Rememberance

So, my first FY fanfic... In case you didn't pay attention to the summary... WARNING: This story currently contains relations between two males. This chapter goes no further than kissing but later chapters will be graphic. If this offends (or you're too young to read) please turn back now.

This takes place after the series is complete (and ignores OVA 3 completely) so it contains spoilers for pretty much everything.

Tasuki, Chichiri, Kouji and anyone else I use belong to the talented Yuu Wataste, not me I just borrow them.

Tasuki regrets showing his feelings for Chichiri too soon and causing him to leave. He allows his memories of Chichiri to take over him for the first time in two months and nearly looses control. Will he be able to be brought back from the brink of destruction?

He wandered through the hallways with no purpose. He just wanted to find a place apart from the laughter of the other bandits. Sake held no joy for him now, nothing did anymore. Not since he had left. Tasuki had taken to wandering the halls of Mount Reikaku at night while Kouji and the other bandits got drunk. Kouji had complained that Tasuki brought down the atmosphere and made everyone depressed when he drank with them now. Tasuki laughed mirthlessly as he remembered that night a week ago.

"Hey, Genrou!" Kouji was slurring his speech after having far too much sake. Tasuki sighed and turned to face his friend.
"Yeah, Kouji?"
"How come ya don't get drunk like ya used to? Yer depressin' everyone, buddy."

Tasuki shook his head now at his own stupidity. Kouji wasn't trying to hurt him; he'd just been drunk out of his mind. He winced as the rest of the memory came back to him.

Tasuki glared at the drunken Kouji. He wasn't completely drunk himself, but was drunk enough to become angry even easier than he normally would have.
"I'm not the same person I was back then." He muttered, trying to keep a handle on his emotions.
"Why not?" Kouji's whine annoyed Tasuki further. He slammed his fists on the table.
"Because of all the shit that happened to me Kouji! Damn it you weren't there, you can't understand! I had to fuckin' watch friends die, Kouji! And now I've screwed things up with the only other person in the whole fuckin' world who understands!" Tasuki stood and left the room, leaving Kouji and the other bandits gaping after him.

Tasuki had apologised to Kouji the next morning and been forgiven easily. Kouji had been too drunk to really remember what had been said anyway. Turning another corner Tasuki stopped, suddenly shocked at where his feet had carried him. They knew this route far too well; anytime his mind had been troubled they would take him here. He stared into the room where he had stayed for the time that had been both sweet and painful for Tasuki. Ever since that night Tasuki had refused to step foot in here, though his feet would insist on carrying him here every few days. Taking a deep breath, Tasuki rested his head on the cool wood of the doorframe.

"It's been so long. Why can't I seem to let you go?" He whispered hoarsely. "Maybe, maybe if I went inside, saw you were really gone, maybe that would show my heart that you're not comin' back." Although the words made sense, Tasuki almost couldn't bring himself to follow them. Breathing heavily he slowly pulled a key from a string around his neck. He fumbled for a few seconds before getting the key to turn and reached for the handle. Turning it seemed to take forever, but with a loud click the door swung inwards. Tasuki closed his eyes and stepped into the room. When he opened them he blinked rapidly, he still couldn't see anything. After a few seconds it hit him, the lamps hadn't been lit in here for two months. Laughing quietly at himself Tasuki went back out into the hall and returned to the room with a torch. Touching it to the lamp beside the door, Tasuki prayed there would still be some oil left in it. The fire caught and he returned the torch to the hallway.

Facing the door once more Tasuki took another deep breath. Going back into the room seemed so much harder now that he knew he would be able to see everything, almost worst than the first time. This is stupid. Yer supposed to be a fuckin' fearless bandit and you can't even go into an empty room? Before his resolve waned again Tasuki almost threw himself into the room. All the lamps inside the room were now lit and Tasuki stopped short in surprise. Heh, figures his magic would still work. He left in such a hurry he didn't have time to take it down. When he'd moved in he had set up a spell that lit several lamps around the room when the one by the door was lit. It was one of his many time saving spells. Tasuki remembered how much many of those spells had helped the bandits and how much they missed them now. That's not all I miss. Tasuki though sadly.

Tasuki glanced now around the room itself. He had given orders that nothing in this room was to be touched and was glad to see his orders had been obeyed. Well why wouldn't they be? You and him were the only ones that had a key. Ahou The room was still in the state of disarray it had been in when Tasuki had come in that day and found him gone. The only thing missing was the note that had lain on the desk. This note was still in the pocket of Tasuki's coat where it had been for the past two months. Tasuki's hand brushed the pocket where it lay hidden but he shook his head. He was not ready for that yet.

He swung the door closed behind him and crossed the room to look out of the window above the small desk. His eyes scanned the stars and quickly found the group he now knew as the Suzaku constellations. Hotohori, Mitsukake, Chiriko, Nuriko, even you, Tamahome, I miss ya all so much. Gods, what a mess I've made of things. If you were here, Nuriko, you'd kick my ass fer bein' such an idiot. Tasuki's eyes were instinctively drawn to the star of Chichiri, the only other seishi still living. He laughed quietly when he found the stars Tasuki and Chichiri were the brightest in the sky. With everythin' that's happened you'd expect those two to be as disconnected from each other as possible. He thought to himself. Drawing his eyes away from the window, Tasuki looked down at the desk and frowned. You'd never have it in such a mess, Chiri. I made ya leave so fast ya never got the chance to straighten the room. Sighing, Tasuki began to straighten the desk. Each empty drawer pulled at his memories as he shut them quietly.
"They used to be full of yer scrolls, Chiri. Suzaku, I miss those scrolls. Hell, I miss everythin' 'bout ya Chiri." He left one drawer open and began gathering the papers that were scattered across the top of the desk together.
"Guess ya didn't think these important enough to take with ya." Tasuki placed the pile in the drawer and closed it with a snap.
"I can still see ya, sat here studyin' quietly while everyone else was drinkin'. All those times I'd come to get ya and end up stayin' talking late into the night instead. Ya had such a way of persuadin' me Chiri."

Having tidied the desk, Tasuki now turned to the rest of the room.
"It's not too bad. Even when yer makin' a mess yer still organised, Chiri." Tasuki suddenly stopped and laughed sadly, it was either laugh or cry and he never cried if he could help it.
"How long have I been talkin' to ya as if ya were still here Chiri? I'm doin' it even now. Habits are hard to break I guess." Shaking his head Tasuki walked over to the closet. The door had been left hanging open, several shirts and trousers were left inside.
"Ya only took a single change of clothes? And none of the ones I gave ya I see." Tasuki swung the door of the closet shut with a loud bang. Chichiri had taken only his spare set of travelling clothes. Tasuki leant against the wall, breathing heavily. I guess he wanted to break all ties with me. Can't say I blame him. God, I fucked this up. Tasuki closed his eyes and let his mind drift. He was in Chichiri's room, surrounded by Chichiri's things and he found himself thinking back to that day two months before when he had lost Chichiri forever.

Tasuki walked along the halls, he was already a little drunk and had decided to bring Chichiri downstairs to join in the fun. He may have dodged me last night, but tonight he is gonna come down. Tasuki thought determinedly as he approached the monk's room. He knocked firmly on the door and waited.
"Come in, Tasuki no da!" Tasuki snorted. The monk always knew who was outside his room.
"Oi, Chiri!" He began as he swung open the door, but the sight that greeted him stopped him short.
"Hai, Tasuki no da?" Tasuki had to remind himself to breathe as he stared down at his friend. Chichiri was sat, cross-legged, on his straw mat, obviously ready to start meditating. He was shirtless and had recently returned from the baths. His hair was still wet and his bangs hung half in his face as he looked up at Tasuki. Small droplets of water beaded on his chest and he was mask less. He looked slightly amused and not at all aware of the effect he was having on Tasuki. Tasuki swallowed quickly and fixed his eyes on his friend's face, which was safe enough.
"Uhh, I wanted to invite ya down, Chiri."
"Tasuki, no da..." Chichiri began but was cut off by Tasuki's earnest voice.
"Come on Chiri! Ya haven't been down in ages, the gang's startin' to think ya don't like 'em any more!"
"Demo... Tasuki..."
"Ya wouldn't have to drink, Chiri. Just come down and have some fun." Chichiri sighed in defeat and stood up slowly, stretching from his cramped position. Tasuki's breath caught in his throat as he watched Chichiri stretch. He didn't have many opportunities to see Chichiri shirtless and liked to make the most of them when he could. He watched Chichiri pull on his shirt and turn towards the bed where his mask lay with a small sigh. Tasuki darted forward and grabbed Chichiri's wrist.
"Ya know I don't like it when ya wear that mask, Chiri." Chichiri looked up at him, slightly annoyed but with a small smile playing around his lips.
"My mask is a part of me, Tasuki no da." He replied.
"Not a necessary one." Tasuki growled back.
"Why does it bother you so much, Tasuki na no da?"
"Because, yer so fuckin' beautiful without it." Tasuki leaned in and caught Chichiri's surprised lips in a fierce kiss.

"Why was I so stupid?" Tasuki covered his face in his hands. "I guess I only did it because of the sake. And the way he was starin' at me. Gods, he was just so beautiful an', fer that one moment, he was mine." Tasuki didn't want to remember what happened next, he wanted to dwell on that kiss, but his mind seemed intent on torturing him further.

The protests made by the rational side of Tasuki's mind were silenced as he continued to kiss Chichiri. This is my one chance. When I pull away he'll probably run away from me. Tasuki deepened the kiss frantically, pushing at Chichiri's lips with his tongue. The monk seemed too surprised to protest and his mouth opened under Tasuki's onslaught. Tasuki's tongue slipped inside the wet heat of Chichiri's mouth and he moaned softly. He had dreamt of this moment for a long time and, though he knew it had to end, he would enjoy it while he could. When he finally pulled away, out of breath, Chichiri looked up at him in shock.
"I love you, Chichiri." Tasuki whispered hoarsely before running from the room, desperately trying not to cry when Chichiri did not follow him.

I'm evil, ne? Like? Hate? Not sure? Go ahead and tell me. I'm new to writing Shounen ai/ Yaoi and have no idea whether or not my writing sucks.
Next time: More of Tasuki's memories drive him to the edge of his control. Will anyone be there at his darkest moment to save him?