Chapter 3

Abby let her eyes slide closed and turned slowly to face Tim. She took a deep breath, and then opened her eyes to meet his. She was sure of what she would find. Pity at the least; revulsion at the worst. Tears sprang, again, to her already red eyes. What she saw in his eyes was not at all what she expected. She wasn't sure what label to put on what he was feeling.

"Thank you," she said softly, smiling through her tears.

McGee looked confused. "I didn't do anything. All I…"

"No," she said, brushing his hair back from his forehead, "you did everything." She paused for a moment and gave him a smile that he would do anything to see every day for the rest of his life. "What I was most afraid of was that the look in your eyes would change. That you would feel sorry for me or look at me and only see what he did…"

"Never," Tim interrupted. "Abby, I'm sorry you had to go through that but I could never pity you. You are so strong. You have become an amazing woman in spite of this. If anything, I love and respect you even more. I'm so proud of you and…"

"Tim, stop," Abby broke in, not wanting to hear any more. "I know I was the victim and this wasn't my fault. Years of therapy saw to that," she scoffed.

"I thought you didn't tell your mom?"

"Oh, I told her about the rape. I didn't have a choice. I just didn't tell her who did it." Abby's face took on a distant expression once again as she slipped back into storytelling mode. "I didn't have a choice because I was pregnant."

She paused a moment to collect her thoughts and memories. "Getting over the rape was not easy. It took a while for me to separate what happened from intimacy with any man. It took a while for me to learn to trust again. Mercy changed everything. That's what I named her. Mercy. Because God took this terrible thing that happened to me and gave me the greatest gift out of it – one I certainly didn't deserve."

Although she had turned back to face forward, Tim continued to watch Abby as she told her story. He wanted so desperately to take all her pain from her. But he knew that even if he could, she wouldn't want that.

"When we first returned to Louisiana, I was really depressed. I started wearing black and withdrawing from my friends. By the time I realized I was pregnant, the spring semester was almost done. Since I wasn't showing until after school let out for the summer, none of my friends knew I was pregnant. Mercy was born three weeks early. I only missed the first few weeks of ninth grade. Everyone thought I had mono."

"Mercy healed me. She was bright and beautiful – the happiest baby I had ever seen. I got my zest for life back. I suddenly had a reason to wake up in the morning. Although most people assumed she was my little sister, she was with me almost constantly after school."

"She was four when I took her with me to college. By this time the rape was a part of my past that I rarely dwelt on. I had a lot of friends and a very active social life, even with Mercy there. And then I met Matt. At the time I thought he was the perfect man: hot, smart and funny and he adored Mercy. He wanted to marry me, and I wanted it just as much. I was sure that this family was my reward for what I went through. We were together for nearly two years."

Tim swallowed hard at her expression when she spoke of the man she had loved so much. He had always hoped the reason Abby didn't want to be with him was because she didn't want that from anyone, but clearly it wasn't that. He pushed his doubts and crushed hopes aside as he listened to her speak, as if suddenly remembering that he was here for her. This was her time.

"One Spring I was running some errands and Matt was at my apartment with Mercy. My car broke down, so they came to get me. I can still remember him teasing her – making a game out of it so she wouldn't worry about me. They never made it," she said nearly inaudibly, as her nearly constant tears made another appearance.

"They were stopped at an intersection when they were struck by another driver at full speed. Their car was knocked across four lanes of traffic, and was struck by at least three other vehicles. By the time emergency services arrived, they were both gone. The driver responsible didn't even stop. He didn't even care enough to stop."

"I didn't know what was keeping them. I couldn't get an answer on his cell phone. I started pacing – I just knew something was wrong. And then someone called for me – they were showing the accident on the news. They didn't identify them, but I recognized the vehicle."

Tim ignored her wish for him to remain distant and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her to him. She buried her face in his shoulder and cried. She cried for her lost youth. She cried for her lost love. But mostly, she cried for her lost child.

"Mercy was seven," she sobbed. "Seven years old. That's all. She was so smart. All of her teachers praised her creativity and charm. And her vocabulary! She was my little perfect genius princess and I was so proud of her. And she was gone. No goodbye. No last hug and kiss. No more 'I love you SOOO much, Mommy'. No more tickles or giggles or water all over the bathroom floor. No more having to make room in my bed at night when she was scared. No more getting to comfort her when someone was mean to her at school, or confronting the monsters in her closet and under her bed. Nothing. Emptiness. No more… No more Mercy."

Tim held her in silence until her sobs abated to mere tears again. He brushed them away from her face. She looked deeply into his eyes and willed him to understand.

"I had to be institutionalized for a few weeks following the accident. I saw a therapist regularly for four years. I went a little wilder, socially, and found it suited me. It suited the Abby I wanted – no, needed – to become to survive."

She continued to look into his eyes as she took his hands in hers. "I am not sure of many things anymore, Tim. But one thing I know beyond the shadow of a doubt. I don't want to live my life without you or Gibbs or Tony or Ducky. You have become my family, and I am scared every day that something will take you away from me."

Tim took another deep breath before responding. "I love you, Abby. You know that. I understand you so much better now. Thanks for explaining. But I just have one question. But I don't want to make you mad."

Abby smiled at the hesitancy and insecurity in his voice. "I'll give you one free pass. I won't get made no matter what you ask. You've earned it," she said, giving him a playful pat on his leg. She left her hand there leaned back in toward him.

Tim smiled. This would be easier if he wasn't looking her in the face anyway. "Umm… why would a long-term commitment to someone you already admit to needing in your life be any different? I mean… I understand your hesitancy to trust. I understand your fear of loss. But if you have already admitted to yourself that losing me would be more than you could stand, what is keeping you from committing?" He took a deep breath and held it. 'Here goes nothing,' he thought to himself as he expected her to explain that her reasoning wasn't based on fear; she simply didn't love him enough to want to be with him that way.

Abby sighed. "You make a good point, McGee," she said patting him on the leg and rising to her feet.

"Umm… er… are you going to answer the question?"

"I never said I'd answer the question, only that I wouldn't get mad," she said perkily. "Let's get back to work."

"Abby," he grabbed her hand.

She turned back to look at him.

"Thanks."

She smiled and winked, "Thank you, Tim. I really needed that."

They walked back to the lab, once again in companionable silence.