I don't know how long I had stared at that whole in the ground for. It could have been fifteen minutes, it could have been hours. I just stared at it, wondering how a simple missing chunk of earth could have killed one of my best friends so easily. I stared and stared, left with only the sounds of police sirens, the wind in the leaves, and my teeth chattering rolling around in my head.
The next thing I knew I felt something warm on my back and I heard you talking softly. You said something about separating the past from the future, which I found pretty ironic, given our situation, but I didn't say anything. I just let you take me by the hand and bring me to the SUV.
It still seemed like everything except my outer features had left my body and was floating around somewhere else. Nothing was left inside of me except my sarcastic sense of humor, which commented after I had answered mechanically to the questions asked when we had to take statements.
It still hadn't returned when you offered to drive me home. I remember nodding and following you lamely to your car. You kept looking over at me, trying to catch my eye. I know you just wanted to see if I was okay.
But for some reason it bothered me that you couldn't just start talking. You couldn't just ask…No, you had to analyze everything I did and try to read it you yourself. You've always been like that. You make it so hard for yourself; you need proof and evidence, you can't just take someone's word for it.
When you pulled up to my apartment, I didn't feel like arguing. I felt like just going home and curling up with that bottle of vodka I've been avoiding and just stay like that until I was warm all the way down to my toes.
But as I went to leave the car, you reached across and grabbed my hand
"Sara," you said quietly. I just stared outside. I didn't want to talk. The last time I had poured my heart out to you, you had just sat there and watched me like you'd watch any other victim of some senseless crime.
"Sara, honey. Look at me."
"Talk to me," you said, trying to get my attention. I just wasn't in the mood to play mind games with the Great Grissom.
"Let me know you're okay. I'm…I'm worried about you."
"Thanks Grissom. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine," I said before I even knew it. It came out cold and biting – I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but I still felt like an empty shell. I just wanted to go inside and wallow in self-pity.
"I do need to worry about you…But when you say you're fine, I don't know if you really are…I need proof."
That was what I didn't want. Your pity.
"Yeah," I heard myself say, "Proof. It's always been about proof with you, hasn't it? Do me a favour this time, Grissom. Believe the truth without challenging it. I'll be fine."
"No, Sara you won't."
Suddenly everything that had been missing inside of me slammed back in. I started to almost shake, feeling like they were all vying to escape once more.
"How do you know what I will be and what I won't?!" I yelled, taking my hand from yours, "You act like you know me inside and out. But you know what Grissom? You don't!"
"Sara, I just want to know you're fine! I'm just trying to care, for Christ's sake!" You said back, and I just shook even more…this time with anger.
"Why? Because you have to, that's why. Just like you have to care about anyone else on the team. It's your job, right? You're just covering your ass from Ecklie, but you're trying to pass it off as you actually care about me!" I all but yelled
"Sara, no I--"
I wasn't done my little rant.
"And you know what else? If you took the time and actually cared enough about me, I would have let you in! I wanted you to know me, and I wanted to know you. But you're too afraid. You're a frigging coward, Grissom. A coward."
I really didn't mean for everything to come out so harsh. I was tired, angry, and confused. Everything inside of me was a mess; a melting pot of every emotion that you could stir up inside of me. I wanted to just disappear then – disappear like I did after my mother went to jail. Become another faceless name that no one cared about. It just seemed easier.
So I ran.
I ran down the rest of the street, the cold November rain stinging my eyes and splashing up on my pants as I ran through puddles. Amongst the jumble of voices in my head I heard you yelling my name. I just wanted to get away. I ran to the back door, fumbling for the keys as you jogged down the alleyway. Voices screamed in my head, but yours was above them all as I heard you yell…
"I love you!"
I froze, the voices in my head quiet. You stopped a few feet away, your eyes glassy and your hair wet. At that moment I realized that in the car when everything had slammed back into me, it hadn't been everything. It was missing something…my heart.
"Sara, I love you. I loved you for so long, and I hated it."
It slid back into place, and as you told me those words it felt like someone was squeezing it with a wrench.
"But I was totally wrong. I was an idiot and a coward, you're right. I want to love you now, Sara. I've wanted to be with you for so long…and now I'm hoping you'll give me that chance…"
I felt completely unaware of anything but your voice and the thumping in my chest. Then I realized that I was sobbing, and you stepped forward, wiping my face with your thumbs. Your eyes were a watery blue…that same blue I'd fallen in love with seven years before.
"Please…I'm so sorry Sara…I'm so sorry…" You said over and over, while I just stared at you from in between your hands. A thick drop slid from over your eyelashes and then I broke, dropping everything and grabbing your wet shirt, pulling myself into your chest.
You held me tight then, and I knew that finally things were the way they were supposed to be.
You pushed me against the door and kissed me…hard. All I had wanted for the past seven years was in that kiss. I only realized not long ago that I neglected to tell you I loved you back. But thinking about it now, I don't think I needed to.
You just understood.
I'm sorry for being so cold that night. I realized that it wasn't pity you were offering…it was genuine. I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you that, and thank you for finally understanding. Life's so much better with you around. I moved to Vegas for the simple possibility that you'd fall for me the way I fell for you. I suppose it happened.
After that, it was like we'd skipped the whole dating thing. Suddenly we had gone from coworkers to lovers and confidantes…and I was okay with it. Actually, more than okay. My nights went from sitting alone with a Chinese takeout (sad, I know) to lying with you on the couch just talking.
And now, a year since that happened, I'm writing this for you. What happened to Nick and what happened to Brass…this job is one where anything could happen, so here's knocking on wood. But just in case, I'd like you to know a few things, and I know you'll never forget them (you never forget anything).
We're no story book couple. We have our problems and disagreements. But we are a 'we' and I guess that's what makes everything seem better. Everything is better. You are the most confusing, scary, amazing, beautiful, annoying, complicated person I've ever met. It took us a long time, but a long time isn't forever. And that's what I'm thankful for. Grissom, I love you. I don't know how many times I'll get to say that to you, so I'll write it down here, where hopefully it'll stay for a very long time.
-- Sara