Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

Chapter 2

Sarah looked down at her carbonated water with disappointment. "It's not cold."

"What did you expect?" Alana was on edge. She hated enclosed spaces. It wasn't exactly claustrophobia; it was more about the air. It all felt so stuffy, so… unhealthy. She had spent most of her life on the coast, so her lungs didn't really seem to adjust well to dank, musty surroundings.

Sarah was bothered for an entirely different reason. Like Alana, it wasn't about being walled in. As a matter of fact, large open spaces disturbed her, so she normally would have felt right at home. The trouble was not one she liked to admit… she was afraid of the dark. Fortunately, she had become a master at concealing this particular fear; she was, after all, an adult. No matter how much her behavior may indicate otherwise.

The bottle emitted a small hiss as she twisted the lid off, resulting in a furtive 'shhhh!' from Alana. The Fellowship's journey through Moria seemed to be taking a grand total of one day, and they were following at a safe distance behind the others. "Time… Distortion…Mark… Two," Alana was heard to mutter as she made a note in her notebook.

"At least this Sue isn't too bad," Sarah murmured. Alana nodded in agreement.

"Although you've got to admit, almost any Sue is going to look good in comparison after that Rose/Kat."

"No kidding."

Nonetheless, Menkaure was a Mary-Sue, in the flesh.

He felt her squeeze his hand, and in return squeezed hers. She looked at him with a loving expression. One that could be described between two lovers.

Sarah mimed throwing up. Alana decided not to show her the description of Legolas's bit of lusting after the Mary-Sue's beauty. She was quickly growing sick of the conviction of Suethors that elves were, for lack of a better word, shallow. Being pretty did not make you shallow, no matter how much most cheerleaders might indicate otherwise.

The assassins patiently waited outside the barricaded door in order to join the orks which were about to swarm the Fellowship. Apparently, orcs no longer dwelt in Moria. Sarah shot a questioning glance at her partner, who put a finger to her lips. Giving up any attempt to understand what Alana was on about, she close her eyes and counted mini-Balrogs jumping over a mini-abyss.

"They don't need your super-powers to protect them bitch."

"Ten mini-Balrogs, eleven mini-Balrogs..."

There was a loud noise as the door was smashed in.

Sarah paused to say, "Charge her for creating a new species. Not only are they orks, but their skin's… dead. And what's wrong with their teeth?"

"They're rooting out of their heads."

"Rooting?!"

"Rooting." And with a fierce gleam in her eye, Alana drew her battle axe and entered the throng. Sarah, after giving her partner's back a perplexed look, shrugged her shoulders, downed a swig of the bubbly water, and followed.

Battle is scarcely less dangerous if the participants cannot see you. Of course, this wasn't a proper battle, but that didn't make the swinging weapons any less sharp, or the lumbering trolls weigh less should they care to step on you. Sarah was not exactly a coward, but she didn't see any sense in getting killed just to… what was Alana up to anyway? She wasn't killing anything, or anyone. Deciding that being a pansy wasn't such a bad idea, she settled herself out of sight of the Mary-Sue, who would notice that she was the only orc… goblin… whatever… alive once the others were dead, and munched some popcorn.

Meanwhile, Alana was being far more productive. The Mary-Sue had her precious Leggykins to protect her, but until she was pointed out, precious Leggykins wouldn't notice the assassin. And until then, she had time to work some mischief.

Menkaure had retreated to the other side of the room. Alana didn't have time to check what she was up to, but was relieved to see that she had abandoned her things. Swiftly, she snapped on a pair of latex gloves she had thought to bring and retrieved a vial from her pocket. She unscrewed the lid and poured the contents into the Mary-Sue's bag. And smiled.

Raise your hand if you have ever seen an orc, wearing white rubber surgical gloves, give a grin that can only be described as maniacal.

Although the quantity of the water was very small, Menkaure formed a small tidal wave from the ground itself. She waved her arms in circular motion in front of her, the water forming a small wave. When there was enough water to take out her enemy, she pushed with such great force, that even the ground shook. In an instant, the enemy was taken down, all the filth that entered the room crushed beneath the water's pressure, was washed away.

Alana swore as she saw the Mary-Sue doing her arm flapping routine. She should have seen this coming. She couldn't abandon her partner, because Sarah didn't have the Remote Activator. She reached into her bag and pulled out her 'real elvish rope' that she had filched long ago from Lothlorien. She looped it around a rock and tied a rolling hitch knot (God bless her brother's years of Boy Scouts). Fastening it to her waist, she turned to face the oncoming wave.

Sarah saw the tidal wave just as well as Alana had. Unlike Alana, her body did not react as though it had a mind of its own, and so it was a good thing that she was remarkably close to Aragorn. Reasoning that the Mary-Sue wouldn't wash away the Fellowship, she edged next to him. And resisted the urge to take the opportunity to ogle, no matter how tempting it may be. She closed her eyes and waited for the rush of water. It didn't come.

What happened next was rather surreal. Alana, who had grown up with the ocean and, although she was nothing special, was a more than capable surfer, did exactly what one should do when facing rough surf. She sprang forward and dove into the wave. As it turned out, this wasn't really necessary. Despite all of the taking down the enemy, there was no mention of the wave touching them. And since none of the Fellowship had been touched, the Gods of fanfiction had evidently taken matters into their own hands. All of the filth was gone, that much was certain. In fact, the room was sparkling clean. Every speck of dirt had been washed away. And then, when the story stated that all the negative energy that she received upon leaving Rivendell was washed away like the orcs were, the orcs (which were no longer orks), disappeared. Sometimes the results of these fanfictions translating into reality were just weird.

Alana picked herself up and rubbed her head, creeping behind a rock as the Fellowship ran past. Despite the part where she wasn't dead, the water hadn't been merciful. She grimaced as she brought her hand away and looked at it. Blood.

"Alana!"

She turned to see Sarah running toward her, looking concerned. "You gonna be ok?"

"Fine." Despite this, it hurt like hell. Sarah, who had practically grown up in her father's hospital, quickly saw through this bluff.

"Bullshit. We've got to disinfect it."

"No, we really don't. No time."

"Don't be daft," Sarah snapped. She had the tendency to make a point of not disagreeing with the older assassin, since she was more than a little scared of being on her bad side. But she knew from experience that people could be stupid when they were sick or injured. And it was moments such as these which brought out her maternal side (bred from being twelve years her sister's senior). She rummaged in her bag for a moment, emerging with First Aid Kit in hand. Alana shook her head forcefully, and then winced.

"Leave me alone. I'm fine." Sarah chose to ignore this. Instead, she settled for tugging Alana into a seated position on Balin's tomb.

"Am I going to have to sit on you?"

Their eyes met, and Alana glared. Sarah glared right back, although hers held a far more friendly feel to it. Eventually, Alana dropped her gaze. It was entirely plausible that this was the first time she had allowed herself to lose in a battle of will. Sarah didn't bother rubbing it in (as she would have done otherwise), and soon busied herself with bottled water, Betadine, and bandages.

"So what happened anyway?"

"How was I supposed to know the wave wouldn't hurt me? Dove into- damn, that hurt!- it. I think I hit my head on a rock– ow!- or something," Alana mumbled, closing her eyes.

"We're lucky you didn't get it worse."

"We?"

"Yes, we. Not only are you my mate, but I'd hate to have to finish this mission by myself. Especially without you to make your snide comments," Sarah said seriously.

Alana opened her mouth, and then closed it, unsure whether she had been complimented or insulted. Then she swore violently. "What are you pouring on my head, acid?"

"I'm not even going to answer that question. What's up next, portalling to Lothlorien?"

Alana frowned and squinted at the words. "Yeah. Ironically, she almost drowns while bathing because of sheer stupidity. Apparently, she can't Bend water when she's cold. We'll get her then."

"Have you thought of how we're going to kill her?"

"I have."

She needed some one who was wise, who would show her the way out of this bottomless hole that she had begun to dig for herself. The other members didn't understand, they didn't know what it felt like to be utterly alone. When this journey was over, if they were successful, at least they had homes and families to go back to. At least they knew that there were people waiting their return.

"Poor baby. She's only on a quest that she volunteered for and most fangirls would die to go on." The assassins were lazily sitting by the stream of 'freezing water' which ran through Lothlorien, awaiting their Sue's arrival. Sarah had taken the opportunity to get a much-needed bath, seeing as she was still filthy from their last mission, and was now sprawled out in a patch of sun to dry. The water was cold.

"Does she ever actually stop whinging?"

"Let's see… no. And she throws up from eating a corner of lembas bread."

Sarah abruptly sat up. "You've got to be kidding." At that moment, Princess arrived for her bath.

She dunked her head in the freezing water, running her hands through her hair as she did so. Resurfacing, the cold air blasting on her made her yelp.

Sarah frowned. "It doesn't feel cold to me out here. Pleasantly warm I'd say." Alana shrugged.

"Well, I guess the air feels cold once you get out of cold water. Still, it's a stretch."

"Why's she refusing to take her clothes off? Skinny dipping is fun."

"You are so weird."

Tying her sash to a low branch that hung over her, she resumed bathing. Just as she was about to get out, her sash came undone and the current pushed her away from the small rocks that made up the shore of the stream.

The assassins sprang from their position behind some nearby trees, and sprinted after her along the shore. Apparently, despite her lungs filling with water, she could still yell.

"Go get her!"

"You get her!"

"I just dried off. For Eru's sake, stop being a pansy."

This continued for a few moments, when the assassins realised that the Mary-Sue was drifting away. Defeated, Sarah waded in after her and covered her mouth with a swift movement. Dragging her onto shore, Sarah sat down with a thump, gasping from the cold.

"You want to charge her, or should I?"

"I-I ccccan bbarrrely…"

"Ok. Menkaure, First and foremost, you are charged with being a Mary-Sue. This includes, but is not limited to, flashing serenity, hope, and beauty eyes… I know it doesn't make sense, which is the problem. It pisses me off. Also, being picked on for your beautiful looks (which aren't like anyone else in the family apparently, despite you having two identical sisters) by your cousins, being an expert at the samurai sword at the age of 18, being a Water Bender- couldn't you at least be a little more creative with your super power?- having some healing water in you that doesn't even make sense- Sarah, dunk her in the water, she's coming round properly and I don't want to be hit by a tidal wave- , joining the Fellowship for no reason… nine! Not ten! Can't forget your little God guarding you, or whatever the hell it is…oh, and forcing Legolas to fall in love with you, despite barely knowing you. Other charges are mainly two accounts of time distortion, the invention of a new species (orks), and the inability to figure out if you're Egyptian, or Japanese, or what. Admittedly, your powers are flawed and have limits, but it doesn't make up for everything else. Although I do thank you for the decent grammar. Still, Sarah's going to kill you now. Any last words?"

"I desire to live! I want to learn-"

She was abruptly cut off by a swift dagger to the heart. Sarah gave a satisfied smile.

"The dagger does have poison doesn't it?"

"Of course. Let her heal the wound all she wants. Won't do a damned thing." With a cheerful whistle, Sarah swung the unconscious (and soon to be dead) Sue over her shoulder. Alana opened a portal and stepped through.

"It's dark! Where the hell are we?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know. Drop the Sue, and let's go." Sarah had learned long ago that it was best not to question orders in the face of the unknown, and quickly complied. Another portal opened, this one leading to Rivendell.

"One word: Ungoliant," Alana said in response to Sarah's questioning look once they were through.

"Ah. Look, it's the Bending Sisters!"

The assassins stepped directly in their path, arms raised in a non-threatening gesture. After all, there were still super-elemental powers to be dealt with. Unsurprisingly, the two girls looked alarmed. One is generally not confronted by goblins in Rivendell. They lifted their own arms, but given what Menkaure had been able to do, this was not exactly comforting.

"We come in peace, with a message!" exclaimed Sarah grandly. "Or rather, an offer."

The sisters regarded the ugly creatures in front of them suspiciously. "What do you want?" snapped Miya.

"You don't belong here," Sarah explained. "We're supposed to kill you. But we don't really have much in the way of a charge list. And you didn't stick your noses where they don't belong like your sister did. So we'd like to offer you a job."

"What sort of job?"

"You'll find out," Sarah said cheerfully. Alana didn't bother saying anything. She had never been very good at the whole 'friendly' thing. "Right now, it's that or die. And trust me; the job's a better option. You'll get to travel, have passably edible food…"

"How can we trust someone that looks like you?" demanded Miya. Sarah gave a non-committal shrug.

"You don't have to. Although if it helps, these are just disguises."

The sisters spoke amongst themselves, and then nodded. "If you can offer us proof that-" Maharet began, but was interrupted by a cheerful, "Great!" from Sarah. Before they had any idea what was going on, they were shoved through a portal into PPC HQ. Somewhere, a warg growled at the intruders. And for a split second, all was peaceful in the Lord of the Rings Continuum.

The Author's Note: We've got recruits! Of course, they're virtual, but it does mean a pay raise from Upstairs. This one wasn't really so terrible, but Menkaure annoyed me. Sorry for the delay, but final exams led to being sick and miserable, and then I had no internet for a while. I probably should also take this opportunity to apologise for the writing quality in this chapter. Most of it was written somewhere around midnight several days in a row. /excuses Reviews are greatly appreciated (they make me happy), and feel free to suggest any Lord of the Rings Mary Sues that are begging to be killed.