Until Now

By IllStandByYou87

Standard Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except my hamster. Please don't sue; I love him too much.

Thank you all for the reviews. They made me smile. There was a reason why I didn't say what Roy did to make Pam go through with the wedding and as for why Roy became abusive to her will become clear in a few chapters. Oh and I don't know about you, but if I try and reach the small of my back, I can do it with no problem, which is why I chose that area. If it doesn't make sense yet, please bear with me. I borrowed some storylines from the actual season 3, and no copyright infringement was intended. All the other notes can be found in the prologue.

Chapter 1

After an unusually long shower, most of which was spent crying and wallowing, Pam emerged. Oddly enough she felt worse than she had when she first stepped into it. She dried her body off and then proceeded to go through the necessary anti infection routine for her burns. Most of them had gotten better. There was a bunch of small ones clumped together to look rather large on the small of her back that Roy did with cigars. The worst one was on her upper back, above her shoulder blade. Roy created that masterpiece by moving a lighter around that area of her back. Ironically it was one of the ones she gave him; he said it was his favorite.

Today she had a special problem. Thanks to Roy completely losing it last night, she had a lovely black eye that was getting puffier by the minute. She's been able to hide all of her scars and hints of abuse because they haven't been anywhere visible. She's known for dressing very conservatively so even when he would put his cigarette out on her arms or give her massive Indian Burns on them, she was able to cover them up. I'm never going to be able to cover this thing up. No matter how much makeup I try. That would look weird in itself since I never wear enough makeup to be noticeable and wearing sunglasses won't work inside… I'm going to have to wing it At least I have the drive to work to attempt to figure out what I could say. Her only problem would be Jim. She never could lie to him. She was afraid he was going to take one look at her and know immediately what had happened.She finished the routine and painfully got into her clothes. She turned back into the mirror and flashed her famous Pam smile. There was something different about it though, besides the black eye. Something was gone. The face she saw looking back at her could have been from Law and Order. She wasn't used to being a victim.

She sighed and pushed herself away from the mirror. At least she wasn't really that friendly with anybody from work anymore. Knowing Michael he'd make a big deal out of it and so would Dwight. Jim would probably be concerned but not say anything about it. Everyone else could just go away, as far as she was concerned.

Somehow she found herself sitting in her car, waiting for it to warm up before she drove to work. Briefly she remembered brushing her teeth and hair and putting shoes on. Finally she wasn't shivering as much so she put the car in drive and put her foot on the gas. During the drive, she came up with lame excuses, each one sounding stupider than the last.

Stopped at a light, she looked around. More than anything she wanted to blow off work but she couldn't do that. Roy would come up to visit her and not see her and then accuse her of cheating on him again. Ever since she told him she and Jim had kissed he had been unbelievably paranoid. If they were out and a guy so much as glanced at her, he would go ballistic. After Jim came back from Stamford, she didn't tell Roy which was a huge mistake. She got the beating of a lifetime for that one. It was her fault, she figured, since she didn't tell him first. That made Roy even more paranoid and he would come up to visit her at least three times a day, if not more. Her coworkers would tease her and say how lucky she was to be so loved by her husband.

Loved?

If they only knew. He tried to get her to quit but she wouldn't. She wasn't sure what made him stop bothering her about it but eventually he did.

She heard a loud noise coming from somewhere. She snapped out of it. Oh! The light changed, of course. She placed her foot on the gas pedal once more and drove the rest of the way to work still partially lost in her thoughts. She silently thanked whoever was up there that made Roy have to be in earlier for work than she did. These drives in the morning were ways of clearing her cluttered mind. Today it didn't work as well, but then again, today was a special day. The drive wasn't very relaxing this morning. She was more tense than ever as she pulled into the lot of Dunder Mifflin. She checked her watch. It was still early. She still had some time to breathe and sit in the comfort of her car. She turned off the engine and set her hands on the wheel in the ten and two position. She grabbed on to the wheel with all her strength, like it was her last hope.

She got a flash before her eyes of something that happened a few weeks ago…She was sitting at her desk and Jim walked over to her.

"Hey Beesly."

Pam barely looked up. "Hey," she answered back.

"So what's been going on? You've been acting all weird and totally not like you. You're quiet."

"Am I not aloud to be quiet? Do I always have to be bubbly or cheerful around you or everyone else that works here? Well I'm sorry Jim, please excuse my quietness," she snapped.

Jim held up his hands. "Woah." He stepped back from the desk. "I didn't mean th-"

"Then what did you mean? Huh?" she cut him off.

He looked down at her with something unfamiliar in his eyes. She had hurt him, but he couldn't look away. He never could. They maintained eye contact for a few seconds until his eyes darted to his left. His mouth dropped partially and he didn't look back at her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered as he walked back to his desk. She stared at his retreating back. She wasn't even sure he said he was so sorry he said it so low. What was he looking at? What would have made him…She looked down at her right arm. She had pushed her sleeves up earlier because the heat was on overload. He had seen a scar.

She shook her head hard, trying to rid her brain of the memory. Ever since then he had looked at her with sadness in his eyes. He looked like he was trying to get her to admit something only with his eyes. After a few days she refused to look at him. He hadn't given up though. Whenever he would get up from his desk, she would go to copy something or fax something. He had approached her indirectly one other time, with the new girl, Karen Something Italian. She had nothing against the new girl. They got off to a good start; she even complimented Pam's sweater and Pam had silently scolded Michael when he asked if her dad was a G.I.

Pam was sitting in the break room alone, eating her mixed berry yogurt when Jim and Karen had walked in talking about spousal abuse. Not too subtle. Karen had flashed her a sympathetic look when they left. Jim made such a point of not looking at her she rolled her eyes.

Pam took a huge deep breath and released it slowly, imagining all her troubles leaving with the breath. She opened the door and stepped out of her car. It was a nice day for the end of December. Partly cloudy, temperature in the lower thirties. She kept taking in deep breaths and pushing them back out again as she made her way up to the office.

When she reached the door to the office it was closed. She hesitatingly reached for the door knob expecting it to be locked, and was surprised when it opened. Someone else was here. She stepped through the thresh hold and went straight to her desk, making a point of not looking to see who else was here besides her. She hoped that that way they wouldn't make a conversation with her. She took off her coat and began to settle things by her desk. She was just sitting down when she heard foot steps coming towards her. Dammit. Why can't people just butt out? Is that so difficult? I don't intrude on their lives and ask them questions, why can't they do that for me? Because they care about you, Pam, a small voice inside her said.

The footsteps must have been at her desk by now but nobody said anything. She took a few minutes to settle herself in some more and then looked up.

"Hi Pam." The face of Karen looked back at her, a small hesitant smile on her lips. Her eyes strayed to meet Pam's and she couldn't hide the shock that appeared on her face.

"Hey."

"You're in early. I thought I'd have some time alone for a few."

"This is the time I'm always here. What are you doing here so early?" Like I really care, Pam thought sarcastically.

"I didn't get a whole lot of work done yesterday. I didn't really expect to since it was Michael's first day back but between the slide show of Jamaica he showed us and the Dwight/Andy wars it was kind of impossible," she smiled a little wider.

Pam nodded, putting a small smile on her face. "The Dwight/Andy thing was definitely amusing."

Karen laughed. "He wasn't that much of an ass back in Stamford. Or else I never really noticed which would be sad since it's so blatantly obvious."

"I think Michael and Dwight bring it out in him more. Speaking of, how did you get in?"

"I asked Michael for a key yesterday and then he asked me if I was going to use it to get into his office and sleep on his desk, naked." She paused. "Should I be offended?"

Pam held in a shudder. "No."

Karen leaned in. "So what happened to your eye? It looks really bad."

Pam shrugged her shoulders casually. "It's totally not a big deal. Roy accidentally hit me. He was hitting his punching bag when I walked into the room and startled him and he turned and hit me."

"Dead on aim," Karen commented.

Pam knew Karen didn't believe her. Come on, who would? She was just hoping that she had the decency to leave it alone. "He's practiced punching things for a long time."

"I bet."

"So you better get to work if you want to catch up," Pam said pointedly. "People start coming in at five to nine and it's already eight forty."

Karen looked at Pam with sympathy. "I can tell the difference you know. I know from past experience."

Pam stared at Karen with feigned innocence in her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Karen nodded, as if to say 'Okay, we'll play your way for now.' "I'll see you later."

Pam didn't reply, but instead pretended to type something on the computer. She was so close to crying it scared her. Her life was just a nightmare. Every night when she went to sleep, next to him, she prayed she wouldn't wake up. But every morning she did. She dreamed of running away, of starting over with someone, anyone. She envisioned killing Roy but then chided herself. He still is her husband and they've been together for a very long time. She couldn't let one tear fall down her cheek. After a few minutes of trying to hold the tears in, and looking away from Karen, she couldn't do it anymore. She got up and went to the bathroom where she cried like never before. She was crying so loudly she never heard anybody come in. Karen was standing outside the stall she was in, silently. After a good five minutes, Pam came out of the stall and saw Karen standing there.

"What excuse are you going to give for that?"

"Haven't thought of one yet. Give me a few minutes." Pam was trying to make light of the situation.

"Why won't you let someone help you?"

"Because he'll kill whoever tries to," Pam whispered.

TBC!!! Thanks for reading, don't forget to kindly review. Constructive criticism welcome, but no flames please!