Part 10

I didn't know how much Vicodin was on the syringe. But I don't care. I just want to forget everything. Forget for only one second how miserable I was. Nah, the truth is that I was trying to get closer to her. Don't know how, don't know where. I just want to hold her and tell her I won't leave anymore. That I'm not going anywhere. I may have said it once, but I actually mean it this time. We were supposed to start a family. If I wasn't so hesitant. I should have said I would help her and the baby. I have some experience on it. She does too. Family. A word that means the world for some people and some people don't give a damn about it. I fit on the first group. I always loved my family. Even with my crazy mother. I had some good moments. When I had the possibility to start my own family, it's taken away from me. Sometimes I think there's no happiness at all for me. No matter what happens. I'll always be miserable. That's my destination. I can't fight it.

Love at first sight. Some people believe on it. Some don't. I'm one of those who didn't. But I began to believe when it happened to me. Love at first sight. That day, at Doc Magoo's. The day I asked her to be my sponsor.

"Hi. Could I get a coffee with cream, no sugar to go, please?"

"Hey."

"Hey. You back already?"

"No, not for another week."

"What, are you just hanging out?"

"Conversion meeting at nine."

"You look much better."

"Thank you. Yeah, I like your hair."

"Thank you."

"Some nice scrubs. You picking up some extra shifts?"

"No, I was suspended."

"Oh. You didn't kill anybody, did you?"

"No. But I wanted to. My ex-husband was supposed to pay my tuition. He didn't pay it, so, uh..."

"Ouch."

"I'm on the bench for a while. But it certainly didn't seem like that today. Oh, thank you."

"Hey, I got that. Would you put that on my bill, please?"

"It's okay."

"Hey, it's a cup of coffee. Sit down. It's the least I can do after acting like a complete jerk."

"When?"

"Three months ago. You know, you might've saved my life. If you hadn't stopped me when you did. I could be dead now. I'm working on my steps here."

"You're up to nine already?"

"Well more or less."

"I forgive you. Do you mind? Sorry. I really have to quit. Again, thank you."

"Keep it. Long day?"

"Yeah. Twenty-two week old preemie survived nine hours. I just finished the death kit."

"Wow."

"Yeah. I don't know why I do this. Sometimes I think I should just go be an accountant or something."

"Hmm. That's an option."

"Yeah, if I could balance a checkbook. What about you?"

"A lot of waiting, a lot of meetings."

"Yeah, you kind of get meeting-ed out."

Both nod in agreement.

"Aren't you gonna ask?"

"What?"

"What I was doing there this morning."

"You only go for one reason. I figured I'd keep going and eventually you'd stand up and share."

"It's not that interesting. I'm a drunk."

"How long have you been sober?"

"Almost five years."

"So you could sponsor somebody."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Have you?"

"No."

"Cos I'm supposed to find a sponsor."

We stare at each other and she chuckles

"Don't look at me."

"No?"

"No. I'm barely holding my own life together right now, trust me."

"Cos it would be great to have somebody at the hospital. And since you did sort of start me on my road to recovery."

"And men and women aren't supposed to sponsor each other."

"Don't worry about it."

"Thanks."

"Come on. You're not gonna make me ask a total stranger are you? The only person I met at the meeting was the coffee guy."

"Okay, okay. I will work the steps with you until you find a permanent sponsor."

"Fair enough."

"I'll start by setting a good example. Besides, I don't think coffee and cigarettes are gonna do it for me tonight."

"No?"

"No. I'm getting a hot fudge sundae."

"Mmm."

"Would you like one?"

"Mmm-mmm. I got enough vices."

"No, I think part of the rules should be that you have to splurge with me."

"Is that how it works?"

You know, we're supposed to get together that day. God knows how I wanted to kiss her. But I wasn't brave enough to do this. I guess I was afraid of what she would think. How she would act. And once again I regretted. From my lack of courage. She would never kissed Luka if I had kissed her. And we would be together for five years now. Is this really it? Five years? Wow! Five years is a long time. To be in love with the same woman. It's not for me though. If she had asked me not to even show interest on another woman, I would do that. Everything is easy when you're in love. In my case it's not that easy. I wasted two years convincing myself I loved Kem when I didn't. And when I finally realized I was still in love with Abby, she is taken away from me. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. Abby. The reason I'm here. The reason I'm living for. The reason I'm injecting drugs again. The reason I want to die for. I wonder how things in the other world would be like. And she didn't go alone. She took the baby with her. Our baby. My eyes began to water. I loved it so much already. She was afraid of something like this to happen. Not dying but miscarrying the baby. I was afraid too, but it would only make things worse. I felt like drops falling on me. I looked up and noticed it was raining. I hate rainy days. It brings bad memories back on my mind. Memories I don't want to remember at all.

"Hi."

"Hi. When did you get back?"

"Just now."

"It's 5:30 in the morning."

"My flight from London was delayed. I missed you."

"Did you just let yourself in?"

"I'm sorry about how I left."

"Can I have my key back, please?"

I came back from Africa and went straight to her place and she made me give her key back. Oh hell, I was a jerk anyway. I missed Doug that time. He surely would have helped me then. He had a sixth sense you know. He knew it was about me when I asked him how to exam VD. And Jerry put the results on the board. It was a great time. Med school. No worries. Everything was great. With Abby. Well, things with her were a bit predictable. Or not. It was full of surprises. For me and her. I guess that is one of the secrets from relationships. I may be talking crazy now. I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. Nothing makes sense to me now. I'm in a completely miserable situation. You can say so. I looked inside the bedroom. Our bedroom. So many moments, you know? My eyes watered and my heart filled with pain as I realized that was it. She was never coming back. Never again. I walked in the bedroom and sat in the bed. Her side. I looked at the chest of drawers. Something caught my attention. It was a note. It belonged to her. She wrote that to me. It had only seven words but those words meant everything to me. The words were 'I want to be with you forever'. Pretty clever huh? I guess she didn't know what would happen. Well, neither did I. I'd do anything to prevent that. I kept staring at that piece of paper on my hands for a while. She was unpredictable . I never knew what she was thinking. She surprised me many times. I'll miss this. I'll miss coming home and not having her waiting for me. I'll miss everything. The baby and all the stuff I thought we were gonna have. I'll miss driving our kids to school and going to baseball games or ballet presentations. I placed my right elbow on my right knee and put my hand on my eyes and just let the tears fall. I stayed like this for some minutes but it seemed like hours. I stood to take some air. As I was walking down the room I saw an open door. It was the baby's room. The crib was already built. It was white cause we didn't want to know the sex. We wanted to keep it a surprise. I kepy walking and then I drove off. Several minutes later, I stopped by a store to buy a drink.

"Keep the change." I said before heading to my car again.