AUTHOR'S NOTE:Chapter two only got one review? That wounds me... that wounds me deeply. Anyway, here's chapter three, but apparently no one is going to READ AND REVIEW it, so (sniff) what's the point? Oh, and whoever it was that started the OC-basher with the main character that shares a name with my Sue, I swear I didn't copy your name... I had already started this fic when you posted yours. If you want me to change my Sue's name, I will do so promptly.

DragonRaiderX9: Thanks for the lone review... you have my eternal gratitude and this giant slice of cheesecake. Cool pen name, by the way. I hope you stick around.

Chapter three… Sickeningly Sweet

"This is all YOUR fault," the princess snapped. "If you hadn't gotten so far off track, he wouldn't have—"

"I called jinx on you," Link interrupted savagely. "You can't speak until I say your name."

"Remind me again—how old are you, Mr. Hero?" Zelda said, bristling.

"Well, thanks to all that time traveling you put me through, I have no idea," Link retorted.

Zelda opened her mouth to spout a comeback or three at him, but before she could do so she was cut off by the giant wooden double doors slamming open.

"What the—" Link pushed the footrest back into the La-Z-Boy and sat up straight as half a dozen soldiers stormed into the room.

Zelda did not seem pleased to see the guards. "What did I tell you? The Room of Recliners is for royalty and main characters only!"

The captain of the squad stepped forward. He looked exactly like all the other soldiers except that he had a cape, which was the entire reason he was the captain.

"My apologies," he said, not sounding sorry in the least, "but—"

"My apologies, princess," Zelda corrected.

The captain shrugged. "Sorry, sweetheart, but the author has forbidden me from referring to you with a title of respect."

Zelda muttered something very impolite at the author, and the captain continued. "Anyway, it's not that big a protocol breach anyway, because we're escorting a main character into the room."

Link and Zelda sat up even straighter, the princess wincing as she pulled a muscle in her back. "You caught Ganondorf already?" Link asked.

"What?" the captain asked, and Zelda said quickly, "Nothing! Forget it!" She shot Link a dark look as the captain nodded to his squad.

The guards backed away as prettily as a group of synchronized swimmers, revealing in their midst a forlorn-looking figure hidden in a grass-stained, muddy cloak.

Link blinked.

"You don't look like a main character," he said slowly.

The captain looked at Link and the princess curiously. "What were you saying about Ganondorf?"

"Super Sheikah Ultra-Convenient Memory Replacement!" Zelda cried, pointing at the group of guards.

There was a brilliant flash of light.

"Ow!" Link grunted, rubbing furiously at his eyes. "Why do all your stupid magic powers have to do that!"

"Because," Zelda sighed, "my other choice for special effects was a squirrel popping up from out of nowhere and spraying everyone with that spray cheese stuff in a can, and that just didn't seem authoritative enough."

"What are we doing here?" one of the soldiers asked blankly.

The captain gasped. "Everyone, let's go! It's karaoke night tonight!"

"Where?" asked the guard, and the captain shrugged. "Beats me, but it's a really long way away from here, where something big and important is obviously about to happen! Let's go, guys!"

"Karaoke!" the squad cheered, and they followed the captain out of the Room of Recliners.

Link started to follow, but was stopped when Zelda clamped a hand on his shoulder. "You're not going anywhere," she snapped.

"Let me go! I love karaoke!" Link said, brushing her hand off—and he froze.

The cloaked figure has pushed their hood off of their face, and suddenly Link can't quite remember anything about the past half hour.

This figure isn't just a figure… she's a goddess.

"Hey," Zelda says suspiciously, "why are we suddenly in present tense?"

She glances at Link and notices the drool dripping steadily from either corner of his mouth, his glazed expression and the way he's absently tugging at the neck of his tunic.

Furious, she spins on her heel to confront this intruder.

"I don't know who you think you are, but you've got another thing coming if you think… if you think you can… if you… oh…" She trails off helplessly.

The figure has disposed of the cloak entirely by now, and the fact that it's just mysteriously gone is the farthest thought from anyone's mind. The newcomer is dazzlingly beautiful. She is roughly Zelda's height, with blue eyes and blonde hair like Zelda—except that this girl's eyes aren't just blue, they are an ocean of sapphires, shiny and big enough to put Bambi to shame, and her hair is long, thick, and impossibly straight, with such a glossy sheen that one can almost see their reflection in her tresses. She is wearing a Gerudo guard's outfit: large purple pants that fit snugly around the ankle and nowhere else, and a matching purple top that exposes her perfectly slender belly and the sparkling crystal that sits in her navel. Her face, though, is bare, save for the gold-and-diamond tiara gracing her forehead.

Zelda knows that next to this beauty, she herself will look like a withered old hag.

She doesn't like this feeling at all.

"Link," she hisses, and then she loses herself for a second, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him hard. "LINK!"

The Hero of Time blinks and shakes his head slightly. Wiping the drool off his face, he asks groggily, "Wha… who is that?" Dreamily, he adds, "She's so… beautiful."

Smooth-skinned, perfectly manicured hands pry Zelda off of Link, and he begins to drool again.

"My name," the newcomer says in a sweet, musical voice like a spring of pure water in a desert, "is Princess Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee the Life-Giver, the Water Spirit, the Chosen One of Destiny, the Sword of Hope, and…" She pauses, counting on her fingers while reciting her titles under her breath, and then continues. "And the Goddess' Avatar. Silly me, I always forget one or two of those. You may call me Riana."

Riana gives Zelda a glittering smile, showing a hint of her flawless white teeth, as she gently closes Link's mouth for him lays her head on his shoulder.

"Who the heck are you?" Zelda growls.

Riana gives a merry laugh that sounds like harp music, and Link, cued by the sound, clumsily wraps his arms around her.

"Who am I?" she says. "It's a bit of a long story…"

"So get talking," Zelda snarls, desperately wishing she could slice this girl's perfectly wonderful face off with a blunt knife.

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