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Chapter 9

I stared at him with blank eyes; at least, I hope they could be conveyed as empty compared to what I'm really feeling. Inside, my intestines were wrapping around various organs, squeezing and twisting until I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"That's not all." Nathan spoke up.

What did he mean that wasn't all? I wondered confused. My head was already spinning enough. Suddenly feeling quite weak, I lean up against the wall, and brush my hair out of my eyes. "Go on." I say, trying to keep my voice even and calm, hoping he won't notice, but at the same time, hoping he does.

He doesn't.

"Maybe we should go somewhere more private, I don't want to be overheard." He says, taking my hand, and leading me back into my room. I tried as hard I can to fight off the tingling sensation I felt when he grabbed my arm, but it is useless. I'm in way too deep.

I sit down on my bed, and he took his spot right next to me.

"I…" Nathan begins. I say nothing; instead just wait for him to speak. "I think I like her."

Talk about a punch to the gut. Now I actually feel like I'm going to be sick…and soon.

"Hold on a minute." I say while holding up one finger, and quickly dodge into the bathroom, where I proceed to throw up what feels like my entire internal system.

Ignoring the closed bathroom door, Nathan walks in. "Hales, are you okay?" I mumble a few words, hoping he'll get the point. "Gimme a min-" I try to say before my head is once again in the toilet, throwing up anything and everything.

He stoops down next to me, his hand running up and down my back, which normally would've been quite comforting, but today all I could think about was this same hand running up and down Rachel's body, and…

A whole new wave of nausea overcame me, making me wonder if I'd ever stop being sick. I have a feeling that eventually the throwing up will cease, but the overall ache and feeling of sickness will remain.

Have I mentioned this sucks? More so than Rachel?

I take a few deep breaths, and begin to feel a little bit better. Standing up, I clean myself off and flush the toilet. I brush my teeth, taking notice that Nathan is still staring at me.

"Geez. Talk about a bad hangover Hales."

"Tell me about it." I say through a mouthful of minty foam; no wonder he likes Rachel.

"At least it's pretty much over." He says optimistically.

"Yeah." Though I have a feeling, it's only started.

Finally finishing my teeth, which I tried to drag on as long as possible, we returned to my room. I collapse on my bed, exhausted. And this has only just begun. Moments later, I feel the other side of the bed sink in, signaling the time for us to talk.

"So…you think you like her?" I ask.

"Yeah. Do you not think I do?" He turns his head towards me, slightly confused.

"Honestly Nathan, yeah. I mean, how many random hook-ups have you had in your life? And out of those hook-ups, how often did you care about the girl afterwards?"

"I don't know Hales, but it's different this time."

"How so? How can you like someone just by hooking up with them?"

"I don't know, but I do."

We sit in silence for a moment. A half hour ago he thought he liked Rachel, and now he's certain. This sucks.

"Do you think I should ask her out?"

What can I say? Inside I'm screaming 'NO!' a thousand times over, but I'm his best friend, and he's mine. I can't let my own selfish pride get in the way of his happiness. Plus, even if he likes her, she may not reciprocate his feelings. Rachel is known for many a one-night stand too. I just can't believe how much this hurts to hear.

"Yeah. If you like her Nate, go for it. Though, you don't really need my permission." I say with a small forced smile. A lump is starting to form in my throat, and I'm trying so hard to ignore it.

Nathan's face breaks into a smile. "Thanks Hales, but it's still good to know my best friend's perspective. Especially since she is your sister."

Best Friends. I'm really starting to hate that phrase.

"Step-sister Nathan. We aren't family. Not in that since anyway." My jaw is beginning to hurt from forcing this stupid supportive smile.

Nathan leans in to hug me, and I hesitate a little, which he doesn't notice. He wraps his arm around me, and I can't help but to lean into his comfortable embrace. He feels too damn good, and by now the lump in my throat is not only beginning to grow, but also threatening to cause some major damage if I let a few tears fall.

"Alright Hales, I'm gonna go, but I'll be back later." He says, looking at me. "Just ya know, sleep out the rest of the hangover or whatever." He kisses my cheek and stands up to leave. "Need anything?"

Yeah, I need you to suddenly start laughing, telling me how I'm being Punk'd, and that last night was just a joke, he and Rachel never slept together, and in reality you actually hate her. Just tell me that, and everything can go back to normal. Maybe I should speak now, instead of just staring at him like an idiot while formulating unrealistic ideas in my head. "No, I'm fine."

"Okay." He smiles. "I'll see you later then, Hales." And with that he leaves, almost as impersonal as if we were acquaintances, not best friends. Things were beginning to change, and nothing had even happened yet.

Well, nothing except for Nathan and Rachel hooking up.

And with this thought in mind, I collapse back onto my bed, the tears still refusing to fall.

Hours later…

Rachel barges into my room as I'm watching Fight Club and eating a slice of cold pizza. "Whoa, this is a change." She says. "What's with the movie? No romantic comedy?" She jokes. "Now, don't tell me Nathan's in the closet. He's never hidden before."

"He's never slept with something as scary or skanky as you before either." I joke back, but there's a slight bitterness in my words that she doesn't detect. I hate the fact that when she said his name, she said it in a softer tone that she's ever used before. "Besides, I think Fight Club is sorta romantic." I argue.

"In what sense is a psychotic guy at war with himself romantic? Unless he jerks off to his other personality, but I didn't know you were into that sorta stuff, Hales. Is there something you want to tell me?"

Yeah. Fuck you, and stay away from Nathan. "When are two hot guys beating the shit out of eachother not romantic?" Besides, it's the whole twisted triangle with Marla, and how one personality loves her, while the other despises her. What could be better than that?"

"Hmm…Sex." Rachel winks. "Which by the way, did Nathan tell you what happened?" She asked, excitedly, yet at the same time carefully. Duh, I brought it up minutes ago, of course I remember.

"Yeah…I think I remember him saying he got laid, but it really wasn't that great. He couldn't remember anything about the chick except for her fat ass." I say, my eyes glued to the TV as I take another bite of pizza.

"Funny. You should be a comedian." She teases.

"Hilarious. You should be on a diet." I say, and two seconds later, a pillow hits my face. "Whore." She teases, a smirk on her face, I merely laugh in response, almost forgetting about the situation from last night.

That is, until she brings it up again.

"About last night, can I talk to you? It's kind of important." She says, while moving to sit on my bed, her hands wringing nervously in her lap.

"My god, you gave him an STD, didn't you?"

"Hales, I'm trying to be serious here. Please, I need some of that great tutor-chick advice." My mom always said that I use comedy as an emotional outlet and a defense against important things. Funny how she knows this, yet can't remember when my soccer games are.

"Alright, go ahead." I say. "It's a commercial break."

"It's a DVD."

"Same difference if it's on pause. Anyway, talk."

"I screwed things up with Theresa."

"You mean when you screwed Nathan, the boy she's had a creepy obsession with the past four years? Sounds about right."

"Hales…"

"Sorry, go on."

"Anyway, I told her about Nathan, and she totally freaked out. More so after the fact that I told her I think I might like him, and not in the 'let's hook up again sometime' but rather in the 'let's go out, be my boyfriend' sort of way.

Jesus. Talk about another punch to my gut. I think I just felt my heart stop beating for a sec. God damnit. It was bad enough for him to like her, but for their feelings to be mutual?! That's awful. If he were any other guy, and if she were any other girl, this entire situation would be less important. But my sister, and my best friend slash the guy I love? You might as well just kill me now, in the most sadistic Saw-ish of ways, because that wouldn't even hurt as much as what I'm feeling presently.

If they were different people, it wouldn't matter. They'd have one hook up, or hell, even a string of random hook ups, but it sure as hell wouldn't evolve into a relationship! God, two of the people I care about most, and this – whatever you want to call this pretty effed up situation I'm in.

"Hales?"

Whoa. Back to reality. I probably made myself look like an idiot again. Way to space out there Haley.

"Yeah."

"So what do you think?"

"About…?"

"Nathan and I. Or, the possibility of Nate and I, I guess."

Nate. The way she says it, it's so…the way I imagine myself to say it, in some sort of dirty dream or something.

"Maybe you should talk to him, see what he thinks."

"But you'd be okay with it?"

God, this stupid question. I hate it. Okay Hales, swallow your pride. You never really told Rachel your true feelings about Nathan, why do it now and wreck any shred of hope she might've had of with him?

You know she'd do it for you. She'd back off of him in a heartbeat.

Sorta like she backed off him last night?

She would do it for you.

But would you really want her to? She deserves her shot with him. Rarely does Rachel actually care about a boy.

The same boy you happened to fall in love with.

So speak up. Fight for him. Call her a slut and a bitch and a backstabbing hoe, for not only breaking your heart, but Theresa's as well. That crazy psychotic bitch that never actually stood a chance with him anyway.

Who's to say that if you speak up, she'll stay away? She broke Theresa's, her best friend, trust, what's gonna stop her from doing the same to you?

She's Rachel. She's family.

Not by blood. And if she does betray you, the cats out of the mother fuckin' bag anyway. Nathan will know the truth, destroying your entire friendship and resulting in awkward silences and uneasy stares. Not to mention that they'd still be together.

So, what to do?

Suck it up. Swallow your pride, your feelings; bottle up your emotions and forget this little crush on Nathan ever existed. Be strong like a man, and grow some.

Her gaze was still heavy upon mine. Her expression was confident, yet worried and skeptical.

"Sure Rach, go for it. He's all yours."

So here I am, two hours later, tears streaming down my face as a cry into Brooke's shoulder. Her arms are wrapped around me protectively as empty cartons of ice cream litter the floor, next to the mountains of discarded tissues.

What a pretty picture.

Flashback

"Sure Rach, go for it. He's all yours."

Rachel's face lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. "Thank you so much Hales! You have no idea how much this means to have your approval to be with him! God, I just, I just like him so much, you know? Like, I had no idea how much one night could change your opinions of a person. Though, it was an amazing night. He did this incredible thing with his tongue, and oh." Her expression turned slightly more sober after a moment.

"See Hales, I wanted to ask you something else too. Like in the form of a favor possibly?" She gave me a hopeful gaze.

"I was sorta wondering if you would talk to Nathan for me. Ya know, get his opinions from last night…and possibly the future? Talking isn't exactly my forte." She hints suggestively.

Sweet Jesus. She'd already stabbed me in the heart. Now she's just twisting the knife so it'll go in deeper.

"Sure Rachel…but uh, I don't know when I'll seem him next. I'm actually heading to Brooke's for the night, so I might just see him tomorrow, or whenever." I say, blurting out whatever I could possibly think of at the top of my head.

I already gave her the clear path to Nathan. So what if I throw a couple stones in the way? No one said I had to back all the way down.

End Flashback

"Shh…Hales, it's okay." Brooke whispered comfortingly into my hair.

"God, it hurts so bad Brooke."

"Shh…I know."

How the hell does she know? At least she got her man last night. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Brucas finally got together.

"And it's all my fault, I practically pushed her to him when she asked."

"You were being selfless. One of your more honorable traits. It's not your fault if the hoe can't figure out you're crazy in love with him. It's so obvious."

"Brooke," I laugh through tears. "You didn't even know until I told you."

"So what? I don't live with both you and Nathan, she should've seen the signs."

"All those times she asked me if I liked him, and I laughed it off. How could our love be anything other than platonic? She had no reason to doubt me, and eventually she stopped asking altogether."

"It'll get better sweetie. You don't know if they'll even date. And if they do, they won't last forever. It's not like they'll get married in high school or anything foolish like that."

Again Brooke caused me to laugh. "Yeah, who would do something as stupid as that?"

The next day.

So after some major therapy and girl-time with B. Davis, I'm ready to go home, and admit a few things to my dear sister Rachel.

I walk up my front steps, and don't even bother with pulling my keys out. Our house is always unlocked. Trudging up to my room, I decide to get a few hours of sleep before confronting my demons with Rachel.

I walk up the stairs when I faintly hear moans.

Okay. Grossness. I automatically think before my mind even registers what could be occurring a few rooms away.

She could've gotten over it, over him. It could've been like some sort of 24-hour virus consuming her body; she could be fucking the brains out of some random guy right now. Yeah, she could've gotten over him.

"Ohhhh Nathannnn." She screams in the distance.

Or, she could've gotten under him.

Oh god. My eyes well up again. I forgot he was going to come over yesterday. Straight into the arms of Rachel...did he even register I wasn't there? Now it's done...completely sealed with a kiss. Yea right, knowing Rachel, it's never sealed with anything less than a fuck. At least I had a miniscule chance left to talk to her this morning. To admit my feelings for him were way past platonic. That oppurtunity was shot to hell, as well as my efforts to holding back these tears. I cover my mouth and hurriedly run up to my room, and head straight towards the bathroom.

Pulling up the toilet seat, I throw up again. All the empty calories from the ice cream reappear in front of me. I really need a new hobby. Or a new way to deal with this shit, throwing up just isn't covering it.

I begin to rip off my clothes, and then halfway through, I stop caring. I turn the shower on; the hot water dial turned all the way, the cold one untouched. I jump into it, with my jeans, socks, and undershirt on. I don't give a fuck as the water burns my skin, as the remains of my make up runs down my face, or as my tears blend together with the scalding water.

Hell, I don't even care that the shower curtain is only half-closed.

Or that my cell phone is still in my pocket. Let water hit it. Let it ring. Let me get electrocuted. It must hurt less than what I'm feeling right now.

"God damnit!" I curse, and throw the nearest object at the wall, which happens to be a shampoo bottle, which happens to break and splatter everywhere.

I don't give a fuck about anything right now. But I'm doing anything and everything to get her moans out of my head. The sound of the mattress squeaking under their active bodies. Or his sweaty, panting image as he climaxes in her; The way she says his name when it finally happens. Or the way they did it without the support of alcohol this time around. No such mother fucking luck.

It just hurts so damn bad…