The Obese Nagging Mother is on her period. All must run, fast.
I swear to God, when a Jewish mother with frizzy red hair is having PMS, the apocalypse is surely near. This morning I woke up when my alarm went off. I rolled over to press the "snooze" button. I fell back asleep for about two minutes before I heard a door burst open and a felt a smack on my butt. Then a nasally voice radiated off the walls:
"Kyle! What are you doing? You have school in an hour! Get up, now, or it's extra chores for a month! Blah blah blah, yell yell yell, Don't be such a zayin, roar, bellow, shout, scream, screech." Just when I was contemplating the affects of "accidental" suicide, the voice stopped its ranting, a hand gave my ass another firm smack, and a door slammed.
My mother hits hard. I opened my eyes and rubbed them. I almost spontaneously combusted when I saw that my alarm clock was on the floor, smashed into a billion pieces. Surely my mother, the one I (supposedly) love so much, did not do this? She loved my alarm clock! It was in the shape of Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo and sang songs. I saved up my allowance for a month! I growled. In short, I was pissed.
I got up and changed hastily into my clothing. How dare she? My entire family, even Ike, my beastly monster of a brother, enjoyed its cheerful melodies in the morning! And my mother, my own fucking mother ruined it. I was so caught up in my thought that I didn't notice the sharp, pointy fragments on the floor, and screamed like I just got shot in the eye. Fuck that hurt! I bit my lip and inspected the damage to the bottom of my foot. A slice about the size of my thumb was gouged into it. I winced as I plucked the bloody metal fragment out.
And then rage overtook me. I let out an earsplitting roar. I gathered up every single piece, chucked open my window, and dumped them out. I sighed contentedly. I felt much better. That was, until I heard the earsplitting screech of Kenny, who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. No wonder he always died. His bad luck rate was unusually high.
I paused, awaiting what was obviously next. In the distance I heard a bloodcurdling scream. "OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY!" Jesus, how does Stan do that? I sighed and sat down in the desk chair. I thought some more.
"Yep, I'm a bastard."