Part 7
"Anakin."
The boy stopped and dashed towards Obi-Wan, breaking loose from the rowdy group of triumphant pilots. His face was alive with excitement.
"I did it!" he cried. "I blew up the control ship!" he skidded to a halt before the haggard young Knight.
Numb to the show of exuberance, Obi-Wan just stared down at the child with broken eyes, reining his screaming grief behind an iron mask as he clutched desperately to the last shred of control that was keeping him upright. That last fragile shred that had kept him from the brink of insanity since the healers had pried Qui-Gon's cooling body from his desperate grip.
He supposed his rigid expression must have come across as disapproving because the boy suddenly looked contrite. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, sir. But Master Qui-Gon told me to stay in the cockpit--"
"I know, Anakin," Obi-Wan cut across him tightly before the boy could say any more. "You did well."
The child beamed before glancing past Obi-Wan, eyes searching.
Here it came.
"Where's Master Qui-Gon? Is he coming?"
Obi-Wan swallowed, wanting, needing to be somewhere, anywhere else. But he knew that this bitter duty lay with him. "Anakin…" he grasped the boy's shoulders and knelt down. He opened his mouth to speak but he suspected Anakin could already read the terrible truth carved upon his face. "Master Qui-Gon…" his voice trembled dangerously. "Master Qui-Gon didn't make it. He-he didn't make it, Anakin."
The hanger bay around them suddenly grew very still.
"No," the boy whispered, looking towards the door as if willing Qui-Gon to walk through right then and prove that this was all a bad joke.
Obi-Wan hung his head until the boy's attention returned to him. The round blue eyes were now filling with tears, tears that Obi-Wan himself was straining to keep at bay.
In that instant he felt a flash of resentment. His Master was dead and his life was irreparably broken. Why was he here having to comfort this child that he barely knew, the same boy that had threatened to usurp his place at Qui-Gon's side? He shouldn't have to do it. It was unfair!
But deep down he knew that that was a selfish thought. One unworthy of him and the Jedi.
The boy had begun to shake with the effort of holding back his tears. Obi-Wan sighed. Firmly pushing his resentment deep down where it could not yet be felt, he took pity and reached out, drawing the boy against him.
It was all that was needed to send Anakin over the edge. The boy collapsed against Obi-Wan's chest as he cried out his grief and confusion into the soft, creamy tunics.
Obi-Wan held him silently, waiting patiently for the storm to subside. Providing shelter like Qui-Gon had always done for him.
A shudder of pain tore through his body and Obi-Wan felt his ragged control crack. That last shred had begun to fray. He closed his eyes against the burning tears. Please… He just wanted to be away from here now.
After what seemed like forever, Anakin's sobs finally eased and the boy drew away, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, reluctant to meet Obi-Wan's gaze.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, sir," he mumbled to the ground.
Drawing breath, Obi-Wan reached out a trembling hand and lifted his chin, wiping the last tear away from his cheek. "It's alright, Anakin," he croaked.
The boy nodded slowly then turned from him. Amidala had appeared somewhere during the proceedings and she stepped up to kneel before the boy, ruffling his hair sympathetically.
Thanking every small mercy in the universe for the distraction Obi-Wan bowed swiftly to the Queen and turned on his heel.
He had to get out of there.
His composure was breaking.
All but running through the Palace Obi-Wan did not break stride until he had reached his assigned quarters and barricaded himself inside.
And there his fragile shields shattered. All his checked emotions came rushing forth to hit him afresh in single a crushing wave. Anger, grief, guilt, pain, shear blinding pain.
With a wail of anguish, Obi-Wan collapsed to his knees in the middle of the floor, burying his face in the soft carpet and soaking it in endless tears. He wrapped his arms around his head and could not breathe for the cries that tore from his throat.
He felt as if he would scream forever.
The terrible day grew old and night set in but still Obi-Wan did not move. Not even when he sensed a powerful presence approaching and heard the bolted door being drawn to permit an entrance. He knew instantly who it was and he resented the disturbance.
So, his message had gotten through after all, he thought bitterly.
He tensed as a tiny three fingered hand came to rest in his hair, but still he did not look up.
"With the Force he is now, Obi-Wan," Yoda said. "Let him go you should."
That did it. A sudden searing rage ripped through Obi-Wan. Rage at the little Master for speaking those hated words and rage at the Force for taking Qui-Gon from him before he was ready to say goodbye.
Jumping to his feet he backed sharply away from the ancient Master who was regarding him steadily from the floor. "Let him go?! Well as I see it he is already gone. That Sith took him from me and I did nothing! Nothing!"
Tears spilled down over his cheeks, hot and stinging, but he refused to heed them.
"Change what happened, you think you could have?" Infuriatingly calm.
Obi-Wan spun away, hiding his face. In a strangled voice he said, "I should have been there. Protected him from that beast! I should have done something! Found a way to save him!"
"Perfect you are not," Yoda answered steadily. "Claim that nobody can. Skilled warrior the Sith was. Not your fault it is."
Obi-Wan was shaking with fury. How dare anybody try to ease his grief when this blame was his to bear. Desperately he tried to release his turmoil… and failed miserably.
With a wild cry he faced the waiting Master. "It's all my fault! I was his Padawan! His friend! I could have saved him!" Suddenly spent, Obi-Wan crumpled slowly to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably at Yoda's clawed feet.
Yoda said nothing, could say nothing to help him. Not yet. He just reached into the Force and focused it on the Padawan's raging emotions, blunting them as much as he could until he knew that Obi-Wan was safe to leave.
"Not your fault it is, Obi-Wan," he said finally. "Let him go, as he would want, heal you it will." With those words Yoda shuffled towards the door, closing it behind him and leaving Obi-Wan alone once more.
Alone.
Unable to bear the silence crushing in on him, Obi-Wan grabbed Qui-Gon's cloak from where he had left it and stumbled outside onto the balcony before dropping back to the ground beneath the blanket of watchful stars.
Shuddering he wrapped himself in the familiar, worn fabric of Qui-Gon's cloak, inhaling the comforting scent.
Slowly his anger burnt out, leaving only a cold emptiness in its wake. He felt like dying himself.
"I'm so sorry, Master," he murmured to the empty air. "I should have been quicker… could have been there… could have reached you in time. It's all my fault… forgive me." The senseless words fell from his mouth but Obi-Wan did nothing to stem their flow. A cool breeze brushed past and he held his Master's cloak more securely around his shoulders. He shuddered as if crying but in truth he had no more tears left to shed.
Feeling hot and cold at the same time he cast his gaze to the stars. "Force, help me, Master. I can't do this. I need you so much."
His Master had been wrong. The Force could never be with him if it allowed this. He was lost. Lost.
Help me.
Help me…
Exhaustion stole over him, and its senseless folds engulfed him without him even being aware of it.
He was almost gone, his mind falling completely quiet, when he felt something touch him. A warmth, vague and indefinable.
Stirring slightly Obi-Wan opened his sandpaper eyes, but no one was around. Confused he closed his eyes again--only to be disturbed once more by that same warm contact. Irritable, he reached out reluctantly with the Force instead, trying to find what had woken him.
And then he felt it, a tendril of warmth, familiar and alien at the same time, and it reached for him even as he reached for it.
Gently it brushed at him, sending strength and light into his heart, and suddenly Obi-Wan knew without a doubt source of the warmth that touched him so softly.
"Master?"
The warmth sparked.
Choking, Obi-Wan's eyes suddenly discovered fresh reserves of tears, but this time they were mixed with a kind of bittersweet joy.
"You're here," he murmured. Unnecessary words but he said them anyway, if only to make this more real.
Warmth brushed at the corners of his mind and impossibly there came an answer, It did not come in words, nor even the thought of them, but somehow Obi-Wan understood. I am always here, my Padawan. So long as you can turn and remember…
And suddenly, unexpected and unbidden, there came pouring from his heart a lifetime of memories, precious moments garnered like eternal gems over many years, each day spent, the laughter, the tears, the comfort. The love. Each one was part of his very heart and soul.
Just as they were part of Qui-Gon's.
The presence stayed with him throughout in a treasured moment that seemed to last forever, sharing in the precious memories until each one had been relived and locked securely in a place where nothing could ever take them away.
Always there.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes. Yes.
A touch to his cheek, then Qui-Gon softly began to withdraw.
Obi-Wan's heart lurched. His mind blanked at the thought of Qui-Gon leaving him a second time. Of him leaving once more without ever having heard all that was in his heart. There was still so much he had to say. Obi-Wan fumbled for the words but in the end he found there was only one thing that was important. I love you, my Master, Obi-Wan threw the thought down their waning link, knowing that it might be the last chance he would ever have to say it. He wanted, needed, Qui-Gon to know.
And Qui-Gon heard him.
Obi-Wan would never again forget what happened next and it would see him through all the darkness of the galaxy.
Joy flared to life along their link as the confession was absorbed. Peace, happiness and pure, boundless love. The emotions of a spirit grown far too powerful to be contained by the mere crude matter of flesh and blood, all wrapped around him in a single moment that took his breath away. They infused themselves with Obi-Wan in a great blinding crescendo, shining like a radiant light and enhancing the beauty of all that existed in a final benediction of love, pride and... hope before finally letting go, dispersing back into the essence of the Force.
The night became serene and still once more. Hushed.
With a gasp, Obi-Wan opened his eyes. His hands trembled, unable for the moment to take it all in.
Qui-Gon had given him everything. All that he was and all that he felt.
A bittersweet smile crept onto Obi-Wan's face. No words had been spoken and none had been necessary. Everything had been shared in that one moment of time and he knew now without a doubt that he had been loved beyond anything he had ever thought possible.
But most importantly of all he finally knew that Qui-Gon was happy. He was truly one with the Force. Truly at peace. And suddenly that was enough for Obi-Wan.
Drawing a cleansing breath, he looked around with a renewed purpose. He almost expected the world to have changed somehow, but everything remained as it had when he had dashed out here, blind in his grief.
He was still alone upon the balcony, the silence of the night hanging all around. But something had changed within himself. Somewhere deep inside him he knew Qui-Gon remained, radiating part of his new found peace. And his love. There was no doubt about that now.
The wind whistled through the trees, swirling around him and then finally grew still.
Always there…
A last reminder of something he should have known all along.
Obi-Wan sighed and wiped his eyes, suddenly ashamed for his lack of control. He had to pull himself together, for Anakin's sake, if not for his. The boy needed a Master. It was what Qui-Gon had wanted. He would go on for Anakin. For his Master. He would make sure his faith in him was justified.
With that thought Obi-Wan pulled himself stiffly from the ground, setting the first foot on the impossible path.
Thank you, Master.
He glanced one last time at the stars before walking slowly back inside. He was bone tired but instead of going to the bed he knelt upon the floor. He needed to meditate and recover his centre. Breathing slowly and deeply he drew Qui-Gon's cloak across his knees and cleared his mind, letting all else fade away. When he did, he felt, for a brief instant, the little spark that was his Master.
It hung there as he meditated and Obi-Wan turned to it, gladly embracing the reminder of what he would always have.
And somewhere in the Force Qui-Gon smiled.
Oh, You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart Always.
Always…
I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always.
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there,
Always
The End.