near Borg space, and despite years of trying to find a solution, Seven and I are no closer to one should the implant fail. As it is out of phase, it is currently failing to support her essential Borg implants. I can artificially keep her in near stasis, but I am not sure to what end if there is no hope of a cure"

'Maybe on Voyager' I try to offer hope 'B'Elanna might be able to help, or Icheb?' after all, Seven is a member of our family. I think she may have been too clever this time though. 'Maybe the captain might be able to help?' but he looks unconvinced by this, and I am not sure it is her expertise or her willingness that is in doubt. 'She has always supported Seven' I say, and it is true, as far as it goes.

"they may not be able to offer an alternative to the implant, but they may be able to bring it back into alignment?" the doctor tuts, unbelievingly, and points to the front of the shuttle.

I look towards the Captain and Chakotay again, embracing in front of the conn. Shit, this situation is a total mess. What will happen when their memory returns? If Chakotay turns back to Seven, will this break Kathryn again? If he doesn't? I am perhaps more in love with the Captain than I have let myself believe. A dull ache spreads from my chest. Whatever, I know that the Captain would still fight death itself, or the Borg as its proxy if it would save Seven.

Yep, a total disaster.

-0-0-0- Janeway -0-0-0-

We have made our joint log. A copy for each of us, and an encrypted one for Ayala to hold. It talks of our passion, our love, of our private wedding, and shared kisses. it tells of our hopes for the future, together. We thread through each others words, laughing, holding hands, in love. We are untouched by the sadness that so many years travel may have brought us, we are the people of eight years ago. We both know that we are clinging onto something ephemeral. These are wishes on a dandelion clock, blown to the winds.

Even as I join Chakotay with our log of love and hope, I can't ignore that the Borg hybrid on the biobed is Chakotay's wife! And what a wife, young, beautiful, pouted lips, a figure to die for... clearly bold and brave as well. I am not sure how I could compete. I can't ignore that my body is older, my hair has silvering at its roots and that there are the threads of worry lines around my eyes. Old and jaded.

I know that in the true present we have no marriage, no shared love.

I think he could see the worry clouding my eyes as I looked at her and turned me to face away, kissing my eyes, mouth, murmuring his everlasting love, denying whatever conflagration in our past has led us not to be together. He swears that in his soul he knows that it is has only ever been me. I believe him, I have to believe him. Having let myself love him so fully, I have no armour to put on, no means of defense from unbearable anguish if he turns away.

I fell back into his arms. We grabbed one final passionate kiss, a touch of desperation to it since there is a chance that these few hours of joy are all that we will have. Oh, Chakotay! What have we done. In the years since we remembered, was it I that pushed you away, full of duty and devotion to crew, or was it your need for family and physical affection that drove you towards the change. Why didn't you push me? When did things change?

Pulling back I make my way back to the medical area, trying to numb my heart again, as I tried after we received the call from Tuvok, both so recent and yet so impossibly long ago. So much easier to do before I had allowed myself to commit to you. Easier before I truly knew the feel of you, the delight of you. Oh, Chakotay! Can you feel the craziness I am containing, the need to scream, wail, shout, demand that you love only me.

I nod once to him, as if assuring both of us and move outwards, Chakotay following as if reinstated to first officer position rather than as my spouse. I firm my posture, shoulders back, chin up Janeway.

I walk back into an ongoing argument. The Doctor is still adamant that we must restore my memories so that I can help cure Seven, and Ayala and Rollins are both equally insistent we shouldn't do this on the shuttle.

"Captain, I must insist that we proceed without delay! As I have mentioned, without all your memories, we are at a disadvantage. Without the combined knowledge of yourself and Seven and with the Commander also affected, we need to restore you to health immediately. I mean no disrepect to Mr Paris" and I raise my eyebrows at this, Mr Paris in charge of my ship! Where is Tuvok?

"but it is imperative that we should at least start the reversal of the chroniton effect. I see no reason for delay." he continues

He can see I am wavering and pushes ahead "You will not remember the Krenim, who had chroniton based weaponry, but what if this planet is the result of similar weaponry? With Seven also unavailable, we are lacking the ability to judge" Damn him.

"Captain?"

This does seem a reasonable and perhaps necessary compromise. I close my eyes and pinch my forehead to consider. 'no additional treatments to potentially destroy my recent memories?' I query.

He ponders this, 'not unless made necessary'

'Not good enough, none unless Chakotay, Rollins and Ayala concur' I barter back. 'I do not want to lose these memories unless my life or the ship are in immediate danger. Is that clear?"

"no" Chakotay interferes. No angrily, just determinedly. "It has to be me first, Captain, to determine whether there are any ill effects." A shared look and I agree. This is not love interfering with duty, this is duty pure and simple. We are stronger together, without barriers. There is no hidden subtext, just honesty. I wish i could just damn well go back in time and fix... this. This mess of a marriage to someone else. I should have been braver before, should have taken that leap of faith.

We are where we are, damnit!

"Do it!" I place my hand on Chakotay's shoulder as he hops up onto the biobed. The Doctor appears to be nearly cheery as he hums a damned aria whilst organising the hypospray. It is going to be fine, I repeat to myself.

"There's nothing to worry about, Kathryn" he whispers smiling up at me as his legs swings on to the couch and he relaxes back. I wish my grin back was half as convincing. I nod to the Doctors unspoken wave of the hypospray and keep my eyes locked with Chakotay.

"Doctor!" I scream as they roll up into his head as he starts to convulse. I hold him down by the shoulders, assisted by Rollins and Ayala whilst the Doctor quickly gets two further hyposprays, and then when these are ineffective, provides two pulses from a quickly replicated device.

"Doctor, what is that?" I ask sharply, I can see that it is targeting something within the brain tissue. "Ah" and he looks like he might prevaricate "tell me now!" i order. "His new memories and his previous memories are causing conflict. It is as if there is a dysjunctive dissonance in the neuroprocessing."

I glare at him "in layman's terms. Doctor!"

"if he were me, I would say my programming had a terminal error, and that one set of instructions required deletion for me to function effectively again. To that effect I have..."

"No!" I shout at him, pushing him aside "Chakotay!" I whirl to the Doctor "My God! What have you done!"

"I have returned him to an efficient running state, as required by Voyager... and his wife"

Ayala strides forwards and terminates his programme as I clutch Chakotay's biobed. It is too late, I can feel that the damage is done. Damnit, i had only sought confirmation for myself for discussion before damaging memories. Damn! Oh, Chakotay! As long as he is well, as long as he survives this.

Paris is conferring with Ayala over the com, but I no longer have the power to care. I am unsurprised to be beamed into sickbay, met by Paris, Wildman and Celes, who place Seven onto the surgical bed for the most critically injured.

They place me on a biobed and reassess my injuries, even as I try and stop them, to be beside Chakotay as he wakes. I tell Tom that I am always there when Chakotay wakes up, and can't mistake the look of pity he gives me. No, in this present, it will be his wife that does that. I can't help the tears that fall. It is with boundless compassion that he gives me the all clear, and suggests that Wildman takes me back to my quarters. My solitary quarters, I amend.

I pause to take in the scene around me before leaving.

Chakotay is waking, and with a huge roar demands to see his wife. I feel hopeful, but his gaze passes across me without any acknowledgement. instead it fixes on the young woman silent on a biobed where Paris is connecting the stasis equipment. He roars and surges forwards to her, crying out her name and activating the EMH. I see him cradle her head as tears again blur my vision. He is her husband, he loves her. I am nothing to this Chakotay, and she is his everything.

Still, I go towards him, to offer comfort.

"Chakotay?"

"Go away, Captain" he snarls at me "there is no place for you here." full of anger, his eyes never turning, never leaving the face of his wife.

This time I let Samantha lead me back to my quarters, where I relinquish myself into custody for the shooting and wounding of a fellow officer, firing wthout due care and attention.

My quarters, where I am given an escort at all times.

My quarters, where I doubt that I will ever find home or peace again.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sorry. After multiple rewrites, this is the best I can do with it. Epilogue to follow more swiftly.