Title: Cat Shadows (6/?)

Author: Prospero Hibiki

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, Fox and WB Network. In no way are these aforementioned characters being used for my own personal profit, and this is not meant as an infringement of the copyright owned by any of the above entitys.

Rating: R (for language and the ever present possibility of violence)

Timeline: Immediately following the Season 2 episode "Halloween"

Spoilers: So far anything through "Halloween" is fair game...maybe more later. Though it's starting to look like I'm going to completely change what happens from then on. If only to keep myself from totally screwing up my mental timeline while writing.

Classification: Alternate Universe, anything else will become obvious as time passes.

Summary: Xander's possession during his sophomore year of high school did more to screw up his life than even he had thought at the time. Could what he'd considered his greatest failing be turned into an ability he could use, or would it ruin his second chance at happiness?

Author's Comments: After kicking this story around in my head for several months I've decided that I'd like to post the prologue to see if anyone thinks it has promise. That's actually pretty much it. I'll probably continue to write it even if people hate it, but comments from people who don't are always appreciated. Besides I kind of feel like actually posting things for a while instead of purely lurking. Also my infrequency of the postings is more due to having to completely rewrite the story after screwing up some major plot points that affect what occurs in later chapters than in any real laziness on my part. Though laziness certainly does contribute at some point. Oh, and for this chapter the words in between indicate written text.

xXx

Chapter 05: When I'm Gone

Looking up from my position just outside Buffy's window, I wonder once again just how long it will be before she gets in from her date with Angel. I've been getting rather bored waiting for her to show up. Just the mental picture of the two of them together and maybe even kissing is enough to send another shaft of pure ice into my heart. After my disappearing act on Thursday night I made some extra effort to be there for her, most to get rid of the guilt I still felt over hurting her in the library. A quiet closing of the door draws my attention to the inside of the room where Buffy has thrown herself onto her bed. I lightly tap on the glass with my claws to get her attention. When she opens it I pounce on her lightly making sure that I get in a good lick on her face.

"Hello to you too, Sphinx."

I frown, or at least give her the panther equivalent. She sounds awfully depressed considering how cheerful she was when I left her at the Bronze. She didn't even give me her usual giggle at my licks. Reaching out with my jaws I grab the hem of her skirt and pull her over to the bed. Once she's lying down I lay my head on her stomach. I've found out over time that she is occasionally cheered up when he pets me. Besides it feels sinfully good for me too...in a completely platonic way. Hell, who am I trying to kid here? I always love it when she touches me. Especially when she scratches that spot right behind my left ear. Oh yeah. Just like she's doing right now.

"I had my date with Angel today."

I'm again unable to repress the growl in my throat. Ever since the ritual that I cast a month and a half ago I've been unable to hide my antipathy towards the vampire. At first I thought it was just because he was a vampire, but it's not. He's different in some way, and it physically affects me somehow. I just wish I knew why.

"Oh hush. I know you don't like him; you don't have to advertise it." She sighs and it takes me a moment to reorient my mind from the distraction. Luckily she wasn't saying anything. "I guess it was okay. It just didn't touch me, you know? I spent the entire time distracted and didn't even care. Still don't really." My attention is now riveted to what she's saying.

"I guess he noticed; he'd have to be blind not to notice. So when he was dropping me off and tried to kiss me I let it happen. I mean, I was a pretty lousy date tonight. I spent all of my time thinking about what Xander said on Friday. That I tend to ignore everyone around me whenever Angel is around. I even figured that he was right. Not that he had any right to say so, because he didn't and it really hurt." Mentally I wince. "But Angel was the person I though I'd fallen for. It only makes sense that I pay attention to him. Now though I'm not so sure. Thing is I don't know how I feel about him. I though I cared about him, but when he kissed me I just didn't feel...anything. There were no fireworks, no earthquakes, no music. There was barely even distraction. I think he knew it too." She snorts. "How could he not know?" She threw her left arm over her face why continuing to scratch my ear with the other. "Am I just screwed up or what? And the strangest thing was that he did just what I'd always wanted him to do. Pushed the hair out of my eyes, brushed my cheek, tilted my chin, and kissed me while looking into my eyes. But nothing happened."

"Maybe it's a sign that I don't deserve to be happy. That the Slayer doesn't deserve to be happy. Maybe that's why Slayers are supposed to be raised by Watchers, so that they don't know what they won't have out of life."

I couldn't take it anymore and rose to nudge her arm out of the way revealing what I already knew I'd find. That she'd been crying. Gently I licked her tears away grinning cattily when she giggled. Her arms wrapped around my torso and she proceeded to hug me close. I closed my eyes for a moment and wished that all of this were real. That I was in her arms and she was in mine with nothing between us. None of the lies. And that she cared about me like I cared about her. I only wish that she felt that way too.

Time passed with the two of us lying there on her bed until she yawned. "If only you were human," she snuggles down deeper into her pillows. "I get the feeling ou understand me more than anyone else. Probably because I talk to you about the things I don't tell the others, but still." Her eyes start to droop and her voice gets slower but I can still make out the words if only barely.

"You'd make the perfect boyfriend." With that she is out like a light leaving me with a lot to think about as I begin the arduous task of extracting myself from Buffy's grasp. I don't think it needs to be said that I'm not going to get much sleep.

xXx

I'm waiting for her on the steps to the school when she is dropped off. Pausing only to take a fortifying breath, I stalk towards her only a small part of my brain noticing as people step out of my path as they unconsciously see my predatory demeanor.

"Hi Xander!" She seems happier now than she did the previous night. It also appears that I am also at least mostly forgiven for my nasty comment on Friday morning.

I step in front of her forcing her to come to a stop. Gently I reach up and push her hair aside and run the back of my hand down her face to her chin. It's odd, but before Buffy ever said anything last night, this is exactly how I've always wanted to touch her.

"Xander, I don't think..."

Placing a finger over her lips I lean in. "Don't think, Buffy. Feel." With that I remove my finger and pull her into a soul searing kiss.

At first she just stands there, and I really start to worry about my life expectancy after this kiss ends. Eventually though she takes up an active roll and starts to kiss me back, and the world around me starts to fade away. I don't want this moment to end. Because I know that when it ends, things will never be the same. When this kiss ends I'm going to lose forever the only girl I think I'll ever be able to love. So I want this one moment to last forever so I can imagine that Buffy loves me back.

We separate and I keep looking into her eyes that she might see the love I feel for her in them. I hope she will see it, and for a brief second it looks like she does until she shakes her head in confusion. My heart sinks.

"Why did...? Why?"

Seeing that she doesn't understand I try again and push all of my emotions into my words. "Because I'd like the chance to make you happy. You do deserve to be happy, Buffy." I see the confusion on her face for a second before it changes to fury. Now I realize my mistake. Not that I don't feel that way, because I do. I just really shouldn't have said it.

"You bastard!"

I see the fist coming and know without a doubt that this is going to hurt.

I'm right.

xXx

The trip to the library is still a blur to me since the throbbing of my jaw is making just about all other thought impossible. Well, the throbbing and the deep space chill of Buffy's glare. I'm sitting down in one of the straight backed chairs around the research tables when I tentatively reach up and touch my face. The lancing pain that shoots through my skull makes me jerk my hand back but not before I confirm what I'd suspected. Buffy's dislocated my jaw. I wave my hand at Giles and somehow manage to get across that I want something to write with.

"There you are. Now can one of you please tell me what the bloody hell is going on here?!"

Buffy opens her mouth but stops mid action. On her second attempt she manages to get out a few words. "He...Xander...Arggghhh!" Oh yeah. I'm so screwed.

Waving my hand once more I push the legal pad back across to Giles. Giles can you please relocate my jaw?

"I'd really rather not, actually. I dislike inflicting grievous pain upon students." I roll my eyes but cringe when I see Buffy still glaring at me. I knew at that moment that I'd just screwed up any chance of her loving me back. I need to apologize to her and writing it out just wouldn't work.

If you don't do it I'll do it myself.

"I doubt you would manage to stay conscious through the attempt. I think I would rather you went to the emergency room and had a professional treat you." Giles has fallen back into his usual standby of polishing his glasses.

Please. It's important.

"Xander, I doubt very much that there is anything you could say that would induce me to cause you that much pain."

Buffy's voice cuts into the silence. "He kissed me." Both mine and Giles' head whip around to face her, and when he turns back to me there is a rather sinister gleam in his eye.

"Okay, Xander. Let's get this started. Still, I must tell you that this is going to hurt you far more than it will me." Looking over at Buffy I saw the pain in her eyes and wanted to cry. I steeled myself and looked at Giles before writing another message on the pad.

It couldn't possibly hurt enough.

Giles positions his hands over my jaw and I tense up waiting for the pain. I can't help but look up into Buffy's eyes and try to silently tell her just how much she means to me. There's a blurring in my field of vision and the pain blossoms once more. The last thing I see before the blackness engulfs me is a tear that's managed to make its way down Buffy's cheek. I've made her cry once again.

xXx

"Xander, wake up."

"Oh. Hi Willow. I had this horrible nightmare. I finally had a shot at showing Buffy how much I love her and I fucked it up so completely that she hated me."

"That sounds about right to me."

I turn my head at the sound of Buffy's voice and the resulting pain in my jaw makes me gasp. "Oh God, you mean it wasn't a dream?" I roll over so that I wasn't facing anyone. "Just let me die." Slowly I bring my knees up to my chest and will myself into oblivion. Sadly it doesn't work.

"The hell I will! You're not dying until I get some sort of an explanation. If you still want to die then I'll be happy to oblige!"

I nod, still not feeling up to moving enough to face anyone. "Yeah," my voice cracks, "that sounds fair. But only Buffy. I'm only telling her. She can tell whoever the hell she wants, but I'm only going to tell her."

Everyone around me is quite for a few moments before I hear them start to leave. I only just notice that Ms. Calendar was also in here along with Giles, Willow, and Buffy. The doors to the library open and shut and the two of us are alone. Still, I can't seem to draw the energy to move. Buffy on the other hand is pacing back and forth. Finally she stops, and I don't need to look to see that she isn't facing in my direction. It makes it easier for me to stand up and sit back down in the chair that I must have fallen out of.

Looking up at her back I say the first thing that comes to mind. "I'm sorry, Buffy."

Finally she turns towards me. My heart breaks again at the sight of the tears that are escaping her eyes. "I don't even know what you're sorry for! I see you and you're no longer mad and I'm no longer mad and you do just the right thing and make me feel special and then you say that." She practically spits the word, and I flinch. "What's worse is that I can't understand how you know, so I hit you and I don't know what to feel anymore..." She trails off and the tears are flowing faster now.

"Buffy, I understand."

"Then explain it to me!"

I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry for violating the trust you put in me. I'm sorry for keeping secrets from you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for letting you think I'd been killed. Most of all I'm sorry for making you doubt my sincerity. But the one thing I'm absolutely not sorry for in the slightest is kissing you in order to show you how much you mean to me." Holy shit! Did I just say that? I'd had this whole speech planned out in my head about how to tell her that I can turn into a giant cat. Where in the hell did that speech go?!

"That still doesn't explain things."

"Er, you're right. I completely flubbed what I was going to say and I can't think of a better way to explain things than to show you. Just promise not to scream. Or maim. Maiming would be bad too. Definitely bad." Turning away from her I kick off my shoes before I start to take off my shirt while beginning the chant that would change me into my cat-self.

Buffy's voice breaks out into babble mode behind me. "I really don't think this is the right time to start stripping, Xander, because I'm still mad at you despite the fact you've gotten quite yummy this past year and I so did not just say that."

There was a pause during which I can practically see Buffy blushing despite not facing her and then a gasp as she watches one of her best friends turn into the large jungle cat that had slowly integrated itself into her life. Shaking myself I shed the clothing that no longer conformed to my body's shape.

"Xander?"

Grinning I pad over to the now kneeling Slayer and push her over backwards, placing my paws on her shoulders and give her nose a quick lick.

"You know, I hear they used to string tennis rackets with catgut." I don't take it as a sincere threat since she is smiling as she's says it. "I must admit though this does clear up my earlier confusion even if it brings up an entirely new confusion. And you've been sleeping with me in my room! The licks! I've been letting you kiss me for the past month!" Quickly I scamper out of her reach and grab my clothing in my jaws. Luckily for me it doesn't hurt anymore. Probably because the bones get all shifted around when I change. I do wonder if it'll hurt when I change back. Time to find out.

Two minutes later I'm coming out of Giles' office and straightening my clothes. "I know you have some questions for me, and I'll answer them all. I just need to know what you're going to tell the others. No matter what you decide I'll tell you everything." Sitting down in the chair I slip my sneakers back on. When I'm finished I look up to see Buffy's expression, hoping that there is some sign of how she's taking all of this. But there's nothing.

"I don't know what I'm going to tell them yet. Which I guess means that I'm not going to tell them yet." I let out a small sigh of relief. "But that doesn't mean you are off the hook. You are in serious trouble. I fully expect you to make it up to me too. This is going to involve groveling, pleading, expensive gifts, food, and flowers."

I blink, totally not understanding what she's talking about. The groveling and pleading I understand. But the other stuff... My head spins around to face her as she walks out of the library. She couldn't possibly mean...could she? I open my mouth to ask, but Buffy is already through the swinging doors. I fall back into the chair only now aware that I had even stood up.

I jump in surprise when I hear her voice again. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot." I'm going to get whiplash if Buffy keeps doing this to me. "Xander, I was never sorry about the kiss." With that she pulls her head back out through the doors.

Wow, this has to be a dream. Sighing I lean forward over the table and rest my chin on my hand. I can only imagine how many people heard my scream of pain.