Chapter 11

--

Miranda left to make a few phone calls. When she came back, Addison was out of bed completely, colour almost normal again. They were looking at something she had in her hands, and both of them were giggling.

"Well, this is nice," she said.

"Miranda!" Addison looked up, a familiar spark in her eyes. "Did you know that Karev has Britney Spears on his ipod?"

"Oh ho. Is that so?"

"Yeah. It's like, his dirty little secret. He likes chick music. I should probably feel guilty about outing him but hey, I've had a bad day, so I deserve a little slack."

"Uh huh."

"Seriously, like a quarter of his ipod drive is grunge, metal and punk, and a quarter of it is generic indie, and another quarter of it? Tweeny-pop!"

She raised an eye. "And the last quarter?"

"A John Grisham audiobook, an episode of Battlestar Galactica, and some NPR podcasts."

She couldn't help but join in the giggling. "I could use this, somehow. Nazi that I am, I could use this, couldn't I?"

"Use it?" Callie smirked. "Miranda, we could retire on it. Do you know how much he'd pay to keep this off the street? Bad enough he's slumming with the vagina squad, but he listens to chick music and public radio?"

Addison was shaking her head. "Whew. I needed that."

"Uh huh. So, you ready to check out?"

She sobered again, alarmingly fast. "Oh. Um…"

"Come on. You didn't think we were going to leave you to go it alone tonight, did you?"

"Oh. Um…"

"Just spoke with Tuck. Made arrangements."

"I'm going home with you?"

"No, sweetheart, I'm going home with you. He's meeting me at the hotel, bringing me some stuff. I'll be out early to come back here—can't leave my fool interns alone for long, you know—but Callie's at the same hotel, and she'll bring you in for your session with Dr. Heron. We got you."

"So you keep saying. Miranda, I…"

"Now, don't go tearing up on me again."

"No," she sniffled, dabbing at her eyes. "No, I'm good. I'm good."

--

Tuck was waiting for them in the lobby when they got back to the hotel. He had a shoulder bag draped over one arm, and a baby nestled in the other.

"Little Tuck!" Miranda called. She held out her arms and snatched him for a quick snuggle. "Whosa widdle cutie-wootie? That's right! That's right!"

She managed a quick scowl at Callie and Addison, for appearances sake. "You didn't see that."

"Of course I didn't," Addison smirked. "And Karev has only man-music on his ipod, too. Hey, Little Tuck…" She tickled the baby, and smiled at his playful gurgles. "He's getting so big!"

"That's right! Cause he's a widdle babykins, yes he is! Yes he is! Ooh. I wish you didn't have to take him home just yet, Tuck."

"Why does he?" Addison asked.

"Well…well, he's…"

"We can handle him."

"But…"

"Miranda. Three surgeons, one baby."

"He doesn't need surgeons!"

Well?"

"He doesn't have his stuff!"

"Actually," Tucker interrupted. "He does." He hefted the shoulder bag. "I thought you might want to keep him."

"Diapers?"

"Yes."

"Bottles?"

"Yes."

"That yellow worm with the crinkly stuff in its ear and the bell on its tail? Tuck, you know he can't sleep without that yellow worm."

"It's all there. Plus a change of clothes and a toothbrush for you."

"That huge bag, and that's all the real estate I get in it?"

He grinned. "Did you want me to leave the yellow worm at home? You know, he can't sleep without that yellow worm."

"Tucker Johnson, I love you. Damn. Now I'm gonna cry."

"No!" interrupted Callie. "No more crying. By anyone!"

Tucker handed off the bag, then bowed dramatically. "Ladies. I leave you to your thing. Pleasure seeing you again, Addison."

Little Tuck proved to be just what they needed. They ordered some room service ice cream, and put out a mat for the baby to crawl on. When he finally drifted off, just as his mamma was herself starting to fade, Addison grew serious again.

"Whoa."

Miranda forced herself to alertness. "What? Whoa, what? Addie?"

"My heart is racing. Damn. Damn. Damn."

Callie and Miranda traded glances. "Addison, you have something you want to say to us? Like, maybe some kind of magic phrase?"

"Oh my god, Miranda, I'm freaking out."

"Okay, that'll do it. Any reason?"

"I held it together. Talking to Sydney, that helped, and I held it together. But did I, really? It's only talking, only noise. And this, you, Tuck…"

"Noise too?" Callie guessed.

"Callie, I…"

"No, I get it. It's noise too. But you're still going to have to face that moment of truth when we fade off, one by one, and you're lying there in bed, alone, in the dark, just feeling it. Addison, this is gonna take time."

"What do I do?" She was crying in earnest now, deep, messy sobs. "I don't know what to do…"

Callie moved on to the bed with her, eased her under the blankets, gently tucked her in. "One step at a time, kiddo. Now, look at me. Deep breaths."

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…"

"Now that? That's not a deep breath. Come on, Addie, do it with me."

"I hate this. I hate this."

"Again, that's not how we do it. Look at me. Focus…good girl. Now, inhale…one, two, three…and exhale. There we go. Again."

She struggled through it, fighting through the pain. "Okay. I'm doing it."

"There we go. Now, I'm gonna go back to my room, Ads. I'll be back for you later."

"But…"

"Miranda's going to stay with you. She'll be right here, with Tuck."

"Okay."

"She's going to wait until he's really sleeping, then she's going to turn out the light, okay? And you are going to be just fine."

"I just…I keep thinking…seeing…"

"I know. And wow, do I wish there was a way to turn that off sometimes. Unfortunately, you just have to ride it out. You tell yourself that you're okay, and you take deep breaths until you're sleeping."

She inhaled deeply, still a little wobbly. "Yeah. Okay. Night, Callie."

Miranda waited until the door had closed behind her. Then she said "I've been there too, you know."

"I don't think so. You, the great Miranda Bailey? Meltdown to end all meltdowns?"

"I've been there too," Miranda repeated. "And you were there with me, Addison. Day that Tuck was born."

Exhale, one, two, three. "Oh. Right."

"You think I don't go there sometimes? You think that I don't come home dead tired to a cranky baby and a house that's never clean, and have moments where my heart just stops, thinking how close I came to having to do it alone?"

Inhale, one, two, three. "But that's…Tucker was fine, Miranda."

"You and Derek were fine too, once. It's how I know I need to lean, Addie. When I stop remembering the fine…when my mind goes to that other place…I know I need to lean. So I make sure I have a night clear, I call Tuck's sister to come babysit, and I have some R&R time with my man. That's how I lean. You? You'll learn your own way."

There was silence for a moment. Miranda tried to look up, but she was too tired to move. "Addie?"

"Hmm?"

"Hon, what are you thinking right now?"

"I'm telling myself that I'm okay, and I am breathing in and out."

"Atta girl. Night, hon."

--