Chapter thirteen… A Call to Arms
Link drops his head into his hands, thinking longingly of going to sleep, waking up and realizing that this has all been a terrible, terrible nightmare.
Unfortunately, while things remain in present tense, that isn't going to happen.
At the very least, Zelda is here. Riana's attention will hopefully be divided between him and her twin sister, and if Link ever begins to succumb to the Sue's transfixing beauty and perfection again, Zelda will be able to save him.
That thought is the only thing keeping him from trying to smash himself to death with the Megaton Hammer, which sounds a lot less painful than finishing the half-developed plot of this story.
The princesses approach him, Zelda looking murderous, Riana looking as if she is about to explode with heavenly radiance. For a moment, Link wonders if a little angel is going to claw its way out of Riana's chest, like some twisted scene from Aliens.
The Sue begins to flounce towards Link, and little flowers spring up instantaneously on the ground wherever her feet fall. Zelda, annoyed, grabs her arm and holds her back.
"Riana explained everything," she says to Link in a dark tone of voice. "All you have to do is retrieve the key from the bird, right?"
"Yeah," he affirms, and from across the lagoon, the crow holding the silver key gives a melancholy caw, obviously eager to be done with the scene.
Zelda glares at her sister. "If you're so perfect, how come it isn't flying over to be with you? Aren't you surrounded by adoring wildlife wherever you go?"
"Because it's an evil minion of Ganondorf's," Riana explains matter-of-factly. "If their eyes are glowing red, it's a dead giveaway. It's a poor wretch of a creature, forced into servitude, desperate to be free of its ties to the darkness. If only it would open its heart to me, I would take it in my arms and transform it into a dove, and it would fly happy and free into the sky where it belo—"
Her speech is cut short by the sound of Link's hookshot releasing; there is a sickening thud and a strangled sort of squawk, and within seconds the Hero of Time is holding a very dead crow with a giant hole punched through it in one hand and the silver key in the other.
"Let's go," he says simply.
Thank goodness, Zelda thinks. I was afraid the author was going to try and drag this scene out.
Riana is staring at the bird with her lovely mouth hanging slightly open. As a gentle, flower-scented breeze begins to blow on her and no one else, tears well up in her oceanic eyes and drip straight off her face instead of running down her chin like tears would in most situations.
The places on the ground on which these tears fall will later become two separate fountains; one will bring healing to all those who are pure of heart and drink of its water, and the other will become a home for a rare species of fish whose natural habitat is being destroyed by Ganondorf's lack of concern for the environment. As is the case with most of the aftereffects of Riana's physical presence, this information is completely irrelevant to the plot, but it is listed anyway because Riana is just that special. And, of course, while Link and Zelda remain completely unaware of all of this, Riana knows it in detail because she is, after all, nearly omniscient.
Now, however, she is filled with concern not for people's well-being or homeless fish, but for the dead bird, whose only crime was falling enslaved to the King of all Evil and who paid for that crime with its life.
"Excellent," she hears her sister—her own sister!—say. "Now let's get going. We're already thirteen chapters in and we're not even inside the castle yet."
"It is most certainly not excellent!" Riana blurts out, and her slender, perfectly sculpted frame shakes as she begins to weep. "A living creature had to die!"
"Well then, bring it back to life and let's get going," Link sighs, and he dumps the bird's body unceremoniously onto the ground. "We all know you can do it."
Riana stops crying immediately and stares at him. "What did you say?"
"What I meant," Link explains, sounding as bored as she has ever heard him, "is that you are going to cry about it dying for a minute, and then you'll cry about our coldhearted lack of concern. We'll turn to go, and you'll begin glowing, and little flower petals will swirl around you and then swirl around the bird. It will slowly open its eyes—which will not be glowing red any longer—and then, as you dramatically clap your hands to your mouth in wonder, it will suddenly become a beautiful brightly-colored songbird and will fly away, chirping the lullaby your birth mother sang to you only once while you were a baby and yet somehow you remember note for note."
"How did you—" Riana begins hotly.
Link interrupts her. "Are you coming? 'Cause we're leaving." And he and Zelda walk back through the curtain of vines.
Riana glares after the pair of them and starts forward too, but before she has gone two steps, she spins on her heel, raises the bird to life in a swirl of pink rose petals, transforms it into a bluebird with such vivid color that it would blind a normal person, and then continues her march to the other side of the vines with the bird's twittering rendition of "Riana's Lullaby" in her ears.
Also of little concern to the plot is the fact that if Link were to ever learn "Riana's Lullaby" and play it on the Ocarina of Time, he would become immortal, and Ganondorf would repent of his evil ways and dedicate the rest of his life to charity.
Sheik had never felt so humiliated in his life.
First off, he had completely blown his exit. He was lucky that Zelda hadn't seemed to realize he was still in the room, and he was even luckier that she had decided to open the window. Even though she would never know what had happened when Sheik tried and failed to vanish, it would continue to bother him for a while. His pride in his work was in shambles.
Then there was that whole business about falling. Sheik had never liked heights in the first place, but free-falling towards an ocean of blood-tipped spikes made it infinitely worse. At least he was still alive—how, he wasn't sure, but alive nonetheless. He could only assume that the author needed him for a later scene.
Now he was standing in the random spike-free area where he had just happened to land, furiously trying everything he could think of to keep his pants, ripped beyond repair by snagging on something as he'd plummeted to what he thought was certain death, from falling down.
It was no use. They were ruined, and no amount of makeshift belts was going to help. It didn't seem like the author was of a mind to give him a conveniently-placed sewing kit—or, more preferably, a department store—either.
There was nothing else to do. Sheik was going to have to head back into Ganondorf's castle and search for some replacement pants.
Filled to the brim with shame, Sheik began to make his way to the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil with his red-and-white Triforce boxers in full view.
This day just kept on getting worse and worse.
Random Henchman #2 looked up at the clock and nearly spit the coffee he had just sipped straight back out.
"W-we're late," he spluttered as he tried to swallow and speak at the same time. "C'mon, we've gotta run! Coffee break's over!"
"Already?" #1 groaned, but #2 didn't reply, just grabbed his arm and dragged him down the dungeon corridor to the prison cells.
"Master Ganondorf is going to be furious if we don't have the top-secret information for him soon," he gasped. "We've really got to make this torture session count!"
"Yeah, somehow, I just don't think this guy is going to crack," #1 muttered as they ran along. "We've tried everything and he just won't say a word."
They rounded the corner and stopped for a second to catch their breaths, then straightened up and slipped back into Professional Henchman mode.
"Alright, pal," #2 called. "You've had your chance. Now we're going to make you wish you'd never been born!"
The henchmen marched into the cell, ready to continue with the torture of the prisoner inside—except that there was no prisoner inside. The cell was empty, and a back door marked "Emergency Exit" was standing ajar.
#1 swore under his breath, then turned to #2. "He escaped!"
#2 snapped back, "He wouldn't have if you hadn't forgotten to lock that stupid door!"
"It was your turn to lock it!" #1 retorted, but then he shook his head. "It doesn't matter. The prisoner is running through this castle somewhere. We have to find him. We can argue about it later."
"But he could be anywhere!" #2 whined.
#1 snorted. "We'll get him back. And when we do…" He slammed his right fist into his left palm. "He'll pay."
The FedEx delivery guy ran down the twisting hallways as fast as his feet could carry him, but the questions running through his mind were faster. Why was he being held prisoner for delivering a package? What information were they trying to get from him? Who were these people, anyway? Total freaks! They were all total freaks, that's who!
He was hardly paying attention to where he was going by this point, so when he ran full speed into Ganondorf, the King of Evil, he screamed more in surprise than in fear as he stumbled backwards.
The Gerudo man, so big and bulky that he hadn't been moved at all, glared at him. "And just where do you think you're going?" he snarled. "You are a prisoner!"
The FedEx man's mouth moved wordlessly for a moment, but then he forced the sounds out. "What do you people want from me?!"
Ganondorf's eyes narrowed. "You are in no position to make demands, fool."
"I don't want to be a prisoner!" the delivery man gasped. "I just wanted to—"
"Of course you want to be a prisoner," Ganondorf interrupted. "That's why you're in the story. You wouldn't have a part otherwise."
"But—but—"
"But what? Is being a prisoner not good enough for you?" Ganondorf snapped. "Maybe I should just dispose of you right here and now. Maybe we really don't need that information of yours after all."
"I don't have any information! I keep telling you that!" the FedEx man cried.
The King of Evil blinked. "You don't? Then why are we keeping you prisoner?"
"You shouldn't be! Just let me go!"
"I can't," Ganondorf said after a moment's consideration. "It isn't very evil to let you go free."
The delivery guy's shoulders drooped a little. "But…"
"Say, I know," Ganondorf said, his face lighting up a little. "I was going to send out my second-in-command to fight Link, the Hero of Time, in just a little bit, but then I remembered that I don't have a second-in-command. Do you have any experience in fighting guys with swords twice your height and weight and the blessings of the goddesses?"
"What?"
"Oh, and he's got a Mary Sue bothering him."
"N-now, just hold on a second," the FedEx man stuttered, completely taken aback. "I think I'd rather be a p-prisoner if it means I don't have to—"
"Excellent!" Ganondorf said cheerily, clapping his large, meaty hand on the delivery man's shoulder and nearly driving him to the floor. "You don't know how worried I was about that whole second-in-command business. I've been trying to get a hold of Dark Link for ages, but I just kept getting his voicemail."
"I really d-don't think this is such a good idea," the FedEx man managed.
"Nonsense! You'll do just fine," the King of Evil said confidently. "All you need to do is stand in the entrance hall of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil. When Link and the others come through the door, tell them that you've been expecting them. Then all you need to do is pull out whatever evil magic weapon you do battle with and attempt to kill the Hero of Time, even though he will eventually slice you to death and come after me. Really, there's nothing to it."
"He's going to kill me?!"
"Make me proud," Ganondorf commanded. He gave the delivery man a curt nod, and then he deftly swirled his cape around himself and disappeared through a set of wooden double doors hung with bloodied chains.
The FedEx man felt like he was about to faint. Maybe escaping hadn't been such a good idea after all. If only he had a way out of this… if only he didn't have to be a part of the cast anymore, but could fade into the blissful obscurity of the secondary characters who have already served their purpose in the plot and are no longer needed…
Behind him, a door creaked open, and a hoarse voice whispered, "Psst… are you looking for a means of escape?"