CHAPTER 15
As the doors of the elevator opened, Barbara and Helena both stared at Dinah, who was sitting at the counter drinking a soda with Alfred, arms folded and brows furrowed. Neither Helena, nor Barbara had spoken a work all the way home, but both were intent on having words with their youngest charge.
"Look who made it home in one piece", Dinah whispered to Alfred, who watched just as intently as the scene unfolded.
With the last of the juice from her amped-up ensemble, Barbara pushed through the hallway toward Dinah. Turning to Helena, who was slowly following, favoring her left leg she asked, over her shoulder, "Are you o.k. to make it to the gym? I want to make sure your knee and shoulder are checked out." Barbara, despite her anger with Helena, felt a sense of responsibility for her well-being.
"First, Dinah and I are having a few words." Helena limped toward the two smug observers at the counter.
"Guess I can't argue with you there." Barbara too was feeling the pain of Dinah's jolt. In no time, Helena and Barbara were finally on the same page; they let loose on Dinah.
"Real smooth Dinah, you could have really hurt Barbara…"
"You dislocated Helena's shoulder and her knee is…"
"…as if you couldn't tell the transponder was giving out…"
"I was fine Helena!" Barbara yelled, momentarily taking her focus from Dinah. "I was holding my own against you."
"Are you kidding? I was taking it easy on you." Helena laughed through the pain she felt as she turned toward Barbara.
"See, I told you Alfred; children." Dinah whispered as she watched part two of the Helena-Barbara-Death-Match unfold.
"You shouldn't have. You know it's been building toward a fight for some time now Helena. I probably don't even want to know how long."
"Yah, whatever Barbara. You don't need me to hurt you. You are doing a fine job of that all by yourself." With a step toward Barbara to emphasize her point, Helena's knee gave out and she began to fall. Seeing the falter, Barbara gave a calculated push of her chair and caught her. That was only the beginning. As Helena, seeing that her landing spot was to be the lap of her injured friend, she tried to stop her fall and ended up landing at just the right angle to send Barbara's chair toppling over. In seconds, both were women were on the ground; all the while, not eliciting even the slightest response from either Alfred or Dinah. The silence that followed was almost instantaneously interrupted by laughter as Barbara and Helena looked at themselves lying in a tangled mess of hardware and bodies. This sight seemed to be the final straw for Dinah. She blew her hair from her eyes in disgust and grabbed her soda before stepping over a wheel from Barbara's chair and going into her room. Alfred too rolled his eyes and went bout tidying up the kitchen. This made Helena and Barbara laugh even harder. Soon; however, staring at the ceiling, they both sighed and stilled their laughter.
"Are you alright Helena?" Barbara, who had grown accustomed to helping herself up off the floor over the past seven years, pulled herself up and after seeing her chair in pieces, decided to lean back against the nearby wall.
"Yah. I'm fine. Just feeling stupid I guess."
"Welcome to my world!" They let out a few more soft laughs. Helena too sat up, steadied her knee, and moved over beside Barbara against the wall.
"So, now what? Doesn't look like they are speaking to us; let alone planning to help us", Helena noticed as Alfred too left the room without so much as a word.
"Well. Let's see." Barbara reached back and fidgeted with the transponder until it was removed, then flung it out of the way. "Let's see if I can remember how this works." She took a deep breath and pulled herself over and snapped the wheel back onto her chair. After securing the brakes, she backed up and slowly lifted herself into the seat.
"Wow!" Helena smiled.
"Yah. I even hated doing that before. It's always been hard." She placed her feet, one by one, on the footrest. "There. Now, give me your hand and try to keep your weight off your knee so we don't have a repeat performance."
"Barbara? Are you sure…."
"Helena! Your hand!" With a surprisingly steady hand, Barbara was able to help Helena up and steady her down the hallway to the gym.
Once in the gym, Helena sat on a bench and let Barbara ice her knee. "How's your shoulder?"
"It's fine. Not sure about this though." She bent and straightened her knee, wincing with the movement. "…How are you?"
"I think I'm fine. I never know if my legs…well anyway…I should get Leslie to come check you out and I'll have her check me out too."
Both women knew there was unfinished business, but were unsure as to what that entailed, so they opted for silence. Helena watched as Barbara inadvertently reached back and rubbed the area where the transponder had rested shortly before. She watched as her mentor then let out a matter-of-fact breath of disappointment and familiarity at the lack of sensation.
"Barbara? Why didn't we ever talk about it? About your injury?" It was hard for Helena to make eye contact; the subject was unfamiliar despite its ever presence.
"Is that what we are calling it now? My injury?"
"I'm sorry. I don't know…"
"I guess because you never asked?" Barbara didn't skip a beat. Her response seemed to her like the most honest response she'd given in weeks.
"I'm asking now." Helena too let fly her most sincere thoughts and feelings despite Barbara's initial attempt to make her uncomfortable.
Sitting there, it occurred to Barbara that in all the years she had spent on recovery and remaking herself, she had never had this discussion with anyone really. For once she had no plan of attack; nothing prepared. This was completely uncharted territory for both of them.
"Well, ummm…I'm not really sure what to say." Barbara moved in as closely as her chair would allow and searched Helena's eyes with her own. She saw true friendship and sincerity not pity looking back at her. "You know? I have never done this. It's strange now that I think about it. My situation was a little different than most. After I was shot…" She paused to allow the flood of memories to flow through. "…I woke up in a private hospital and within a couple of weeks, I was in an even more remote rehabilitation center. I didn't have all of the typical classes. You know? Like how to deal with the emotional end of things." She was fighting back nausea as the words came out seeming to her like the last of her secrets was being given away. "What I am trying to say is that I needed to get back as much of my life as possible; quickly…"
"Because of me?" Helena listened intently.
"…partly because of you; partly because I thought it's what everyone expected."
"You never mourned Barbara. You never talked about it. I never knew what it was like for you. I always wondered; almost every night. I would cry about my mom then wonder what you were thinking and going through at that minute, just down the hall."
Barbara was shocked to hear what Helena was saying. She felt a tear forming, but stayed composed. "It's a tough thing to lose. As if losing the use of my legs wasn't enough, I lost my life as I knew it. It's like whenever I looked at you, I saw your mom. Selina and I had been through so much to get to the point our friendship had taken us. She was gone; out of reach, but ever-present in you; at least for me. To this day, I wake up every morning and see my legs, but they are gone, never coming back; no matter how much I have overcome, that is impossible to get past. It is surreal. Don't get me wrong, I honestly don't think about it while I'm busy, but I'd be lying if I told you I didn't have to let it go every single day."
"Barbara, I can't even imagine…"
"No! You can't. I'm not telling you this so you will pity me or even understand why I used the transponder again. I'm not even totally sure why I did. I just want to tell you because what I have learned these last few weeks is that you are my family and this…" she patted the rims of her chair, "…this is a big part of me that I don't share. Physically it's funny and scary to think about those first months. I didn't want anything to do with all the equipment Bruce sent over. As a matter of fact that closet is full of unopened gadgets and stuff." She laughed and point at the solitary door in the far corner of the gym.
"So you built your 'super chair'?" Helena was truly intrigued by Barbara's story.
"I thought it made me more normal in people's eyes. Stupid really." She thought back on her dinner with Wade's parents. "It's why this has all been so hard on me. I've had to go through it all again. You haven't lived until your friend has had to dress you and bathe you. It is a humiliation that is nearly impossible to separate from."
"Honestly Barbara, it's no big deal."
"It is to me Helena. Suddenly everyone treated you differently. Except you and Dinah. For some reason, until recently, you guys have never even asked to get my chair or reach something for me."
Helena's face turned red like she had done something wrong, "I'm sorry, I never event think to."
"No. Don't apologize. It's what makes us a great team. We move around each other like parts of a well-oiled machine. Little things you don't notice make all the difference. You know?" She looked to Helena for understanding.
"Like?..."
"Like the fact that we never get in each other's way. You always hold doors and let me go first. You leave things in reach etc. It just happens naturally. It just works without a fuss; without making me feel different."
"We all need each other. We couldn't do this without you Barbara. And as much as it has pained me to see you sad and in pain these last few weeks, I have loved helping you…."
"…and I have been horrible! I am sorry. It's just been a lot to lose all at once and a lot to accept. I guess it's pride."
"So, where are we with Wade then?" Helena risked segueing into the matter at hand.
"When Alfred let Wade into the Clocktower, and he saw me at work on the Clayface thing, that was the first time I felt strong and myself with him. You know how hard it is to hide our secrets as it is. With him, the ruse became letting him think I wanted or needed him to take care of me for fear of exposing my real secret. That's why I wanted him to see me walk I guess."
"Barbara, you're not weak just because you can't walk…"
"Yes, I am and I need to accept that. I need to accept it so that it doesn't make me weak mentally like it has lately. I totally lost focus and made this whole thing about my legs because I don't think I have ever dealt with the truth; I have a disability no matter how self-sufficient I am or how well I can fight or solve crimes. I made some bad choices."
This admission made Helena sad and upset because she hadn't ever seen Barbara as lesser because of her disability. "You did what you had to…"
"I'm not talking about using the transponder to take down Harley, that I would do again, but today, that was stupid and selfish and now you are hurt. I realize now that walking to Wade would just be another lie, but I do need to set some things straight.
"Barbara. I'm so glad to hear you say that." With that, Helena threw her arms around Barbara. "By the way, I never wanted to hit you or fight you physically; truly Barbara."
"Me either. I was just wishing I could get you to put me out of my misery. I do need to spend a little more time sparring with you. My hand to hand could use some work!"
"Anytime, but you got some pretty good hits in and this knee is compliments of Batgirl! NOT Dinah."
"I was afraid of that. Let's go call Leslie and apologize to Dinah. Sit tight for a second." Barbara went over to the forbidden supply closet and pulled out a pair of crutches. She placed them on her lap and went back to where Helena was sitting. "Here…I really want you off that until Leslie checks it out."
With that, the girls left, this time on a more level playing field with clearer pictures of themselves and each other.