Her mind flooded with thoughts, Barbara only managed to sleep for an hour or so at a time, unable to fight the medication. Initially, pain would waken her bringing her immediately to the realization that she'd made, perhaps, a bad judgment on the amount of time she allowed the transponder to be her legs. Though she always knew everything was temporary when she used the transponder, it was still painful coming back to the realization that she was physically, the lesser of the superhero team. All day it was the same, pain, realization, then thoughts of Wade. These were the worst, the most painful. His family must be wondering what happened to him. Surely by now, they know he's dead or they are at least looking for him.
"Miss Barbara?" Alfred tapped lightly on the door before entering.
"It's fine Alfred. I'm awake."
"How are you feeling?" He set down the tea tray and reached down pushing Barbara's bangs off her forehead, a display of physical affection he reserved for only the most severe situations.
"I'm sorry Alfred….I didn't…"
"Shhhh. What can I do for you Miss Barbara?"
"Ummm…I need to…I can't…Could you…"
"You'd maybe like some help into your chair so you can…"
"I won't get in that chair, not now, not ever! Help me to the bathroom please."
"Yes Miss Barbara." Alfred bent down and helped put Barbara's arm around his neck, then lifted her into his arms. He began toward the bathroom passing by the wheelchair and typical of Alfred, decided to be proactive despite the consequences. They proceeded toward the bathroom where he helped her, remembering back years ago when she first learned of her paralysis. Then too, she went through a period of refusing to use the wheelchair, preferring to lie in bed all day, periodically inputting data into her computer. As they passed back by the chair, Alfred made his move. He turned around and placed her in the wheelchair.
"Alfred! Don't even think about it." She was helpless to fight back. A feeling Alfred hoped would be an added incentive for her to improve her current status.
Alfred bent down and secured her legs on the rest and reached around back of her pulling a strap around securing her now weakened muscles. "Miss Barbara? In the words of Miss Helena, 'Get over yourself!'" Smugly folding his arms, he left the room.
"Alfred!" She was crying now. It broke Alfred's heart, but he knew it was for the best. That's what I get for having a teenager and a smart-assed 25 year-old around. He sounds just like her. She sat fuming, unable to do anything about it. As she looked to her bed, it wasn't that far. She used all the strength she could muster in her shoulders to lift her hands, one at a time, onto the rims of the chair. Her stomach turned at how pathetic and helpless she was at that very moment. Still, the fact that she could feel the muscles in her stomach helping to propel her every-so-slowly forward, gave her the slightest bit of hope. Hope she'd keep from the others and from herself for days to come. Hope that was all but crushed as she reached her destination and determined it would be impossible to transfer herself into the bed. She could feel that her right arm was stronger, so she used it steady herself as she moved her left arm into place and reached down to move her feet from the chair. Here goes nothing! She reached for a steady spot on the bed, but felt her arm give out beneath the pressure. The chair flew out from under her, also giving way to the pressure. The one thing she was capable of doing, she'd discovered in the last day or two, was cry and as she lay on the floor, she sobbed.
Watching just outside the door, Alfred allowed the tears to flow before coming to her rescue. Before he determined she had cried long enough, he heard company.
"Alfred?" Helena bounded up the stairs to find him peering into Barbara's room. "She still…"
"It's your turn."
"What's that mean?"
"Well, frankly, I'm a little afraid to go in. I took matters into my own hands again."
"Alfred, you've been hanging around me too long. I'm corrupting you. What's the…" She pushed the door open and saw Barbara lying on the floor beside the wheelchair. "Barbara!"
Alfred knew they'd find their way, so he closed the door.
"Helena leave me…"
"Shut up Barbara! I'm not leaving you here and I'm firing Alfred!"
"Good! Urgg.."
"I'm sorry." Helena felt Barbara wince as she gathered her from the floor. Placing her on the bed, she helped her sit up against the pillow and noticed that Barbara used her right arm to scoot into place. "So, you decided to give the chair a shot after all?"
"Shut up Helena! I had to go to the …. Alfred just put me in it. I tried to get into bed…."
"You know something Barbara? You're not invincible. You've taught me more physically and otherwise than anyone I know, but you're not invincible. There are limitations and from time to time, we all get hurt…"
"Yah, but everyone else gets better. I will never be what I used to be Helena!"
"Since when did that stop you? This isn't going to help you. You were hurt last night. That's all. You need to rest and recover, so you can help us."
"You don't get it Helena. You can't begin to understand."
The silence they were getting used to, filled the room before Helena finally ended it. "Yah, you're right. I didn't lose anything. I didn't betray my best friend, get the man she loved killed, and then watch her fall helplessly to the floor. I didn't watch the pain I caused her fall from her eyes in tears. I didn't carry her lifeless body into her room only to watch her lie in more pain. You're right. I don't understand. You know what? The only thing I don't understand is you!" Helena put another pillow at Barbara's side to steady her then stormed out of the room.
Why did it always take a disaster to bring out their true feelings? How could two people spend so much time together and care so much and show it so little. They needed each other now more than ever, but someone would have to give.
"Miss Helena?"
"Save it Alfred. She's impossible. Why does she always get to be the one giving help? Why are we always looking to her? Why won't she let me help her?"
Alfred went to pour two cups of tea, but judged the situation and thought better of it. Instead, he pulled out two small glasses from the cupboard and filled them with ice. He finished them off with a smooth fount of vodka. "You weren't around when Miss Barbara first found out about her legs. Of course it was hard, but for her, it was more like failure than loss. She wasn't mourning a loss; she was beating herself up for failing. It's her way Helena. If it were you…"
"If it were me, I'd kill myself! I'd get really pissed off and make matters worse. But Barbara is better than I am. She's stronger. She overcame her disabilities. We need her. She's the foundation." She finished off her drink and stood up.
"Have you shared that with her?"
"Sort of. But I keep getting angry. I'm not the pep talk type…"
"And Miss Barbara knows that. Have you told her about the disc?"
"No…Reese has someone working on it. He's coming over later for dinner, we'll see what he's got, and then we'll tell her. I need some fresh air. I'll be back for dinner. Thanks for the drink Alfred."
"Certainly." As always, Alfred was left to deal with things on his own, and his track record, at least for the last couple of days, wasn't good.
"We've still a couple hours of good sunlight. Let's get some in here." Alfred dropped a tray off at Barbara's bedside then followed by drawing the curtains open.
She winced at the first sign of light. "Alfred why are you doing this?"
"You need some sunlight and I thought better of trying to put you in the chair again and get you out on the balcony where you should be."
Barbara grimaced at Alfred's double talk then looking out the window at the clear blue sky, she relented. "Thank you Alfred. Do you think I could just sit for a while on the chaise?" She reached slowly down toward the cup of water and medicine on the tray beside her bed.
Alfred watched. "Shall I…"
"Sorry. I just can't steady my hand enough. Thank you."
Alfred walked over and administered the medicine. "O.k. On 3 Miss Barbara." He placed her arm around his neck and supported her knees and back in his arms. "1…2…"
Barbara turned her head away trying to ignore the situation. Once on the chaise, she steadied herself and closed her eyes. "Thanks again Alfred."
"Not at all Miss Barbara. This morning, Miss Dinah was searching for the keys to the truck. She and Miss Helena are trying their best to establish some order in this mess. Anyhow, she found your jacket from last night and in it, the keys to the truck and a small mirrored disc. I believe she mentioned your fighting with Helena and using the disc to reverse the hypnosis. Was it wise for you to fight Miss…"
"It was a calculated risk Alfred. I had to get close enough to her to shoot the reflection into her eyes directly. What are they…never mind…it doesn't matter." She found herself trying to sit up in the heat of the discussion. Wanting, instead, to wallow in her depression, she relaxed her body.
"They gave it to Reese. He is having one of his men look at it to try and use it to break the city's hypnosis." Alfred sat on a chair beside Barbara.
"Good for him. I told them they didn't need me." Her jaw clinched and she breathed out heavily trying to control her mood.
"You know that is not true. You know Reese will be unable to duplicate your work on that large a scale, the computers are in shambles, the girls, Helena needs you…"
"Stop! That's enough. I told you. I'm finished. We are all finished. What's the use anyhow?"
Alfred stood up and began tidying up the room, unable to sit idly any longer. "Well, for starters, someone needs to stop this madness." He peered out the window to catch a glimpse of some looting stragglers.
Barbara was quiet. Her eyes closed.
"Will you be needing anything else?"
There was no answer.
"Very well, I'll be back in to help you to bed. Dr. Tompkins will be by later with some more specific information about the tests." He walked slowly toward the door, knowing Barbara well enough to know he had struck a chord and she might have something to say.
"There comes a time Alfred, when one needs to come to the realization that they are what they are. Even if that means they will never measure up to the rest of society."
Alfred stopped just short of the door so that Barbara knew he was listening. "You've contributed so much both as Oracle and as Barbara Gordon school teacher."
"It's all a cover up. Underneath all the computers and Shakespeare, I'm just a cripple trying to fit in like I'm not." Her voice was stoic, unfeeling.
"Miss Bar…"
"The other night, when I went out with…Wade's… parents, Dinah called in an emergency, so I left the table and pretended to go to the bathroom. When I came back, I stopped to maneuver around the corner and overheard Wade's parents telling him I wasn't good enough for him because I didn't have legs that work. Even before I left, it was all his mother could do to make eye contact with me. You know? The old, fill the space with talking nonsense and eating so you don't have to have a real conversation with the disabled person gig? That's what it all comes down to. I was never good enough and now who's… who's going to…" She pulled her hand up to her eyes and began to cry.
"Shhhh." Alfred hurried to her side.
Between tears and halted breaths, Barbara choked out, "Someone has to call them. It should be me. But what will I tell them? Did they even recover his…body? There can't even be a funeral in all this…"
"Maybe that's the reason for you to work on getting up and back to work…"
"Don't Alfred. I expect more from you than subterfuge. I'd like to go back to bed please."
Alfred spoke no further. He just scooped her up into his arms and laid her, once again, atop the bed and left the room.