I'VE GOT A PROBLEM FOR YOUR SOLUTION
Disclaimer: If I owned Resident Evil do you think I'd be writing crappy fics? Well, probably I would, but that's not the point... I don't own it.
A/N: I should credit the idea for this story, though I don't remember who wrote the one I took inspiration from. Thank you whoever you are! Anyways this is a parody combining cliché elements of a detective story with Resident Evil characters, intentionally ignoring most of their backgrounds and so on, I made this just for fun so don't complain if they're kinda OOC.
Hey Lara, 'member our oneshot challenge thing? This one's for you.
The name's Leon Kennedy, friends call me Leon, the others... someone knows me as 'The Rookie' -long story about my very short career in the RPD, you really don't wanna know about it-, someone else as Kennedy PI, private investigator. I've got my own office, well, kind of. It's more like an old dump to me, but it works fine, and is just as much as I can afford. I also got an assistant, Ingrid Hunnigan, or Hunny as her boyfriend calls her. She helps me with the paperwork, answers the phone and tries to keep the place tidy, with little success I must add. The lady is cute, you may even consider her attractive, but she really ain't my kind of girl. Don't take me wrong, she's got the brains and I'm sure she's got a big heart of gold underneath her strict manners, she's just too icy cold for my likings, that's all. We make a good team though, she keeps me in line while I do the job.
Anyways, it was your usual early October Monday morning, just stepped out of the shower and was shaving in front of the mirror. I looked with satisfaction at my own reflection. Don't wanna sound cocky, but I'm one hell of a hot guy. Blond hair, blue eyes, a perfect smile and perfectly well toned body, the ladies should be fighting over a guy like me! And here comes the depressing part. Last time I dated a girl was six years ago, a pretty red hair named Claire. She was fine, no, she was gorgeous. She came to me searching for her missing brother, no word for a couple of months and she was worried. We grew quite close during the investigation and ended up dating. Everything went fine 'till her brother, Chris, popped out of the blue and eventually found me with his younger sister. Jeez, the man beat the crap out of me. The guy was an ex air-force or something, but what Claire forgot to tell me was that her bro was the leader of Stars, the toughest gang in town back in the days (now they don't have nearly as much power, they're down to the Cedar District and another few spots in the south side). Useless to say, that was the last time I saw Miss Claire Redfield.
I put away the razor and washed the remains of shaving cream off my face. With the depressing thought of my ex girlfriend I grabbed my trenchcoat and went to my car. The old lady is nothing to be proud of, but she takes me where I have to go and never let me down, that's all I ask of her.
Raccoon City is always damn crowded and traffic is a curse I got to endure every morning. Especially on Mondays. And guess what... I hate Mondays. It was awfully late when I finally parked in front of my office. My week was starting as bad as usual and Ingrid was probably going to bitch about me not being on time.
"Goodmorning, comrade!" getting out of the car I was greeted by Ingrid's man.
"Hi 'comrade'. Kinda hot for your average October day, ain't it?", he was wearing his white undershirt, not bothering to put on his jacket. I mean, it wasn't that hot, but the guy simply loved to show off his muscles.
"Blame the globular warming."
I smirked. "You mean global warming..."
"Whatever. Global...globular..." meet Jack Krauser, the most ignorant man on earth.
"Payed a visit to your Hunny?"
Those two are the strangest couple in the world, they're complete opposites, Jack's an ex-military, as strong as a rock, he's an overall good guy, but he ain't got much upstairs if ya know what I mean. Better not to ask what they find with each other.
"Just asked her out to dinner," he jumped into his car. "Better watch out comrade, she's kinda pissed." As usual. She always was. I walked up to my 'lovely' office and couldn't help noting the tag on the door. Few years ago you could see my name all spiffy and bright, nowadays all you can read is 'Ke n dy P.I.', guess I should change it one of these days, one may think some cartoon doll's running the business. Stepping through the door I was ready for some of Ingrid's complaints. "'Morning, Ingrid. Any calls, today?" I asked her displaying my best smile. Instead of chastising me she muttered something and shook her head toward the glass door of my office. I turned my head and I saw her. That moment I knew my life was about to change.
Behind the opaque glass I could see her curvy shadow waiting for me. I opened the door and there she was, legs that seemed to go on forever showing from the slit of her red dress, this sexy bombshell with a dynamite body was standing right in front of my desk.
"Please, take a seat." I said, sitting on my armchair to face this beautiful stranger. Her short raven hair slightly covered her features. The black traces of mascara on her flawless cheeks told me those hypnotizing hazel eyes must have been crying not too long ago.
"Good morning Miss..."
"Ms Wong, Ada Wong." she said sitting on the chair in front of me.
"Ms Wong... how can I help you?"
"I'm desperate, Mr. Kennedy..." she began sobbing. "I'm desperate... " she covered her face with her pale hands. "My boyfriend," she burst into tears, "he disappared..." Boyfriend. Damn. I knew it. Babes like that one always end up in someone else's arms.
I offered her a box of tissues. "Please, Ms Wong..." I was never good with crying women, "tell me what happened. What's your boyfriend's name?"
She calmed down a little then answered me, "John. He's name's John Howe. We were supposed to leave for Paris one week ago but he didn't show up. I tried to call him on the phone but he didn't answer, I went to his place but didn't find him there. I asked his colleagues if they'd seen him but nothing," she started sobbing again.
I remembered hearing his name somewhere..."What's his job, who's he working for?"
"I don't really know much about his job, we've been dating for less than a month... I think he's a barman or waiter at The Mansion."
I jolted on my feet, "The Mansion?! You mean Spencer's Mansion?"
Oh right, I guess it's time to tell you about the most exclusive nightclub in Raccoon City. All the big names in town spent their fancy evenings at The Mansion. Politicians, movie Stars, hit list singers, businessmen, even nobles, you name it. Everyone who had the money would want so waste it there. Top model Alexia Ashfordwas often seen at the club, so were Ambassador Sergei Vladimir and Senator James Marcus. But everybody knew that behind the sparkling lights and expensive dresses, The Mansion was also the HQ of the most powerful gang in town, the Umbrella. Everybody knew but nobody talked 'cause Ozwell 'Ozzy' Spencer was rich and powerful enough to keep those mouths sealed, one way or the other. Where did that Ozzy name came from? One of his gals, Lisa, called him that, somehow his pet name got out and it stuck to the old gangster. Ozzy wasn't very pleased with it... let's just say his gal, Lisa, mysteriously disappeared sometime later. Anyway, the boss was rarely in town, he had other business across the country, and left his best men in charge of the Mansion: Will Birkin, known as 'the Doc', and Al 'Kitty Eyes' Wesker. To this day I still haven't got a clue on why people gave him that odd nickname. As far as I know, no one -aside from his buddy the Doc-, has ever even seen him without his shades.
If Ms Wong's boyfriend had messed up with those people, the guy was most surely gone for good. But I couldn't tell this to the beautiful lady in front of me, could I?
"I'll pay you, no matter what the cost... please find him, Mr Kennedy... I need to know what happened to him, to know if he's still alive or... or..." A lone tear ran down her cheek.
I definitely had to help her, no matter if it meant to throw myself into deepest shit to find a dead man. "Don't worry, Ms Wong. I'll find him, I'll do my best." A slight smile formed on her red lips, a smile that could have melted the thickest ice. Anything for her.
"Here's my number, should you find anything." She handed me her name card.
"Sure thing, Ms Wong." I said leading her to the door.
"Thank you..." She planted a soft kiss on my cheek and left. I hardly believed what had just happened as I stood by the door like an idiot. I heard the sound of her high heels on the sidewalk and sped to the window to catch one last glance of her breath-taking figure.
I leaned in my armchair and noticed Ingrid's disappointed glare. "What's that for?" I asked.
"John Howe. Doesn't that remind you of something?" She crossed her arms. "C'mon Leon, John Howe..."
It did but I really couldn't place him anywhere, "Someone I know?" The one thing I really loved about my assistant was her perfect memory for names.
"What if I said 'Lapdog' John?"
I sat up, "Didn't he work for..."
She nodded. "Better be careful, Leon. I'm not so sure you wanna deal with this, it's dangerous people we're talking about. I wouldn't trust that Ms Wong if I were you, she's one smart lady."
Lapdog John, one of the Doc's flunkies. I hadn't heard much about John, but his boss... Will Birkin was pretty famous.Though everybody called him 'the Doc', hardly anyone would ever want to end up on his table. People said he made human experiments, that he was a loony scientist. People usually say a load of bullshit, but I couldn't be so certain whether to believe those stories or not. Sure thing was that the guy was dangerous. Nearly as dangerous as his best pal Kitty Eyes Wesker. Those two were the right and left hands of the Devil.
Hunnigan was probably right, and that smart cookie probably knew a great deal more than she admitted to, but I was determined to see it through. And a little chat with the Doc was the first step of my investigation.
--
The Mansion should have been the obvious place to find Will Birkin, but you don't simply go there and ask around. No one gets in without an invitation, and you really don't want to get your ass kicked by the bouncer at the door, that Nemmy Boy could scare the shit out of anyone. No. The Mansion was off limits. I had to find another way to talk with the Doc. I had nothing but an old address, I doubted I would find him there but it was worth a try.
I parked my car across the street. The house looked abandoned. Either that or they really should have done some cleaning every once in a while. I knocked the front door then tried with the back. I peaked through the dirty windows. Nothing. I was about to leave when I noticed a freak standing by my vehicle. No doubt he wasn't there to steal it.
"Looking for someone, strangahr?" He said with the weirdest accent.
"What d'ya want?" That guy had something vicious.
"Me? Nuthing. But I bet you're looking for the Birkins, ain't ye?" He might have had a scarf over his face but I swear he was smirking. "Might have news for ye, detective."
"I'm listening."
"Not so fast, strangahr. Cash first." The greedy pig relieved me of a hundred bucks. "They moved some time ago, to the Cedar District. Ye'll find 'em not too far from the Los Illuminados chapel."
"Nothing else?" He shook his head. The weirdo had pretty expensive information. "Be going then."
"Come back any time, strangahr." Yeah sure. Forget it.
A/N: It's stupid but I'm having fun with this... BTW, it was first uploaded as a oneshot, but it was damn too long so I divided it into a 2 chapters min-fic.