Hi everyone! Thanks for being patient; I haven't had too much time to write and/or update yet. Here's chapter six, and yes, it is a longer one! Hooray!
TigerTank: Ganondorf is up to something quite evil, but I must say that beating the peasants with sticks never crossed my mind. The tense change comes from the presence of Riana; she is so perfect and wonderful that the fic itself feels the need to acknowledge her. And no,I have no idea how this is going to end. I'm just writing it as it comes to me. But trust me, it will be painful... HA!
Lizai:Good question.I certainly wouldn't.
Ri2: Yes, but then if there's no Riana there's no Sue-basher! I'll make her get what she deserves.
Lucky: How do I come up with this? The answer, my friend, is found in one word: SUGAR.
Baron Hausenpheffer: A bucket of reality? Good idea, but when you're me, reality is hard to come by.
eternalnemesis: Yeah, I like that part too.
eternalnemesis:Shoot! My reply got cut off! Don't you hate it when that happens? (hee hee, sorry, I couldn't resist.) Glad you liked the chapter.
Phantwo: Aw, you made me blush! I'm having such a good time making fun of everything, and I'm happy other people are enjoying it too. Sorry about the mild Zelda-bashing, but I'm just not that fond of her. She's been a lot of help in this fic, though--I'm enjoying writing through her perspective.
jiminycricketX: Wow. Sorry I nearly killed you. Thanks for checking out my story!
Chapter six… This is Fanfiction
Ganondorf, humming a little as he left the Market with a complicated-looking bomb in tow, began silently reviewing his Evil Dictatorship shopping list.
Freedom… check.
Evil plan to conquer the world… check.
Giant bomb with which to conquer the world… check.
Secret hideout and/or floating castle…
The desert man stopped in his tracks on the drawbridge. He didn't have either one of those.
Crud! What was he supposed to do now? It wasn't as if he could just snap his fingers and a fortress protected with mazes, booby-trapped-and-monster-infested dungeons, and other random magical barriers would suddenly appear in front of him—
Wait a second, he thought. This is fanfiction. Anything can happen.
He looked down at the thick, sausage-like fingers on his right hand, then looked back up at Hyrule Field.
Anything can happen… right?
Only one way to find out.
He shut his eyes (merely to add to the drama, of course), lifted his hand and snapped his fingers.
"What are we going to do?" Zelda moaned for the seventeenth time, pacing furiously and wringing her hands. "I cannot believe we let Ganondorf get away and have Mariana Susana Bunnies And Flowers Whatever Her Name Was to deal with on top of it!" Then, bringing her count up to eighteen, "What are we going to do?"
"First, you can quit doing laps around the room," Link sighed. "You've worn a pathway in the carpet."
Zelda glared at him. "Any other bright ideas, or did you use up your entire stock right there?"
Link raised a brow at her, which was quite a feat considering his eyebrows had been furrowed in a permanent scowl since his 3-D debut on the N64. "Hey! Since when have you been so irritable and nasty?" he shot back at her. "You're supposed to be level-headed and wise beyond your years." Comprehension suddenly dawned on his face. "Unless this is simply the worst case of PMS I've ever seen."
Zelda's mouth dropped open. "That's not—you are such a—it isn't—"
"Chocolate?" Link offered, holding up an Almond Joy.
The princess raised her hand to slap him across the face, but she hesistated, then sighed in defeat and grabbed the candy instead.
"See?" Link said encouragingly as she unwrapped it and bit into it, both unaware of the author boiling in jealousy on the other side of the computer. "You just need to calm down so we can think."
Zelda nodded, feeling better already as she sucked the chocolate off the almond. Yes, she was being irrational. She just needed to collect her wits and put them to a more creative, productive use—namely, destroying the true face of evil once and for all.
Oh, and destroying Ganondorf, too.
"So," Link said, plopping into the big green recliner that the Gerudo King had previously occupied, "let's start with what we know." He tugged on the wooden footrest lever, then looked at it in surprise when it didn't budge. "Wow… Ganondorf really jammed this thing."
"Well," said Zelda around a mouthful of coconut, "Ganondorf is trying to conquer the world for no apparent reason, and we have a Mary Sue who's going to be on our tail every step of the way."
"The best way to get rid of Ganondorf is easily violence," Link grunted, jerking the little lever fruitlessly. "C'mon—you stupid—piece of—" Frustrated now, he pushed himself to his feet, drew out his sword and began smacking at the lever with the flat of the blade.
"You could just sit on a different chair," Zelda pointed out, licking the last traces of chocolate off her fingers and crumpling the wrapper into a little ball.
"Or I could hit this one with every weapon in my arsenal," Link said thoughtfully, and immediately he swapped the sword for the hookshot. "One of these has got to work."
Zelda decided not to argue. She was rich, after all—she could buy an entire furniture store if she felt like it. Continuing the conversation, she said, "I'm sure violence will work for Ganondorf, but it's not going to work for Riana."
"Why not?" Link said, now taking a swing at the La-Z-Boy with the Megaton Hammer. "We just make her meet the same sorry end as Ganon."
"Easier said than done. You turn into a slobbering idiot whenever that little harpy floats into the room."
As the chair went up in flames, Link put away the Fire Arrows and turned around to face her. "I do not."
"Yes, you do," Zelda insisted.
"Do not."
"Do too."
"Do not!"
"Do too—no! I am not getting into this any further!" Zelda snapped, and at that very moment the thick double doors burst open.
Link and Zelda glanced at each other in horror as golden rays of light poured through, the music of a symphony arose from out of nowhere, and a couple twittering bluejays flew into the Room of Recliners and vanished. As the all-too-familiar-by-now scent of fresh rain and roses drifted across the room, masking even the smoke from the flaming chair, Riana glides across the threshold, wearing a sky-blue, low-cut dress now, along with so much silver-and-sapphire jewelery that standing upright must be a difficult task, and—oddly enough—a pair of white wings, making her look like she has quite literally fallen from heaven. She is more radiant than ever now, even with the tears streaming down her face.
"Fight it, Link!" Zelda screams. "Fight it!"
But Link has already begun to salivate.
"Drat it all," Zelda mutters.
Riana's voice breaks as she tries not to sob. "I got out into the hallway," she cries in a voice that breaks Zelda's heart and makes her want to kill something at the same time, "when I realized that I was betraying dearest Link's love!" She gracefully runs straight into the Hero of Time's waiting arms. "Link, oh Link, my heart belongs to you and no one else! I'll understand if you… if you don't… if you can't return my feelings, but you must know how I love you!"
"Why yes my darling Riana I understand perfectly and I love you too and all is forgiven," Link says tonelessly, his eyes going out of focus.
Riana flings her arms around his neck and speaks into his shoulder. "Oh, Link… you really are a saint… you're almost as perfect as I am." She lifts her face and, to Zelda's horror, slowly begins inching her beautiful lips toward his own—
"I DON'T THINK SO!" the princess of Hyrule shrieks, grabbing those fluffy white wings and pulling as hard as she can, almost throwing Riana across the room in an attempt to get her away from Link. To her surprise, Riana squeaks in pain.
"Ow! Dear sister, what are you doing?" she yelps, giving Zelda a helpless, liquid-eyed look of astonishment as she catches herself and straightens up.
"Those are real?" Zelda asks incredulously. "I thought they just came with your ability to change outfits at a moment's notice."
"Of course the wings are real," Riana says in a humoring tone of voice, perking up slightly. "I forgot to mention—I'm an angel."
"Aren't you my twin sister?"
"Yes."
"So I'm an angel too?"
"No."
"That makes no sense whatsoever," Zelda says, and Riana just gives a pleasant little laugh. "Oh, sister, you do make me smile sometimes! This is fanfiction. I don't have to make sense."