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Even Villains Need Groceries
Chapter 1
By KnightMysterio
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian
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Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the next four stories are inspired by. Here's a link to the rest of her stuff: http://blacklillian. deviantart. com

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Twilight Town…
Sunset Groceries…
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A black, unmarked van with the Organization XIII logo pulled into the far end of the parking lot, far away from any other cars. The driver's side door opened, and an imposing, silver-haired, visibly-irritated man got out.

"All right," Xemnas said to his passengers, "We're here. Xaldin, you stay in the car."

"WHAT?!" Xaldin asked, his voice indignant, "WHY?!"

Xemnas scowled at him. "Because the last time YOU went shopping, furry things DIED. Now let's move, people."

Four other Nobodies followed Xemnas out of the car. Xigbar and Demyx kept pace with Xemnas, occasionally making jokes about the fat people they saw in the parking lot. Roxas trailed behind them all, wondering why he was even here. And fire-haired Axel loped behind them all, glaring at the van.

Xemnas was the first to get to the door, when he noticed Axel lagging behind.

"Hurry up, Axel!" he snapped, going inside the store.

Axel snapped his fingers. Inside the gas tank of the van, a spark occurred.

Then the van exploded.

Axel watched in amusement as a charred, screaming Xaldin was thrown from the van, his wind powers quickly putting out his flaming hair and clothes.

They did not, however, cushion the Nobody from landing on his face on the pavement.

Axel grinned viciously. "Coming!" he said in a sing-songy voice, adding under his breath, "That's for Mr. Bunny, BITCH."

Xigbar snickered at Axel, elbowing him playfully in the stomach, as Demyx and Roxas just looked at him in amusement. Xemnas, meanwhile, was busy trying to resist the urge to just kill Axel immediately.

The five of them made their way into the store, Xemnas pulling out a couple pages of notes from his pocket.

"Okay," he said, "The Grocery List is as follows. Page One: Orange juice, milk, cheese, eggs, tuna, and chocolate. Page Two: Paper towels, glue, hair ties, bottled water, bandaids, and Tylenol." Xemnas nodded, and was about to hand page two to Xigbar, when he noticed something on the bottom of the list.

"Hm? Oh, I didn't see that last one. Larxene's handwriting is kind of hard to read. T… A… M…" Xemnas froze, his mind reeling in revulsion. "TAMPONS?!!?" he shrieked, getting varying reactions of shock and revulsion from the other gathered males.

Before the more powerful Nobody could react, Xigbar teleported page one of the grocery list out of Xemnas's hands and into his own. "Right. Page one, all of us. Mad cool." he said, he, Demyx, and Axel bolting down another isle, Axel shoving Roxas along and giving Xemnas's page of the grocery list a frightened look.

Xemnas stared balefully down at his page, and then glared at the others. "I hate you all…" he muttered, pulling a cart out and heading down an isle, debating the merits of pulling his hood over his head.

Meanwhile…
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Safely in the freezer section, Xigbar, Axel, and Demyx were comparing notes while Roxas looked at the ice cream.

Xigbar glared at the first page on the list. "Whoa, Xemmy's one to talk. His handwriting totally bites! 'Groceries' looks like 'grocones!'"

Demyx giggled. "Heh. Grocones. That's Spanish for 'balls.'"

Xigbar blinked. "Wha? Why would YOU know…"

Axel sneered at Demyx. "That's CAJONES, you dumbass."

Roxas blinked, and gave Axel a confused look. "…Axel? How do you know that?"

Xigbar sighed. "We'll tell you when you're older, little dude" he said, shoving Demyx forward as Axel flinched away from him in revulsion, "Now go find some of these for me, will ya? Thanks."

Xigbar tossed a pink post-it note over his shoulder as he, Axel, and Demyx disappeared down another isle, Axel grabbing a loose cart. Roxas caught the note, which had heart markings on it (obviously stolen from Marluxia's room), and whimpered when he read the single word on the note.

Xigbar wanted him to find condoms.

Three isles over…
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Xigbar shoved Demyx against a wall and grinned. "And now you. Shopping foul: Abuse of a foreign language," he said.

Axel grinned mischeviously. "Penalty time?"

Xigbar nodded. "Penalty time."

Demyx gulped nervously as Xigbar and Axel loomed over him. "P-Penalty?"

Meanwhile…
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Xemnas stood in the middle of the Feminine Hygiene Products isle, staring up at the many different packages of tampons with a look of revulsion on his face.

He sighed. "Kingdom Hearts, strike me dead where I stand," he muttered, grabbing a package at random and hoping to whatever God there was that protected wayward Nobodies that no one saw him.

Almost immediately after he put the package in the cart, he heard the sound of Demyx screaming. The young Nobody, wrapped head to foot in toilet paper and stuffed roughly into a grocery cart, was barreling headlong down the isles, screaming for help. He crashed roughly into the produce isle, a watermelon landing roughly on his crotch.

"Owww…" he moaned, "My grocones…"

Xemnas didn't even turn around. He was busy trying to talk himself out of giving them to Vexen for one of his sicker experiments.

Meanwhile…
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Roxas had found the condom rack. Although he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.

"They come in SIZES!?" he shrieked.

Poor kid.

To Be Continued…