Chapter eleven… Would You Like a Sidequest With That?
Ganondorf was halfway down the spiral staircase leading from Zelda's prison in the highest room of the tallest tower to the heart of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil when he finally allowed himself to take a breather. Leaning on a windowsill, he fumed silently that his new hideout did not come with an elevator.
At that very moment, someone fell right past him, screaming like a girl.
Ganondorf started in surprise. "What in the—!" He slammed the window open, shattering the glass out of the frame, stuck his head out the window, and looked down.
The screaming was faint by now and fading even more, but whoever was falling was out of sight.
Odd, the Gerudo King thinks. I hope that wasn't Zelda.
Another thought strikes him then: Why is everything suddenly in present tense?
His eyes fall on the answer: far below him, weaving through the maze of spikes and monsters and random spurts of fire, are none other than the Hero of Time and his Mary Sue tagalong sidekick.
Just to double-check, Ganondorf pulls back from the window and climbed up three of the steps behind him. Yes, the tense had changed back the second the couple on the ground were out of sight, leaving no doubt as to who they were.
He went back to the window and sticks his head out again, his gaze going straight to the heroes. They are getting too close for comfort already.
Think, Ganon, think! How do you slow a Sue down?
His face cracks into an evil grin. Of course. The answer is ridiculously simple.
He pulls back from the window again and began to sprint down the stairs two at a time, eager to get his newest evil plot in motion.
Riana is not dirty from her encounter with the ground. She is physically incapable of having grime on her person—unless, of course, she needs a little on her face to show off in hopes of having Link draw near so he can wipe it off and not want to break eye contact and then lean ever so slightly into her and then she can rise up to let her lips meet his—
The idea is a striking one. She takes smaller steps for a moment, letting Link get a little in front of her, and then quickly bends down, swipes the ground with her finger, and rubs the dirt across the bridge of her nose, which somehow gives her an air of innocent cuteness.
"Link," she says, falling into step with him, "do I have anything on my face?"
Her beloved doesn't even look at her. "Probably not."
"But maybe you should double-check."
"Why does it matter? We're practically swimming in dirt. We're both bound to get stuff all over us before we get out of here."
"But I don't want to face Ganondorf with anything on my face! It doesn't look very menacing!"
"Riana," Link sighs, still determinedly keeping his eyes straight forward, "halfway through our last battle with Ganondorf, you will start glowing. All your clothes will melt off while we're shielding our eyes because of the light, and you'll have some sort of transformation sequence ripped straight out of some magical-girl-themed anime. Your hair will be twisted up into elegantly braided ringlets, any and all wounds you have sustained will be automatically healed, and there will be absolutely no dirt on you anywhere. Quit worrying about it."
"But Link—" Riana begins, and then she cuts herself off as she and Link stop dead in their tracks.
They have come to a giant door at the end of the spike-free path they have been following, and there is a lock and chain draped across it.
Link pulls on it once, just in case.
It is, of course, locked.
And it might as well have a giant sign on it over the chains which reads "SIDEQUEST!".
Riana almost claps her hands in excitement. Yes! It's about time!
She notices uneasily that Link seems a little less than thrilled by the prospect of yet another opportunity to realize his true feelings of love for her, but then she reminds herself that this is probably nothing to worry about. After all, they haven't even gotten inside Ganondorf's fortress yet, and if true love doesn't come during a sidequest, it will definitely come in the Gerudo King's evil hideout.
A loud, throaty caw interrupts her thoughts, and both she and Link glance upwards. There—atop the chained door barring their passage sits an oversized, sooty-looking crow.
"What do you think?" Link asks Riana. "Just a feeble effort to make the scene more creepy or an actual part of the plot?"
As if on cue, the bird's eyes glow an ominous shade of red.
"It's part of the sidequest!" Riana exclaims happily, then tries to force her radiant smile into an expression of worry when she notices Link raising a thick brow at her.
The crow gives another rough caw before taking flight. Once in the air, the large silver key dangling from its claws makes its first appearance.
"That's the sidequest?" Link wonders aloud. "We have to follow the bird and get the key so we can unlock the door?"
"It's wonderful," Riana breathes, then quickly corrects herself: "Terrible. It's terrible that Ganondorf would do such a thing."
Link, ignoring her for all he's worth, follows the bird with his eyes for a moment, then begins to head after it. "Well, let's get this over with."
The Harmonica of Time was useless as a mystical artifact. Heck, Zelda couldn't even force out "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on it, which wasn't so big a deal, seeing as sheep apparently did not exist in Hyrule and no one had any idea what a lamb was. But even if the tune had been called "Mary Had a Lon Lon Cow" or "Mary Learned Epona's Song" or even "All the Shops Are Overpriced," Zelda would not have been able to reproduce the notes to save her life.
However, as a lockpick, the Harmonica had become a priceless gem.
One tap on the window, and it immediately swung open. One tap on the heavy door blocking her escape, and she was now standing at the top of a spiral staircase.
Zelda began her descent. It was, she soon discovered, a very long, very narrow, very steep staircase. Silently, she blessed the rigorous spiral-staircase-descending exercises she had been forced to do during her Stereotypical Princess Girl Scout meetings; in fact, she had earned a merit badge for it. No one this side of Termina could descend a perilous staircase in heels and a gown more elegantly than she.
Well, maybe Link could, but she never wanted to see him try.
She had been positively floating down the stairway in her best Stereotypical Princess fashion for a full two minutes before she heard heavy footsteps headed up the stairs, coming towards her.
Zelda froze. Think, she snapped at herself, what did the handbook say to do when this happens?
Of course. The Convenient Landing With An Unlocked Door Leading To An Old Storage Room Which Is Easily Overlooked!
There it was, just to her left: an extremely convenient landing that hadn't been there two seconds ago, boasting a large wooden door that stood slightly ajar. Zelda slipped into the room beyond and softly shut the door behind her.
Yes, she was in a storage room, alright. Countless shelves held row after row after row of assorted bottles and jars, and scattered here and there were large objects on the floor covered by dusty sheets. The CLWAUDLTAOSRWIEO had come through for her. She would be safe here for now.
As she leaned against the wall near the door, she listened to the footsteps, waiting for them to pass. There were definitely more than one set now, but they came to a stop in front of her landing rather than fade away up the staircase.
That's right, she thought. The handbook said that once I'm in hiding, the evil minions will discuss their secret plans just outside the door where I can hear everything perfectly. She steadied herself and put her ear by the door.
"…you think Lord Ganondorf's evil plan to dispose of the Hero of Time will actually work?" came the gutteral, hissing voice of Random Henchman #1.
"Of course it will," Random Henchman #2's deeper voice snapped. "Here—let's sit down right by this overlooked landing which wasn't there the last time we passed this spot, and I'll explain everything to you down to the last detail in such a loud voice that a person standing right behind this door could hear everything perfectly."
"But we might be overheard," #1 gasped.
#2 gave a snort of disdain. "That's what Ganondorf gets for giving my huge fight scene with Link later on to his second-in-command."
There's going to be a huge fight scene later on with the second-in-command? Who could that be? Zelda thought, but #2 started speaking again, and she pressed her ear to the door again, wincing as her enormous Triforce earrings bit at her neck.
"Anyway, Ganondorf's Super-Secret Evil Plan of Evilness is to get Link too interested in the Sue to remember that Zelda is being held prisoner and that there is an enormous bomb being set up, ready to blow Hyrule to kingdom come. But here's the good part: the Sue is determined to have at least one or two sidequests before storming the castle, so Ganondorf is going to use this to his advantage."
"How?" #1 rasped eagerly. "What does our lord of all that is anti-Link have in store?"
#2 chuckled darkly. "A locked door bars the way to the fortress, and Ganondorf's trained crow has the key. Link and the Sue will have to follow the bird to the lagoon in order to retrieve it."
"The lagoon!" cried the other. "But that's… that's…"
"Evil?" #2 suggested. "But of course. And once they reach the lagoon, all hell breaks loose."
The two laughed evilly for a moment, and then their footsteps began to move up the spiral staircase.
"But back to what we were discussing before," #1's voice came, beginning to fade, "I really need to find a better recipe for sugar cookies, because the ones with almond extract in them just aren't turning out as well as I'd hoped."
"Don't give up on it just yet," #2 answered. "I find that a little nutmeg always…" And they were gone.
Zelda put her hands to her mouth. Nutmeg and almond extract?
Oh—and the Super-Secret Evil Plan of Evilness. She had to find Link right away. She had no idea what awaited the Hero of Time and his Mary Sue tagalong in the lagoon, but it didn't sound good.
She left the CLWAUDLTAOSRWIEO and flew down the stairs, and as she ran, it occurred to her that she had no idea where the lagoon was.
No matter. She was in fanfiction. She would show up wherever Link and Riana were right at the climax of the scene, even if she went the wrong way. But speed was essential—no way she was leaving Link in the hands of that little Bambi-eyed flirt.
Link stops in his tracks, his chest heaving from the run.
Riana comes up behind him, resting her head against his shoulder. "What is it, my prince?"
Link is getting used to weird pet names by this point, and he doesn't pay any attention to this new one. "I think the crow landed just beyond this suspicious curtain of vines," he says, nodding towards it.
"Then let's go get it," Riana insists, and she tugs him by the sleeve through the plants.