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Even Villains Need Groceries
Chapter 2
By KnightMysterio
Inspired by the fanarts of Black Lillian
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Author's Note: All characters copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix, and are used for non-profit amusement reasons. Special credit goes to Black Lillian, who's fanart this and the next three stories are inspired by. Here's a link to the rest of her stuff: http://blacklillian. deviantart. com

Twilight Town…
Sunset Groceries…
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Forty minutes after they arrived, the Organization XIII members finished their shopping. Xemnas, trying not to look at the tampon package, the colorful label clearly sticking out amongst the rest of the groceries, met up with Xigbar, Axel, and Demyx at the front isle and added his stuff to the pile already on the checkout line. He sighed, stepping in to pay for the money.

Xigbar and Axel noticed the tampon package and snickered. Demyx noticed the latest issue of Villain Cosmopolitan and began reading it eagerly. Xemnas just put his hands over his eyes and sighed. "One word out of you three and I let Xaldin have his stabbity way with you."

Axel snickered, and said, "I'm not sure which sounds worse. The interpretation of that with the innuendo, or without."

Xigbar chortled, leaning back on the checkout counter behind him, slipping a little when he didn't step back far enough to actually put his arms on the counter. Xemnas glowered at Axel. "Your parents should have been shot for making you," he muttered. He then realized the cashier was speaking to him. "I'm sorry, what?" he said to the woman, who was ugly enough to make Ursula look like a Disney Princess.

"I'm sorry, sir," she (Xemnas assumed it was a she) said in a horribly nasal voice, her hand on the package of tampons, "but the price isn't coming up on these."

The cashier held up the pink, flowery box and looked it over. She sighed and said in her awful voice, "I'm sorry, but the barcode on this box of tampons seems to be damaged. Let me do a price check."

Xemnas's normally dark skinned paled to the color of the Kingdom Hearts moon. "Oh dear god…" he moaned, staring in abject horror at the woman as she brought the microphone to her lips.

"CAN I GET A PRICE CHECK ON ONE BOX OF MOUNTAIN BREEZE, QUIET PACKAGE," the cashier said in a horribly loud voice.

Xigbar laughed. "Hah. Xemmy's got a quiet package."

Axel and Demyx giggled, Demyx having the good sense to hide his face in the magazine he was reading. Xemnas snarled. "I heard that and I'm killing you all," he growled, doing a fairly accurate impression of Saix on the verge of a berserker rampage.

The cashier continued, Xemnas's eyes growing steadily wider as he squirmed nervously. Is it just me or is she getting louder with each word? he thought.

"EXTRA LARGE, COLLAPSABLE, EASY APPLICATION, PEARL TIP…" the cashier said.

Xemnas whimpered, throwing a huge munny crystal on table. "Look. HERE. Ten thousand munny! KEEP THE CHANGE. But I'm begging you, don't say…"

"…tampons…" the cashier said. The word was whispered, but to Xemnas, it seemed like everyone in the store heard her say it. He screamed, finally having had more than enough.

"YES! TAMPONS!" he roared, floating into the air as red lightning crackled around his body, his golden eyes glowing with madness, "I, XEMNAS, SUPERIOR OF THE ORGANIZATION, MASTER OF ALL NOBODIES, LORD OF CASTLE OBLIVION AND THE WORLD THAT NEVER WAS, FINAL BOSS OF KINGDOM HEARTS II, AM BUYING TAMPONS! LITTLE THINGS LARXENE WANTS TO STICK IN HER UNMENTIONABLES FOR REASONS I AND MY Y-CHROMOSONES CANNOT POSSIBLY COMPREHEND!! TAMPONS!"

He laughed wildly, and landed near the cashier, grabbing the microphone from her hands. "Let's say it some more!" he said, practically shrieking into the microphone, "Tampons tampons tampons tampons TAMPONS!"

Spreading his arm dramatically, he wailed, "TAAAAAMMMMPOOOOONNNSSS!!!"

Finally having gotten it out of his system, he stopped, glaring at the cashier and catching his breath.

Then he realized that everyone was staring at him.

His eyes grew wide and watery, and he began to sob, hiding his face in his hands as he cried.

Xigbar smiled warmly, paying the munny needed and taking back the ten-thousand crystal, leading the sobbing Xemnas out of the store, waving goodbye to everyone. "Have a nice daaayeee!" Xigbar said, giggling.

Axel and Demyx, loading the groceries into the cart, stared after their crying leader in amusement and amazement.

"There goes a broken man," Axel said.

"No kidding," Demyx said, paying separately for his magazine.

Meanwhile…
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Roxas was still staring in horror at the condom rack.

"They come in FLAVORS!?!"

Poor, poor kid.

The End.
Up Next: The Untold Story