Hell
Years are flying by, grazing the ends of my fingertips as I grasp for a hold on sanity. Owen is getting tired. He is tired of my constant neediness, of my inability to let go of the past. I force myself up, break the surface of the water. I cannot lose Owen. To lose that, that last piece of sanity would crush me, it would devastate me, once and for all. Sometimes I wonder if there is an afterlife, a god who vehemently hates me. For they must hate me if they would inflict this much pain on me. In my mind, hell is a bright, glowing place, filled with heat and passion. It is not a place for a creature made of ice.
I wonder what happened to Charlie and Angela. I wonder what happened to Jacob. I have a feeling that he, this boy from the past I am so desperately clinging to, is the only person who could put me back together again. I laugh bitterly. I am far beyond that. There is no hope for the dead.
Owen is sitting in a chair. I walk up and wrap my arms around him, waiting to feel him gently kiss my hand like he always does. I wait for a lifetime. I wait for an eternity. Finally I walk away, stunned. Owen does not raise his head. He doesn't make a sound, just goes on reading.
I try to make up for my sins. I hold Owen but not tightly, giving as well as taking. I laugh with Alice and Emmett. I let Rosalie work magic on my hair every day. I help Esme and run to hug Carlisle when he comes home. Only Jasper knows that I am fake. Only Jasper knows that I lie. But Owen is happy with me again and that is worth a few more years in hell.
My mind turns to the past as I struggle towards the future. Jacob, for some reason is on my mind often. I want to see him; I want hear that booming laugh again and watch him grin. I want to know what happened to him. Did he imprint on someone, is he married? Does he have kids, miniature Jacobs who have smiles like the sun? I want to see him but I cannot. That past is an apple, luring me to some nameless dread. I need the past, Edward and Jacob. But I also need this future, I need Owen. I need Owen to survive, to give me all the things the past cannot. I need to live just like I once needed to die.