Chapter twelve… Rules of Engagement
Link's hand hovers by the hilt of his sword, ready to pull it out and begin slicing at the first sign of movement beyond the curtain of foliage. He is sure that this is a trap of some sort, and knowing Ganondorf, there are going to be hordes and hordes of monsters waiting for him and Riana on the other side.
The vines brush his face and drape over his shoulders for a moment, and then he and Riana emerge.
Riana's liquid cerulean eyes open wide, and she gasps in surprise.
Link takes one look at what lies before him, and terror wells up in his mind. This isn't what he expected at all, this is worse, much worse, and for the first time in his life he begins to wonder if Ganondorf has finally beaten him, because he doesn't know whether or not he will get out of this one alive. He begins to scramble frantically in the other direction—and Riana clamps on to his arm, continuing to pull him further in.
"Look, Link!" she cries. "Isn't it wonderful?"
Wonderful is perhaps the fourth way Link would have described it, right after perfect, beautiful, and I'd rather be eaten by Redeads.
They are standing by a lagoon, and the sky is reflecting a most remarkable sunset. The waters are calm and serene, the air is filled with the soothing hush of crickets and cicaidas, and from out of nowhere a soft jazz tune begins to play in the background. The crow is on the other side of the water, perched on a branch of a flower-decked weeping willow. It flaunts the key in its beak.
I can't believe Ganondorf has stooped this low, Link thinks desperately. The sidequest is getting the key without falling in love with Riana!
"Oh my," the princess gasps a little, and Link notices to his horror that her outfit has changed again—she now wears a simple, flowing white gown with pearls sewn on it that catch the reddish sunlight, making them look as though they all carry fire within. The same kinds of pearls adorn her neck, and a garland of small white flowers rests on her golden hair, which is beautifully wavy now and hanging freely down to her waist. Small luminous dragonflies are floating around her, and their light is reflected in her wondering eyes as she watches them delightedly. She is immensely beautiful.
Crap, Link thinks, uncomfortably reminded of the questionable stability of the Pendant of Sanity. I'm going to die.
As a whole, the glowing dragonflies begin to move towards the water's edge, and Riana follows, enchanted. They lead straight to a small rowboat, just big enough for Riana and Link and an elegantly set table between them featuring a large, flickering candle and two glasses of deep red wine that catch the light.
Riana gazes at the boat with a wild glee in her eyes that she valiantly masks with a look of concern. "Oh… how will I ever climb over the side of the boat in these full luxurious skirts that somehow only enhance my heavenly beauty?" she sighs, and then smiles at Link expectantly.
The Hero of Time quickly looks away, and something glittering on the seat reserved for him catches his eye.
What is that? he thinks. He squints and studies it, and the bottom drops out of his stomach. Din, Farore and Nayru… it's a ring.
There is a diamond engagement ring waiting for him in that boat.
"Dearest?" Riana's voice coos gently. "We must hurry if we want that key."
"NOOOO!" Link screams, and he dives into the water.
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"My lord!" Random Henchman #1 said smartly. "Link and the Sue have entered the lagoon! Things are going exactly as you said they would."
Ganondorf, perched comfortably on a throne made of skulls he had found in the very heart of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil, tipped his head back and laughed his signature maniacal laugh. "All of Hyrule shall soon be under my control!"
#1 nodded. "Very good, sir. By the way—"
Ganondorf held up a hand. "I'm not done yet." He continued laughing for a few moments, then stopped to catch his breath, wiping away tears of mirth.
"Sir," #1 tried again, but the maniacal laughter started up again, so evilly this time that the lights flickered ominously and lightning crashed outside.
There was a few moments' silence.
"My leige, I—" But #1 was cut off by yet another spurt of dark laughter. The torches on the walls became a threatening shade of blue, and their icy light danced on the skeletons manacled to the wall in the corner that hadn't been there a few seconds earlier.
Ganondorf's laughter ceased, and things went back to normal. He cast a curious glance to the corner. "What were those skeletons doing there?"
"I've been trying to tell you," #1 said patiently. "Your package finally arrived."
"Package?"
"The auction you won on eBay."
Ganondorf sat up straight. "It's here already?"
#1 nodded again. "Yes, sir, and we've already installed it. Now, every time you laugh maniacally, the special effects will be a lot cooler."
The Gerudo King rubbed his hands together. "Excellent. Excellent. And what of the mailman who delivered the package?"
"Chained in the dungeon, awaiting torture and extraction of information," #1 reported.
"What information?" Ganondorf asked.
#1 shrugged. "It doesn't matter, does it? We're evil. This is what we do."
A grin spread across Ganondorf's face. "You, my friend, are getting a raise." He let loose with his most maniacal laughter yet, and the sound of thousands of chains clinking together filled the room.
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Link groans, noticing right away that things are still in present tense and hoping he can just keep his eyes shut for the rest of his life.
A little gasp of relief rings out in the air like the tinkling of a musical bell.
"You're alive!" Riana's voice cries, and Link's eyes fly open as he feels a slight pressure just below his ribcage.
Those beautiful cerulean eyes are not very far from his own.
Link screams and sits up straight. "What are you doing?" he snaps.
Riana wraps her arms around his neck, sobbing the tears of joy. "You're alive! Oh, I'm so glad, I thought I'd lost you forever—"
Link pushes her off and looks around. He is dripping wet and sitting on the plush grass next to the rowboat. Riana is kneeling beside him, mostly dry besides her damp hair, radiant in the reddish light of the sun.
"You were drowning," the princess explains tearfully. "I dove into the water with no regard for my own safety, and my superhuman strength that would make any DC Comics character die of jealousy plus my fierce love for you enabled me to swim you to shore. I performed CPR to save your life—"
"You did WHAT!" Link cries in alarm. "You didn't—you didn't get to the mouth-to-mouth part—did you?"
Riana edges closer. Much closer.
Link feels his face beginning to flush red, and he tries desperately to back away—except Riana is putting most of her weight on the corner of his tunic, and slender though she is, Link cannot pull away.
Her eyes, so clear and deep and perfectly wonderful, are drawing near to his face again.
"No," she whispers, "but even though you're awake, I can keep going."
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Zelda, still running through the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil, felt a horrible lurching sensation in the pit of her stomach.
Link was in trouble. Big trouble.
No! Zelda thought desperately. They're almost at the height of the scene and I'm not even out of the fortress yet! I'm too late!
And then she stopped. There might just be a way to get there in time.
She walked to the closest door in the corridor and put her hand on the knob.
"I'm in fanfiction," she murmured. "Fanfiction. Anything can happen. I'm in fanfiction."
She pulled the door open.
A janitorial closet lay beyond.
Without wondering why there was a closet full of paper towels and Pine-Sol in a castle that was absolutely soaked in grime, Zelda softly closed the door.
"I need to get to the lagoon," she said aloud. "I don't know where it is, and I need to be there right now. Make a way for me."
She pulled the door open and was met again by cleaning supplies.
In frustration, Zelda slammed the door shut as hard as she could. "Are you deaf!" she snapped at it.
Two guards appeared at the end of the corridor. "Did you hear that?" asked one, and the other pointed past him. "Look! It's the princess!"
Zelda's shoulders slumped. Of course. The author wouldn't cheat for her unless she, Zelda, were in mortal peril.
The guards began running, but they were far enough away that Zelda could get a decent headstart if she took off right now. She had to wait until they were closer.
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Riana's full lips part ever so slightly, and her face tips up towards Link's.
Link is suddenly overcome by the familiar fresh-rain-and-roses scent, and he feels himself beginning to slip into a fog.
No, he thinks, terrified, if I lose myself now, it's all over. This can't… can't be happening…
Against his will, he feels the words I love you beginning to push their way up his throat, trying to force their way out of his mouth. He won't be able to stop them in a few seconds.
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Come on, Zelda urged the guards, come on, come on, can't you go any faster?
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Riana's face draws even nearer. Their noses touch briefly.
Link can't think straight anymore. His body falls slack, and he loses himself in the fog.
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The guards were about fifteen feet away. One of them raised a spear.
It was now or never.
With an almighty cry of "I'M IN FANFICTION!" Zelda flung the door open and leaped through a curtain of vines. She hears the door slam shut behind her and almost sighs in relief.
Wait—hears? Sighs?
She whirls around and sees Link, eyes glassy and unfocused, sitting unresponsive as Riana's lips almost meet his.
Zelda barely even has time to think. She reaches for the only available weapon—the Harmonica of Time—and throws it with her arm that nearly landed her a place in the NFL.
It hits Link squarely in the temple, and he jerks backwards, clawing at his head for a moment.
"OW!" he snaps. "What the heck was that?"
Riana's head whips around, fury burning brightly in her eyes—until she sees Zelda, and fury is replaced by sweet delight.
"Oh, sister! You're alright!" She leaps to her feet and bounds towards Zelda with her arms outstretched.
Zelda only allows herself to be embraced so she can hiss in Riana's ear, "What do you think you're doing?"
"CPR," Riana whispers back.
"Get this through your thick skull," Zelda answers through gritted teeth. "Link does not love you. He can't love you even if he wanted to. You're not really in the Legend of Zelda series, and fanfiction can't change reality."
"You're wrong," Riana replies, her voice sweet but cool. "Link loves me more than he'll ever love you. And it doesn't matter that I'm a fictional character in an unofficial story, because I'm the embodiment of perfection, exactly what Link is looking for in a woman. He and I will become a couple before the end of the story, mark my rhythmic and well-chosen words."
Zelda pushes her sister off, feeling disgusted. "You're delusional."
Riana smiles glowingly. "You're just mad because I was just about to kiss him."
And without waiting to hear Zelda's venemous reply, she twirls around gracefully and practically glides across the grass to help Link to his feet. "Look, love! My sister has returned to us safe and sound!"
Zelda notices Link glance down at the Harmonica of Time in his hand. He looks up and makes eye contact with her.
Was that you? he mouths silently.
Zelda nods.
Link drops his gaze, and Zelda realizes the horrible truth—the power of the Pendant of Sanity must be waning.
Riana slips her arm through Link's, but her soul mate seems distracted, and he doesn't notice her presence at his side.
Zelda's arrival has thrown all of the Sue's plans off course. Princess Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee the Life-Giver, the Water Spirit, the Chosen One of Destiny, the Sword of Hope, and the Goddesses' Avatar is infuriated.
Zelda, she thinks bitterly, must be eliminated.