Going to class with Kaede had become a semi-regular occurrence for Shuichi. It let him get outside and begin readjusting to the world, even if it still felt overwhelming at times. It also gave him the opportunity to experiment with his limited magic. He was getting stronger, he thought. He didn't feel the need to pass out immediately when they got back. He still couldn't practice multiple days in a row, but that just meant he had an excuse to stay home when the idea of going out and interacting with people was too much to bear.
Even that was happening less and less as time went by. Kaede's friends were genuine and friendly, to the point that Shuichi could generally convince himself that they liked having him around. It was a little strange, but he appreciated it nonetheless.
Everything was going well. He'd finally settled into his situation, found a balance between tedium and terror that let him almost feel like a person again. It was more than he could have dreamed of even a month ago. It made it all the more painful that he was going to have to disrupt it.
As much as he wanted to hide from the truth of what happened to him, he was going to have to face it sooner or later. The question of why someone would kill him was only going to keep nagging at him otherwise. And now that he could leave the apartment, he was able to find the answer for himself. It was just a matter of working up the nerve to do it.
The last thing he wanted was to make a big deal out of it, though. The idea of learning more about his death freaked him out enough as it was. He didn't need anyone else's expectations making it worse.
He waited for a weekend when Kaede wouldn't have too much going on. That Friday evening, they were sitting on the couch together, her watching TV on her laptop and him pretending to read a book, and he decided it was as good a time as any to bring it up. "It it's not too much trouble could we go out tomorrow?"
Kaede didn't look up from her screen. "Yeah, all right. Did you have somewhere in mind?"
"Um," Shuichi said. "Well. There's this park that's right across the street from the local police station, and if you don't mind, I was kind of thinking that you could stay there while I looked at some police records?"
Kaede didn't respond right away. She paused her show and turned to face Shuichi, who fought the urge to look away. "I mean, I'm up for it," she said. "But are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, how are you planning to find the ones you're looking for?"
"The records room is just off the main hallway, towards the back of the station," Shuichi said. "There's only one security camera, and I'm pretty sure it won't pick me up if I'm careful. It should be simple enough."
"Huh." Kaede looked impressed. "It sounds like you've got this all figured out. I'm a little surprised you were able to get all this information, honestly. You'd think they'd have tighter security than that."
"Probably," Shuichi said. "I don't think they're advertising their security systems online or anything."
Kaede's eyes narrowed. "Wait," she said. "Then how did you know about the camera placement?"
"I…" That was a good question, actually. Shuichi had been so busy stressing about the details of his plan, he hadn't noticed when he skipped a step in coming up with it. That was concerning for several reasons. He chose not to worry about why he'd have that much knowledge about a police station layout. He needed to save his worry for the question of whether said knowledge was accurate. He'd gotten better, but he still didn't trust his ability to hide from a camera he didn't know about. Assuming, of course, that he could find the records room at all.
Kaede must have seen his anxiety building. She didn't push for an explanation, just gave a half shrug. "It's not that big a deal. Worst case scenario, your information is wrong and you don't learn anything, and I end up hanging out in a park for no reason. I'm all right with that."
Shuichi could think of any number of worse case scenarios, but Kaede's unconcerned optimism was reassuring. She was probably right. He didn't think he'd encounter anything like ghost cops assigned to arrest trespassing hosts, though now that the idea had occurred to him, it was going to be a constant concern at the back of his mind. It didn't matter. Kaede was right and everything would be fine. He hoped.
He wasn't about to inflict his drama on Kaede, though, so what he said was, "Well, thank you."
"Of course! It's been a while since I've been to the park anyway. I just hope you can find what you need." She turned back to her laptop, and when Shuichi didn't say anything else, started her show back up.
Shuichi stared at the book in his hands, hoping the wall of text would force his nerves to settle. He needed to go through with this. Maybe he could figure out why he was still here, or at least why he knew so much about the police station when he was pretty sure he'd died before graduating college. Even if he didn't, it was a good excuse for him to practice his skills somewhere new.
There was absolutely no downside. Just the fear, swelling in his chest until it seemed to smother him.
He went to his metaphorical bed early that night. It was the only way he'd make it to morning without driving himself insane.
The downside to this decision was that Shuichi was roused the next morning by Kaede getting out her coat. "Oh, good, you're up!" she said. "I just looked up the park on Google Maps, so I'm ready to go when you are. Do you have any idea how long you'll be?"
Shuichi blinked, trying to process all the information that had been dumped on him. "Not really? I don't think it will take that long, though. Probably just an hour or two."
"Cool, then I won't bother trying to eat lunch beforehand." Kaede reached up and checked that her pins were properly secured. "If you want to go right now, I mean. No hurry."
Leaving right now was frankly the last thing Shuichi wanted, but he knew that waiting would only give him more time to freak himself out, so he nodded. "Sounds good," he said, not even trying to keep the pessimism from his voice.
Kaede frowned, but didn't comment. "Let's go," she said, and they did.
The trip to the park was quiet. Kaede was focused on her phone, making sure they actually made it to their destination, and Shuichi was focused on playing Whack-a-Mole with his anxieties. What if he was wrong about the cameras? What if he was seen, and there really was someone on staff to deal with ghosts? What if he had to go before a ghost court and explain to a ghost judge that he was breaking the law to satisfy his own curiosity?
And what if none of that happened? If his plan worked perfectly, his reward would be a description of his own corpse. There might be pictures. Was it really worth it for information that might not have anything to do with why he was a ghost?
This was a mistake. He regretted every life decision that had brought him to this point, and every decision after his death as well. He didn't know what he'd been thinking.
He couldn't really back out now, though. He'd have to explain why, and he could just imagine the disappointment on Kaede's face when she realized what a coward he was. On top of that, the information he was looking for would only be harder to find as time went by. His file would get steadily less relevant. He should take the chance now, knowing that whatever he found could help him through the rest of his not-life.
Unless that information was the catalyst that turned him into a monster. He didn't know why he wasn't one yet, and it was entirely plausible that remembering his death would be the tipping point. Maybe he was putting everyone in danger with this plan.
He could probably have gone on like that indefinitely, worrying himself in circles until he was glad he couldn't be sick, but Kaede stopped just as the buildings lining the street gave way to an open field, effectively cutting him off. They'd arrived. He made himself visible to Kaede and forced a smile. "I guess this is my stop," he said, and immediately regretted thinking he could be funny.
Kaede very kindly didn't react to the failed joke. "I'm proud of you for going through with this," she said. "I think it'll be good for you. Good luck."
And now it was absolutely impossible for Shuichi to back out. He nodded, trying not to think about the warmth in his chest at her words. "Thanks," he said. "See you soon." He curled his hands into fists, made sure he was as invisible as he could make himself, and drifted into the police station.
No one tried to stop him as he went through the lobby, which was probably a good sign. There was a hallway exactly where he'd expected it to be. The records room was behind the first door he checked. It was all according to plan, a fact he decided not to dwell on. He still had to find his file.
He was fully prepared for a lengthy search. He didn't know anything about the filing system, but he'd been dead for a long time at this point. It had been months since Kaede had moved in. His case was presumably either closed or cold. But there was a box lying on a table, clearly in recent use, and it was as good a place to start as any. He needed to go about this methodically if he wanted to be back in an hour.
He opened the box, and there it was. His own name at the top of a manila folder. The file hadn't even gathered any dust.
Shuichi froze. He'd been counting on the tedium of the search to counter the dread of what he would find. He wasn't ready for this.
He wanted so badly to run away. He wanted to keep pretending that nothing was wrong, that he'd always been a ghost and there was nothing to worry about. It would be so easy. He'd just retreat into one of the neighboring apartments, stop interacting with the world, and try to forget about everything he'd be leaving behind.
Hands shaking, he reached into the box. His file was thicker than he'd have liked, suggesting that it did in fact contain photographs. He decided to save those for the end. He didn't want to face his own corpse unprepared. He turned his attention to the written material instead.
The tone of the report was clinical. It was almost detached enough to let Shuichi forget it was about him. There was a brief description of him in the beginning, confirming his suspicions about things like his age, but otherwise, everything was about "the victim." Apparently, the victim in question had been found in the showers in a dorm on Kaede's campus. As he'd assumed, he'd been killed by a knife to the stomach. His right wrist had also been broken. The reason was unclear, as there were no other signs of a struggle.
Shuichi was faintly surprised by how well he was taking the news. Sure, there was a part of him that was utterly panicking, consumed by sadness and fear and despair. But on the surface, he was completely calm. This all made sense. His hands had even stopped shaking.
He turned the page as if in a trance, and was faced with his own corpse. The written description hadn't prepared him for the overt reality of his death.
As Kaede had said, there was a knife sticking out of his stomach. Blood streamed from the wound, staining the floor a lurid pink. There were streaks of blood on the walls surrounding him. His body was slumped against the back wall, unable to support itself. His expression was strangely neutral, almost peaceful, but the incongruity only highlighted the wrongness of it all.
It was too much to take in. Shuichi couldn't figure out where he should look, which bit of horror was the most relevant to his current situation. He kept getting stuck on an innocuous bloodstain on the shower wall. It was practically behind him, and unlike all the other streaks of blood, it seemed to have been smeared horizontally. It wasn't clear how it had gotten there, or why it didn't match the rest of the scene.
A part of him couldn't help but wonder why that would matter. Knowing the details of this one point wouldn't change the overall situation. He was dead, someone had killed him, and no amount of nitpicking would change that.
What had been done to him could not be undone, could not be atoned for, could only be avenged, and vengeance was clearly owed to him for this. He would make them pay, show them the consequences of their failings and their sins made manifest, they would suffer knowing it was no less than they deserved.
The warmth seemed to drain from his vision, leaving the world washed out and dull, revealing it for its true self. There was a tug at the back of his mind, a nagging feeling that there was something he needed to be doing. He ignored it. He had no time for it, there were more important things to do, he'd finally realized his true purpose.
He flipped back to the first page of the report, taking in every last detail of his death, devising ways to use them for his purposes. They would know exactly what had brought about his wrath, they would recognize him and know why he had come, but the knowledge would come too late to save them!
His eye caught a line of text at the bottom of the page, small enough that he'd overlooked it on his first readthrough. He suddenly realized why the file was still in use. The initial report had been filed by one "Detective Saihara."
Warmth flooded back into the world, uncomfortably bright in the light of this new revelation. Of course Shuichi had had a family. He'd been off playing house somewhere, having a great time, and he'd never even considered the people he would have left behind. They must have been close, too, judging by how well he knew the police station. He'd probably come to visit countless times.
There were people who had cared about him, people who loved him and mourned him and kept revisiting his case long after it was likely to yield useful information, and he hadn't spared them a second thought. Even now, he couldn't remember how he was related to this Detective Saihara.
What was wrong with him? How could he be this selfish without even realizing it? He couldn't claim to have forgotten that most people had families.
The folder fell through his fingers. The sound of it hitting the ground seemed deafening in the silence, and he cringed. That was definitely going to show up on the security footage. His only hope was that they didn't watch it very closely.
He bent over to pick up the folder, ready to erase the evidence of his presence, only to pass through it. It took him three tries to muster the focus to become tangible again. Just another way he was a failure as a person, he supposed. He put it back in its box mindlessly, still consumed with self-loathing. How many friends had he abandoned without a second thought?
He still couldn't forget the sight of his own corpse. It kept flashing through his mind, reminding him that he hadn't even come for information about the people who cared about him. He'd only wanted to fulfill his selfish curiosity. Well, now he knew that he'd been stabbed to death in a shower. Amazing.
He shouldn't have come here. There was no point in being obsessed with the truth, not when the truth caused so much pain and solved nothing. He didn't have enough information to reassure his family, he didn't feel any better for knowing the details of his death, he hadn't gained anything. It would have been better if he'd just left it alone.
He shook his head and headed back out of the station. There was no point in keeping Kaede waiting. He didn't need to make anyone else suffer needlessly.
Kaede was sitting on a bench not far from the park entrance, staring into space. She flinched when he appeared to her. Her hand shot towards her phone. Shuichi noticed distantly that Tenko's number was punched in and ready to dial, but before he could comment, she'd switched the phone off. "How'd it go?" she asked.
Shuichi shrugged. He was already fixated on his newfound flaws. The last thing he needed was to say them out loud. It would only make them more concrete.
Kaede's expression softened. She stood up, stretched, and put her phone in her pocket. "Well, let's go home," she said. "You looked exhausted."
Shuichi nodded. It was selfish, but if he could put off telling her the truth for a little longer, he'd gladly pretend to be tired. It wasn't even a total lie. He felt like he could sleep for the next five years. At least that way, he'd be sure he wasn't hurting anyone else.