Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
How Do You Fool God : a short play
By annyenil
The Black Box is designed with a golden arch in the centre carrying elaborate Greek designs. The arch consists of two ionic columns that touches the ceiling barely. There is dry ice supplying smoke from the floor at all times. The stage floor is painted sky blue with mists of clouds.
Cast
Kurosaki Ichigo as himself, dressed in Karakura High School Uniform
Hirako Shinji as God (or Zeus), dressed in a long, flowy, white Greek robe with a lightning bolt made of paper mache in one hand and a balance in the other.
Urahara Kisuke as Death (or Hades), dressed in a long, flowy, black English cloak with Negibana-shaped pitchfork.
Shihouin Yoruichi as Temptation (or Hera), dressed in a short, flowy, white Greek robe with her chest baring.
Kuchiki Rukia as Love (or Aphrodite), dressed in a long, over-flowing, white Greek robe with a laureate crown on her head and a harp in her hands.
Abarai Renji as Right Guardian of the Gate, dressed in a towel wrapped around the waist, holding Zabimaru in one hand. A halo is placed around his head.
Hitsugaya Toushirou as Left Guardian of the Gate, dressed in a towel wrapped around the waist, holding Hyourinmaru in one hand. A halo is placed around his head.
There is some ethereal music played in the background. Zeus ascend from below the stage to above the stage, seated at the arch. His expression is bored and he toys perfunctorily with the balance.
Zeus: Gosh. This job is God-damn boring. He yawns.
Guardians of Gate: Please, Your Highness. Somebody is approaching. Your Highness must comport yourself immediately. The Guardians bow their heads while both make faces when Zeus is not looking.
Zeus: Oh shut the fuck up. He yawns again. You two are not even symmetrical. I thought I told Michael to get me SYMMETRICAL guardians? He appears to be annoyed.
Right Guardian of Gate: I am terribly sorry, Your Highness. We are as symmetrical as can be. He bows and glared at both Zeus and the Left Guardian of Gate, who mouthed "No, you are not sorry at all."
Zeus: He snorts. Fucking bullshit. If his is called symmetrical, then my balance here is symmetrical too. Holds up the balance and tilts it all to once side.
Guardians of Gate: NO YOUR HIGHNESS! Both jumps to revert the balance.
Hades: He rose from the ground and sits at the edge of the stage. What is the meaning of this, Zeus? You just sent half a thousand people into Hell. Do you have any idea how crowded we are down there?
Zeus: Rolls his eyes. Whatever. Those people deserve to be down there anyway. Why did you come up anyway?
Hades: Because some dude you sent there had really terrible B.O. and none of us could breathe anymore.
Zeus: I see. Turning to the two Guardians. Is there somebody coming in for trial in the afternoon? If not, I will go down to Earth for a quickie with Pandora first.
Hades: God, I wonder who made you God. Shaking his head in disapproval.
Left Guardian of Gate: As a matter of fact, Your Highness, you do have a trial. It is scheduled to be……now.
Ethereal music plays again and dry ice fills the entire stage. From it Kurosaki Ichigo is thrown into the middle of the stage, right before Zeus.
Ichigo: Hey. Who brought me here?
Zeus: Look dude. I've got to go real soon. Why don't you just follow Hades here to your afterlife and we consider this over?
Hades: We have no room and plenty of B.O. here. I told you there is no space left for him. Besides, this bulky guy looks strangely alive.
Ichigo: Of course I look alive. I AM alive.
Zeus: Ah, the first step to heaven. Denial. Gives unreturned knowing glances at the two Guardians, who ignores him. Let's see how long it will take till Acceptance.
The taps of Zeus' fingers is the only sound in the room as everyone fall silent and stare at one another in a desultory manner.
Ichigo: Acceptance of what?
Everybody: THAT YOU ARE DEAD!
Zeus: Tsk tsk tsk. Boy, you've got it bad. Holding up the balance. You see what I've got here? It's the Final Judgement. Which way I tilt it will decide whether you will spend your time in Hell or Heaven.
Ichigo: But……isn't that for like, dead people?
Everybody: EXACTLY!
Right Guardian of Gate: He turns to the left. Gosh, this guy is almost as dense as you!
Left Guardian of Gate: I am NOT dense.
Zeus: Shut up, you two asymmetrical arse-holes. Now, what have we got here? Zeus motion for Ichigo to go closer, while Hades moves towards Ichigo curiously as well.
Hades: Boy, do you really think you are still alive?
Ichigo: Of course I am. Do I reek of dead bodies?
Zeus: Hold on a second. This is the Gateway to Heaven and Ladder to Hell. This is not a mortuary, you retard.
Ichigo: What's the difference? Scratches his head, unconcerned.
Zeus: Can you not say it like as though it's none of your business? This is your afterlife we are talking about?
Ichigo: How can I have an afterlife before I even finish my life?
Hades: I think that's a very philosophical question. Why, Zeus?
Zeus: Shut up, Hades. You are just jealous that I got Gaia for most of the year.
Ichigo: What's Gaia?
Zeus: None of your business. The point is not what life or death is, but how you can prove that you are still alive.
Ichigo: But if you don't define what life is, then how can you prove that I am not alive?
Hades: This dead guy sure has some tongue.
Ichigo: For the last time, I am NOT dead!
Hades: I know it's hard to die, boy. But the fact that you are standing here talking to us should be sufficient proof that you are dead.
Right Guardian of Gate: coughs slightly to draw attention. Erm……actually, your Highness, your Darkness. This could be a mistake. Remember that time Michael brought in a dog by accident?
Zeus: snaps and points at Ichigo in annoyance. Does this boy resemble a canine to you?
Right Guardian of Gate: No……your Highness, not at all.
Ichigo: I think he's right! Snaps his finger. This must be a mistake. I must have been brought here by accident.
Hades: Well then, you will just have to prove it.
Zeus: Guardians! Recite the basic characteristics of a living man!
Right Guardian: Ah…..erm……
Left Guardian: One, a living man must be able to respond to stimuli. Two, a living man must look like a human and not other animals. Three, a living man likes living women. Four, He is interrupted by Zeus.
Zeus: That's it! We will just have to see if you like women. If you do, then I will let you return to the Living World.
Hades: This is getting a little worrying……I hope downstairs is making room for more people.
Zeus claps his hands and Hera appears, her eyes cold and twinkling with dripping jealousy.
Hera: You called me, Zeus?
Zeus: Yeah. Fuck him. Points at Ichigo.
Ichigo: W-w-what? He blushes and recoils in fright.
Hera: Hello there. She advances on Ichigo. I am, Temptation. How are you doing today?
Ichigo: GET AWAY FROM ME!!
Hera: Zeus, what exactly is this?
Zeus: Aha! You are afraid of women. All living men love women. You are dead!
Hades: You know. The definition doesn't include any emotions other than liking. If he's afraid, then maybe he's the strange kind of human that likes men.
Zeus: Hmm. You are right. Right Guardian?
Right Guardian: He stands to attention. Yes, Your Highness?
Zeus: You fuck him instead.
Hera: No you will not. That is an insult to me, that a human would prefer that surly lump of obsolete muscle to moi, the most divine beauty. Sighs with content at herself.
Right Guardian: Yes Your Highness. I am sure he does not like men. Maybe he is the other type of strange human that prefers younger kids. Pedophiles, they are called.
Zeus: Raising his head from deep thought. I think you might be right. Left Guardian!
Left Guardian: he glared at the Right Guardian, who smirked back. Yes, your Highness?
Zeus: Seduce him! Points at Ichigo triumphantly, who simply looked back blankly with a bored look.
Hades: He looks up at Ichigo with a knowing look. So you figured out that Zeus is only entertaining himself, huh?
Ichigo: Fucking mad man……
Hera: I cannot believe this. You are not tempted at all?
Ichigo: Look, auntie. I am only a boy. You are like, whoa, a thousand years old. There is no way I'd fall for that.
Hera gave a haughty hiss and stomped away.
Zeus: You stupid boy! You made her angry! Now I won't be able to sleep in peace tonight! He clapped two hands and Aphrodite enters, very much in the manner of Artemis.
Ichigo: Who are…… His eyes boggled out and his tongue hung out.
Hades: smirks to himself. You see, it's a matter of what you define the "liking" to be……
Aphrodite: Quit staring. Points her sword at him.
Zeus: Aphrodite, you are the Goddess of Love. Give the sword back to Artemis immediately.
Aphrodite: Yes, your Highness.
Zeus: So, boy. You do like her after all. That means you are alive. Well then. You are dismissed. Guardians, send her back.
Guardians: Yes, Your Highness. They saluted Zeus and took Ichigo by one arm each and dragged him off the stage.
Hades: Goodbye, you Interesting Person!
Ichigo: Hold on a second! I thought you said I was dead? Why am I being taken away?
Zeus: Because you like women. Therefore you are alive!
Ichigo: Oh screw that! How can you define life and death like that?
Zeus: Why not?
Ichigo: Then why was I taken here in the first place? Shouting at the edge of the stage, still dragged away.
Zeus: Because you were dead?
Ichigo: So am I dead or alive? Dragged off stage completely.
Zeus: With a devilish grin, he sits back in to his chair and swings the balance around. Who knows?