Chapter 5
"Holy shit!" cried Light.
"Holy shit!" cried Brian.
"Holy…crap," said L, who was not accustomed to profanity.
"Holy shit!" cried the Japanese task force.
"Holy shit!" cried Spongebob, who jumped out of nowhere.
Ryuzaki shot Spongebob through the head, and kicked him to Mars.
"That's right, you bunch of repetitive and rather clever fuckers!" cried Lord Voldemort, holding the Death Note to his chest, "You may have outsmarted me, but I still have control of the Note Death-!"
"It's Death Note-," interjected Rem.
"Shut up, you bitch or bastard!" screamed Lord Voldemort/Higuchi, who promptly kicked Rem to Mars, "I still have control of the Death Note, and I shall now kill you all!"
"Why don't you just kill us using the "Avada Kedavera" curse?" said Light curiously.
"So that's how you pronounce it!" cried Voldemort, his eyes lighting up, "What a great idea! I will kill you all using the Avada Kedavera curse!"
Everyone glared at Light.
"What?"
"Why to fucking go, genius," said Brian sullenly, "Now we're all screwed."
Suddenly logic returned to the story, and all of a sudden Voldemort turned back into Higuchi. "Damn it!" he screamed, foam flying out of his mouth. He tried to run, but Matsuda kicked his groin and sent Higuchi writhing on the floor in agony.
"Arrest this crazy son of a…pregnant dog," said L.
Matsuda and Aizawa handcuffed Higuchi and put tape across his face, mouth, and ears. Then they put a headset on him.
"Dipshits!" yelled Brian from the helicopter, "He can't answer or hear you if you tape that stuff shut! Tape his ass shut if you want to! Jeesh!"
Matsuda looked at the tightly wound tape around Higuchi's head. "I'm sorry, but it looks like we've taped it so hard the tape has become part of Higuchi's skin."
"Damn it, now we can't get information!" said Light sullenly, kicking at Brian's seat.
"Damn it, now I wish you could stop kicking my seat!" yelled Brian.
"Damn it, what crawled up your asshole this morning?" screamed Light.
"Damn it, why can't you stop being so gay?" shouted Brian.
"Damn it, why can't you just be sane for once?" bellowed Light.
"Damn it, why can't you stop raping guys?" screeched Brian.
"Damn it, why can't your comebacks make sense?" howled Light.
"Damn it, why do week keep on saying damn it and our author is using a thesaurus?" barked Brian.
"Damn it, I don't know, why can't you be a normal person?" hollered Light.
"Damn it, why do you have to be such a normal freak?" cried Brian.
"DAMN IT, WHY CAN'T YOU TWO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, SIT YOUR ASSES BACK DOWN, AND STOP SHITTING OUT RANDOM FUCKWORDS YOU FUCKTARDS?" said/ yelled/ screamed/ shouted/ bellowed/ screeched/ howled/ barked/ hollered/ cried L, his eyes red and the veins in his eyes threatening to pop out.
Everyone stared at L as though they were seeing him for the first time.
L sat back down. "I…I apologize."
Brian raised his eyebrows. "No, no, that was good, Ryuga. You should do that more often."
Outside, Higuchi started to suffocate.
"Damn it…uh…let's…just kill him, it'll put him out of his misery," said Light, taking out the Death Note.
"Wait, wait, no so fast," said L, his eyes narrowing, "Do not forget I still suspect you of being Kira."
"What does it matter?" Light said, desperate to kill Higuchi himself so he could get the Death Note back, "Here…I'll pay you a hundred bucks, and I get to use the Death Note."
"NU." L said, an air of finality in his tone, "Give me the Death Note." L started tugging on it.
"NU, give ME the Death Note!" snarled Light, trying to yank it back. While they were pulling, Brian sighed and wrote Higuchi's name down.
"RREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAGRRRRRRRRRTAJHKLUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!" screamed Higuchi, who immediately died of a heart attack.
L and Light looked at each other. "Wait…if he died, and Brian wrote down the name, but only we were holding onto it…who has ownership of the Death Note now?" Light asked.
Brian shrugged. "You can have it."
L and Light glared at each other.
"You know full well that it is MINE," said L, tugging it back.
"No, but I was holding onto it."
"So was I!"
"No, I was holding onto a BIGGER PORTION of it."
"The Death Note doesn't work like that!"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
"How do YOU know…KIRA?"
"I'm…I'm not Kira!"
"THE CASE IS SOLVED!" screamed L, foam hitting Light on the face, "HE ADMITS IT!"
"I didn't admit anything, you foo'!" yelled Light, spitting an equal amount of foam in L's face.
Brian glanced at the readers of the story. "I apologize, folks. I promise we'll have this settled when the next chapter comes out…"