AS ALWAYS Im simply using JEs characters for my own amusement, I own some of them but none in which Id care to keep. Anybody up for a few laughs?

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So far I hadnt seen anything strangely out of character from Irvin. He made a few passes at some of the women that had been unlucky enough to cross his path. He tripped and stumbled over invisable matter and had made his way into the alley twice to wrench his guts out. Yup, so far so drunk.

I dialed Morelli

"Morelli."

Hey, its Steph. Gotta sec?"

"Yeah, whats up?"

"I just wanted to say...uh... Rex really misses all of your pizza crusts." So I was to scared to say I cared, I wasnt that type of girl and honestly I really didnt know how I felt.

"Bob misses eating your socks also." See, Morelli sucked at this also. "About tonight tho Cupcake, I gotta tell ya..."There was some background noise and then a womans voice, "Joe, whos that youre on the phone with?" To young to be his grandma, mother, or sister. Shit. "I still need you to drive me to Macys, I dont have an outfit for tonight." There was a smile in her voice, I wanted to rip it out of her throat.

"Give me a minute."

"What the fuck Joe?"

"Its work." Im not work, what the fuck. The cheating bastard. Im going to super glue this mans dick to his stomach, or worse just hack it off altogether.

"The hell its work, Joe who was that?" I was pissed, this was up there with PMS and no chocolate.

"Ill explain tomorrow, its a good thing for us. I promise." Not good enough.

"Tell her its Steph your girlfriend or your Cupcake then! And dont give me any bullshit excuses Joseph Morelli or Ill have Ranger kill you and bury you in some field." I realize I used the Ranger card but in a time of need, a woman must remind the jerk shes with that shes wanted by others too.

"Just calm down," WRONG ANSWER! "I know its hard to trust me..."

"Its not that this hasnt been fun, but I have a perp to catch and a boss to fuck." Click.That man has some nerve, I cant believe hed cheat. We just got back together and now this."Wheres MaryLou when I need her."MaryLou has been my bestfriend all of my life, shes the typical Burg girl. She has the three kids, husband, mini-van, and picket fence. Me, I had MaryLou and Rex. Sometimes life sucks. Im not the Burg girl, but Im not the cat lady either, "GGGGGRRRR!"

Shit, whered Irvin go. Fuck, could this day get any worse? I slammed the SUV into park and started on foot, I couldnt have passed him up by much. I went down the alleys, and window shopped a few places for his mug. No dice. I hit one on the cell.

"Yo"

"Hes gone. I cant find him, life sucks, this sucks, men suck."

"Calm down Babe." Thats twice today Ive been told to calm down and all within the last ten minutes."Not everything sucks, trusts me."

"You know just when I was thinking about fucking you, you turn into Morelli." I hung up and threw the phone down, when it failed to meet my need for destruction I stomped the shit out of it. The keypad was no longer there and it was barely together by a few wires. I felt a little better after that. The damn thing still rang though."What the fuck? Nevermind whoever it is can wait."

I bent over to pick up the phone after it had stopped ringing, when I felt a hand plant itself on my ass. I looked back and directly into the redrimmed eyes of James "The Drunk" Irvin. I went Ape Shit on the inside but I calmly stood up. I was really considering my gun.

"Hey baby, looks like you dropped your phone." He leaned in to further examine my chest and the phone.."You cant use that sucker any more." He smiled and I could count three teeth that werent broken, but were blackened. Yuck!

"OOPS! How clumsy of me. Butter fingers." I stepped back to remove his hand from my ass. I smiled and just for small talk asked him his name.

Belch, scratch, spit. "Im Jimmy "The Horse" Irvin." More like the horses ass."Whats your name lil lady." He spat a green and yellow blob of hell directly at my feet, my Doc Martens were in the splatter area and got hit. It took half my will power not to vomit and the rest not to shoot him. "You look like a Lola or a Lula." The image of me in spandex sequince made me smile a little.

"Im Stephanie "The Bombshell" Plum." I smiled sweetly as I thought of the hell this guy was going to go through down at the station. That nurse just so happened to be the Chiefs' daughter and a Lieutenants wife. Sweet revenge."As much as Id love to continue this conversation I have to be somewhere." He looked a little disappointed."Would you like a ride? Im going to Paulas, if youre heading that way!"

Paulas was a strip bar two doors down from the "Cozy Hut," the motel where Irvin was the Overnight Attendant, a fancy name for a desk jockey.

He gave me his own version of the 200 watt smile, I placed it more at like a half watt but who was I to judge. "Baby that sounds like a proposition, and it just so happens Im the owner of the "Cozy Hut," We could get a room after your routine. That cop get up must get the boys up." I shuddered and vomitted in my mouth, he thought I was a stripper, GAG! He offered me a room, double gag! If Ranger were here, hed have shot him and drug him into the cop shop bleeding. I had to have a plan, yay, go me, not.

I lead Irvin to the SUV and beeped the car unlocked. He stopped short and then shot me a look that said, "This cant be yours." I managed to avoid the questioning look when I sorta dropped my keys and gave him another view of my ass. I threw my purse onto the console and gave him a look that said "Get in or get lost." He got in. Two points for me.

I started off at snail pace, trying to work of the nerve to zap this guy. He made a lewd comment about driving wasnt why a woman should be in the car, how she was supposed to be a backseat expert, that made me speed up a little due to the fact he started caressing my arm. Id been brake checked by a prick in a red Cayenne, causing me to slam on the brakes and causing Irvins FTA file, my gun and handcuffs to come flying out from under the seat.SHIT.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"Irvin was suddenly very alert and I was in panic mode."Youre that bounty hunter cunt bitch." Id heard worse before so that didnt bug me. "You dumb whore, what the hell were you gonna do, drive me to the station house? Ill tell them you got me in the car by offering to suck my dick."See, that bugged me. "theyll gwt your ass on being a slut whore ho."

I took a hard left causing Irvins head to smash hard against the window with a sickening thump, the window cracked and there was a little blood. I then again slammed on the brakes and reached around Irvin, who was then slumped in the seat, to get my handcuffs. "Asshole, I fucking hate men."

I was within inches of grabbing them when Irvin sprang to life and grabbed a fist full of hair and bounced my head off of the dashboard until I had stopped fighting."Fuck you bitch." I was bleeding and pissed. He pushed me down by the back of my neck so that my face was grazing the floormats, I grabbed my gun and then bit down on his ankle, he let go of my neck and brought me up by my hair.I fired off a shot between his legs, and had hit something by the howl of pain and anger that had just ripped through the SUV. I was happy that there was still a bullet in the chamber because I had emptied the magazine earlier. "You sonuvabitch. I just got my hair done two days ago. Thats 50 dollars wasted." I put the gun against his temple, I knew it wasnt loaded but he didnt. He yelped when the hot metal hit his skin.

"Youre gonna pay for this slut."He was slurring and I wasnt sure if it was because of the booze or bloodloss.

"Bend down and grab the cuffs, slowly." I wasnt stupid, if he managed to wrestle the gun from me I was screwed, he had 100 pounds on me easily and a good 8 inches. "Cuff yourself to the restraint bar above your head." He did as he was told. I pulled the gun away but still left it trained on his head, as I was backing away my taser fell from my waistband directly onto Irvins lap.

"Fuck" He saw the opportunity present itself and Im almost certain he read the worried look that had passed over my face. I hit the unlock mechanism on the door and placed one foot on the ground outside. Just as he had wrapped his hand around the taser. If I was outside the car, then he couldnt hurt me and I could call back up. I looked around to see if anyone was near enough to flag down and just my luck I had pulled into a abandoned warehouse parking lot. "Shit." I went to pull my foot other foot out of the SUV without realizing that in the struggle it had become tangled in the seatbelt I lost balance and fell. I hit my back hard and felt my head bounce off the concrete. I looked up in time to see Irvin lean over and zap my ankle. "Fuck!"

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I was dredging my way back through the fog of being "volted," when a blast of ice water hit me dead in the face. "Fucking Christ."

I was wet, cold and stiff. To stiff my brain started screaming something was wrong, I tried to move only to discover I had been handcuffed and taped into place, Another blast of ice water hit me. I was shivering, it felt like it was 20 degrees out.

"Oh my, oh my. What have I done?" There was a sickly sweet voice whispering in my ear, filling my nose with cigarettes and my throat with bile. "Then again what have you done besides fuck up a sure thing." I was still a little groggy and my eyes wouldnt come fully open, everything was dark, and try as I might I couldnt fully awaken.

"Huh?"I was a litte dazed, I couldnt remember much with all the fireworks and whistles going off in my head. I had a headache and could barely speak my jaw was aching so badly."What the hell are you doing Irvin?" Everything was slurred and running together, I felt as if Id hit a brick wall after being run over by a dump truck. I was by this time shaking so hard I could feel my teeth rattle.

"Tsk, Tsk, Stephanie dear. Just when I was beginning to place hope in you." A bright beam of light hit me dead in the face. I instantly regretted the little bit I had managed to open my eyes. It seemed as if the brass section of the marching band was going off in my head. "Wrong answer." Wait what?When in the fuck had I been asked a question?

A ball gag was then placed in my mouth and secured rather loosely in place. "So you may breathe my Angel, not so you may scream. Your nose will be draining shortly." something was then placed in my hand, "You may want this for comfort, not that itll do you any good."The fragmented remains of my phone was placed in my hand. "Irvin, murder isnt worth 20 yrs in jail."

I felt a hand run the length of my body and only then had I realized I was naked. I shuddered. "But seeing you like this is." A kiss was placed on my shoulder blade and I started praying someone I knew would find my body first. "Goodnight Sweet Angel." I felt cold metal prongs against the back of my neck and everything had gone black again.

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What felt like days later I had awoken with a start after feeling a short prick in my upper arm, I heard a distant laughter but nothing else. I tried to stay aware of my surrondings, but considering I was still out of it I gave up hoping if death snuck up on me itd be quick and painless. By the thirtieth time of me running the days events through my head I was still zero for thirty on how I ended up here. I started punching random areas on the lack of keypad on my phone hoping Id luck out and dial 911. I had no such luck. I was trying to replace the back of the phone after it had fallen off again when I heard a familiar "Name please." I cried out in joy.

"Whainger, Whainger, Whainger."I thanked God for Boston Cremes and promised to eat one everyday for the rest of my life if this worked, not a bad deal I thought. "Now Connecting."

"Yo" That one word made my heart sing with glee, I had tears streaming down my face I was so happy!

"Whainger, helmmp mwee, hellmmmp mweee!" I prayed he understood.

"Babe?"

"Yhes, frwind mwee."

"Babe, I think we have a bad connection."

"NO!"oh thank God a word I could say clearly.

"Babe"

"GEE, PWEE, ESS"

"What?"

"GEEE PWEE EESS"

"GPS"

"YHES!"

"Got it, be there in five."

Within minutes I could hear the hum of the calvarys engine, it purred like a tiger and for the second time that night I cried.

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While explaining to Ranger my mishaps at apprehending Irvin, being zapped, and then waking up in hell, wed managed to get the tape off. Now, I sat huddled in Rangers' windbreaker, and cap, patiently waiting for Tank to show. The sun was almost fully up and I was doing my best to keep my back to the crowd.

Carl Constanza a cop friend of mine had made his way over to see if I was alright and to check on the situation. Hed also brought me a Boston Creme, he was a man after my own heart. Id made it a point to assure him that I was ok and this had just been an apprehension gone wrong. I gave him Irvins' name and all the information I could remember from the file, also a description of him and the SUV hed gotten away in. Carl then made it a point to tell me that Morelli had asked for the rest of the week off. Ranger took this as a cue to go back to his car to get a bottle of water for me.

"Just so you know Steph, he didnt seem all there." Yeah well, after a night of fucking another woman, Id expect him to be a little withdrawn.

"Thanks Carl, hes being Jerk Numero Uno today." I stuck up my middle finger to represent Morellis one, I laughed a little, but my heart wasnt in it. "The schmuck left me out here for cripes sake." I shrugged and sniffed. I passed it off as a taser mucusie sniff, but I had a feeling he knew I was hurt. "Que Sera Sera right? Whatever will be, will be." In all honesty to hell with Morelli right now, but what did I possibly do to him to deserve him turning his back on me right then? "Shit."

"Dont worry about it Steph, and dont worry about this gettin back to your Ma either." I gave him a look that screamed "Bite Me!" Of course I was worried, I would never in my life hear the end of this. I was lucky if she didnt try ironing me after this. He laughed at the look.

"Steph, I may have dropped Joyces name a few times while telling the other officers what was going on." He smiled, I gawked. "I mean, how could I be 100 sure it wasnt her, besides shes done this kind of thing before when she was in high school."

I smiled from ear to ear and hugged Carl as hard as I possibly could, he pulled me away and smiled back. For the first time, that entire day I felt as if I were gonna be fine. I hugged him again and then offered to buy him Pinos for lunch everyday until he retired. He laughed and walked over to Ranger for a few words, leaving me to my own thoughts.

"Ha Joyce!" I laughed whole heartedly. "The bitch deserves whats coming to her." I smiled again. I was married once to an asshole named Dickie, his name should have given me some idea of what kind of man he was, but I was a shitty judge of character then. I came home early one day to find Dickie fucking Joyce, "Ewww, On my dining room table nonetheless." I said it outloud to no one but myself, I needed to hear someone speak. Id promptly taken a dinner fork that had been discarded on the floor and buried it into Dickies right buttcheek. He howled and she thinking it was a part of the sex squealed like a pig. I gagged and walked out, away from him, her and the whole marriage business. I smiled again thinking of Dickie having to drive around with a pregnancy donut for weeks.

"Babe." Ranger walked over, he looked a little takenaback. "You alright? You look like the lady at the bus station that talks to the pigeons." I smiled and he stopped short."Did the job finally get to you, do I need to send you to the happy-house for a medicated vacation." It was his turn to smile, I got up and hugged him. "Babe?"

"Im fine. Just thinking about Dickie." Ranger looked a little hurt. Then the blank-mask slid into place. "Dont worry the only good memory I have of him is me staking a fork in his asscheek, when I caught him and the whench on my table." I frowned. "I really did like that table."

"Babe, Ill buy you a table, and whatever the hell else you want." I looked into his eyes, I think he was emotional, odd. "Just dont do this again."

"Yeah, like I planned it. Stephanie "The Bombshell" Plum, does it again. Bigger and better this time, come one come all to the freakshow." I kicked a rock. So I was pissy, I had the right to be.

"Steph. Babe. Please." I looked up in time to see hurt, grief and relief fly across his face. The next thing I knew I was tangled in Rangers' arms and lost in one helluva kiss. His hand was running up and down my barelegs, and my hands were just discovering whatever they could. We broke the kiss.

"Mmm, Ranger" The smell of Bulgari filled my lungs and the smell of sex filled the air. "SHIT!" I was naked and I know he knows the smell of sex, and I know that he knows that I know it too. Ranger threw his head back and laughed. Im glad he was smiling. "Jerk!"

"Babe."

I looked up as a black Escalade SUV parked on the otherside of the grove of trees nearest us. "Nice." Not Rangeman issued, I looked up at Ranger for an explanation.

"Its his own ride, its his day off, kinda." Rangeman Merry Men never get the day off, they just get a day away from the office while still on high alert. I shrugged. Tank got outta the car and approached us. He stopped short, he looked over at Ranger and smiled.

"Fuck you guys." I went storming off towards the SUV and stumbled over something, landing plush on top of a very naked, very dead James Irvin. I screamed.

"RANGER, TANK, GOD HELP ME!" I threw up in James's hair and rolled off of him. Ranger pulled me up and away from Irvin and handed me to Tank. Once I was safely snuggled in Tanks arms and my stomach had calmed I looked up and assessed the situation, Ranger approached.

"Babe. Its a note. For you." He looked a little pale and a whole lot of pissed. "It was stuck to his chest, with a hat pin. From the amount of blood he lost Id say it was previous to the bullet between the eyes. Not so sure though if it took place previously to his shit being shot off." I pulled the sticky red note from his hand and so I may read it outloud so Tank could hear aswell.

"I shot his shit off, that was me. My bad!" The look that was mirrored in both of their faces was geniunely priceless.

"Why in the hell would you do that Bomber?" Tank, a man of few words was actually asking a question. Plus, he may be shocked. Its hard to surprise a Merry Man, I should be happy.

"He fucked up my hair, I paid 50 dollars for my curls to be tamed." Thats it, somewhere in the world I just broke a record, I actually got Tanks' mouth to hang open. Ha! chalk that up to making this day better.

"Fuck"

"Babe"

I smiled, although I had a feeling itd be one of my last for the day. I took a shaky breath and began the letter.

"My dearest Angel. As you very well know by now I was not your poor Mr. Irvin. I am but another man trying to win your heart. I thought you should collect your bounty, after all you did to get him. Tell your Mercenary friend I said hello dearest, and he really should pay more attention to you honey. We will surely meet again Stephanie, stay strong for me. All my love, Your Southern Gentleman."

"Fuck Steph, thats some kind of nut job."Tanks' voice rumbled throughout his body, I hadnt realized I had pressed myself so much against him.

"Sorry." I put some space between us just to be enveloped in Rangers arms, "I dont feel so hot."

"Youre staying with me Babe." I nodded. "Tank, I want all the guys at the office before I get there, any excuses and fire their asses. This is priority. Shes my priority." Ranger pulled my chin up and kissed me again."Babe, you need a breathe mint." He smiled."Be safe." With that he threw me into Tanks massive bulk of a bodyguards body and jogged over to the blue and whites.

"Come on Bombshell, lets go."

"Tank?"

"Yeah?"

"Have one of the guys go to Pinos for me, if Im gonna be at Rangers, I need greasy food."

"Whatever you want Bombshell. Ranger will never deny you a thing."

"And Tank.Thanks"

"Get in."

"What about the note, shouldnt I put it back?" Tank gave me a look that told me that was not a great idea.

"Ranger will be doing everything he can to find this guy, you dont want the cops getting in his way. A lot of illegal things will happen to find your "Gentlemen." Somethings you just dont share with a cop." He directed his attention to driving, putting himself in a Ranger like zone.

"Like your heart." I mumbled to myself.

"Excuse Me?" Tank glanced my way.

"Dont you need to call the guys?"

"Gotcha." He pulled out his phone and called Hal. "Get everyone into the office pronto. Stephs got herself a new friend called "The Southern Gentleman" and Ranger wants us all to get acquainted. Everyone." He grinned as Hal spoke."Yeah, and have Evan the new guy stop by Pinos to pick Bombshell up a couple of pies and a few meatball subs." He smiled again. "Yeah she is bitchy when she doesnt have grease."He hit the disconnect, I laughed.

"The bitchiest, yes I am." I thought for a moment. "Why arent I more scared of him Tank?"

"I dont know Steph, why arent you?"

"Hmmm, Ill have to get back to you on that." I yawned, and suddenly felt super sleepy. "Right now I wanna sleep." I started dozing within seconds of the sentence leaving my mouth, five minutes of sleep was better than no sleep.

"Take as long as you want."

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Hey all I know I havent been around in a while, but I just couldnt let this story go to waste. Ill be posting soon. Enjoy! reviews pls!