You are all CRAZY! Did you know that? YOU ARE ALL CRAZY! But I guess the world needs psychotic people like us. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long update… responsibility keeps getting in the way. Stupid responsibility!
TigerTank: Oh, to blow Riana away with any of the Goldeneye007 weapons... alas, we must tolerate her further.
Lizai: Of course her speech is different. She's too perfect to speak in common tongue like the peasants.(see reply to TigerTank's review)
Lucky: No, I'm not dissing 3-D Link; I just think it would hurt to keep your eyebrows furrowed for as long as he does. Almond Joys are my best friend.
Ri2: Like I said earlier, I'm not poking fun at any one particular Sue except my own. Congratulations on killing yours off. And I think I finally figured out where the story goes from here, so the ending should be coming to my sleep-deprived brain soon.
Baron Hausenpheffer: By the time I'd written chapter six, I'd noticed the very same problem. That's why this chapter is titled as it is, and I swear the story starts picking up. I beg for thine patience.
Georgianna: If only there was a place to which we could run...
Chapter seven… In Which Ganondorf Actually Does Something
As the King of Evil, the villain of countless Nintendo titles and works of fanfiction, Ganondorf had thought that he'd seen it all. Been there, done that. Nothing new under the drab brownish-yellow clouds he'd once managed to blot out the sun with.
But now, trapped inside Microsoft Word, he had come to comprehend the meaning of ultimate power. The Triforce was nothing, absolute garbage compared to the power he had in the grasp of an author desperately in need of a bad guy and willing to supply him with anything he desired in exchange for a plot.
A snap of his fingers. A mere click, and Hyrule Field had been utterly transformed into the impenetrable Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil. The lush green grass was now a rolling carpet of blood-tainted spikes (he had no idea where the blood was from, but it made quite a nice addition to the scheme of things). One spike-free path stretched from the drawbridge to the edge of the moat of lava surrounding his new hideout, but it was heavily guarded by swinging Tomb-Raideresque scythes and those crawling hands that return you to the beginning of the dungeon and make the author want to rip her hair out in frustration. There was no bridge over the moat leading into the Secret Fortress. That would make things too easy for Link.
And oh, the hideout itself! A gloriously hideous castle made of black stone, with red-eyed gargoyles perched on every available parapet and windowsill, stretching at least a thousand feet into the air and spanning almost the whole breadth of Hyrule Field. Inside, he could sense, were dozens of mazes and random puzzles that would certainly slow Link down in his daring endeavor to get to the very topmost room, all infested with every enemy the little punk had had to fight in Ocarina of Time—
Wait a second. Why would Link be trying to get to the topmost room? He was too smart to waltz in there just because he could, and he certainly wasn't going to try to rescue Ganondorf from imprisonment in the tallest tower a la Shrek.
Ganondorf almost hit himself then. He had forgotten the first, foremost, pivotal, cardinal, essential, key, crucial, most vital Rule of Evilness: When in doubt, kidnap the princess.
The Gerudo King threw back his head and laughed his signature laugh. Link would have no idea what hit him. They would never be expecting this.
Oh, how very sweet life was!
Riana has been making valiant efforts to get back to Link ever since Zelda pulled her off of him, and it is getting on the Princess of Hyrule's nerves.
"Dear sister, will you please step aside?" the One of Many Titles asks again, desperately trying to sidestep Zelda, who has conveniently managed to get in the way each time. "Link and I are destined to navigate dangerous dungeons and fight off Ganondorf and perhaps have a handful of humorous scenes where he tries a thousand different ways to kiss me and each one goes hilariously wrong until at the end of the fic when I end up tripping and our lips meet by accident—"
Goddesses, Zelda prays silently, I beg you, if there is any mercy in the heavens, please, please send this little pain in the neck out of the room and give her a prophetic vision for about five minutes or so to keep her busy.
"—and after we've stared into each other's eyes for a minute while our faces are burning red he'd swallow in a determined fashion and lean forward and kiss me for real," Riana continues, demonstrating her ability to survive without air, "and that would be the end but there would be an epilogue that takes place ten years later in which he and I watch our children, Liana and Rink, frolicking happily through fields of flowers and then we join hands and reminisce about our wedding and then we go back into the castle which is our home because we are the King and Queen of Hyrule—"
"Will you please use some punctuation if you're going to continue on like this for a while?" Zelda mutters through gritted teeth. Riana sighs, and her feathery wings droop a little. "This, dear sister, is my only weakness," she says unhappily. "Or rather, it is the author's fault… we original characters are often plagued with bad grammar and poor spelling." Then, after a short pause, "My dearest Link will be able to cheer me up, though… Zelda, please move…"
The Princess of Hyrule gasps and points toward the door, wondering if this is going to work again and praying fervently that it will. "Oh no! Look, Riana, a baby is trapped in that burning building right next to the tree with a stranded kitten in it!"
To her immense relief, Riana's Blatant Lie Radar does not seem to be fully functional at the moment, and the angel whips around. "I can help!" she cries. "I am immune to fire!" And she darts out the door.
Zelda slammed the door shut and wedged a recliner under the handle, wondering if that would keep her twin out or if Riana would suddenly reveal that she had the ability to walk through walls.
The possibility made her shudder.
Link's face had gone back to normal, and he had immediately occupied himself with wiping the saliva from his mouth and chin. Zelda quickly dismissed thoughts of Riana breaking down the door with her beauty alone and grabbed his shoulders. "There's no time for that!" she snapped. "Link, you have to listen to me, something just occurred to me and it might just save you—"
"There's no time to do this?" Link asked doubtfully, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.
There was a loud crack as the door splintered and golden beams of light began to filter through. Very, very faintly, an orchestra struck up a symphony.
No, Zelda prayed desperately, please, please give her a vision or something, anything to keep her occupied…
The golden light flickered and died as a very loud gasp sounded out from the other side of the door. The symphony suddenly went out of tune and faded.
Zelda almost went limp with relief, but that was a luxury she could not afford. "Here," she said urgently, holding out her hands. "I want you to take this."
"Take what?" Link asked, and at that very moment there was a blinding flash of light.
Zelda felt the weight of yet another treasured possession passed down from generation to generation in the royal family in her cupped hands. Sage powers, she decided, were a wonderful thing, especially the powers that could make stuff materialize whenever you needed it.
Link violently rubbed at his eyes. "Ow! Will you quit—"
"Take it!" Zelda hissed. "Quick, Link, take it before that little wench comes back in here!"
Legend of Zelda's trademark "You Found The…" jingle began to play as the Hero of Time lifted above his head the Pendant of Sanity! Press start to access the menu, the directional buttons to highlight, and the C buttons to equip! With this, you can keep your cool whenever Mary Sues set their sights on you!
"You gave me a necklace?" Link asked dubiously, staring at Zelda as if she'd given him a lacy pink dress. "Why?"
"You idiot," Zelda snapped, "didn't you read the instructional description?"
"I hate the instructional descriptions," Link said evenly. "They make me think of Navi, and I'd rather not—"
"Put—the—stupid—thing—around—your—neck," Zelda interrupted, struggling to keep her temper.
"It's a necklace," Link said.
"It's the Pendant of Sanity!" Zelda shrieked. "It isn't a necklace! Put it on!"
The first violin of the invisible orchestra suddenly played a long A, and then a D.
Zelda froze. "What was that?" she whispered. "What are they doing?"
The rest of the orchestra chimed in, all on the same note.
"They're tuning," Link said quietly, horror-struck. "That means—"
Zelda gave a wordless cry of terror and leaped forward, grabbing the Pendant of Sanity out of Link's hands and throwing the chain around his neck just as the symphony began again, full volume.
The doors splintered further, and the golden light streamed through—and then, in slow-motion, the cracked wood imploded, and pieces of the door hung suspended in midair as Riana steps through, slipping past the recliner easily.
Zelda stuffs the Pendant part of the Pendant of Sanity down the front of Link's tunic, resorting again to silent pleading with the goddesses. Please, please, let this work, please please please…
The moment Riana has crossed the threshold, all the pieces of wood drop noiselessly to the floor, the golden light fades, and the orchestra falls silent. Her outfit has changed radically once again—a flowing green skirt, a short-sleeved white top that reveals enough to be cute but not enough to be questionable, a brown leather vest that hangs open (allowing Zelda to see all of the items and weapons that are stored in its numerous inside pockets, although from the outside there seems to be nothing there), and pretty-but-practical assorted jewelery. A green crystal sparkles on her forehead, and her long golden hair has been plaited.
"I have had a revelation from heaven!" she cries. "We must embark on a journey straightaway! Link, come along—let's go outside, and you can call Epona with your ocarina, and I will call my own snow-white mare with my ocarina, and we'll—"
"Now just hang on a second," Zelda breaks in. "What did this 'revelation' tell you that's so urgent?"
"Well," Riana says, "it was a vision that—Link?" Her tone is suddenly confused. "Dearest Link, are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Link says, and Zelda spins around to face him. "A comma!" she cries happily. "You used a comma, and you aren't drooling! Link, you're okay!"
And at that very moment, a large, brown hand clamps over her mouth and pulls her backwards, muffling her scream of shock and fright.
Link draws his sword, his signature scowl back on his face. "Ganondorf!"
Zelda tips her head back far enough to see straight up the King of Evil's nose, and she nearly vomits into his hand.