Part 14:
Why everything has to be so hard? So painful. I slipped my robe in and headed to the bedroom. I looked at the empty room and I... I... just didn't want to wake up alone the next morning. I wish I could wake up and see her face. I sat in the bed and wondered. That's what I'm doing most these days. Wonder. Suddenly I looked over at the chest of drawers and noticed a paper on it. I stood and went to pick it. It was a letter. I froze at the thought of it. I carefully opened it and tears formed in my eyes. It was the letter I gave her in my last day at County. One year ago. I had no idea she kept it. But it made me happy. Showed she cared. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. She was in the lounge with Neela and Ray. I was passing by and decided to talk to them. As soon as I opened the door her eyes filled with tears. And so did mine. We both were afraid to show how each other our true feelings. I walked up to the window and looked at the stars. In these eleven years many people came and went. I met so many people but none of them had the effect, the impact you left on me. I'm staring at the sky and somehow I hope to see you. Suddenly I heard a baby crying. A cold sensation ran all over my body. I began to tremble. My worst fear playing a trick on me. I shook my head and moved to lay in the bed. After I did, I rolled to her side and tried to sleep. In vain. A few minutes – it seemed like hours – I heard the baby crying again. I quickly get up and went to the baby's room. Maybe Abby was needing help. Once I opened the door no one was there. And I was back to reality. No Abby. No baby. Just me. In this stupid house. All by myself. I didn't know if I cried or I laughed of hopeless. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I went to my room again and sat in the bed. I just put my hand on my eyes and let the tears fall. It's not fair. I now know how she felt that day. Not having anyone to sleep with, to feel safe with, to wake up with.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Did you see the eclipse?"
"Yeah, sort of."
"Pretty freaky, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"You have a rough shift?"
"Yeah, there was this guy, this MI, he asked me for a pen and some paper to write a note to his kids, I couldn't save him, but I could of..."
"What?"
"Nothing. Nothing's right here."
"Hey! I haven't seen you in a week, that's it? Luka called me, looking for you, he was under the impression I might know where you were. You're going, right? To Africa?"
"It's not Rio, but it's not here."
Then I started walking away. A few steps away I turned around and she was gone. I even considered walking back to meet her. But my pride was bigger than my love.
It's sad but it's true. Luka dragged me straight into this trap. Revenge and hate were – still are – always between us. I was stupid and blind enough to fall right into this thing Susan tried so hard to warn me and drag me out of. I know I should have listened to her and taken her advice. She really wanted to make this work – me and Abby. She got pretty mad when Abby showed her my letter. I admit I would feel the same if I were in her place. In Abby's place, I mean. Sending a letter is a childish and immature way to break up with someone. But I just couldn't face her at that moment. I had to face her a month later though. All the feelings came back when I hugged her. She said when we found our way back to each other that I wasn't very convincing. She knew by that moment feelings were still on. From her and from me too. She was good at noticing things when no one else did. Agreeing to take part on the family business was one of the things I admired most in her. Not actually taking a part, but going to events and stuff. She took it pretty serious. Said she wanted this to stick and she was going to work real hard for it. I cleary remember that day. When I left her alone in the event.
I went over to McNulty's clinic and I was devastated for being tricked. I got in my car and drove off. I stopped at her place and stared at the house for some minutes. Then I got off and moved to enter. Once inside I noticed everything was dark except for one light. The bathroom one. I slowly tiptoed to there and she was cleaning her face, to remove the make up. I walked behind her and slipped my hands on her waist. She wasn't really paying attention so she was startled a little when I rested my chin on her left shoulder. She just stared at the mirror and didn't say a word. So I spoke.
"Aren't you gonna say it?"
"What?"
"That you missed me"
"No", She tried to walk away, "You left me alone and madly get off on your jeep. How did you think I felt there huh? Oh I'm sure you didn't even realize you left me standing there like a un-feeling person!"
"That's not true! You were trying to lecture about my family!"
"No, I was only trying to help you. But hey, if you asked me to help you I'd be happy to. This is not a game. It's real. I want to get involved… for you. I mean, if you want me to"
"You don't wanna get involved. You'd be bored in the first day"
"Oh I see"
"What?"
"You think I'm not capable to do it"
"No, I -"
"It's okay. I understand"
She looked at me and walked away. I sighed with frustration. Then I went after her.
"Abby…listen"
"Do I really have to?", She asked with anger.
"Yes", I grabbed her arm, "Look, you wouldn't want to do this"
"I would", She turned to face me. "I would. And I'm sorry if I wanted to make you feel happy. I tried to be useful. I really wanted to help"
"I know Abby. I know"
"Then why are you making such a big deal of it? I'm your girlfriend and unless you don't want this to stick, I th -"
"I want this to stick", I interrupted. "I really do"
"Then let me be a part of your life!" She yelled, "Please"
I just stood there, looking down. She was staring at me, I could feel that. She then passed by me and went to the bathroom again. I stood still for some minutes in the dark room. I decided it had to stop. I slowly moved towards the bathroom and stared at her. My Abby. My wonderful girlfriend. I began to walk again and slipped my hands on her arms then to her waist and whispered in her ear.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to piss you"
She smiled but didn't move.
"You know, you're right. Maybe I was trying to make you stay away from it. It's just… I dated some women who were interested in my money"
"I'm not like them. I'm not this type John. I thought you knew", She said with a tone of disappointment on her voice.
"I know. I know. But…"
"You're doubting of me"
"No"
"Yeah you are"
"Abby"
"Right"
"Gamma doesn't like you"
"I figured"
"You'll thank me later. You wouldn't want to have a discussion with her, believe me"
"Okay"
"Don't be mad"
"I'm not"
"Really?". She nodded her head. "You looked beautiful today. You look beautiful all the time"
She smiled and said, "I don't. But thanks anyway"
"Yes you do" I spun her around to face me. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met", I lifted her chin so she could look at me. "Understand?"
I smiled happily but she remained serious. I brought her closer to my body.
"You were the prettiest woman at the event earlier"
"Haha, thanks" She whispered against my chest.
"Come on. It's past midnight. We have a shift early in the morning", I reached for her hand and took it, leading her to the bedroom.
"I get the impression we're not sleeping in there"
I smiled at her statement.
I heard the doorbell ringing. I went downstairs to answer it. Suddenly all my fears came back and I began to cry. I just hugged the person standing in front of me.