Hermione was lingering in the farthest corner of the Great Hall watching her classmates saunter around, laughing and letting out screams of giddy mirth as hired actors leapt out at them, as if from no where, dressed as ghouls and hags. It had been a sign of how shaken up she was when a particularly enthusiastic man dressed as Dracula sprung out from beneath a table to surprise her and she had very nearly burst into tears.
She couldn't seem to breath properly, her breaths were shallow and uneven, her heart was racing at a million miles per hour and her whole body was shaking with a feeling of impending doom. This was it. This was the night he'd been waiting for. The snake pendant felt heavy and hot against her chest as if it would burn its way through her flesh and scar her. She wanted desperately to rip it off and throw it away but she knew it would only make things worse. In all her life Hermione had never felt this frightened, no matter how many death eaters had been trying to kill her or how big the dragon about to eat Harry was… She'd never felt so helpless. She knew why of course; before she'd always had her friends by her side. She trusted Harry to be OK against a dragon because Harry was strong and brave. Harry was a survivor. Hermione wasn't sure she could survive this. This was her Hungarian Horntail only she didn't have a broom or mediwizards waiting in the wings.
Then he entered the hall. At the sight of his platinum hair Hermione felt her shoulders cave, she shrunk into herself and retreated even further into the corner until her back was pressed securely against the imprisoning wall of the hall. Her mind was blank apart from the fear and the desperate hope that Ron and Harry were still in Gryffindor tower waiting for her to come down from her dormitory. Hopefully they'd wait all night...
He was looking for her. His icy eyes were roaming the hall; narrowed over his pointed nose as he stalked her. Like a vulture he sensed that Hermione was no longer strong enough to put up a decent fight. She'd been beaten down until she was no more than a carcass in the desert, food for the birds. Or the snakes.
She lowered her eyes then closed them. She'd done this as a child playing hide and seek, the childish idea that if she couldn't see him then he couldn't see her. So she shut her eyes tight and prayed to anyone or anything that would listen to take her away. But the noises of the hall didn't fade, the castle wall was just as hard and she opened her eyes to look directly into his. It was the look in his eyes that caused tears to fall from hers. He was so empty, so emotionless. He didn't look hateful or sneering, proud or triumphant. He looked blank. Her humiliation didn't mean anything to him really, it was just a game he'd played and now he had won. It was as simple as that. She'd seen dolls eyes with more passion.
He continued staring at her with his cruelly empty expression firmly in place then he crooked a finger indicating that she should go to him. She tried to stop crying. She tried to be strong and brave. She tried to be just like her friends and face her fear like a true Gryffindor but her eyes weren't listening to her mind and neither was her shiver wracked frame. She drew herself up to her full height and raised her chin defiantly as she walked to him but tears were still falling rapidly, her lip was still trembling in fright. People began to notice her. A few tried to ask if she was OK but she ignored them. She had to go to him. It was part of the deal.
It wasn't like in the movies, or in the story books, as she approached him the crowds didn't part, the noise didn't fade, no one really noticed anything out of the ordinary was happening. It was her own personal pain, her lonely fear. She took her final trembling steps to stand before him and raised her chin yet higher staring straight into his cool, beautiful eyes. The coldness in his eyes didn't waver as his lips slipped into a slight smile, "I've changed my mind," He said softly so that only she could hear, "Not tonight… I'd rather relax and enjoy the party. Maybe another time and for gods sake pull yourself together Granger," Then, still smiling wickedly, he sauntered off to his cronies and scooped Pansy Parkinson's hand up in his. Hermione stood perfectly still where he had left her feeling a million emotions course through her veins until all she was left with was hate. With a violent motion she ripped the snake pendant from her neck, the silver chain cut her neck but she didn't care, she flung it to the ground and fled the hall feeling bitterly disappointed and used. She'd thought it was all over, it was horrible but she thought the fear of discovery would be over now. But now she was still living under the weight of their secret and that had been his plan. He had made her think there was an ending in sight and now he had snatched that away again. He had found a way to make her life even more unbearable.
She needed to be alone, far from his smug, pointed face. She needed to go somewhere private and scream out her frustrations until she was ready to pretend to smile again. So she by-passed the stairs in the entrance hall and headed straight for the exit, her shoes made terrified little clatters on the stone floors as she made her escape.
The night was bitterly cold but Hermione barely registered it. The icy air actually felt nice against her tears, it was as if the weather was natures way of telling her it understood her agony. Her heels were relentlessly sinking into the moist grass and she removed them, feeling the cool, wet grass and mud through her tights. With her shoes off she felt an exhilaration, an expectation, race through her veins and she began to run. She ran faster than she ever had before, mud splashed up her legs, her perfect curls fell out and began a mess but she didn't care. She only stopped when she reached the edge of the lake. The night had made the lake black and uninviting, it was a starless night and unusually silent. Hermione's scream tore from her throat like something animalistic, something wild and separate from her body.
"I always knew you Gryffindors were crazy." Hermione stopped screaming immediately and turned to the slightly accented voice. A tall girl was leaning against the large oak tree which Hermione, Harry and Ron often spent sunny days lounging under. She didn't seem dressed for the Halloween ball in her winter cloak, bobbled hat and thick green scarf. There was a cigarette burning casually in her gloved hand.
Feeling slightly embarrassed Hermione fought a blush and sniffed, "Smoking is against school rules,"
The girl shrugged and took a long, haughty, draught of her cigarette, "I won't tell if you don't,"
"I'm head girl-,"
"I know, Hermione, right?" She pushed herself off the tree and threw her cigarette into the blackness of the lake were it disappeared instantly. When Hermione nodded she continued, "I'm Emily, Emily De Luca."
Hermione frowned thoughtfully; she had heard that name before but the girl wasn't at all familiar. "I'm in Slytherin," Emily continued tugging at her green scarf for emphasis, "And a sixth year,"
"Oh, I-,"
"It's fine you don't know me. I prefer it that way," Emily wandered straight to the edge of the lake so that the water was but inches from the toes of her boots. She reached into the pocket of her cloak and took out another cigarette which she lit with a wave of her wand, "Why were you screaming?"
"I- That's none of your business- Put that out!"
Emily made a face and continued smoking, "No." After a few thoughtful puffs she turned back to Hermione, "I come out here to think but you're the only person who comes here to yell." When Hermione didn't reply she continued, "I came here from my school in Italy last year, I was automatically put in Slytherin and since then I've been very alone, you know? People in that house don't want to be friends, they want to be allies. My old school wasn't a boarding school and we all just got taught together, that was better. I hate it here. There are so many stupid rules and stupid people. I don't know why half of the Hufflepuffs are allowed to live never mind be taught, you Gryffindors are just as bad with your self-righteous bullshit and the Ravenclaws make me sick. The only people I can stand are the Slytherins and they're the worst of all because they're so mutinous. Sometimes I have dreams about dying and I look forward to them." Hermione stared at her slightly open mouthed and Emily smiled bitterly, "Now, why were you screaming?"
Then completely unbeknownst to why she was doing it Hermione began to talk, "I've got myself into the most horrible situation I can imagine. I'm a horrible person and there's no way to fix things." She collapsed to sit on the frozen grass were she shivered as she spoke, staring blankly at the dark water, "I thought I loved Ron… I did love him. I do love him but I'm not in love with him… I thought I was… I really did but I'm not and… no matter how hard I try… Over the summer we practically spent every moment with each other and I began to feel trapped… But nothing ever happened that could excuse me if I just broke it off… Everyone just thinks we're meant to be that it'll work out and I don't want it to! I mean I do but I don't… I don't want to marry him! I don't want to be his wife! The mother of his children! But it felt like that was what was going to happen… Maybe not for ten years, maybe not for fifteen but eventually. I'd gotten myself onto a ride that didn't stop until I was seventy and sitting on a rocking chair next to Ron looking at pictures of our grandchildren in the burrow." She shivered rather violently and Emily removed her cloak, revealing a padded jacket, and draped the cloak over the talking girl, "Then we came back to school and I kept trying to get some alone time, off at the library and that's when he started… started playing his game I suppose. I'd always hated him, I still hate him but he presented the complete opposite to Ron. He didn't want me forever, he barely wanted me then and I know it's crazy but for some mad reason that was appealing," She tugged the cloak around her shoulders as fresh tears began to slip down her face, "I ignored him, of course. When he would follow me into the restricted section of the library and say things I always told him to leave me alone or I'd report him… When he forced me into empty classrooms I'd pull my wand and threaten him but he never cared, he'd just smirk at me as if it was funny." Hermione sighed shakily and continued talking to the lake, "Then near the end of September Ron mentioned getting engaged- it was crazy we've only been dating a few months! But when he said it I could barely breath. I smiled at him and said I needed to go and I went straight to the library… I didn't realise at the time but now I look back I was probably looking for him and he was there with that smirk on his face… He started saying stuff again and this time I didn't tell him to go away. We left the library and he took out a pair of earrings, he told me he'd got them for me and wanted me to wear them. I put them on and then we…" She trailed off and for the first time since she started talking glanced up at the stranger Emily's sympathetic face.
"Shagged?" Emily filled in in her accented voice, the word sounded obscene but Hermione nodded slowly looking deeply ashamed.
"Right there in the corridor where anyone could have seen. I wanted to go somewhere private but he said no, he said that he couldn't wait," Hermione looked horrified as she reflected on what had happened, she felt sick right to her core, "Afterwards I felt dirty. I'd never felt so horrible. He buttoned himself up and left me standing in that corridor wearing his filthy earrings." She wiped her tear flooded cheeks but it was in vain, "I felt so guilty… I went back to Gryffindor tower and Ron was there, he knew something was wrong and he was so sweet… He told me he loved me, that he hadn't meant to scare me with mentioning marriage and he looked so terrified… We made love for the first time that night and all the time I was wearing the earrings. Ron was a virgin and I was supposed to be too… But of course I'd thrown that away less than an hour before." She stopped talking. Emily had started on a fresh cigarette and sat down beside her new friend.
She took a long drag then shrugged, "So you cheated? Big deal. Everyone does it-,"
"You don't understand," Hermione practically wailed, "I didn't stop! Things got even more intense with Ron and almost every night I ended up with him. He started sending me things, clothes, jewellery… I kept it all, most of the jewellery is hidden but now Pavati is noticing… Then a week ago we were in the North Tower…" Hermione shuddered as she remembered and Emily nodded in encouragement, "He'd never been gentle but that night he was horrible, I was in nothing but pain and he didn't care. I still have bruises on my legs and my back, the back of my head actually started to bleed it had been slammed against the wall so hard. I decided then that it had to end, it was self-destructive. I was just going to have to break it off with Ron and end it with him… I was spiralling out of control and the reason for it wasn't nearly valid enough…"
"Then?"
"Then… I don't know how I could have been so stupid," She began to sob but refused Emily's offer of a cigarette, "The sex ended and he said sorry. He said he hadn't meant to hurt me but sometimes I made him so mad… I didn't understand- I asked him what I'd done. I wasn't even completely sure why I cared so much. He said that he hated how much I used him. He said that I made him feel used and dirty, that he felt like a horrid little secret that I was ashamed of. I felt horrible, I didn't know what to say and I cared far more than I should have. I told him I was sorry, we had sex again and this time it was gentler then afterwards he told me he didn't want to see me anymore… I was shocked, I'd been planning to do the same thing twenty minutes before but now the thought of not seeing him anymore terrified me. I begged him, begged him not to leave me and then he told me if he was going to stay I had to prove how much I loved him. That was the first time he ever used the word love." She lowered her eyes and spoke in lower tones, "I wasn't in love with him but I was addicted. I said I'd do anything. I can't believe I fell for it… I can't believe I did something so stupid-,"
"What did you do?"
"He took pictures of me." Her voice was barely a whisper, "I should have wondered why he had a camera with him but I was so desperate not to loose him…" She looked pleadingly at Emily, begging her to understand, "Horrible pictures, naked pictures." Her lips were beginning to turn a pale blue from the chill but she continued confessing her sins, trying to cleanse herself, "He said that doing that would prove I loved him… Then, of course, once he had the pictures I was his really. He started demanding things, using the pictures as blackmail and then last night he told me I had to go to the ball with him, I had to be his date and if needs be tell Ron I hated him. He said if I did that he'd give me the pictures… So tonight I went to the ball with intentions of publicly betraying my boyfriend, the man who loves me, to save my own dignity… I was relieved in a way that everything could come out and end but then he changed his mind. He said he wanted to relax tonight… And that's why I'm here screaming."
After a moments silence Emily stubbed out her cigarette and exhaled a large breath of smoke, "You've got yourself quite a predicament it would appear," To Hermione's surprise the Italian didn't light up again but rather she stood up, "Come on, you're going to freeze. We'll go to the Kitchens and get you something to warm your belly. Sleep on it, everything will seem better in the morning." There was no judgement in her voice or expression. She held out a hand and helped Hermione to her feet which were still shoeless and practically numb with cold.
"It won't be better in the morning," Hermione sighed minutely grateful that her tears had dried.
"Then we'll make it better," Emily told her in a firm voice that made Hermione laugh a little.
"I feel so silly, I don't know anything about you and here I am telling you things I wouldn't even write in my journal,"
"Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger," Emily smiled a smile full of genuine warmth.
"How come you don't think I'm horrible?"
"Because you aren't horrible. We all do bad things Hermione."
"What bad things have you done?"
"One problem at a time."
A/N hey ok so please review. I would like to ask you guys to Ignore the last few chapters of THBP when you read this. I started planning this story (literally) years ago and can't be bothered fixing all the errors THBP will cause in its plot. Thankfully the Ron and Lavender thing worked out but Dumbledore will not be dead and that whole Draco, Snape, Dumbledore thing will not have happened. Sorry for any confusion!