Now, do you all remember the Keese from a couple chapters ago? The one Link sucked up with the Gust Jar? IT RETURNS NOW!

Zelda: And how is this so important?

Look at the chapter title.

Zelda: But what does the Link Muteness Factor have to do with a Keese?

You remember the original, no?

Zelda: Oh! My favorite chapter!

Heeheehee…now watch. Castle.

Link: ZELDA!

Castle.

Link: Zelda.

Castle.

Link: Zelda.

Zelda: Huh?

Link: Oh, hi Zel!

Zelda: You mean you didn't see me before? Then why were you saying my name?

Well, whenever someone says "Castle"-

Link: Zelda.

Zelda: What?

Link: I dunno!

…Whenever someone says Kastl, he says your name.

Zelda: Why did you misspell Castle?

Link: Zelda!

Zelda: SPIT IT OUT ALREADY YOU SANTA'S ELF REJECT!

LINK: I DON'T KNOW WHAT!

HOLD ON YOU TWO, MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK!

LINK: FIX IT YET?

ZELDA: OBVIOUSly no-hey! That was in the middle of a word!

What, you wanna be in all caps? And I said Kastl instead of Castle-

Link: Zelda!

…because of that.

Zelda: Goddesses, let's start already! This nonsense has taken up about a fourth of the chapter already!

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"I don't see a cinematic anywhere," said Link, squinting.

Ezlo rolled his eyes. "Three more feet, bimbo."

Three feet ahead, we see King Daltus trying to call Pizza hut using a Singer Sewing Machine, when Vaati ambushes him.

"Must be the wind." Link dismissed the cinematic.

"You really are dense, you know that?" Ezlo groaned. "Now, we need to get the Pegasus Boots in town, 'kay?"

" 'Kay." Link shuffled into town nonchalantly.

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The town was as bustling as usual, but something was awry…could it be the Postman selling kumquats?

"Kumquats!" hawked the Postman. "Kumquats!" He tripped on a cat, which scratched up an old lady, whose cane hit the girl who's always standing by the town bell, who fell on top of Samus, whose blaster was accidentally fired at a dog, which ran around with its butt on fire into the lady who ran the roulette at the festival, who smashed into a ninja, whose shuriken flew off and hit Link in the rear, who ran around until tripping on a rock and falling into the river.

And we all know Link can't swim…

"OH SHIIIIIIIIT!" cried Ezlo as he was dragged into the water as well. However, for the sake of the story, he was given three seconds of superhuman strength, which allowed him to drag himself—and Link—out of the water.

Ezlo looked at Link…and saw the green-clad boy wasn't breathing!

"Fuckerbuckets! CPR! CPR!" Ezlo yelped as he jumped up and down on top of Link in a desperate attempt to revive him. "Dammit, get up! I don't wanna be sued and mauled to death by fangirls!"

And then a light bulb materialized over Ezlo's head.

"You got…AN IDEA!" announced the purple and turquoise haired ghost as she manifested before Ezlo. "USE IT, GODDESSESDAMMITT!"

Ezlo pulled out the Gust Jar and set to work firing puffs of air into the limp hero, until finally he opened his eyes and gasped….

…And then the Keese from previous chapters plummeted out and into Link's open mouth.

Link blinked in confusion and tried to pull the Keese out, to no avail. And everyone started guffawing their heads off.

"Uh…heehee…L-link, just…hahaha…side quest or sumpin," the phantom giggled.

Ezlo raised an eyebrow. "Who are you, lady?"

The apparition instantly regained her composition. "Why, I am…THE AUTHORESS!"

Anju ran up and shoved the Authoress out of the way. "Mr. Keese-Shoved-Into-Mouth! Can you catch my cuckoos?" Link nodded. "Alright, catch 8059428419404285 Cuckoos in 5 seconds."

Link only had time to catch one…but it was GOLD!

"NOEZ!" Anju had a heart attack, before surrendering a Piece of Heart, 999 Rupees, and 999 Mysterious Shells.

Link looked particularly happy as he entered the store.

"Hello!" greeted Stockwell. "Sir, could I interest you in…A WII?"

Ezlo's eyes were replaced by glittering stars. "Link! Buy it! Buy it! Buy it!"

Link's eyes were sparkling when he saw it, and all bystanders swore they could hear melodramatic angels singing.

But Stockwell's eyes widened as he laid eyes on the Keese. Unholy special effects started seeping in as the shopkeeper cried two words: "COUSIN CHARLIE!"

And Stockwell was no more, but in his place stood none other than Dracula!

"I command you to spit my cousin OUT!" commanded Dracula as he tugged on the Keese. "I will hang you from the tallest spire of my castle-"

Link's eyes widened. "MMRIMPHESS SELMMA!"

"Eh?" Dracula raised an eyebrow.

Ezlo sighed. "He does that."

"Oh." Awkward silence followed.

"FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU!" exclaimed a frustrated Numdenu as she came in and pulled Charlie out of Link's mouth.

Link's eyes widened and he grinned. "YES! I CAN TALK!" He turned on a radio and began to sing along to the Numa Numa song.

"OHEMGEE!" Numdenu cried as she joined in.

Ezlo hid under the table. "GODDESSES, MAKE IT STOP!"

"vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay

numa numa i-ay numa numa numa i-ay

kipul tow she dragosta din tay, ma mintesc day oki ti-ay!"

Dracula spontaneously combusted due to Link's horrible singing, leaving behind a pair of Pegasus Boots as "Epic Loot."

Sadly, the Numa Numa song ended.

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Ah, Numa Numa. I'm obsessed, I know. D

Zelda: Please review! You know you want to….

Fun Fact: This chapter is the closest to the original of all written so far. About the only really new thing is Numa Numa.