DAVID
Fragile.
That's how I feel every second of my day. That at any given moment my body can be thrown into chaos and that I won't be able to help myself. That others around me will keep treating me like I'm some breakable glass doll. Every cough or sniffle sends my parents into a tailspin and is looked at as though it's life threatening. They don't know that I know that I'm under constant surveillance by the secret service. God, if I thought that I didn't have privacy before this whole diabetes thing, then I must have been out of my mind! Now I don't turn a corner or do my homework in my room without someone following me or standing down the hallway, watching my every move.
It almost makes me want to leave for college the day I get an acceptance letter.
I've applied to Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Boston University so far. When I was first looking into colleges, I was looking for art schools. But now I'm looking at medical programs and biomedical sciences. That's how much my life has been changed.
I can see how I've changed in these past five months. The first indication that I'd changed was the week after I was diagnosed, when Sam came in with a CD and told me to listen to it. I hadn't been in the best of spirits that week, but I pretended to smile and be cheery while she came to visit. She knew that I was pretending. We didn't talk much, which happened for at least three weeks after everything had happened. It was weird. At first she seemed too afraid to touch me or say the wrong thing. It didn't matter how many times I'd told her I was still the same old David.
It was right after she'd met Julie when she suddenly started seeing me almost every day. That's when Sam really started acting funny. I didn't ask her about it because of the circumstances, but I thought she might be jealous of Julie. I knew that she was afraid and confused and had questions, but I didn't want to push her to come to terms with something I hadn't even accepted myself. At that point the only person that understood completely what I was going through physically and mentally was Julie. It was so easy to talk to her, though it made me miss talking to Sam.
Anyway, when I looked on the CD cover, I realized that she'd written a paragraph or so for each song and why she'd chosen to put it on the CD. The first song that came up on my laptop was 'The Remedy' by Jason Mraz. I read the paragraph before I listened.
Jason Mraz wrote this for a friend who'd been diagnosed with cancer. His friend had such a positive outlook on life while he was sick that Jason felt inspired to write about how his life had been changed as well. I thought this song might make you feel a little better about things. I know that cancer isn't the same as diabetes, but I figured that it changes you in a lot of the same ways. I also thought that it was funny that it mentioned freedom and everything..being that your dad is the president..yeah, maybe it isn't as funny as I thought.
The second song was 'Change Your Mind' by the All-American-Rejects. I started laughing at the thought that each song had some kind of "American" theme to it. It was so Sam of her to do that. I went through the rest of the CD, passing by some Reel Big Fish and finally reached a song by Andrew McMahon from Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin. Her paragraph said something about how the singer had had leukemia and was in remission or something, but I was beginning to get annoyed. Every song was about people who were sick! I was all ready surrounded by sick people, and hated the reminder that I was as well. I took the CD out of my computer and shoved it back into its case. I wished that I wasn't feeling so down. I kept getting caught in the self pity trap and I wasn't sure how to get out of it. How long was this going to last? The anger started to build up again.
That's when I grabbed a random CD and put it on, plugged in my headphones, and made myself as comfortable as possible against my pillows.
Relient K 's 'High Of 75' came on, though I'd never heard it before, and I just couldn't will myself to pause it once it got going.
We were talking together
I said, "What's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was on my own volition
Or if I'm just missing the sun
And tomorrow I know
Will be rainy at best
And the forecast I know
Is that I'll be depressed
But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun
Because on and off
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather has been so bi-polar
And consequently so have I
But now I'm
Sunny with a high of 75
Since you took my heavy heart and made it light
And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive
And the temperature is freezing
And then after dark
There's a cold front
Sweeping in over my heart
And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun
Because on and off
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather has been so bi-polar
And consequently so have I
But now I'm
Sunny with a high of 75
Since you took my heavy heart and made it light
And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive
I paused the song when it was done and sat there for the longest time. For the first time I didn't feel angry. It made me think that Sam was trying to make a point with her CD before. That I should be happy to be alive. That while things were looking pretty horrible, there were even worse things. That maybe I should enjoy what I've got and try not to waste it. I'd been pretty depressed, but just then I was feeling a little bit better. I knew that if I didn't try and accept what was happening then it would affect my relationship with Sam. Our relationship was already being affected.
It took me two hours to pick up the telephone to call Sam, but I did it. I wasn't exactly sure why it was so hard to make the call. Maybe I was afraid of admitting that I was scared and angry and letting Sam know everything. Whatever the reason really was, I'm glad I made that phone call. It might just be the only reason why Sam and I didn't break up.