Tears of Love

Chapter II "Vivid Memory"

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Laguna sat with his jaw nearly faltering. His quiet moment was suddenly interrupted by his grandson's frustrated cry. Terrified if he had hurt him, Laguna handed him to Quistis. Once the baby felt her arms he silenced.

"He really can't stand to be away from you for too long." Laguna chuckled.

Quistis didn't reply. She simply held her son tight in her arms and looked down on the floor, she couldn't bring herself to look up.

Laguna licked his dry lips. "Why...err–why don't you want Squall to know? I mean–was it–um–"

"I don't want him to know because," Quistis trailed off as she looked out the window. She almost didn't want to remember what had happened, it was hurting too much. But she promised she would tell Laguna. He, at least, deserved to know. "I know he's happier not knowing."

Laguna frowned. "How can you say that? I mean he'll probably–"

"I know Squall." Quistis interrupted. "I know what he likes, hates, what annoys him, and what he loves."

Laguna nearly inched his chair closer to Quistis for two reasons. One, she was speaking so softly he nearly couldn't hear her. Second, the suspense was killing him.

"Squall's happy. He's the commander of Balamb Garden. He's most famous for being the leader of the SeeD's that brought down Ultimecia. And he has his girlfriend."

The surprised look on Laguna's face nearly made Quistis smile. Chuckling sadly, she nodded. "Of course, Squall didn't cheat on her. He would never cheat on her. He loves her so much."

"But how did...um...you know."

The baby in Quistis' arms yawned and closed his eyes. Quistis maneuvered him so he would be more comfortable. Smiling weakly, the blonde took a long sip from her water bottle before she began her story.

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Quistis nibbled on her sandwich as she turned the page of a journal. She had been stuck in the library with nothing else to do but read on the latest journals about GF's and their apparent negative affects, especially on frequent users memories.

The eighteen year old finished her sandwich and felt her back cramp up. She placed the journal on the desk in front of her and stretched her arms above her head as she arched her back. After feeling the satisfied crack, Quistis sat up to clean off her study area. With the trash in the garbage can, Quistis returned the journal to its shelf.

"Hey, did you hear about the commander and his girlfriend?"

Quistis' ears perked. She stood up straight and pretended to search the shelf for another journal. Eavesdropping was rude, but curiosity got the best of her.

"No!" a girls high pitched voice whispered. "What happened?"

The girl that brought up the gossip, as Quistis saw through the gaps of the bookshelf, grinned. "Well you know the commander and his girlfriend had been so close since he saved the world and everything."

Quistis couldn't help but roll her eyes. Although Squall did lead everyone against Ultimecia, still he didn't do all the work.

"Apparently his girlfriend dumped him."

The other girl gasped. "No! But they were so close!"

"It's true. She dumped him and took off."

Quistis didn't bother to continue eavesdropping. Never had she ever wanted Selphie nearby. The hyperactive girl always had the latest gossip. Quistis barely reached the center of the Garden when she felt someone grip her shoulders. Looking up, Quistis was face to face with the very girl she was hoping to turn into.

"Quisty!" Selphie exclaimed. "Have you seen Squall?"

The taller woman shook her head. "Sorry, I haven't seen him. Is something wrong?"

Selphie let go of her arms, but her eyes got bigger. "It's terrible. Rinoa called their relationship off. She took the first train to Deiling, but we haven't been able to find Squall. He's not in his dorm, Zell's been knocking for fifteen minutes straight. By the second minute Squall would've punched him. Irvine and I have been searching everywhere."

Quistis nearly blinked in surprise. Selphie managed to explain the whole story in one breath. "Did you check the Training Center?"

"Yes."

"Outside of the Garden?"

"Zell left a few hours ago to search around Balamb City, but returned without any news."

Quistis knew there would be only one place he would be. "Could I help you guys search for him?"

"Of course, Quisty." Selphie smiled. "I was on my way to the second floor."

The older woman nodded. Once Selphie was out of eyeshot, Quistis headed for the Training Center.

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Squall, as Quistis suspected, sat alone in the secret area. He heard someone walk beside him, but he didn't glance to see who it was.

Quistis immediately noticed the dark circles under his eyes and his wet eyelashes. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but she couldn't figure out what to say. In all honesty, she could never understand how he was feeling. Sure, she knew how it felt to be rejected, but her experience was completely different than Squalls. Quistis was rejected by a one sided love. Or at least she thought it was love. She dismissed her feelings as a sisterly love, but her feelings were too complicated to figure out then. Perhaps that was the reason for Quistis' eagerness to stay busy. If she was busy she didn't have any time to ponder about her true feelings for Squall. However, Squall was rejected by someone he truly loved, someone that harbored the same feelings as he.

"Squall." Quistis winced at the sound of her own voice. She didn't want to say anything, but she lost control of herself for one moment and deeply regretted it.

Squall's shoulders stiffened. "Save it." He replied coldly. Just leave, he thought.

Quistis bit her tongue before she could say anything more. Nodding slightly, she started to leave, but she stopped at the doorframe. "If you ever...need to get it off your chest I'll...always be that wall you can talk to. You may not believe it, but talking about it helps a lot."

With that, she left Squall alone to drown in his thoughts.

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The next few days Squall continued to sulk in private. Selphie, Zell, and Irvine always tried to plan ways to cheer him up, but Quistis promised them to just stay out of it.

"Just give him time to absorb everything. It may take some time, but just leave him alone for a while." Quistis had argued. Reluctantly they agreed, but Selphie promised she would still keep a close eye on him.

Squall took some time off from his duties as commander, and he refused a couple of missions. Quistis grew worried as she noticed his physical appearance grew worse. His hair grew long, he looked very strange with a beard growing, and he stopped going to the cafeteria for meals.

The others didn't notice, obviously since they were still kept busy with missions. But Quistis had nothing else to do but to watch him. Eventually, she started taking him some meals to his dorm. At first she would place his food on the floor and knock on the door before sprinting out of sight. Squall always opened the door, and he always took the food.

But one day Quistis decided to take her food to her dorm as well. SeeD exams were approaching and students only took time off from studying at meal times, so the cafeteria would overfill. Quistis wanted to have a peaceful meal, so she took her food to go, along with Squalls. When she reached his dorm, she was nearly scared out of her skin when Squall suddenly opened his door before she could knock on it.

Squall nearly looked like a caveman with his long hair and beared, and Quistis nearly giggled. "So it's been you. I had a feeling it would be you."

Quistis blinked. "I–uh–brought you your dinner." She offered him a bag filled with a burger, fries, and a canned coke.

Squall accepted the bag. He almost felt like shutting the door on Quistis' face, but instead he asked her something none of them expected, "Would you...like to come in?"

Mouth open in awe, Quistis stood shocked for a split second before she smiled weakly and nodded. She stepped inside and took a seat on Squall's bed. Although Squall didn't care for his appearance, he still kept his room clean and neat.

Squall sat by his window and dug into his bag. He started with his fries. Quistis followed his lead and unwrapped her burger.

They ate in silence for several moments. It killed Quistis, but she couldn't think of anything to say. And as weird as it was she enjoyed eating alone with Squall.

"She cheated on me."

Quistis nearly choked on her coke and spilled some on her shirt. As she dabbed herself with a napkin, she stared at Squall.

Squall didn't look at her, he kept his eyes glued to the floor. He already finished eating. Swallowing hard, he continued, "She admitted it after her trip to visit her father."

He stood up and tossed his empty bag in a trash can near his door. He walked back to his window and kept his attention to the stars. "She ran into him. Of all places, Seifer was staying at Deiling. They ran into each other and as kind as Rinoa is, she couldn't help but talk to him. They would meet frequently for meals, and Rinoa said she kept their appearances in a friendly manner. But he got the wrong signal. He thought she was living at Deiling. He thought we were no longer together. Before they knew it, they slept with each other!"

Squall ended his last sentence by punching the wall. A huge feeling of pity swelled in Quistis' chest. She wished she could say something to comfort Squall, anything, but her brain continued to fail her.

Exhaling deeply, Squall turned and finally looked at Quistis. "This...feeling. Is this how you felt after I...after what I said that day?"

Quistis arched an eyebrow. Remembering what he meant, she opened her mouth in a small "oh". "No–I mean...well–kind of. But not as–"

"I'm sorry."

Quistis looked up in surprise with her eyes wide. She pinched herself and half expected to wake up from a dream. Then she looked down and said, "Don't be. Forgive and forget."

Squall sat down. Strangely, he did feel better. Half of him felt like swelling up in self pity again, but the other half felt relieved.

The ex-instructor stood up and tossed her empty bag in the trash as well. She kept her attention on Squall's bowed head. "I'm sorry about everything. I wish it hadn't happened. If anything, I'd do anything to help make you feel better. I can even bring Seifer's head on a gold platter if you wish, or if you prefer I simply bring him tied up so you can have the pleasure of killing him then that's fine too."

Squall smiled weakly.

Quistis really felt like she was in an alternate reality. First, Squall invited her into his room. Second, he apologized. And finally, he smiled. He never smiled to anyone or anything unless he was with Rinoa.

Thinking about her made Quistis' neck hairs stand up. Her hand balled up into a fist. She never really liked Rinoa, but she was glad to see her change Squall and fill the gap in his life. Now, because of her, Squall was showing some signs of depression. Before she became aware of it, Squall asked, "Why are you crying?"

Quistis touched her face in surprise. Tears were falling and she didn't even feel them. "I...I'm sorry."

Squall snorted. "What do you have to be sorry for? I was the one dumped, remember?"

Quistis shook her head. "No, I just wished you wouldn't have to be going through this."

"What did you do...you know, to get over this feeling." Squall asked as he looked at himself in a mirror.

"You don't want to do what I did. I just ran away. I always kept myself busy so I wouldn't think about it." Quistis mentally kicked herself and placed her hand on her mouth. Why did she just blurt her secret out loud? After a moment she cleared her throat. "I can't exactly give you an instant cure, I can never understand what you're truly going through, but what I can say is that you're not alone. You'll always have the others. They care a lot for you. And you always have me. It may take some time, but everyone gets through it. Even though it may feel like you can never get over it, there's always an exit at the end of the tunnel."

Squall looked at Quistis. Before he always saw her as his instructor, and could never see her as anything on the same level as he. But after what they both endured during the war, he was finally able to see her as a friend, rather than his teacher. And now he started to see her in a new light.

"Now we may have to do something about your hair." Quistis grinned. She grabbed Squall's arm and pulled him into his bathroom. His shaving cream and razor were on the sink.

Again, Quistis couldn't control herself as she sprayed some shaving cream in her hand. When she faced Squall she smiled, "Trust me."

Nodding, Squall stayed quiet as Quistis shaved his beard. When Quistis said "ta-da" he still couldn't recognize himself in the mirror with his long hair.

The blonde woman opened random drawers until she found a pair of scissors. Then she pulled Squall and forced him to sit on the toilet as she clipped his hair shorter. She was no expert at cutting hair, but she had plenty of practice when she was younger. When she was a student she hated taking time to go to Balamb City for hair cuts, so she preferred to cut her hair herself.

Finished, Squall took a look at himself. His hair was still a little bit longer than how he normally kept it, but she feared of cutting it shorter and messing it up. Dark circles were still under his eyes, but those would go away within time.

Quistis smiled. "This is the first step to recovering. Now, the second thing you should–"

Squall interrupted by placing his lips over hers hard. Quistis pulled away instantly with a very shocked expression, but then her mind fogged. Squall's face was within inches of hers, his warm chest against hers, and she could still feel his arms griping her own. He pulled away and opened his mouth, most likely to apologize, but Quistis silenced him by pulling his shirt and placing her lips on his in return.

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The sound of a phone ringing startled Quistis awake. She sat up and regretted it soon after when she was hit by a dizzy spell. Groaning, she rubbed her eyes. The phone continued to ring.

Since when did she have a phone? SeeD dorms didn't have phones, and Quistis had no need for a cell phone. So where was the sound coming from? The ringing stopped and then Quistis heard Squall's voice. She couldn't tell if he grunted or asked "what".

Quistis looked beside her and her eyes widened. She and Squall were on his bed. As small as it was, they both laid on it comfortably. And worse, Quistis felt no clothes between her skin and the bed sheets.

"Squall?" Quistis instantly recognized Rinoa's voice over the phone.

Squall sat up in bed and gripped the phone tight. "Rinoa?"

Seeing Squall's naked body nearly made her feel nauseated. Did they sleep together? Now why couldn't she remember it? Just then more images of their activities the previous night nearly made her feel sick again.

"Ok, bye." Squall hung up the phone and got up. He didn't say anything to Quistis, or even acknowledge her presence. He stepped into the bathroom and started the shower. Then he asked, "Are you coming in?"

Sighing in relief, Quistis untangled herself from the bed sheets and joined Squall.

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That week Quistis never felt so happy. She and Squall never told anyone of their "involvement", and they never planned to. Squall still kept himself locked in his room, but he looked like he was getting some sleep again, and he started going to the cafeteria for meals again. He never tried to talk to Quistis again, but she didn't mind. She still knew to give him his space, but she never did get a chance to ask him what Rinoa wanted.

By the second week Quistis began to feel sick. The first day she dismissed it as a twenty four hour flu, by the third day she dismissed her illness as stress, she accepted an offer from Cid to fill in for an instructor that was on leave for a few days, even as a substitute instructor she was left with numerous grading. By the eighth day Quistis didn't just feel nauseated during the day, she began to feel sore as well, along with several other problems. By then Quistis feared the worse, pregnancy. She knew she and Squall used no protection, but she always thought pregnancy symptoms were present in the first week. Now she grew worried, but didn't want to say anything to Squall.

Going to Dr. Kadowaki was too risky, Quistis didn't want the whole Garden to know what she and Squall had done. He was going through enough already. So Quistis decided to visit a doctor from Balamb City. The doctor confirmed her pregnancy.

Nearly shaking with nerves, Quistis returned to Garden and searched for Squall. But when she reached the hall that led to the dorms she saw Rinoa approach her.

"Quistis!" Rinoa waved. She hugged Quistis tightly. "It's been so long since I've seen you. How are you doing?"

I'm pregnant, Quistis thought. "Great, I'm great. How are you?"

Rinoa smiled brightly and nearly jumped up and down, as something Selphie would often do when extremely happy. "I'm moving back into Garden. Squall and I had our problems, but now we're trying to work them out. We've gotten back together!"

Quistis nearly had to sprint for the nearest bathroom, but she kept her composure. She forced a smile. "That's fantastic, I'm glad to hear that."

Rinoa nodded and hugged Quistis again, which only made her feel more nauseated. "I'll see you around, I'm meeting Squall up in his office so we can talk to Cid about my return."

Quistis decided to head to her own dorm rather than Squalls. She threw herself on her bed and stared at her ceiling. What should she do? If she told Squall it could ruin his chance with Rinoa again. A part of Quistis said to hell with it and wanted to tell Squall anyway, he deserved to know. But then a bigger part of herself said Squall was better off not knowing.

Squall needed Rinoa. It took every ounce of strength and willpower in Quistis to admit that, but she knew Squall was happy with her. Despite Quistis' feelings for him, she knew his happiness was more important than her own.

Decided, Quistis sat up and felt her blood turn into ice. If she stayed news of her pregnancy would still surface eventually. Quistis considered lying, but who could she really say she slept with and got pregnant from as a result? And what if the child resembled Squall? Sure it may take several years to see any parental resemblance in a child, but Quistis couldn't afford to take any risks.

Sighing, Quistis knew what she had to do. If she wanted to keep her pregnancy secret, and keep Squall's happiness, she would have to leave Garden.

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Laguna sat, absolutely stunned. He had no idea what to say. "Quistis..."

The blonde woman shook her head. "I want him to be happy. He's happy with her. If he knew, if Rinoa knew...I don't even want to think what would happen."

Laguna sat straighter and his face became more stern. "But it happened when he and Rinoa were separated, they can still understand."

Quistis shook her head. "They could or could not. I just don't want to take that risk, and I made my decision when I left SeeD."

Sighing in defeat, Laguna leaned back in his seat and massaged his temples. He of all people knew what it was like to go through life without knowing his own child, and he just didn't want to see his son go through the same thing. "What of your son? What will you tell him the day he asks about his father?"

"I plan to tell him the truth. I lied to Squall. I lied to my friends, my family, my home. I cannot lie to my son."

Laguna nodded. He nearly felt teary for Quistis, Squall, and their son. He hated to see this situation. "What if he wanted to see Squall?"

Quistis bit her lip. "If he wants to see him, then I have no choice but to come clean then. By then I just hope Squall and Rinoa's bond will be too strong to be scratched by my lie."

"Quistis." Laguna whispered. He knew he couldn't say anything to change her mind. She gave up and went through so much to turn back now. Funny how Laguna was able to see Rain in Quistis. Shaking his head, Laguna said, "If there's anything I can do to help, anything, don't hesitate to ask."

Smiling, the ex-SeeD shook her head. "Thank you Laguna, but I'm fine."

Laguna frowned. "Money? I have plenty, to help out with anything you need, or even want. You deserve to engorge yourself. Even if you need to hire a nanny, a maid, anything!"

"I'm fine, really." Quistis smiled. "I'm serious, we both live very comfortably."

Laguna scratched his chin. "Then, then let me at least offer you a job. Living off of your SeeD income savings can last a few years, but when he grows up and starts school you can work for me."

Quistis thought about the offer. She would need a job in a few years. "That sounds great, thank you."

"No problem!" Laguna grinned. "I have the perfect job and it'll always be available for you. And! And, consider this as a present for you and my grandson."

Laguna stood up and ran behind his desk. He typed into the computer for a moment and printed something out. He gave the paper to Quistis, which resulted in her eyes widening.

"Before you say anything, take this as a belated birthday gift to you both. I will not take no for an answer."

Quistis stared at a picture of a beautiful small home. "But I can't–"

"No, no. You won't accept money, but you will take this house. Even if I have to get you kicked out of your apartment and warn everyone in town to refuse to give you a place to live I will."

Quistis laughed, and nearly broke into tears. "Alright, but I will have to pay for the utilities."

"Deal." Laguna grinned and shook Quistis' hand.

Standing, Quistis and Laguna hugged for a long moment before she turned to leave his office. They agreed she would need a few days to pack before she could move in, and of course for Laguna to take care of the paperwork for the house.

"Oh, before you leave Quistis, I just have one more thing to ask."

"Yes?"

"My grandson, what's his name?"

Quistis smiled. Looking down at the sleeping baby in her hands she answered, "Laramie."

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A/N: I apologize for the long chapter, I wasn't expecting it to turn out this long. If it's too long feel free to tell me so, I will gladly break it into two chapters.