Chapter Five

My day had started well. Well, apart from the fact that I'd woken up alone and in a strange motel bed, again. That was a situation that I fully intended to remedy as soon as possible.

The previous day I'd tracked down an old associate of Steward's. Another Unmentionable who'd always waivered on the edge of being unstable but as yet had behaved himself. I'd arranged to meet him for an early lunch today. While I'd sat and nursed a coffee, he enjoyed a plate of steak and fries. Although not averse to eating that kind of food, my appetite had deserted me since my argument with Steph.

After the man had left, I'd sat for a while thinking about what I had learned. Some interesting and, hopefully, helpful information had come to light about Steward. Apparently, he loved to play poker and had an eye for a certain type of woman. The game had to be high stakes and the woman had to be slutty and easy. My mind started to work overtime; I thought we might just be able to use the information to trap him.

I paid the tab and wandered out of the diner still deep in thought. Suddenly I was blindsided by a blast of pain deep in my mind. I looked around, sure that Steward was in the vicinity. The pain was quickly replaced by a feeling that had me hardening in response. Lust. Stephanie. Damn, I wanted her. Needed her. I leaned against the window of the diner and closed my eyes. My mind reached out to find her and I popped to her location.

When I materialized, I realized I was in the middle of a street. Luckily no one had noticed me; everyone's attention was on the emergency services dealing with what looked like a deadly road accident. Stephanie! I approached the bloody scene and sighed with relief when it became was obvious that she hadn't been involved. One car had a sole male driver and a woman with three child passengers had driven the other.

She was here I could still feel her. Looking around I realized I was near the bonds office. Of course, she was probably visiting with Connie and Lula and I set off in the direction of the office. I never reached my destination. I got as far as the opening of an alley half a block before Vinnie's and my heart began to weep. There, in the shadows, was Stephanie. And she wasn't alone. She and Ranger didn't see me; they were far too interested in each other. As I watched, Steph pulled Manoso's shirt out of his pants and reached under the cloth to caress his back. Her head was arched back against the wall and her eyes were closed. Before I could make a decision about what to do, they'd disappeared.

I zapped myself back to our apartment before I disgraced myself by breaking down in public. I felt the need to connect with her and despite all that had happened during the last couple of days, the apartment still felt like my home. I'd arrived in the kitchen and stood looking down at Rex's cage. I watched him scratching around in the wood shavings that lined the floor of his home. Life as a hamster was so uncomplicated.

I went into the bedroom and sat on the bed. Her perfume surrounded me, her clothes were scattered around, her shoes tossed on the floor. Despite the pain in my heart, I smiled. I loved the way she made the apartment feel like a home, even though it was usually a mess.

My life had always been easy. Relatively uncomplicated, really. My parents had been Normals but when they discovered I was special they embraced my powers and nurtured them. They accepted the Powers That Be into their lives and encouraged me to do the same. They supported me through every step in my education and career. I had adored them. However, none of their love and support had prepared me for an experience like this.

Being in a relationship with Steph was so different from anything I'd ever known. I loved her. She was my life and I wasn't going to give up on her. Seeing her with Ranger had been a shock. I'd trusted him. I knew they had a history, and I knew that Steph still had feelings for him. Deep down I knew that Steward had gotten to her and he had manufactured what I'd seen. That still didn't change the fact that what was happening now was killing me. I didn't want to think about them together.

I lay back on the bed with my legs over the side. Closing my eyes, I thought of Steph. Of how she felt under me every time we made love. I tried not to reach out to her with my mind, but I couldn't stop myself. My love for her and the sadness for what we were destroying overwhelmed me. I knew I'd reached her when I felt a gentleness caress my mind almost as if she were comforting me. The feeling was suddenly replaced with a feeling of horror mixed with shame. Just as suddenly the link was broken.

ooOOOoo

As soon as I arrived back at my apartment, I knew I wasn't alone. I went into the bedroom to find Diesel lying on the bed with his eyes closed. I hesitated at the door, not quite knowing what to say. I knew he'd been in my mind while I was with Ranger, but how much he'd actually felt was debatable.

I started to turn around to go back to the living room when Diesel's voice broke into the silence and almost made me jump out of my skin.

"How far did you go?" He didn't open his eyes or turn towards me.

"What?" I croaked out as I turned back into the bedroom and went to sit on the far side of the bed.

"I saw you... with Ranger, in the alley. Then, just a few minutes ago, I felt your mind touch mine."

"What do I say to you, D?" I hung my head. "I won't lie to you. We didn't finish but it went far enough to make me feel worse than shit."

"It was Steward wasn't it?" He sounded as if he really wanted that to be the answer, and not something deeper.

I thought that was a rhetorical question but I answered anyway. "Yeah, I think so." I didn't need to be an empath to feel his hurt. But when I did touch his mind I felt tendrils of anger and hopelessness. I had no idea how to make this better, other than to stick to the truth. "We saw him at the accident. He looked straight at me and I had a feeling of intense evil." I looked over at him, but he had flung an arm over his eyes. "That feeling was followed by a shot of lust that almost knocked me over. After that, I wasn't in control, a primal urge just took over. I know that's no excuse..."

"He's only able to build on something that was already there. You still have feelings for Ranger, don't you?"

I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breath. Ranger had used almost those same words. Did I have feelings for Ranger? "Yes, I do. But I realize now that it's not love that I feel for him. At least not the forever kind of love that I feel for you."

Diesel sat up when he heard that and looked me straight in the eye. "Do we really have the 'forever' kind of love?"

Tears filled my eyes as I thought of what I'd almost lost. "I stopped as soon as I realized what I was doing and I came back here. To our home. I love you, D, please believe that."

I don't know if he chose not to comment or if he wasn't really listening to me because he was still concentrating on Steward. "Now do you understand why I didn't want you going after Steward on your own?"

"Yes." My voice was barely audible. "I have to take a shower; will you still be here when I come out?"

"Do you want me to be?"

"Yes. Please."

I almost scrubbed myself raw in the shower. Never before had I felt dirty after being in Ranger's arms. My tears mixed with the steaming water as I washed away the evidence of my guilt. The smell of Bulgari will be forever linked to guilt in my mind.

I leaned against the tiles and let the hot water beat against my skin. What was it about Ranger that made me forget all my inhibitions, my upbringing? When I was with Joe, I used to succumb to Ranger's magic without hesitation. But I was never one to sleep around. So why did Ranger affect me so? And Diesel? I'd done the same with him while I was with Joe. Had I made a mistake? Of the three men in my life which did I love? I had so many questions but did I have the answers? I wanted to make a relationship work with Diesel. What we had now was on a different level to anything I had or would ever have with Joe or Ranger. When our minds touch there's a feeling of being complete. Like the cliché, two halves of a whole. Sounded corny but it felt right.

I turned off the water; I knew what I had to do. Somehow, I had to repair the damage I'd caused. I had no idea how to do it yet; I was only sure of one thing, I was going to listen to Diesel, both his words and his mind and take my cues from him.

When I emerged from my homemade sauna, Diesel was in the kitchen drinking coffee. "Is there enough of that for me?"

He poured a cup and handed it to me. "I felt Steward attack your mind. Was he responsible for that God-awful traffic accident?"

I nodded. "I think it was a distraction. There was an armored truck caught up in the mess and he drove it away. Ranger tried to stop him and that's when he attacked us."

"That's his specialty, using innocents as a distraction." He went to the refrigerator and opened the door. He straightened up, having removed the left over lasagna from the previous night. He pierced the plastic wrap with a knife, put the dish in the microwave and set the timer. I took a couple of wine glasses out of the cabinet and opened the bottle of Chianti.

The whole situation felt very surreal. To all intents and purposes, I'd just cheated on my lover, and here we were sitting down to eat together. It was almost as if we were filing the whole incident away under 'to be dealt with later'. I was dreading that 'later'. Would Diesel still want to be with me now he knew what I'd done? Did he still love me? More importantly, would he ever forgive me?

I tried to touch his mind, I wondered if I could project emotion as well as read. I looked at him and blinked. He was blocking me. I looked down and wiped away the tears that came far too easily to my eyes. If he were shutting himself off from me, would there ever be a way back to him. Another wave of guilt crashed over me, and I took a sip of my wine while I tried to pull myself together.

He sat down opposite me at the table. "I met with an old associate of Steward's today. Picked up a couple of bits of information that might help us take this bastard down."

How can he do that? How can he just shut off his feelings and get down to business, as if nothing had happened? I looked over at my cookie jar. "Can we shoot him?" I would so love to kill the bastard. He'd ruined my life and deserved to pay – and pay dearly.

"That would be my choice, but no, the Powers That Be wouldn't like that." He looked as if he was about to smile, but the moment quickly passed. "I found out that he likes high stakes poker and fast, slutty women."

"Are you thinking distraction?"

"Yeah. The problem is we'd have to ask Ranger for help." He watched me closely as he took a sip from his wine glass.

I choked on my wine. "I'm not sure I could work with Ranger so soon after..."

"I'm not at all that comfortable with it either, but he's our best resource."

I served the lasagna and we ate in silence. I had almost finished before I had enough courage to speak up. "I need to ask you for something… something big."

Diesel looked at me, apprehension clear in his eyes. I took a deep breath and prayed he wouldn't say no. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Do you really want me to?"

"More than anything. This is your home. Here, with me." I smiled but then I had to bite my lip to stop the tears from falling.

Again, I reached out to him with my mind and this time, while he still seemed to be blocking me, I could feel just a twinge of hope.

He stood up and came around the table to me. Taking my hand in his he brought it to his lips and kissed my knuckles. A gentle tug brought me out of my chair and into his arms. Resting my head on his shoulder, I breathed deeply. This was where I belonged; I just hoped he believed that too.