The Princess Chapter 9: Enter The Princess, a samurai pizza cats fanfic

Songs are taken from The Mikado.

Scene 3

The main courtyard of Little Tokyo.

ROYAL ANNOUNCER enters holding a scroll, which he unrolls

ROYAL ANNOUNCER:

Announcing the Empress of our fair town of Little Tokyo, the ruler of all that is living (and not on Prisoner's Island,) her most exalted head, Princess Violet of Little Tokyo!! (steps aside)

[March — Enter procession, starting with two FANFARE TRUMPET PLAYERS, heralding PRINCESS VIOLET, with her MAIN HANDMAIDEN in the back. Two bodyguards proceeds, followed by various SERVANTS and HANDMAIDENS. VIOLET is a vain and very spoiled 18 year old with a bad temper and a passion for shopping and clothes. She is riding on a gold sedan chair with a jeweled canopy carried by SERVANTS. LUCIELLE is following close behind her. CHORUS lines up along the streets to welcome her.

Chorus:
Miya sama, miya sama,
On n'm-ma no mayé ni
Pira-Pira suru no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tonyaré tonyaré na?

Miya sama, miya sama,
On n'm-ma no mayé ni
Pira-Pira suru no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tonyaré tonyaré na?

PRINCESS
From every kind of man
Obedience I expect;
I'm the Emperess of Little Tokyo —

HANDMAIDEN:
And I'm her Head Handmaiden elect!
She'll blow up if things are not as she said,
(she'll send you to Prisoner's Island with no regret)
Says the Handmaiden elect!

PRINCESS
My morals have been declared
Particularly correct;

HANDMAIDEN:
And you had better listen and respect them, or,
To Prisoner's Island go you to fore !
Bow — Bow —
To the Mighty Princess of Little Tokyo!

CHORUS:
Bow — Bow —
To the Mighty Princess of Little Tokyo!

PRINCESS:
In a motherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway —

HANDMAIDEN:
Except the ones who she does elect!
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is our Princess of Little Tokyo!

PRINCESS:
My nature is love and light —
My freedom from all defect —

HANDMAIDEN:
Is insignificant quite,
Compared with whoever makes her temper erect!
Bow — Bow —
To the Princess of Little Tokyo!

CHORUS:
Bow — Bow —
To the Princess of Little Tokyo!

PRINCESS (screaming):

I'm HOT!! IT'S SO HOT AROUND HERE!! WHERE IS MY WATER, I WANT SOME WATER!!

LUCIELLE (with glass of water):

Princess Vi, oh Princess Vi! (hands her water) Here!

PRINCESS (takes water):

Thanks. (drinks water and then motions for her SERVENTS to set down her chair. She gets off.) OK, here you go, (gives them money) 1,000 yen apiece. Now back to the sewers with ya! (looks around as they exit. CHORUS kneels down in front of her and starts worshipping her) Stop that, you're all making me dizzy.

(BIG CHEESE enters then and bows low)

BIG CHEESE:

Good day to you. Oh your Highness, Dear Princess Vi, what a wonderful surprise! What brings you to bear your beautiful self to our fair city of Little Tokyo?

PRINCESS:
Cheese, cut the crap!

BIG CHEESE:
At once your Highness!

PRINCESS:

Actually, you're not the first stop on my inspection tour here of Little Tokyo! (music starts) I need to talk to Al Dante first, have you seen him?

BIG CHEESE:

He's finishing filling out an avidavidt for me.

PRINCESS:

You finally performed an execution! Congraulations!

BIG CHEESE:

Yes, your Highness. He'll be along quickly, we all know you we don't want to be sent to Prisoner's Island!

PRINCESS:

They'd best not!

(sings)
A more humane Princess never
Did in Tokyo exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time —
To let the punishment fit the crime —
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!

All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to Prisoner's Island,
With horrid tortures
Who act from ten till four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.

The lady who dyes a chemical yellow
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figure,
Is painted with vigour
And permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window-panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains.

CHORUS:
Her object all sublime
She will achieve in time —
To let the punishment fit the crime —
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!

PRINCESS:
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I've enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.

The billiard sharp who any one catches,
His doom's extremely hard —
He's made to dwell —
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue
And elliptical billiard balls!

CHORUS:
Hr object all sublime
She will achieve in time —
To let the punishment fit the crime —
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!

BIG CHEESE:

Of course, your Highness

PRINCESS:

Well, as long as you're here, Big Cheese (hits hand with fan) REPORT!!!

(AL DANTE arrives with huge piece of paper. JERRY ATRIC appears behind him)

BIG CHEESE:

Well, it's about time! (snatches paper) Well, Her Majesty is here, where are your manners?!

AL DANTE (bows low):

Your Highness.

JERRY ATRIC (bows):

Your Highness.

PRINCESS (music starts):

Well, let's hear it.

BIG CHEESE (sings):
The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm -
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,
I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled,
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee,
My snickersnee!

Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shrieked he,
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee!

(LUCIELLE starts to read the death certificate)

CHORUS:
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales —
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.

AL DANTE:
He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn't deserve;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve;
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebrae,
His vertebrae!

When a man's afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see;
And it's oh, I'm glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me!

CHORUS:
Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.

JERRY ATRIC:
Now though you'd have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred,
And bowed three times to me!
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree,
Of pedigree!

And it's oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn't forget
The deference due to me!

CHORUS:
This haughty youth,
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!
Exactly, exactly, exactly,
Exactly as he says!

[Exeunt CHORUS

PRINCESS:

Impressive! Now, Al you're just the one I wanted to see! I need you to summon the Pizza Cats. I need to talk to them! (AL DANTE looks uncomfortable)

AL DANTE:

The,….the Pizza Cats?

PRINCESS:

Yeah, I need to talk to them. Where aree they?

AL DANTE:

Well…uh…see…uh…I can get Guido for you, he should be here any minute.

PRINCESS:

I need to talk to ALL THREE! Where are Speedy and Polly?

AL DANTE:

Uhh…

(LUCIELLE starts to scream and kneel down in tears)

PRINCESS:

What? WHAT?!

LUCIELLE:
Alas!! Alas! Oh God, oh God!!! NOOO!!!!!

PRINCESS:

What? What…(LUCIELLE studders) What? WHAT HAPPENED?!?! TELL ME ASND DON'T TYOU DARE FIRE THOSE MISSLES OR YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO PRISONER'S ISLAND!!! TELL ME!!!

LUCIELLE (showing her death certificate):

Look, look oh woe the day!!!

PRINCESS (takes Death Certificate and reads it):

WHAT?!?! Wha…how…Speedy?!?! YOU KILLED SPEEDY?!

BIG CHEESE (studders nervously):

Uh..uh..he flirted..that's against the law..isn't it, your Highness?

PRINCESS:

BUT SPEEDY WAS OUR SAMURAI!! THE BEST SAMURAI WE EVER HAD?!?! WHERE'S POLLY?! WHAT CAN SHE SAY ABOUT THIS…(LUCIELLE begins to shake and stir whole sobbing) OH GOD TAKE HER AWAY, TAKE HER AWAY QUICKLY BEFORE SHE BLOWS US ALL UP!!!!(LUCIELLE is taken away by NINJA CROWS and soon an ex0plosion is heard) NOW FOR YOU…..WHERE'S POLLY?!

(FRANCINE rushes in crying)

FRANCINE:
Oh woe the day!! Oh terrible time!!!

PRINCESS:
What now?!?!

FRANCINE:

She's dead! Alack the day, she's dead she's dead!!

PRINCESS:

WHO'S dead?!?! What happened?!

FRANCINE:

Polly!! Oh Polly!!! Oh God!

PRINCESS:

What now?! What happened to Polly?!

FRANCINE:

She's dead! I found her in her room. Apparently she was so distraught over Speedy;s execution she committed hira-kiri!

BIG CHEESE (whispering to FRANCINE):

You're not helping!

FRANCINE:

I'm doing what you told me to do!

AL DANTE:

Princess..please!!

PRINCESS:

PLASE WHAT?! YOU KILLED ONE OF MY SAMURAI, BUT NOW ANOTHER ONE HAS KILLD HERSELF, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!?! YOU BRAIN DAD IDIOT, DON'T YOU EVER THINK!! SAMURAIS DON';T EVER GO AHGINST THE LAW, YOU JUST WNT AND KILLED HIM WITHOUT EVEN LISTENING TO HIS SIDE OF IT, WITHOUT THINING HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN FRAMED?!?! NOW TWO ARE DEAD, NOT JUST ONE!! ONLY ONE IS LEFT!!! THE RESCUE TEAM ARE BACKUPS!! WE ONLY HAVE ONE SAMURAI!!!

BIG CHEESE:
Let us explain, oh Princess.

(music starts)

PRINCESS:

The only thing you're gonna explain is how I'm gonna punish you, cause Prisoner Island sounds TOO GOOD for you!! I gave you a second chanc and now two of our finest bravest heroes are dead cause of you!!!

BIG CHEESE:

But, Princess..

PRINCESS:

YOU'RE FIRED!!!! (TO HANDMAIDEN): GET ME SOME WATER!!!! (she does so. PRINCESS swallows quickly)

PRINCESS (sings) :
See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy — B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!

AL DANTE, BIG CHEESE, JERRY ATRIC
Is B more worthy?

LUCIELLE (entering)
I should say
He's worth a great deal more than A.

ALL:
Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!

AL DANTE, BIG CHEESE, JERRY ATRIC
If I were Fortune — which I'm not —
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in miserie —
That is, assuming I am B.

PRINCESS and LUCIELLE:
But should A perish?

AL DANTE, BIG CHEESE, JERRY ATRIC
That should be
(Of course, assuming I am B).

ALL:
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!

PRINCESS (to servents):

Tie all of these traitors up and carry them to my Palace. I'll decide on a horrid, murderous punishent for them!!!

FRANCINE (gasping):

Wait!

AL DANTE (as he's being tied up):

Francine, go find Guido!!! We need him to get Polly and Speedy back! Quick, get Guido!!! (they are being lead of)

FRANCIN:
Right, get Guido!! (she runs off)