Disclaimer: I keep forgetting to do these every once in a while, so here it is! I don't own Severus (damn...) or the story (which I'm actually glad for, because being JKR would be rather pressuring at least occasionally) Once again, I don't even own about fifty percent of the spoken lines in this chapter, seeing as this is a paralleling parody type deal. K. 'Nough said.
It was a week later or something, and it was time for exams. Severus loved exams, because they meant no classes to teach plus low stress levels. All he had to do was walk around and stare at people's potions, stopping every once in a while to write on his Made in China pad, which had been a bonus freebie from the staff room this week. Usually Severus just waited for some kid to mess up so he could put a zero in one of the little boxes next to the Sort of Unnecessary requirements he made up.
The first kid of the day came in. It was the Finnegan, Gryffindor's trademark Irish kid. Severus only remembered his name because he liked to call on him and hear his accent. He wondered why the hell that kid hadn't waited at the door instead like they did every freaking day, and so why should exams be any different? The kid went to the far corner of the classroom, and sat down at the gray cauldron. Severus marked him off five points. That bulky thing was a pain to clean, and he always tried to put it at the seat no one would sit at.
There was still some time before the exam started, so Severus swept over to his corner and moved a loose stone when the kid wasn't looking. Water started to drip annoyingly down next to the Finnegan, but the freak seemed to like it.
When exam time came around, Severus ceased glaring at the Finnegan to go open the door. Not surprisingly, the Bush Hair was first in line, then the boy he bet he could beat up, then some Traditional Filler Kids, the Pointy-Face Brat and his cronies. Severus started to shut the door, when Potter-who-always-comes-to-class-at-the-last-second and the ever faithful Weasley came puffing dramatically through.
Severus spent a large part of the exam period walking behind the kid he bet he could beat up repeatedly, which seemed to make him do weird things, like spill his ingredients about a thousand times. Severus wrote "Butterfingers" on his notes, which reminded him how there had been that kind of candy bar stuck in the staff room candy machine for like forever. Professors Sinistra and Vector had been sending Professor Binns through the machine just that morning to get it out, but Severus seriously thought they had forgotten that ghosts couldn't pick things up, so they shouldn't yell at the guy like that.
It was getting very misty in the dungeons, which brought Severus's mind back to the ever-present issue of ventilation. Potter-with-clearly-no-clue kept shifting the ingredients for the Forgetfulness Potion around on his desk, and Severus privately thought he was getting nowhere real fast.
Taking to doing laps through the isles, Severus had to take an alternative route when he saw something really gross and it was apparent that there was cleanup on isle three needed. The fumes made him sleepy after awhile, and when the bell finally rang, he realized he had been spaced out on some kid's potion for who knows how long. The kid was totally freaking out anyway.
Severus took his next period, which was free of exams, to take the exam grades for the day up to Dumbledore. The halls were really quiet, and he only passed one random lost first year, and Filch, who was doing something really weird next to a suit of armor. When he saw Severus, he walked away really fast. Severus ventured into the corner he had deserted, but all he found was a lingering odor of ham and cheese.
When Severus got up to Dumbledore's office, there was no one there, except a really urgent owl, hooting and bugging the crap out of Fawkes, who finally owned up and burst into flames. Severus walked over to the desk and stared at the note there. It was about the dumbest note he had ever read.
Dear Professor Dumbledore,
Come immediately to the Ministry! If you want your prize money in full for the weekly Why I Like Socks catalog, you will come quickely!
Corneelius Fudge
Severus stared at that thing, and wondered why he had ever worried about Quirrell understanding his poem when the guy clearly had such spelling and syntax issues. He also wondered for the millionth time what Dumbledore was smoking.
Looking around, Severus decided to kill some time by looking through Dumbledore's stuff. He found some play doh, lemon drops, and a picture frame with the original insert of a kid smiling near some trees still intact. Next, Severus picked the lock of a secret looking drawer and found a stapler. He put the lemon drops in with it before locking it again, and silently laughed about that for a while, before going over to watch a baby Fawkes being reborn before he left.
Out in the hall once more, Severus ran into Professor McGonagall, who was carrying a stack of books and looking highly pristine.
"Severus!" she honked, so loud that he got a headache. "How did you feel exams went?"
"As well as they ever have, Minerva," Severus said, taking the option of being as vague as possible.
McGonagall nodded like this was the answer she had always expected, and thankfully passed him by.
Severus decided to go to the staffroom for a bagel, and spotted a mysterious clump in the hall from afar. Coming up behind the clump, he noticed that it was Potter-the-extremely-sketchy and his almost equally questionable cohorts. Severus didn't think he had ever seen Potter-who-should-be-outside-right-now with any other kids, and seriously wondered whether the kid's friend- making skills had just stopped right there, so to speak.
As Severus got closer, the Bush Hair gave a loud, rather too dramatic gasp, and stared at him. The Weasley and Potter-who-is-slow-on-the-uptake turned around real fast. Severus thought their secret gang mission attitude was about the lamest thing ever, though he did wish they hadn't seen him for a while yet. He wanted to get close enough to figure out whether they were speaking in code yet or what.
"Good afternoon," Severus said smirkily.
Potter-the-generally-pissed-off stared at him.
Severus was beginning to think this was a very amusing scenario he had here.
"You shouldn't be inside on a day like this," he told them.
Potter-the-overly-redundant started to reel out what he could tell would be a lengthy bit of blab, so Severus just talked over him.
"You want to be more careful. Hanging around like this, people will think you're up to something. And Gryffindor really can't afford to lose any more points, can it?"
Potter-the-inarticulate just turned a reddish color, and turned to leave with his ever-silent crew, but Severus called him back to deliver a nicely worded threat of expulsion that he had just thought up, then went to get his bagel.
When Severus got to the staffroom, he noticed that the bagel basket was running low, and that people had taken all the good kinds. Only the crusty ones from the day before were left. Severus made a softly annoyed sound through his nose, and took a knife to one. He practically had to saw the thing to get any leeway, and while he was doing that, Professor Flitwick used the excuse that he was a half goblin and therefore handicapped to take the last cream cheese.
Severus finally got the job done, turned around, and noticed in mid-bite of his very hard bagel that Quirrell had just walked by outside.
Severus knew immediately where he was going. Dropping his bagel, he started for the door, and noticed something that was a definite head-scratcher. The Bush Hair was standing very stiff outside the staffroom door against the wall, staring in front of her. The Weasley and Potter-who-is-possibly-in-league-with-Quirrell were nowhere to be found. Severus spent a good few minutes watching the Bush Hair to see if she would move. She didn't. Severus went outside to interrupt her trance.
The Bush Hair jumped about a mile when she saw him come out.
"And praytell, what are you doing, Miss Granger?" he asked smoothly.
The Bush Hair looked petrified, and babbled that she needed to see Professor Flitwick. Severus gave her a very weird look, and looked over his shoulder at Flitwick, who was getting to work spreading cream cheese on his crackers.
Flitwick didn't look up when Severus came over to him. He obviously thought being short excused him from having manners.
"Filius," Severus said pointedly. "There is a student at the door who would like to talk to you." Then, "I must say, I don't envy you her company."
"Alright then," Flitwick said, still not looking at him. Severus was noticing this common behavior in a lot of the staff lately, ever since the last Quidditch match in fact. No one but McGonagall talked to him anymore, and he honestly wished she would just restrain herself as well because that would save him a lot of headaches.
When Flitwick left, Severus took his cream cheese and put some of it on his bagel, then returned it hoping that he wouldn't notice the depletion. As he put it back on the table, he noticed that Flitwick was already coming back inside. He jumped, and put the cream cheese down real fast, sincerely hoping that it had originally been on the left of Flitwick's crackers. Flitwick looked extremely angry, and for a second Severus thought he might have seen that devious transaction, until the guy started talking.
"Snape," he said, "I'm glad you think it's funny to waste my time by making me run all over the place on false errands. Well, haha, it most certainly is not. Just like it's not funny to referee Quidditch matches just because you're a sore loser and don't want anyone to win but Slytherin." He sat down all huffy at the table and looked flustered for a second, before picking up a cracker and biting it with a vengeance. Severus stared at the crazy guy, before going to take a gander outside, so to speak. The Bush Hair was nowhere to be found.
Figuring it would be a waste of breath to attempt to explain anything to Flitwick, Severus left him to wreak havoc on his crackers and went out on a trip to the third floor instead. At least now he knew why people weren't talking to him around this cretaceous place.
Wait—wasn't cretaceous a period of dinosaurs or something? Severus put it on his agenda to ask Professor Binns, who was probably part dinosaur anyway, and continued on the trek upstairs.