Part 12

I'll tell you why this place means so much to me. That day, May 19th 2000. I told her I was in love with her. Here.

"Is that a record number of gunshot wounds for one shift?"

"By the same guy, absolutely."

"He has a good chance. Like you said you found it early."

"No, it's more that he has to go through it alone. You know as if having cancer as a kid wasn't bad enough."

"He could get passed over for chief resident."

"That's true. Or he could get kicked out of med school and be forced to work as an ER nurse."

"I was not kicked out."

"Oh really? What would you call it?"

"Suspended for being a dead beat. Do you know he offered to pay my tuition?"

"Who?"

"Luka. And I know he means well, it's just frustrating for me sometimes cos I have to explain my every feeling to him and normally when you're with someone for a while they get to know your moods, but he doesn't do that-"

"You know what? Stop it"

"What?"

"Don't talk to me about Luka. I'm not your girlfriend and I shouldn't really even be here with you."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka. And I don't want to sit on the sidelines waiting for you two to break up. And I don't want to be your friend. It might be convenient for you but it's not doing much for me."

"What are you talking about?"

Thank God he didn't pay her tuition. He left that to me. I laughed awkwardly. My dearest. My Abby. My everything. My world. I miss you so much. I just want to be next to you at this moment. You have no idea how much I love you. You may not even know if I did. The truth is... I did. And I do. And always will. Forever. And I'm sorry for not apologizing properly to you. I just didn't know you'd be gone you know? Cause if I did I'd tried to be more understanding, patient, friendly. I know you used to tell me I was it all and I always doubted. But you'll always have a special place here. I nervously gave small punches on my chest mentioning my heart. That was when tears started falling down. I didn't try to control them. I slowly slipped down until my knees reached the green grass below me. And to follow me, small water drops began to fall. Still, I stood there, not caring about the rain falling over me. All I cared about was her. Nothing else. Nobody else. I was fooling myself all this time. And I stood there, wet from crying and because of the falling rain. Her words came back to my mind.

"You gonna do it again?"

"Seriously, I think it worked."

"Needles in your back?"

"Yeah, it was a bonus."

"I didn't know you were a masochist."

"Whatever works."

"Maybe I should go home and get my whip."

"Yeah, you do that. You almost off?"

"About 15 minutes ago."

"What are you still hanging around for?"

"And miss this late night stroll..."

"It's starting to get a little chilly out here."

"I got asked out by a fireman today."

"Really?"

"Mmhmm."

"Ankle guy?"

"Yeah. Hard to believe?"

"No."

"He was good looking."

"Big?"

"Yeah. Funny."

"Invite me to the nuptials."

"Alright, you gotta help me out here. I don't know what to do, rub your back? I'm just not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do here."

"Well, I'm not exacly sure how I'm supposed to comment on your love life."

"I said no, because I was waiting for something to happen... with us."

"You've been waiting?"

"Yeah."

"You weren't doing much to move it forward."

"No, you gave me an ultimatum. You stood right there and gave me an ultimatum and I did what you asked and you've done nothing."

"What did I ask you do do?"

"I broke up with Luka."

"First of all, you didn't break up with Luka for me."

"I didn't?"

"No. Second of all, you didn't break up with Luka."

"I'm pretty sure that I did."

"Well then ...why do you care so much about what he does, or what he thinks, or who he helps, or what he thinks about you..."

"I dated the guy for a year, there's got to be some history."

"Maybe too much history."

"Well yeah, I had a life before John Carter. If you want someone with no history, you're going to have to... find yourself a virgin."

"No. I'll settle for someone who isn't hung up on somebody else."

"You don't have to settle for anything, Carter."

I stood up from the ground and stood still for a moment, staring the river. And the memories floating all over my mind. I turned and slowly walked away. I was driving my car until I noticed I was over at Luka's place. Great. Another memory. Like I said, everywhere I go something reminds me of her. I can't stay away from it. I just... can't.

"Don't break it"

"You owe me so big for this!"

"Oh my god!"

"What's wrong?"

"I left the keys in the apartment."

"That's it, mission aborted."

"Wait, hold it! Wait. He sleeps with the window open."

"Wouldn't it make more sense just to leave this out front?"

"What, so someone can steal it?"

"Who steals a fish tank? Come to think of it, who breaks a fish tank?"

"I told you, it was an accident."

"Okay, that's Luka's. Can you give me a boost up there?"

"Ha! No!"

"Just bend over."

"You could at least buy me dinner first."

"I have a bad back, you know."

"What are you implying?"

"I'm just saying, what if somebody sees us?"

"Alright, just relax. Are you ready?"

"Yep."

"Okay. It's stuck. Carter!"

I looked up at his place and noticed the lights were on. Maybe he has some woman with him. I wonder who is. This is the man I followed to Congo, to run away from my problems. It worked at first but then I realized that I was missing my one worst problem – love. Being in love. I scarily ran off as I noticed it was getting me. Completely. Body, mind, and soul. I was afraid she didn't feel the same. But she did. Only a stupid person like me couldn't notice that. I did. But I was terrified. And I think so was she. I didn't want to be the rebound guy. Though I felt so relieved when I kissed her and when we spent the night together. I felt like I was... floating. It was almost a dream.

"You awake?"

"Yeah."

"Monkey pox sounds like a video game."

"Or voodoo."

"Or VD."

"Lovely!"

"Does your back itch?"

"No."

"You're scratching it."

"I am, it's probably just psychosomatic."

"Want me to take a look?"

"No, I'm fine."

"It could be a rash, turn over."

"Do you think somebody did this on purpose?"

"Does it matter? Viruses mutate, that's what they do, we're more likely to control bio-terrorism than mother nature."

"Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better."

"No rash, nice tattoo though."

"College, I was drunk."

"Is that what I think it is?"

"I was going through a religious phase."

I came back to reality and drove home again. I admit I was a little fast. It made no difference for me.