A/N: I'm soooooo sorry for not updating in so long! I've had extreme writer's block, I've been studying for exams, I went to Paris last week (INCROYABLE!), and I left my journal with all of the plotlines for all of my stories in my locker at school (which I have to go back to tomorrow, ewwww!!!) So basically, I had this epiphany at three in the morning yesterday (or was it today, I can never tell) to do sort of a little mini-story-type-thing, so here it is! It might be the longest chapter to date, I dunno, but it's fun and it took me two hours to write it without a break (I handwrite before typing), so kudos to moi! Also, MANY THANKS TO RANKEGG, AUTHOR OF 20 REASONS WHY LIKING REMUS IS WRONG, FOR REVIEWING! YOU'RE MY FREAKIN' FANFIC HERO (you and Lady Bracknell and MysteriWriter07)!!! Cheers!
Okay, so skip to Valentine's Day.
So Remus (bless him) is fast asleep on the armchair, piled with parchments and books and quills and ink and toasters and pink elephants and Merlin knows what else.
Aww, he's so cute, all tired out…
Did Sirius just go sentimental on me?
But brain! Just look at him, sitting there, that little crinkle in his nose he gets when he's thinking—
AAAH! ACTUAL FEELINGS! IT BUUUURNS!!!
Haven't I corrupted you enough to keep you—occupied— while I mushily adore the glory that is Remus?
Is there such a thing as over-corruption?
Shut up and be nasty and vulgar on your own, for once.
Loneleeeeee! I'm so lonleeeeeee! I have nobodeeeeee for my own!
Don't you have any friends?
Yes I do, thank you very much. Oh heart! Lungs! Intestines! Is everyone excited? It's dirty time…
Do I want to know?
I don't think so.
Thought not.
Anyway, there's only a tiny stretch of time with which to gawk at Rem, because today's Valentine's Day!
Valentine's Day: noun. February 14, observed in honor of St. Valentine (Webster's Muggle Dictionary)
Well, no offense to Webster, but I believe it's blatantly obvious that he hasn't had a real Valentine's Day in his life, so that definition is a load of codswallop. Shall we help him out? (reader nods his/her head in agreement)
Excellent.
Valentine's Day: noun. A) the feast day of some annoying saint that nobody cares about. B) the one day a year when anyone can shag anyone senseless absolutely anywhere and everywhere and no one can say a thing about it, so ha! C) payday for cupid impersonators worldwide. (Sirius Black's Dictionary for Sexy Beasts)
Whew! All that thinking really gets your appetite going, and I know just what I'm hankerin' for: Remus.
Yummy.
"Oh Remmy, my darling, my love! Get up! There's places to go, people to see, tee shirts to buy!"
"Siri, get the hell off of me. Why are you waking me up anyway? It's Sunday."
"Don'cha know? It's the International Day of Lovers, the Crème de la Crème of festivals, the Worldwide Celebration of 'ooh la la!' 'hubba hubba' '(wolf whistle)'!"
"Huh?"
"IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU TWIT!"
"Oh."
"So get up, lazybones!"
"Fine, I'm up, okay?"
"Aren't you ever so excited?!"
"For what?"
"Well, hmm… I dunno, um, maybe the fact that it's frickin' Valentine's Day?!"
"Well, I guess so. What are we doing today, then?"
"I've got something planned, hukuna matata."
"Huh?"
'sigh' He's so adorable when he does that sideways inquiring glance thing, isn't he?
Can't talk. Thinking dirty thoughts.
Oh, right.
Ooh, gimme gimme more Severus!
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!
Just making sure you were awake, that's all.
That'd BETTER be all, this isn't Wormtail's mind, you know.
"It means no worries, love. Wanna eat?"
My plan was going perfectly. And no, you don't get to know ahead of time what goes on just because you're the reader, who do you think I am?
So the rest of the day went on as per usual, with the exception of the boatload of Valentines from Hogwarts maidens of all ages. But I got a rather disturbing one from a fifth year that, to this day, has left me scarred for life.
A rabid poodle.
I should explain. Attached to its cage was a card that read:
Dear Sirius,
My name is Olivia McEntire, and I want, nay, DEMAND you to be my Valentine. Here's how this is going to work. I assume you've noticed my poodle by now. Shredder will stay in his cage, assuming you respond to my letter, of course. And, don't worry, he'll make sure you do. Know why? Because I've charmed his cage to open and release Shredder (he's rabid, by the way), where he will proceed to tear apart your face. Saavy?
Your Valentine (or else),
Olivia McEntire
"Hey Padfoot, 'sup with the poodle on crack?"
"I dunno, but it's freakin' me out! Read this, Prongs."
(about twenty seconds later)
"That's friggin' sick! Are you gonna respond?"
"Oh, I'll respond alright."
Dear Olivia,
You are insane. Lucky for me, I noticed a loophole in your little plan. It said to respond, it never said positive or negative, now did it? I'm sending Shredder back, fully caged and un-rabified (I did it meself). Never contact me again, you sick bitch.
You wish I was yours,
Sirius Black
Ah, I love the smell of un-rabified poodles bring flown far away from me in the morning.
Yeah, well, it didn't turn out too well. Turns out Olivia's in—
Gasp! You little trickster! I'll never tell you! Well, I will, just not right—never mind. A man needs to keep some secrets, doesn't he?! Point is: she's sketchy, I hate poodles, and I want to be in a flippy cartoon with the Beatles (they're a freakin' awesome Muggle band from Liverpool).
'skip to dinner'
"Come on Pads! We haven't got all night, you know! I'm sure your hair looks just fine."
Wait for it…
"Hang on a second, is he even IN there?"
I'm a genius. You see, by sneaking out the bathroom window, nobody knows where I am, and I have extra time to put the finishing touches on my surprise for Moonykins. This will all make sense later, I swear.
'in the Great Hall'
'enter Remus'
"Does anyone know where Sirius is?"
"Nope."
"Nope."
"But on another note, you look dashing tonight, Moony."
"You think so?"
"Yeah, y'look strapping, mate."
"I just hope Sirius likes these chocolates."
"Is there any chocolate Padfoot DOESN'T like?!"
"True."
It was time.
"Kick it, chorus girls!"
I stepped out from behind the teacher's table, behind a pink curtain, and strutted between those tables like they were runways.
"Love, love, love—"
"Sirius Black's in the house."
"Love, love, love—"
"This one's for a very special person, a great friend of mine."
"Love, love, love!"
"It's easy!
All you need is love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is Love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is love, love—
Love is all you need."
I really thought the best part was the outfit. I was channeling the Beatles circa Yellow Submarine, so I was decked out in a canary yellow military jacket, a bright green Sargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band tee shirt, blue and pink striped bellbottoms, a beard, granny specs—so I was feeling a little John Lennon, so-effin-what? I looked fab-u-lous.
I figured I might as well make the most of it, so I jumped onto the Slytherin table, pulled my jacket off, and continued.
"There's nothing to can do that can't be done,
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung—"
I kind of forgot the lyrics to the song, so I did what any great performer does, and made them up.
"Nothing you can ring that can't be rung,
It's easy!"
"All you need is love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is Love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is love, love—
Love is all you need."
Then I did a split-jump off of the Slytherin table and went to the Ravenclaw table, ripped my shirt off, and sang again.
"There's nothing you can king that can't be konged,
Nothing you can ting that can't be tonged,
Nothing you can right that can't be wronged,
It's easy!"
"All you need is love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is Love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is love, love—
Love is all you need."
Of course, now I was dancing like a cage dancer on LSD (in true Beatles spirit), so I cartwheeled right on down to the Hufflepuffs. Off came the pants, and I sang once more.
"There's nothing you can moved that can't be moved,
Nothing you can groove that can't be grooved,"
Shit! I wasn't thinking! THERE'S NO MORE RHYMING VERBS!!!! Oh well…
"Nothing you can floove the can't be flooved,
It's easy!"
"All you need is love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is Love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is love, love—
Love is all you need."
Of course, I saved the best for last. I did a double handspring into the air, landing in the mashed potatoes on the Gryffindor table, and continued.
"There's nothing you can muck that can't be mucked,
Nothing you can duck that can't be ducked,"
My favorite part.
By now I'm standing right in front of Moony (he's redder than a tomato), and, well, I had stripped everything off but my knickers and my specs, and the specs weren't going anywhere. You do the math.
"NOTHING YOU CAN FUCK THAT CAN'T BE FUCKED!"
"MR. BLACK!!! DETENTION!!!!!!!"
"Just a second, Professor, I'm almost finished.
It's easy!"
Here's the glitch:
Turns out Olivia (the creepy girl with the poodle) is in Gryffindor. She was slightly pissed.
"SHREDDER, ATTACK!!!!!"
So now I have the entire faculty plus a crazed poodle chasing after me, so I have to sing the final chorus while I still can.
"All you need is love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is Love,"
"Doo doo doo doo doo!"
"All you need is love, love—
Love is all you need."
I do hope that entertained Remus. For three month's detention and a poodle mauling me, it better have, that's all I have to say.
'back in the Common Room'
"Sirius?"
"Yeah? Oh, hey Rem!"
"Is your face okay?"
"It's wonderful, couldn't be any fuckin' better. So, did you like my little performance?"
"You're an idiot. I love you."
A/N: Did you like? Was it worth the lost night of sleep? Don't you just love Sirius even more now?! I do, but I guess I'm kind of biased, huh? Oh, by the way, the SAVE THE CYBERBUNNY campaign is back up and running, as is my contest (see my profile for details). Also, I can no longer post all the reviewers and such, so I'll be listing them at the ends of chapters. To those of you who are up there, well, you're just special, now aren't you? Look forward to more soon! Cheers!