Disclaimer: Not mine. See, because if it were I'd have found a much better way of exacting Sousuke's feelings to the surface in a way that he could understand . I do hope that went over alright.
"It's not a problem." Full Metal Panic Various Episodes

Simply Whisper
Chapter 7: It is a problem
By: Miz-Lou

"I guess... she must have had another episode." Kurz looked deep into the amber liquid as if it were speaking to him. Mao looked over at him surprised.

"Episode?"

The noise of the submarine social room was enough not to cause the Sergeant Major excess anxiety at the mention of the word. The way Chidori had looked was...

Kurz nodded breaking eye contact with his crystalline date. "She had one once, in front of me."

Mao leaned in close truncating each word, "What are you talking about?"

"Back in Khanka, she started just... speaking aloud. First it was muffled and almost foreign, then I understood every word - but... there is just no way she could have. She knew all of our weaknesses sis, Mithril's weaknesses. She could never pilot a mech but she knew every way of bringing one down. There's no easy way to say it but, hasn't it been strange that I've never questioned our mission to guard her since then?"

Melissa allowed herself to blink and sit back again.

"That girl." Kurz shook his head looking at the countertop. "She's dangerous."

This topic, however, heightened adrenaline. Mao narrowed her eyes, twisted at a hardened nail before deciding on a cigarette. Heading outside to light the aroma therapy to calm her nerves the blonde took her cue and followed her outside. Noting the limp was recovering nicely, it wouldn't be too long before Mao would be fully recovered. The thought made him smile.

"Looks like that experience really shook you." Mao stared with her head down between parted knees before passing the cigarette over to Kurz. He looked at the dim ember in the nightfall.

Unreal. That was the only way to describe it. "Like something straight out of science fiction."

"Wow." The raven haired soldier smothered the flame against the inside of her toughened boot. "Could you imagine what it must have been like for Sousuke?"

Kurz shook his head in an automatic and half-attempted matter, as his thoughts were on something else. "She saved him," Mao already knew. "And sis, he feels like he owes her his life. He already doesn't know what to do with those feelings, but for him to fall in love with her of all people."

Mao smiled, "You of all people should know, you can't help who you fall in love with."

Kurz didn't so much as wince at the truth of the statement. "I feel really bad for him."

Leaning back against the moaning aluminum siding of the munitions shed she stared up at the night sky creeping in. "It probably doesn't help..."

"What?"

"That he's under disciplinary action right now."

o.o.o.o.o

Sousuke felt the harsh crack of the words and chose not to react. Kalinin narrowed piercing eyes.

"It's not a problem." Sousuke spoke the words into the phone as he was told he would be restricted from seeing the 'Whispered Subject' the next two weeks.

She has a name, Sousuke snarled inwardly.

Handing the receiver back to Kalinin at dismissal he watched without hearing the conversation. Back turned to the junior soldier Kalinin took the orders from HQ after assessment of the former day's events.

No stranger to disciplinary action, Sousuke had never been on the receiving end of the actual progression. He had only heard stories of the protocol, which made him wonder on the reasoning for his being in Kalinin's office to explore this new adventure in the first place.

He always followed orders with the utmost precision. That was his job. He did the best he could with what he was given. Taught and learned never to question orders. But she seemed to remove that inhibitory sequence from his thought process. How far had he come from Helmajistan, to fall this far?

The receiver marked the end of the conversation. Turning about on a heel in a habitual about-face Kalinin faced the one he had taken under his wing several years ago. He knew the boy in front of him, but knew not where his actions came from as of late.

Assessing the perfect pruning of the uniform in front of him, and the weapon it clothed, Kalinin circled several times not saying a word.

o.o.o.o.o

Much in the same fashion Chidori circled her bookshelf, eyeing the binder in a mix of ardent betrayal, mistrust and incredulous anxiety of how to even start the request of utmost importance bestowed upon her.

Kalinin had handed her the journal and asked her to describe her Whispered events as best she could. It was pertinent she not leave out a single detail. The weight of the success of the mission lie on her.

The wording was original, but, the tone and, indeed, innate foreign nature of the words themselves made her break out in a cold sweat. Did he even know what he was asking of her?

She didn't want to experience them, much less relive them in writing what had happened long after the fact. What if that triggered another one in and of itself? And honestly, how much could she write when she could hardly remember her name afterwards.

Tugging forcefully at the binding, Chidori slammed the book on the table as if mimicking the action of taking down a foe and hastily snatched up the pen on the desk. Bringing a foot up to plant it on the top of the chair she hugged her knee.

If I don't know I'm doing, then I have to help those who do, Chidori reasoned experiencing a self-loathing she'd never felt before. Pressing the ink to paper she scratched out the recounters in words.

There was one time when I was looking at the carpet in a local restaurant...

o.o.o.o.o

"... Questioning the drive and motives of your allies is best left to your own free time." Kalinin finished up his winded lecture on the audacity of shooting Mithril equipment with intent to destroy, yelling at a commanding officer and revealing Mithril as the Benedict Arnold of a mole.

"Deployment on the next mission is not your option." Kalinin surrendered the words to a room full of silent turmoil. The young Sergeant's face resisted wincing at the words while the Russian native towered over. "You'll do well to come to terms with it."

For a long time Sousuke sat unmoving, but allowed his teeth grit under a stone mouth. An hour seemed to have passed before he issued the words. "Yes, sir." Kalinin, not quite satisfied with his own actions or the answer itself, gave the impression that he was heading toward the exit. "But sir, you should know. It is a problem."

"Sagara," the paternal tone had come back. "I don't know what has been going on with you, Soldier." And the tone was quickly replaced by the informal reference. Kalinin took a couple scratches at an imaginary itch on his forehead. The large calloused hand sat poised with a thumb against a temple, the edge of the palm resting along the middle of the sweat beaded brow and the fingers slowly pulling at the massaged skin.

Sousuke sat immobilized. The silence filtered into the room once again. When Kalinin had rescued him years ago he had discovered it was the boy's nature to simply watch those around him, he never spoke a word that wasn't necessary. Like his life was limited, so was his words. They were precious to him.

All the wiser, Kalinin retreated. The door clicked shut echoing freedom.

A stale freedom at best. Sousuke grabbed at his hair and fisted against his forehead. After all, it was words like that that warranted disciplinary action.

o.o.o.o.o

Kurz wandered around a little bit, picking at a crack with the toe of his boot and philosophized why they required steel-toed boots anyway. The little room exuded all that was Sergeant Serious. Not a thing was out of place, not an extra thing resided in the barracks room.

It had been a couple of hours and the soldier hadn't returned - still he persisted. Sousuke being Articled had to be hard on him. If they weren't careful Kurz had a feeling Mithil was going to have a real problem on their hands. Then again, maybe they finally scared him away.

For lack of a better word, hard wasn't enough to describe it when you are taken in by one of the highest ranking officials in the West Pacific Fleet. Kurz always thought that, aside from Sousuke's native nature of militaristic perfection, the young boy had a lot of burden on his soldiers to live up to the image of Kalinin. This would certainly be a strike against him. And then, to act in a way that would only make him hate the machine he would have to harmonize with on top of that...

These thoughts fueled Kurz out of his comfortable position. He made his way to the hanger where he found the dark-haired boy sitting on the foot of his mecha.

"I thought I'd find you here." Kurz approached nearly visibly cautious and crawled up the fifteen foot incline to take a seat beside him. The vacant look wavered nearly a split second at the comfort of someone, anyone caring for his whereabouts and reflected in the depths of his steel eyes before extinguishing. The blonde sat in respectful silence with him- understandingly, uncomfortable - as if it were the first time in Kurz' life to sit quiet and civilized. The aura around Sousuke made Kurz feel uncomfortable.

A twitch, a movement, anything! Kurz waited for a cue that he could start talking. A futile wish. Readjusting himself he surveyed that this seat wasn't nearly as comfortable as the one in the barracks he had just left. Pining for the comfort he left, Kurz sighed and lowered his voice, "How are you doing, man?"

The silence replied, filling the hanger with forbearance.

But urgency continued the conversation, if only one-sided. "Sousuke, the last time we talked... you need to talk about it."

Muscles stiffened. A depressed voice, "I'd rather not talk about it."

Kurz waved a hand through the hair sideways after a decent silence, "It's natural to have feelings for a woman."

"You've proven that." A kind of sarcastic hint tinted the words further highlighting Sousuke's desire not to talk.

But the blonde returned the volley, "I'm not talking about me here. I'm talking about you. Those things you are going through are not disobeying orders, they're not jeopardizing your mission and they're not wrong, Sousuke. You didn't do anything that anybody else in love wouldn't have done."

"This is NOT me! I'm a professional acting like an amateur, hurting people in the process because I can't comprehend anything on the battlefield but I can comprehend things out in a field." The hatred melted away to fear. The last sentence had ended abruptly like a train wreck, as if something were on his mind. And distracting him. The last words Kurz had said...

In love? Playing with the foreign idea he mulled it over in his head, what he had seen in media, movies and even read were a very limited exposure to the concept. And he finally admitted in his internal dialogue that it scared him.

Kurz offered to answer any questions Sousuke might have, adding that this conversation was confidential.

"I... I have no idea what love is. How can you be so sure that I am experiencing it?" It was innocent. But still sounded like a response to a medical diagnosis.

Kurz nearly busted out with, 'Are you kidding man!?' alongside a jovial backslap but straightened his jaw.

"Do you feel a torture that no insurgents have ever put on you, and never would be able to, when she is in danger?"

Sousuke searched his emotions, "I feel called to duty-"

"That's not what I'm saying, bro. I'm talking aside from Mithril and its responsibilities. Strictly emotions - what is going on inside of you."

Feebly, "Yes."

"When she rushes to you to hold you after you've been in danger, do you feel weak?"

"How do you mean?"

"Like you've got food poisoning," Kurz summed well-aware of the young man's exposure to such conditions.

"If you're talking it's confined to the stomach then not particularly."

Kurz almost sighed, which was sure to be followed by a self-induced head slap. Sousuke continued, "Because my knees seem to be affected too."

A smile almost blew his serious behavior at the words. "That's it! That's love!"

Sousuke shook his head still not understanding. An insurmountable amount of courage filled Kurz, he would make Sousuke understand.

"Look. Your life before Kaname Chidori, can you remember it?"

"Well."

"You've been a soldier since you were born, right?"

"Affirmative."

"That's it. It's love when she makes you want to throw out your oath as a soldier and take a new one."

Something suddenly snapped in his mind and a drooped expression was replaced with one of awe.

"Even... if I don't comprehend what that new oath is?" Sousuke tentatively offered up.

"Yup. In fact, that's the very basis of love." He chuckled only after he finished saying it and nearly rolled his eyes continuing, "You'll find it changes quite frequently too. Daily almost."

"Inconsistency..." Sousuke seemed on to something and Kurz watched the thoughts march on in his comrade's head. Turmoil again replaced his features and Kurz read his mind.

"Your kiss did not do that to her Sousuke. And if you were to kiss her again, she will not end up in a coma." His audience's features relaxed a little. "I never told you this... about what happened to her..."

o.o.o.o.o

Mithril Headquarters

Sydney, Australia

"Sir. You're needed on the line, sir."

Heavy laid medals clanked languidly, "Mithril HQ, General Voda speaking. How may I help you sir/ma'am?"

"Is everything ready?"

Lord Mallory's authority over the Mithril Governing body through the years had taught him to be straight to the point, time was always an issue and of utmost importance. "Yes sir, ready to send the fleet at your command."

"Do it."

o.o.o.o.o

Still on shaky legs, as if a horse that had just been birthed, Sousuke felt a cold sweat start to trickle at the base of his neck. He listened to Kurz' encounter with Chidori before she had directed the moves on the battlefield successful against Venom, he listened to the way she was acting, analyzed it against her common behavior pattern and still fell short of fully processing all that Kurz was telling him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. And I'm sorry you have to know." Kurz tied his over shirt around his waist before stretching a bit.

Still there was one point of intense illogic behavior he wouldn't let pass, "She slammed her head into a tree?"

"Yes," Kurz chewed on his lip a bit, "it was almost as if she were going crazy. I mean, like she was being beat up but she was the one doing it to herself! Some invisible something, man. I- I don't know any other way of explaining it."

Sirens wailed throughout the base, jolting the two into action.

"Sousuke!" Kurz called sideways over his shoulder to his comrade, "you have to tell Angel."

"What?" Sousuke stopped dead in his tracks.

"Look man, we're going into battle - you have to tell Kaname how you feel."

It was important, but not that important. "No-" the word was clipped as he was experiencing intense anxiety and confusion. This battle that wasn't his to fight lay before him with that cursed Arbalest his mecha and now Kurz was bringing this other one on. He felt it bubbling in him, it was a lot for one man to handle.

"You have to!"

"No-"

"Now."

"I can't!" Sousuke yelled, all sense of control lost. "I can't, alright!? How? How am I supposed to tell her? How do I tell her I can't breathe when she saves me - especially from myself? Just drop by. Tell her I never forgot her notebook on the de Danaan, that I keep it just to have something that reminds me of her around when I'm ordered to the bottom of the depths of the ocean- how I'm, I'm supposed to be a soldier. That I am a soldier, I never fulfill my duties inconsistently- but since her that's all I ever do? How do I tell her that I can't make it without her and then- tell her I have to run because I'm to report to the Arbalest- huh, how Kurz!?"

"That oath of yours is constantly changing, huh?" Kurz winked and continued to roll call.

That's when it hit the ever searching Sergeant. He had answered his own question. Figured everything out.

Now that he had his answer he didn't quite know what to do with it - but he had been searching so long, like a veteran fighting a war he didn't start and didn't understand, he just had to do something. Sousuke turned and ran to her room, slamming open the door without a hint of decorum. Manners were secondary to his cause. The pounding of his heart drown everything else out. The darkness tampered his view, flitted at the edge of his vision.

Chidori was not there.