Alright, this fic is based mainly on a pretty obscure series, starting with the book The Theif, which won a newberry medal. I think the third one won an award too. Basically, this dud named Eugenidese is in jail for stealing the king's seal ruing, but the king's Magus, or chief advisor frees him, in order to use his incredible thieving skills to steal something that will give the king the meansthe force the Queen of his neighboring country to marry him. The country the queen runs id in the mountains. That's everything you need to know. Other than that, this is Harry potter, and Full Metal Alchemist, and maybe a few other stories I might throw in later. Please R&R. I will know if you didn't. the site tells me how many hits my stories get…….i will send the chick from The Ring to kill you if you don'treview….jk. But please, if you have any tips I could use to improve my writing skills, do tell. This is written like me and the characters are performing a play. Stage terms at the beginning. If you are a thespian, you will know what they mean.
-Me: HERE WE GO FOLKS! CURTAIN CALL!
PLACES?
-Everyone else: THANK YOU PLACES!
-Me: Great. Lets make this a show to remember! Our very own corny version of
THE VICE PRESIDENT OF ATTOLIA!
Alrighty then.
Once upon a time there was a boy with amazing skills. You see, he could fart on call. When people found out, most wanted to put him in jail (which he deserved.)
-Eugenidese: HEY!
But, some strange and twisted people actually wanted to make use of his abilities.
-Magus: HEEEEYYY!
-Ed: now you guys get it? I told you that she has high talent for insulting multiple people in a sentence. It her motto is "Efficiency! Or randomness…."
-Me: Shut UP! I love the flattery, but now is not the time, boys.
……..Alrighty then.
Well, at those same twisted and stinky (Magus: More…..and,….more….) people who thought he might be useful worked for this big fat Gangsta' (Izumi's husband) So, this dude who worked for the Gangsta man wanted to steal the Philosopher's stone from Harry Potter(Ed: what's that you say?!?!?!), because the Gangsta thought that it would make him hairy, which he wanted to be. You see, he was in love with this bear from the mountains, and the bear would only marry him if he had hair. So, he thought that some kid-
-Eugenidese: Don't call me a kid just because I'm short!!
-Ed: MY BROTHER!! 'weep'
-Alphonse: Ni-san loves him more…..emo.
……SOOOOOO, he thought that this kid who could fart on call could defeat Harry Potter. This was because, when this farting boy was little his mom died, which is pretty dang similar to what happened to Harry Potter. We need not go into detail here. So he stole this kid from prison, by raising money for blood donors who had lost too much, one of which was the prison keeper's mother. The prison keeper was then happy to let him in. Gullible fool. Eugenidese should have stayed there (Eugenidese: HEY!) because then he would never marry that skinny Greek girl. Dammit. Why are all the good ones always taken?
-Ed: Ain't I good?
-Me:……..YES (MY PRECIOUS) VERY (PRECIOUS. WE SAYS SO, YES WE DO, PRECIOUS) HEHEHEHEHEHEHE (drools all over stage)
-Ed: OH, SHI-
-Computer: beep beep-you. Have. Awakened. Rabid. Fangirl. Mode. You. Are. now. Totally. Screwed.-beep beep ( -Ed: runs the hell away. Very quickly.)
-Eugenidese: Are we getting paid to be this off topic?
-Me: 'Ahem, cough' Noooooo…. 'Ahem, cough' …..Your point being?
-Eugenidese: Then we should get back to the script. Edrea your Iptscre!
-Me: (eating cookies at intermission snack bar) But I like the COOKIE!!!!!
-Computer: beep beep-you. Have. Not. Paid. For. The. Cookies. Weird. Al. Will. Now. Sue. You.-beep beep.
-Me: Computer, you shut up. Or else I will go all Exel Saga on you.
….Alrighty then.
So, this farting kid was freed from prison, but on one condition: he had to wear glass slippers, and drop them everywhere. Everyone in Cinderella was having a big April fools on the prince (who was a jerk) so Eugenidese was forced to carry a bag of glass slippers around with him.
-Eugenidese: …Dammit. You know how much this weighs?
-Me: You were the one who said that we should get back to the script. (makes innocent face)
-Eugenidese: Wait,…..was that even in the script? You are so damn ch-
-Me: hehe. Well, I am the original writer of the script, and the boss of everything that goes on here. Would you prefer me to make you do dirty things with other boys? Like in some people's fics?
-Eugenidese: 0.o …….My slippers, I love you, my slippers.
-Me: 'chuckle' I told you to bugger off. I was enjoying those cookies. And brownies. And scones. And parfaits. The customers must pay more for our snack bar than the actual show.
…….Alrighty, then.
Once the packhorse Eugenidese had shouldered his bafflingly breakable burden, they all set off in search of Harry Potter. Or, actually, "I know not what. In I know not where. And I know not how long it will take you. But it had better be before this darn play finishes. And, I'm gonna steal your girlfriend." Says the old Russian story person. And I should know, since I did a report on Russian fairy tales. (-Eugenidese: Iptscre….. -Me: Yaoi……-Eugenidese: 'Gulp.') So, they party of seriously dysfunctional people moved along the road, on their way to Harry Potter, to retrieve the philosopher's stone. I dunno why it's called that. Philosopher's rock is more down to earth. They just like anything with an ethereal ring to it.
When they were traveling the group kept bumping into people in the oddest manner. The small, insignificant party would be walking down the road, and 'BUMP!' They'd run into all sorts of people. Once, there was a Chinese nose peircer. Another time it was a high school girl who spoke l33t, and tried to eat them. It seemed to be a terrible curse, but the boy who could fart on call would usually disperse whoever it was before many of the party suffered casualties.
When the finally reached their destination (Hogzits) they were severely tired, and full of fatigue. Or, rather, kind of…..empty. I hardly envigored them when they saw the sickeningly long hill up to the pent house that was Hogzits School for the Freakishly Weird, or for Gothic, and Emo peeps. Little, black-wearing marshmallow chicks. The magnificent pent house seemed to stretch across the whole horizon, but that was just because it had been skipping out on dieting. The green hills surrounded the valley, encircling it in a cocoon of silence. The trees whispered quietly in the wind. And somewhere in the distance, a couple of squirrels proved rather loudly that it was indeed spring.( I feel know need to go into details here. I shall leave you to imagine the most 'ahem, cough' pervy 'ahem, cough' thing you can think of. Have fun, kids, and remember, you must always kill anybody you meet if they are car seat manufacturers. This is vitally important to our country's future.)
The Hogzits penthouse, however, was not affected by spring fever. Partially because it was failing to attract girls due to its lack of dieting, but also because it was a building, and buildings normally do not act in such manners. Well, after taking in all the beautiful scenery, the abysmally tired and worn down (and dysfunctional) party began to slowly make its way up the hill, like a reluctant inchworm, dropping a slipper here and there. When the party reached the top of the steep incline, they realized that there was another hill right in front of them! They still had not reached the penthouse! With many weary sighs, they resumed climbing, and tossing slippers.
Suddenly, the magus gave an exclamation of understanding. No wonder the penthouse was moving no closer! He said, "So, it is true!"
"What's true?" The farting Eugenidese inquired.
"Panties give you wedgies!" The Magus screamed, as if revealing on of the major secrets of the universe. You know, one of those ones that everybody already knows. He sat down on the fresh spring grass with a painful twitch. "Gimme a minute to get these panties off before we keep climbing." He began to do just that, while the rest of the traveling party looked away in abject fear and horror.
Suddenly, a loud bang sounded, and out of the air apparated HARRY POTTER! Or, rather 'Pottah' like everyone seems to call him. Dang English accents. Anyway, he stared at the ensuing scene, and yelled "CUT!!!!!!!!!! Cut, damn it! That is sooooooo disgusting!"
-Me: Uh, Harry, that isn't in the script.
-Eugenidese: If you can change it he can.
-Me: Don't push your luck, fart boy.
-Harry: I never signed a contract for this kind of movie.
-Me: Ahh, but you see, Harry, this isn't a movie. It is a fan fiction. It does not care about little children's innocence, and it is on the internet. We all know what the internet is for, don't we guys?"
-Everyone: "Oh, The internet is for p-
-Dumbledore: Goodness, children, this is rated T. You know, for TEEN! Not for anything else. Like earl gray, or chai. T, you know. Or, even green T. Or chamomile…….Maybe an exotic pepper-mango flavor? Or just regular mint…….
-Me: Jeeze. Talk about off topic, old man. Okay, everyone, stop singing that lovely song, and get back to work.
-Eugenidese: YOU are calling him off topic? I need a dictionary, to look that term up.
-Me: Don't. Push. It.
Anyway, as the clan was all standing there, trying not to watch the Magus removing his offending panties, this kid apparated out of nowhere. He wore black jeans, with a looooong black coat, a thick black scarf, a black wizard pointed hat, shiny black boots, and he even had black hair. He wore black rimmed glasses. He quickly appraised the scene, disgust evident on his pale face. Quietly, he motioned the rest of the group to leave the Magus and come with him, which they did, not the least it phased when it took them seconds to crown the hill, which they had been unable to reach without the accompaniment of a student at the school.
"The headmaster wrote a suicide note to us earlier," He began as the reached the front courtyard of the penthouse, "It said to the students to check out the disturbing disturbance which was disturbing the peace at the bottom of the hill. I was sent to get you, but I really didn't think it would be that……disturbing." Eugenidese thought the boy was rather redundant, but not quite, considering all the James Bonds that were running around all the time. "I'm Harry Pottah, from Griffen-snore. You want to be friends? Then we can all go kill evil people and be worshiped by fangirls."
"You know, I'm not quite into killing people. I prefer to steal from them. Also, the fangirls are not a good thing, and I want them no time soon. My series is still kind of obscure, you see." Eugenidese stroked his chin thoughtfully, thinking about what he had just said, and ho noble it made him sound. Yay for him.
"Oh…..pity. the fangirls just send me nice letters, asking for my autograph. Funny, I've been getting all these random bills recently. Anyway, the headmaster probably hasn't committed suicide yet, he always skips out every time he says he will. But, I guess being old does allow for some leeway to be made around events like that. The thing is, every time Filch tell the headmaster that we're out of cat food for Ms.Norris, Dumbledore has a heart attack. I wish he would just hurry up and die already." Just then, someone fell screaming past a break in the stone wall that surrounded the courtyard, streaming long, white beard. "Ahh, that'll be him now. The cat must have run out of litter this time, for him to jump off the roof. Oh, well. Snape will finish him off in the end, anyway." But Harry's words fell on unheeding ears, as the rest of the group rushed towards where the old man had fallen.
"OMG!" Shrieked Eugenidese, "Dibs on his wand!"
They all reached the still body of the majestic, yet sadly crumpled headmaster, lying on the hard stones. He gasped out some faint words, and attempted to lift his head.
"What's that? Can't quite hear you, could you speak up?" Eugenidese glared frustratedly at the old wizard.
"Oh, for god sakes, just nock him on the head, and leave him there." Harry stood a little way off, a scowl creeping onto his face and sticking there, as if super-glued. Eugenidese bent closer, trying to catch what Dumbledore was gasping out in his last breath.
"One…..More….chap..ter. Pleeeeaaaase?" He coughed. Eugenidese joined Harry potter in his look of scorn.
"Look, man, you've got six books that you're in. I have three, in my entire series. THREE TOTAL! Besides, I want your wand."
-Me: Gen, shut p. I'm tired of typing, so I'm just going to give the old man his wish. Besides, he deserves it. The movies really didn't do his character justice. You're alive till next chapter, old man.
Hope you enjoyed, and please review. I understand that it is extremely hard to get gags from a series you don't know, but please bear with me. Soon it will be famous; it is such a great story. You want it, it will prolly be in the library under The Thief and it is by Megan Whalen Turner. Great book. Hope you enjoyed, please, please, please review me.
Luvs, AllE K.