Part 8:

"I miss her Susan."

"I know. I miss her too." Pause. "Did you think?"

"What?"

"Did you think about how things would have been... if things between us would have really worked out?"

"No... But I'm sure I'd never get the chance to be with Abby. And Chuck would never be in picture."

"Yeah."

"In my entire life, I had no clue at all that I would find a woman like her. A woman that would leave my life upside down like she did. I never wished a woman so bad before as I wished her. You may think this is silly but it's her I loved all along. When she was with Jake, I was so jealous. I thought it was because I cared about her. So I paid her tuition. I thought I'd feel better, but I only felt worse."

"I don't think it's silly. But hey... can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Go ahead."

"Why you left to be with Kem? Didn't you want to be with Abby?"

"I don't know, Susan. I mean, to be with Abby was the thing I wanted most. But I don't know why I left. I guess I was trying to run away. But I guess I didn't success, did I?"

"Wanna know the truth? No, you didn't."

I looked down and raised my eyebrows. I knew I screwed everything again. I officially hate my life. Everything just didn't seem to have a sense, to work. And I didn't know what to do to bring that sense back on track.

"My life is so screwed. And it's screwed real hard."

"Don't say it."

"Come on. You know it is."

Susan just nodded. She knew I got the point.

"My life lost all sense you know? There's no point on living anymore."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"If I can't have her, then I'll die."

"What?!"

"I want to die."

"No! You don't! People here need you!"

"Who? Look, the only person I need is gone!"

"She may have gone physically. But she'll always be with us."

"I love her Susan. I love her."

"I know. She loves you too."

"And I need her. I need her like I didn't need anyone before."

"I know Carter."

"You know, I waited like six years to find her. No, I waited twenty nine years. Almost all my life. I know I should have gone farther and proposed to her."

Susan just stared at me. She probably noticed how miserable I was. If miserable fits my case, which I don't think so. There must be more appropriate words for my state. But I just can't find any. How sad am I? I can't even find words to describe how I feel. It's not like that someone has to know. The problem is I can't even tell myself.

"Susan", I said as I rubbed my eyes to contain the tears, "Can you please leave me alone? I need sometime to think. Sorry."

"It's okay Carter. Take the time you need. I assume this is hard."

"Yeah."

"Call me if you need to talk."

"Thanks."

"Take care. I mean it."

"You too."

I closed the door and turned to go to my room. Then I picked a box with memories and took a small box from the big box and opened it. I stared amuzed to the thing inside it.