DISCLAIMER: I, as always, do not own the Legend of Zelda or any of the characters, items, places, or anything at all having to do with the Legend of Zelda. I wish I did, but I don't.

Chapter Two is up! Ehehehehehe! Sorry for the long wait, I've been kind of busy. But here it is, enjoy!

Still don't know how to make squiggly lines work. You're going to have to live with the a's.

Rating will go up in later chapters for language, but not now.

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"AWESOME!" Link cried as soon as he walked across the drawbridge and into Hyrule Marketplace. "Shops everywhere! I wonder where I can sell the nose flute!"

"Don't sell the ocarina—" Navi sensed a loophole and added something to that statement. "—Or the spiritual stone! We need those!"

Link groaned. "Whatever, fairy. Now what?"

"Find the castle!"

So, grumbling, he walked towards it.

Soon, he left the Marketplace and found a short dirt road, which was cut off by a gate that you couldn't pass, unless you got a guard to open it.

"Hey! Guard!" Link screeched to the armored man standing in front of the gate. "I'll give you a nose flute if you open the gate!" To demonstrate how wonderful and totally worth it it was, Link stuck the ocarina in his nose and blew.

Birds flew away. Bunnies hid. The guard yelled. "STOP THAT! No, I will NOT open the gate for you!"

"Fine," Link grumbled, and went around the corner, where the guard couldn't see him. "See?" Link said. "Can't get in. Let's go home."

"Oh no you don't!" Navi cried. "You're a hero. THE hero. You figure this out."

So Link just sat there. And sat there. And sat there some more. Until night fell. Then he got up, afraid of skeletons, but none came.

But a red-haired girl came and started singing. Link went up to her. "Hey! Shut up! I'm trying to think heroically here!" He peered at her. "Hey, I saw you at the Market!"

"Yeah, I'm Malon. I live at Lon Lon ranch, and I'm waiting for my stupid father. He went to deliver some milk to the castle. Two days ago. I'm going to pound him into the dust when he gets back."

"Oh."

"Hey, if you're going to the castle, could you find my father for me? If you do, I'll give you something."

"Sure, whatever. Now give it to me."

She handed him something. "It's an egg. Take care of it!"

"AWRIGHT! Omelets!"

"NO! There's a Cucoo inside!" Malon cried. And, as if to prove the point, the egg hatched, right in Link's hands.

"All RIGHT! Barbecue!" Link said, gazing at the Cucoo, as if he was deciding what was the best way to cook it.

"NO! Don't eat it! It might come in handy sometime!"

"Oh, I get it! Like if I get hungry."

Malon rolled her eyes and resumed singing. Link rolled his eyes right back. Navi was becoming impatient. "If you were a little more observant you would have noticed that you can climb those vines behind Malon there!"

"Oh!" and he elbowed his way behind Malon and began climbing.

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He was minding his own business, walking to the castle, when a guard accosted him. "YOU KID!" said the guard, who threw him back to where Malon was. "And stay out!" the guard yelled after Link. Link tried to convince Navi that it was impossible to get to the castle, but Navi insisted that there must be some way to and that he should figure it out.

"Oh, no," said Link. "This is going to take some thinking."

He thought until morning. Navi was silent.

When the sun rose, it seemed to trigger something in Link's mind. He gasped, then began to grin slowly. Navi began to get suspicious. "Link, what's up?"

Link didn't answer. He climbed the vines, and was careful not to catch the attention of any guards. "Link," Navi said slowly. "What are you up to?… Oh Farore, Link," she said, turning around. "No, you're not really doing that, are you? No, please tell me that's not… LINK!"

But before Navi could do anything about it, Link had stuffed his clothing into his knapsack and, wearing nothing but, was streaking his way towards the castle.

It turned out to be a remarkably smart idea. The guards were so shocked they were rooted to the spot, not even making an attempt to chase after Link.

He jumped in the river and floated down it to the side of the castle, where things were delivered, judging by all the crates. There were no guards at all, just a sleeping man in blue overalls. Link climbed out of the river and hopped back into his clothes.

"Hmmm," he said. "How do I get in?"

Navi rolled her eyes. "Link… If you shove those crates around a bit, you can get in through the wall."

"Oh! But that sleeping dude's in the way!"

"…You have a Cucoo in your knapsack! What do Cucoos do?"

"They fry up real well."

"NO! THEY CROW!" Ranted Navi.

"Oh…" He whipped the Cucoo out and it didn't make a sound. "Oh, please," he groaned. He set it down on the ground and it just walked off. Silently. So, he got out his nose flute and blew on that, as hard as he could.

"AAAAGH!" the man yelled. "Let me go back to sleep…"

"What are you—"

A look of realization dawned on the man's face. "OH NO! SHE'S GONNA POUND ME INTO THE DUST WHEN I GET HOME!" And he ran off really, really fast.

"That must have been Malon's dad," Navi observed.

Link didn't pay attention. "Maybe I shouldn't hock the nose flute after all!"

"Yeah, that's right. Now move those crates and get into the castle."

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As soon as he was in, he learned that he had not seen the end of those guards. He was forced to streak naked past them again, and nearly got caught a number of times.

Then, he saw the pink princess. She was in a large courtyard, spying through a window, her back to him. He quickly put his clothes back on. "Navi, if I have to play tea party I will kill her…"

Navi rolled her eyes. "Just get over there."

He walked forward. "Hi, pink princess. I'm not going to play dollies with you, so don't even ask."

"Oh my gosh!" said the princess, spinning around. "Who are you?"

"I'm Link, and I'm a hero!" Link straightened up. "Yep, that's me!"

"…You were in my dream."

"Don't tell me about it! I'm too busy to listen to a pink princesses dream."

"No, I had a dream that there was a huge dark cloud over Hyrule… And this man in black armor did—"

"Could you speed things up a little?"

The princess glared at him. "The evil guy caused it… And then you came and… and… I wake up."

"Yeah. What does a dream have to do with this? NOTHING!"

"Stop that! What I mean is—oh, just look through that window!" she said, shoving him towards the window she had been spying through.

Kneeling there, in front of the king's throne, was the ugliest man Link had ever seen. The ugly man looked at Link, and Link cried out. "EEEW!" he said. "That's horrible!"

"That's Ganondorf. I think he's going to take over. I know it from my dream… We have to keep the Spiritual Stones safe from him!"

"…Why?"

The princess scowled even more than she was already scowling and said, "Anyway, you have to go save Hyrule for me. Go get the other Spiritual Stones!"

"Oh, great!" Link rolled his eyes. "Man, no tea party, just another quest!"

"But—but—"

"Dreams are just dreams—and I'm not going to run around fetching pretty jewels for a pink princess just because of a dream!"

"Please! My dreams have never been wrong!"

Link made to turn around and leave. "Comon Navi, let's go hock this emerald."

Then the princess smiled evilly. "With a snap of my fingers, I could have you arrested, thrown into a cell, held there for a few months, then fed to the Wolfos. So either go get the other stones… or don't. Your choice."

"You got yourself a deal, princess!"

She clapped her hands together. "Yay! Go find them and bring them here! We'll save Hyrule!"

Link rolled his eyes and started walking the other direction, and was stopped by a very, very tall woman. "I am Princess Zelda's guardian." She boomed.

"Okay. Let me go."

"First, I'm going to teach you Zelda's Lullaby. I sang it to her when she was a baby. It has special powers."

"Suu-uu-rre." Link rolled his eyes again, but go out his nose flute.

She taught him the song, and he played it. Just barely. With a lot of… extra notes. But, he was allowed to leave.

The guardian, who he learned was named Impa, escorted him out, and said, "You need to go over there, Kakariko Village. That's where the next Stone is."

"Okay, whatever lady."

She scowled at him, then dissapeared in a flash of light. Link was amazed at this. "HOLY CRAP! WHEN DO I LEARN TO DO THAT?!" he shouted, but there was no response. He sighed sadly, and set off for this village she talked about.

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As soon as Link walked in, he was amazed. "And I thought the Market was awesome, look at THIS!" he chattered to Navi.

"Where we need to go is over there," she pointed out.

"But I want to—"

"LINK! You don't have a choice! Go quickly."

"Ugh, whatever!" and he began to go where Navi pointed.

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Please review! Constructive criticism is welcome, as are flames, simply because I don't care about flames.

No reveiws, no updates!